Welcome to my life

Everyone knew I wouldn't last long, what with all the panic attacks, sometimes two in one day and only recently loosing a friend to suicide. They all knew it wouldn't be long before it all got too much. They didn't acknowledge that they knew. It was like no-one knew, but they all did. I think deep down I knew it too and I knew they knew. Everyone knew, just no-one knew when.1

Now, where do I begin? At the beginning you say? Well, it began November 25th. A normal British winter. Cold, wet but not snowy. I was born in St. Marys hospital. I was a normal baby, I cried when I came out. I was born with no hair and I was an average size baby. Too far at the beginning? Okay, lets skip ahead a few years.2

As a child my emotions were easily worked out. If I was happy my eyes shone and a huge smile would be visible on my face. If I was sad, I would cry or frown and my eyes wouldn't shine unless it was from tears. If I was happy, I'd skip or walk with my head up, looking around. If I was sad, I'd walk slowly with my head down. I was a pretty normal child. At one point it was thought I was autistic but they decided I was only border line autistic because I had a weird way of playing with my toys. I'd line them all up in a strait line and then move them, one by one. It would amuse me for hours. I was innocent and happy. I look back now and think true innocence was bliss. All I have now of my childhood is memories and even now I feel them slipping away to be replaced with more painful memories.3

I guess I lost my innocence when I was nine. The dirty curtains were stripped away and I saw the world for what it was truly like. My Nana and grandpa both died. We used to visit them every Saturday. My Nana was a kind women. She has white curly hair and blue sparkling eyes, like pools of water. She was always busy helping people. She went to church, helped at a women's institute and knitted. I idolized her. She died from cancer May 5th 2004. I felt she didn't deserve to die, but now I know that it was just her time to go.4

My grandpa used to be in the army and a scout leader. He was a hardworking man and a loving grandpa. He taught us how to play card games and slept alot of the time, but I loved him. He died in his sleep from holes in his heart. He was the only grandpa I had. My grandpa on my mums side died before I was born from a heart attack.5

My last memory of my Nana was when she was in hospital. She had lost all of her hair and both her sense of smell and taste. She hardly recognized me. I read her a story I'd written about a kitten who didn't like milk. That was the last childish story I wrote. She didn't look like she'd heard any of it, but my aunties told me it was brilliant and that she loved it. I try not to remember...but that memory of her laying there looking so frail, that will never leave me. 6

That same year when I was 9, my parents got divorced. They argued constantly. I can remember once my Nana on my mums side had to come round withfish and chips and stay with us in a bedroom upstairs. We could still hear them arguing downstairs. I snuck downstairs and saw my dad slam the door and leave but before he did, I saw him cry for the first time. 7

He came back and they tried to make it up, for the sake of me and my older brother and sister, but my dad didn't trust my mum and he bugged our computer. It turned out she was having an affair over the Internet. 8

For a few weeks after that my mum lived in our conservatory. Then she moved to live withmy Nana and the divorce went through. I was forced to choose between my mum and dad. My brother and sister both choose my dad but I found it alotharder to choose. I loved bothmy mum and dad so much and I wanted to be with  my brother and sister too. So in the end I choose my dad. 9

When I was 10 and my sister was 14, she was raped. Her rapist committed suicide soon after. My sister got in with the wrong crowd. She started doing drugs, smoking, drinking excessive amounts of alchol and seeing a boy who was alot older than her. She also started to self harm. What could of brought us closer pushed us opposite sides of the country, or that's what it felt like to me because I never saw her. She was always out.10

I also lost my brother some where along the line. I was too wrapped up in trying to cling to my childhood. Looking for the magic. Trying to believe in fairy-tales and that my parents would get back together and I'd get my sister back. I wanted my happy ending, so I tried to pretend that none of it was happening, but I wasn't stupid, I Knew it was happening, I knew my parents would never get back together, I was now from a broken family. And while I was pretending my brother was slipping away, shutting himself away, crawling inside his shell, getting quieter and quieter. 11

My dad and sister had a huge argument when me and my brother were at our nans house (when my mum lived with her) as we'd see our mum every Friday. My dad got really angry and shouted at my sister, saying she treated his house like a hotel and she got mad back and tried to run away. my dad chased her and grabbed her by her necklace and it broke. He brought my sister to our Nana's house. 12

After that my sister decided to live with my mum at my Nana's house. My sister and my dad wouldn't talk to each other. I started to feel alone at my dad's house. I'd eat in the conservatory alone and my brother and dad would sit together in the lounge. I felt like I wasn't wanted. I also missed my sister ALOT! I decided I would live with my mum at my Nana's house too.13

We moved into a rented flat and I shared a room with my sister. I felt like I was getting her back. She still wouldn't talk to my dad so I tried my hardest to get her to talk to him, telling her how sorry he was. In the end they did make up. 14

When I was 11, I started year 7. I was going out with a boy I'd met over the Internet because he was the first boy to tell me he loved me. 15

I made lots of new friends but lost my best friend that I'd had for 11 years because she changed schools. We still talked but it was different. I felt like she'd changed herself not just schools. Year 7 was fun, I had friends, the lessons were okay, my sister and dad were talking again and the lessons were easy, but I started to hate myself. I realised how fat I was. I stopped eating and my mum would always shout at me or threaten to take me to the doctors. I was going out of control and no-one noticed. I started to feel like I didn't deserve my Internet boyfriend, some how I decided he was too good for me, so I dumped him. I cut for the first time then, I'd just had an argument with my mum and I felt angry and upset. I accidentally knocked a glass off the side and it smashed so I thought "why not?" My sister had done it. It hurt at first and I liked it. 16

I cut all throughout year 7 and year 8 and even do sometimes in year 9. My best Friend Stephi helped me realise that didn't need to starve myself. Stephi was always my rock since I met her in year 7. She always tried to help even if she didn't understand but I tried to push her away multiple times. She always came back or refused to let me push her away, but now, when I really need her, she has a boyfriend and she's so happy. I can't ruin that by telling her how I really feel.17

This year I've lost so many people. people I cared about. One of my friends committed suicide. My dad split up with two girlfriends this year. I lost all contact with Marti and Lee, Ben, Alice and Eloise. I never got my brother back. He drifted too far away from me and I don't have the strengh to bring him back. My panic attacks only get more frequent and worse. I can't take it anymore.18

I've fallen to far, in this hole that is depression. I can't clamber up the sides, I can't even see the light at the top anymore. Anytime I get a foot-hole or a ledge and think I'm safe and might atchuly be getting somewhere, it crumbles and I fall further. Every-time I think I've hit rock bottom I fall further. It feels like it will never end and there is no way out.19

So, it finally happened, everyone knew it would. I give up. So, I hope you enjoyed my life story. Welcome to my life, shame you had to get here just when I was about to end it. So welcome......and goodbye.20