Lucky White Heather1
Jean pulled back the curtain and looked out of the window. Today was a good day! The rain had stopped and the sun was glistening on the fallen autumn leaves strewn across the road. 2
It was a good day for there had been only two more items to add to her list, the fewest this month. Jean had carefully adjusted the second mirror and sat back as far behind the computer monitor as the mouse and keyboard leads would allow. Just two items! She turned to near the back of her notebook and added them to the end of the list. For just a moment she hesitated, there should be more perhaps she should check – but no, it wasn’t worth the risk. She turned the computer off.3
Perhaps since it was such a good day she would take the risk and walk to the shop. She’d put on her gloves and check her horoscope in the paper, if that showed as much promise as all the other good omens she would risk it. Bob had been very upset the night before when there had been nothing in the house to eat. Even as she thought of her husband his thoughts were of her.4
Bob sighed and slid the stock list into its folder. He couldn’t look at a list these days without thinking of his wife. God knows he’d had sympathy with her for the first year. He’d sought treatment and counseling, self-help groups, anything. Even through the second year he’d struggled to find something that would help but now they were nearing the end of the third year since Jean’s father had died of cancer, and it only got worse. 5
Jean had a notebook full of things that had been linked to cancer. Some Bob conceded might even be true but three quarters of the furniture had gone, for one reason or another, and there was barely any food she would eat. Bob worked late a lot now and stopped off for a meal on the way home. He knew it wasn’t her fault – o.c.d. they called it. Jean was in the grip of something just as real as alcohol or gambling to an addict, but what had ground him down was that she didn’t even try to help herself. She was determined to rattle around in their empty home and empty marriage, avoiding the big ‘C’ at any cost.6
Bob sighed and sat back in his chair. He should have her committed for her own sake; she’d lost so much weight on her ridiculous diet she must be close to anorexic. The trouble was, he could see where it had come from. Known how close Jean had been to her father and the ghost that haunted his home, still bore a distinct resemblance to someone he had once loved.7
Wayne groaned as he sat up in bed. For a moment there was nothing in the world but the ache in his head. Then the alarm clock swum into view. Five to eight. “SHIT!” he cried aloud and winced at the pain. Yesterday O’Leary had spent half an hour hauling him over the coals about how lateness effected schedules and that he was on his last and final warning. Wayne struggled into his clothes. He couldn’t lose this job; he had debts up to his eyeballs.8
The truck started first try - it could be temperamental. Wayne let out a sigh. If he took the back road he could still make it, O’Leary didn’t often get in before eight-fifteen.9
Jean read through the horoscope again. It was not just good it was great! Health was waxing and other signs were good. She would take the chance.10
There wasn’t a soul in the road as Jean left the house, another very good sign. Maybe even the shop would be empty - she hoped.11
Just down from the corner of Totara Street, something amongst the leaves in the gutter across the road caught Jean’s eye. The sun seemed to sparkle from it like a diamond. Jean crossed the road and carefully picked it up. It was a small sprig of white heather, the stem wrapped in silver foil. Even as she touched it she felt a small shock, like static electricity. Jean felt a thrill run through her body – this was the real thing! Lucky white heather! Even as she gazed in wonder at this great find, a wish began to form in her mind. ‘Please don’t let Bob or…’ but that wasn’t right. This was the real thing - the wish had to be as genuine. ‘Don’t let me die of cancer.’ Jean whispered aloud.12
Even as Wayne swung around the corner he saw her. Maybe if the tires and brakes had been in better condition… if the road had been dry… if he hadn’t been hung over… if he hadn’t been speeding. 13
Maybe. 14
Now it was as if God had put the world on frame freeze. Whirr click – the woman was five feet nearer. Wayne’s mouth was falling open to shout. His foot moving towards the break. Whirr click – he was staring down at her, willing her to move, his foot crushing the pedal. Whirr click She had finally turned, her arms wide her face pressed against the front of the truck as if embracing a lover. Whirr click The rag doll was flying away, its red stuffing flying wide as it flew across the path and into the trees beyond.15
Suddenly the world was back on normal play as Wayne struggled to control the fish tail and the truck lurched to a stop. He knew he should go and check but he also knew with an absolute certainty that she was dead. His head fell forward against the steering wheel and tears began to stream down his cheeks.16
Unnoticed by the people that were spilling onto the street, a small sprig of white heather stirred and began to roll in the light breeze – skittering away to find another wish to grant.17
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
I got very confused when you jumped from one person to another. Maybe some stars or dashes to let the reader know when its changing to another character. Also there was no description of the characters. No hair color, etc. But it was very well written. Vey emotional.
~Syren~beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
-
This was an interesting read that covers the emotion that someone feels when their loved one is going through something and they aren't helting themselves.
I did notice a couple of places where I would change a couple of things. In paragraph 4 in the last sentence you have:
Even as she thought of her husband his thoughts were of her.
