“Reggie…, can you hear me?” 1
“Yeah mate…” He smiled feebly as I pulled off my jacket preparing to put pressure on his wound.2
“How ya feelin’?”3
He struggled to look at me, his eyes becoming unfocused and I began to worry wether we were going to make it back – together. 4
“Mate, I feel…”5
“What?” I gently pulled the bottom of his shirt up above his wound and grimaced, it didn’t look to good from where I was.6
“I feel… I dunno… like…” he gasped for breath for a moment, before resting his head against the snow, “like, those people on tv…those ones that come close to death…the ones that-”7
‘The ones that appreciate everything.”8
He smiled again, pleased I could understand him. I pulled down his shirt again and wrapped the jacket around his chest, thinking hard.9
“Eelai?”10
“Hmm?”11
“Why are you so good to everyone? Like your sex life is crap…” he grimaced in pain again, but I waited, smiling with my hand pressed tightly against his shoulder. “I just can’t understand mate, I’m so glad I know you.” And I knew he was telling the truth.12
We sat there for a moment. I looked around at the prettiness of the night, the snow was falling gently, but I wasn’t cold. There was a soft orange glow from the fire in the factory behind us. 13
If my best mate wasn’t dying beside me, I might have smiled, might have taken a greater interest in my surroundings, god knows im always doing it. Well at least Reggie does…14
I turned back to my mate, who was looking towards the stars.15
“Hey…” I said gently, those stars there look like your cock. He coughed up blood, a sign his laugh had failed, and my failed attempt at making a joke, had made matters worse. 16
Reggie slowly turned to face me, his focus becoming unclear. His lips had dried up and his eyes were bloodshot, but his expression was true.17
“I’m going to die.” 18
And I didn’t reply, because we both knew it. 19
Author notes
long time no submit 
well heres a small thing i was made to write, and its quite refreshing getting into the game again. Thanks in advance for those kind enough to read 
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Nice little vignette - but it has more of the feel of an ending - and thus has almost unlimited potential. This could be a heart-wrenching ending to a novel - especially one where the readers have grown to know and love these two characters. Or it could be the end to a longer short story with a plot that is resolved with this death. Either way the imagery used in this piece was good - I really could see the flickering of the flames against the pale snow as these two characters contemplated death - one as he experienced it, and the other as he observed.
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thankyou so muchD
i really appreciate your time reading it
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You have a talent for constructing dialogue that is able to carry your ideas
Hi Alex, glad you decided to come back to writing
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You have a talent for constructing dialogue that is able to carry your ideas without a whole lot of explanation.
Of course this is a very short piece, while it does tell the story of dying it leaves a lot of other questions unanswered
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I would like to see you expand the plot.
A few things you might look at:
his wound and grimaced, it didn’t look to (too) good from where (but JMHO I would use so good.
God (God) knows im (I’m)always doing it. Well at least Reggie does…14
“Hey…” I said gently, “those stars there look like your cock.”
Sorry, I'm out of time. Brooke ain't particular what she hits with her zapper. I disappeared once for three days
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Keep writing
Geri
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i always look forward to your comments
thanks so much for the help, i really appreciate it
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I do like this, I would love to see some flashbacks to explain how the characters arrived at this point, as well as seeing it continue from here. Great job!
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thanks so much :3
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Nice short piece here. There's a lot of emotion and the descriptions bring us into the picture with few words.
I would also like to see you expand it. This is a good ending for a story and would be more powerful if we knew a bit more about how they were mates and what happened to cause Reggie's injury. You've grabbed our attention and now we want to know more.
Good to see you back! I hope you add more to this story, and keep on writing.
Greg
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thanks soo much greg, lol i really appreciate your input
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Yes, I agree with everyone else, I'd like to see what events happened before this ending. This feels like an ending, but we really need a beginning.
I'm glad you're back writing again, and I hope you continue with this. It's very short, yet poignant. There's a lot of emotion in this and that's tough to do in a piece this short.
So, I hope you add more and give us some answers to these questions!
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thankyou so much
tonnes appreciated
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Cory got most of what I saw, except para 4 'whether'.
I'm with Cory. I was wondering what happened before this. Why was Reggie hurt?
Great descriptions, but add some smell
Brooke
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thanks for the read :3 and the comment, i shall include the smell
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Paragraph 2: "...pulled of my jacked[,] preparing to..."
Paragraph 3: "his eyes becoming unfocused" sounds choppy and seems to disrupt the flow. It's a little bit odd to think about eyes physically unfocusing. But "his vision becoming unfocused" sounds better.
Paragraph 14: "God" since this still refers to God and not a god, it's capitalized.
Paragraph 16: "I said gently, "those... your cock." You forgot the quotations.
Paragraph 17: His vision was already blurry (as per
paragraph 3).
Interesting. It's a rather short piece, but it works well. I'm curious about the events that have led up to this point. Is there more to this story? -
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thanks for the help there
much appreciated
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