Mr. Bob & The World

"This is an outrage, sir!"1

A squat little man in a business suit and thick glasses shouted at an ancient priest. The priest wasn't listening, not for lack of interest, but because he was deaf and was too blind to see that anyone's lips were moving.2

For the last ten years, he had simply assumed that no one ever spoke to him, but this scene was rather common. Alzheimer's has inspired Pope Guy I to issue a few rather silly edicts. He also made a habit of invoking infallibility on a regular basis, leaving his followers unable to question his judgment - not that he'd ever hear those questions if they did. 3

The Church's lawyers, though, were all soulless atheists, and could do whatever they damn well pleased. 4

"You can't just declare someone the King of Everything!"5

If he had heard this allegation, Guy I may have mentioned that back in the day, Popes did that all the time. However, he didn't and the lawyer kept ranting for a good three hours longer before it was just too late. 6

Mr. Bob had arrived. Mr. Bob was a tall, skinny man with blonde hair and purple eyes. No one could ever explain the latter detail, but he assured everyone that they ran in the family from his mother's side. If anyone bothered to exhume the body of his mother, or any of her family members, they may have noticed that they all had rather nice shades of green of brown. Or they may not have, as these details become rather obscured during the decomposition process.7

No sooner had the looney arived than he had said,8

"Well, boy am I glad to meet you Mr. Pope. Boy, if I ruled the world I'd make some changes around here, yes sir I would."9

and almost immediately after those words, the Pope said -10

"Rise, Mr. Bob, king of everything."11

If the Pope was able to see, he may have noticed that Mr. Bob had never kneeled to begin with and thus was already standing. This was a rather minor detail, but some may take comfort in it for whatever strange reason. People are funny that way.12

Well, the media coverage of Mr. Bob's coronation was sparse but overwhelmingly negative. It seemed that some world leaders took offense at having their power usurped, while other religious leaders were offended by the gall of the Catholic church. 13

However, there was very little anyone could do. Papers were presented that proved that it was the right of the Pope to do "whatever he God-damned pleases in regards to the running of the planet Earth and its surrounding and outlying territories."14

It's the way of bureaucracy that if it can be presented signed in triplicate, than it pretty much must be true, and one can say what they like about how we all have different governmental systems, but bureaucracy is what brings us all together as a human race.15

So Mr. Bob took over the governance of the world as we knew it, and a few bits we didn't know until he sat on the throne. The first thing he did was have the Pope detained. He was, quite frankly, a little worried about the kinds of judgments a man of his health might make in such a powerful position. Yes, Cindy, the irony of the situation was indeed lost on Mr. Bob.16

The next thing he did was enforce a dress code for the entire planet. Now, I'm not at liberty to discuss these changes until you're all a little older, but let's just say that under these spandex pants, I'm not feeling very comfortable.17

The next thing he did was recruit women for his harem. This was initially offensive to people of all races and creeds, but soon it became apparent that Mr. Bob had no idea what a consort was for, and thought it was something to do with music. I understand that to this day he's still trying to figure out how to make them go.18

Finally, he declared that all peoples were obligated to pay him a carrot tax. The shipment of the carrots to him from every house-hold in the world turned out to be a logistic nightmare. As a member of the shipping union, I'm ashamed of how this was handled. When he discovered there was no way to grow carrots in Antarctica, he ordered the continent carpet-bombed and expended the world's nuclear arsenal. We pray for the lives of all four scientists who died that week, or we would if Mr. Bob hadn't outlawed religion. 19

Turns out he wasn't much fond of Jehovah's Witnesses. They bothered him.20

Anyways, that children is why I own a gun, because if I ruled the world, I'd shoot that son of a bitch for being such a pain in the ass. In fact, I think I might do that anyways.21

Wait right here kids. I hear Uncle Bob's coming to town today.