I would actually change the second 'of' to 'on'. Picky I know but I think it reads better.
In paragraph 7 I would change 'Known' to 'Knowing' as this would be better grammar. Also in that sentence I think you can do away with the comma as I don't think it is needed.
I must say though that I love the way you describe the truck smashing into Jean. The way you describe her as a rag doll with the red stuffing flying out. I think this is a good description because a body will do that if hit.
Good write.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, characters: 4.
-
This was good. The words weren't ackward in any place, though the switch of presepctives was. If you put page breaks between them it might be better, like entering dashes or something. I know the effect you wanted at the end of your story, but it just didn't happen. We were supposed to feel shocked, saddened, and feeling an all around sense of despair. Perhaps if you made it longer, let us know the characters a bit more, it would have a deeper impact, but as it is, I liked it.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, characters: 3.
-
Man...this was such an intense read. Literally grips one to the seat. If this was ever lengthened into a full length novel bout that sprig, I would have to buy a copy. Had the chilling effect on me of reading Kin, Koontz et al. Even the moral of the story showed throught this write!!! Glad I am catching up with my faves list and came across this. Thanks for one heck of a story read. My first today!
rose
-
this story gripped you and held you in suspense from the beginning.the irony of it was intriguing.you are a very accomplished author.i would love to read a complete novel from you.i like your command of the english language.
-
Ironies of ironies, lol. Be careful what you wish for. A mixture of sad and humorous palpitations, the reader has some quick shifts to make--just as quick as you shift gears from a dramatic piece to one which is black humor. This would make an interesting collection of short ironic/surprising, (etc) pieces. What do you think?
-
How ironic, my daughter Heather has OCD. After about 2 sentences I knew your protagonist had it, so good job on capturing the disease without any stereotypical handwashing moments! Gripping story, but slightly unnerving (due to my close association with Heather's OCD I think).
-
Wow, great story here. Be careful what you wish for...
This could be the beginning of a great serial, you know, a collection of short stories detailing the wishes the granted to various characters by the constantly whirling white heather.
This piece tends to grab the reader from the start and draws them in without letting go for a second.
You describe OCD very well, painting a picture of this pathetic, selfish woman.
I noticed only one typo. I didn't read the comments by others so forgive me if it has already been pointed out.
She had final turned Forgot the ly, I think.
This section of AP is fairly new to me and this is only the third story I have read, I think. I am enjoying Storywrite so far. I have posted one story, if you would offer your comments, I would be honored. The title is Untitled...Please Help. lol until I can come up with a title.
Thank you for commenting on my poem.
Till next time,
Breelynn
Edited on Aug 17, 7:58 because ''. -
Better watch what you wish for!!
I really enjoyed reading this, reminds me of my friends husband who is absolutely neurotic about lucky clothing. He even has combinations of lucky undies and socks and can remeber which combinations he wore when he struck certain deals!! My friend once threw away a particularly unattractive and worn out pair of undies and he has never forgiven her, every bad move is attributed to it...
Hmmm...you mentioned God in this, that surprised me!!
Have to read some more of these...
Kyla
-
Excellent
The character developement was very well done in such a short piece, there is a hint of something not quite right with the introduction of the list, that led me to wonder what the deeper issue was. Just as I was beginning to consider a phobia of some sort you introduced the reason behind the problem. There is good timing in this and great balance. When the character Wayne was introduced I guessed the end of the story seeing the twist that was coming, and was led exactly where I expected it to go. Not sure if your intent was for it to be a surprise or not, but the lack of it being one for me did not distract from the beautiful but sad irony of it. So much is put into things by we humans, into circumstance, into hopes or dreams of things and our beliefs. The steps we will take thinking we can control things ..while perhaps forgetting that there are always variables to things ..even destinies perhaps if they are believed. We so often forget to look at those things we wish for and consider the implications in them, and the meanings behind them. I liked the way this was presented, a good story indeed, and a very perceptive one. Such irony, ..she got exactly what she wished for, sigh...
Edited on Apr 25, 5:21 because 'aiming for coherency'. -
The irony is uppermost as one absorbs the story slowly, the irony always surfaces in your works at least the ones i have read so far, bringing human follies under the spotlight. Very well written, absolutely involving the reader into the paranoia, what was the list about all the things she probably discovered on the net that caused cancer, accident was described so vividly made the heart stop a bit good metaphors rag doll flying, red stuffing
etc excellent. Sad but a compelling read -
there had been only two more items to add to her list, ... already you have me asking what the list is about.
Ahhh... a list of possible cancer causes... no wonder she wears gloves when reading the paper. My husband has mild OCD, so I can empathise with Jean's husband.
OMG... what a twist. I didn't know white heather was lucky. The last two paragraphs were so gripping.... very cool story. -
OMG you had me on the edge of my seat, this was full on, and oh so well written!
This should be published!
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
26 old applause
