I always Forget

I remembered things tonight. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Whenever people ask about my childhood there usually isnt that much to tell. I say I don't remember, but I do, some of it anyways.1

The good stuff like racing down the stairs on sleeping bags on our butts. Or listening to that Disney record Teila and I used to love- wearing costumes and having out own 'parades'. Running outside to play in the mud and getting ringworm. Listening to Bobby Brown and Whitney (my idol) the supremes and other records late at night while dad was at work. Being blissfully ignorant..2

But those kinda all seem like one memory to me, even though i know I did those things many times. What I really remember are the startaling thing, the bad things or if you prefer, the not so great. Like being 4 years old and walking into the kitchen seeing ,my father with his head in his hands, crying. I asked whats wrong, and he said I miss your mother, and it had to be our little secret. and for a long time after that, i thought my dad was the victim. I still dont know the true story.... but I think I may have told anyways. I dont remember. Or like being on WIC, going to school and church in clothes that had holes and didn't fit right. Like living in various trailors, hearing my parents fight, having new step parents and the first time I learned about sex and rape was from a fifth grade boy who lived down the street before I was in the second grade. I really never needed to ask. 3

Like remebering the bruises on my mother. a few times, and how it made me feel. I feel worse now I think...4

Like being teased most of my life, through high school even, for religious practices I didn't always follow, for not having the right clothes and for not having a father or stepmother who gave a shit. I remember I liked her at one point. Then everything changed and I became obsolete. I remeber fighting with her, and him never defending me. I remember him making me quit my jobs and taking away my freedoms and the court. 5

Most of all I remember the look he gave me that last day I spoke to him... when i knew I'd won and he did too, and he said 'this was not about who is a better parent. Its about you and your mother and manipulation.' I cant remember exactly how many times he told me i was good at that. I can remember the look he gave me- the look like I wasnt even his daughter. And then he never called like he promised. I remember thinking that was ok. Then after thinking it wasnt, pretending it was. Now Im just mad.6

And i still have all these feelings! I thought it had passed enough for me to be able to share some stories of my childhood with someone I care about, turns out theyre still there. 7

I am afraid. Not of the feelings, of the reasons behind them. I'm afraid I'll be like him. I'm afraid I wont get rid of this door mat syndrome, that I'll always get treated this way by men and that the ones I do like, and eventually love, will just continue cutting me out of their lives like he did. That I will end up alone. I can't be alone. I need someone to fill that emptiness. And I know Im 'only young' but i dont feel young most days. I feel adult and grown up and mature. And maybe I'm not ready for marriage or too much seriousness yet again, but someday soon, ( idk how long) I'm going to want to find someone who can fill me up inside without me overflowing. I havent found that balance yet. Its a drought or flood.8

And this is the first time in years I've told any guy these memories, because no one cared enough, not even me. They didnt care about me, I didnt care about them. All I knew was a name and a face, perhaps a hotel room or late nights. And I thought it was love. It was just me filling the void.9

I dont want to be that again. I dont want to be forgettable. I dont want to end up like him and her. I know what not to do, how do I stop myself from repeating the same mistakes?? Its happeneing now and I wont stop it. I dont want too. Is that ok? No, but its me. And if even i don't know or remember myself, how can i expect anyone else too? I guess I don't. I always forget.10