Suffocating

+++I can't breathe. You suffocate me behined these closed doors. Its all over. You can never get it back.THe walls are closing in and for every breathe I inhaled for you, every excuse i made for you, every fucking word you spoke to me, every fucking lies we made, IT CAN REST WITH YOU IN HELL MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE.+++1

For years I've sat here replaying those evil words you put inside my head. Days that pass by, wishing i was dead because of the feeling deep inside my belly that made me cringe every-time someone would touch me, or brush their skin against mine, or even tell me they love me. My eyes burn from crying so much. Hell, I used to gag myself to sleep at night from crying so much. I figured maybe if I appear ugly, you will leave me alone. You will not find me attractive and just leave me the fuck alone. That never worked. As a matter of fact, I think that made you want it even more. No-one ever found out. I never told anybody. You told me not to. I did as you said. So why do you still haunt my mind? Is it because you took something away I will never get back? Is it because I was so young at the time? Maybe It's because what you did was wrong. Come on...GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON. I deserve that much. 2

"Ever since the day I saw you're beautiful face, I wanted to be with you. I want to kiss you and make you mine. No one has to know. it can be our little secret. Now be a good little girl."3

I can't breathe. You suffocate me behined these closed doors. Its all over. You can never get it back.THe walls are closing in and for every breathe I inhaled for you, every excuse i made for you, every fucking word you spoke to me, every fucking lies we made, IT CAN REST WITH YOU IN HELL MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE. 4

You told me no one liked me. You told me you where the only one who cared. And It's my fault. It's my fault because I believed every thing you ever told me. I lied to everyone for you. Or maybe, I lied for me. Who knows? My sixteenth birthday. Do you remember that day. I told my mom and dad I was going to my friends because you had something planned for me. You told me It was something very special. I thought maybe you wanted to apologize to me and be my friend like you where in the beginning. You took me to you're house. I knew i shouldn't have gone inside with you. But you told me it was okay. I wouldn't get in trouble and everything was okay. So i followed. You took me to you're bedroom. It was much more nicer than I expected. You told me to have a seat on the bed and you will be right back. I sat down. You came back inside with just a towel on. You sat down beside me and started kissing me. Then you started kissing my neck and stood up. You took the towel off. 5

"So today is you're big one six. What other way to make it special, than to give you what you need. Which is me. We are made for each other. I love you."
You started stroking you're cock. You grabbed my hand and got me to do it for you.
"Oh baby, You're my life. Mmmm faster." You're moaning made me wanna puke all over you're fucking new bed sheets.
I did as i was told. Then you me back took my clothes off. You slowly put you dick inside of me. You started going faster and faster. And then you put you're hands around my neck and started going harder. I asked you to slow down that it hurt. You grunted and said That's how its supposed to be. Then i tried to push you off me and you slapped me hard.
"let me fucking finish. It will be over soon sweetie."
You kept on and on. I started crying. You paid no attention. When you where through you lie down beside me then rolled over to the side of the bed. You reached under and pulled out a box. You told me to open it. I opened it and inside lays a gun. You grabbed me by the throat and squeezed and told me if i ever spoke a word about what happened he will use it, and kill me. You said no one will care anyway. Then you kissed me and told me to leave. My birthday. What a present i got.6

+++I can't breathe. You suffocate me behined these closed doors. Its all over. You can never get it back.THe walls are closing in and for every breathe I inhaled for you, every excuse i made for you, every fucking word you spoke to me, every fucking lies we made, IT CAN REST WITH YOU IN HELL MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE.+++7

I never wanted to die. But every day, I wish I where. Everything I once was able to control. I no longer couldn't.I began to cry more and more everyday. I wasn't able to hold back the tears. The anger got the best of me as well. But it was more in myself than anything. I never understood why It had to be me that this happened. I once believed in god. He was supposed to be there for me. He loves me right? If he loved me why did he let these things happen? I used to pray so much, I knew he would help me. But things would get worse and worse. So i eventually gave up. I became weak. It hurt to move. I couldn't control anything. Not even my strength. So I relied on cutting. I could control that. It also made me feel something i wanted to feel. Or could create in myself.8

One night you came up to my window when I was almost asleep. You told me to get dressed. We where going to his place. When we got there there was 2 other guys in you're bedroom this time. You whispered in my ear, "baby, these are my friends. Their apart of me." Then you started sucking on one of the guys dick. You told him to fuck you hard. While you two where getting busy, you told you're other friend to stop being a pussy and start doing what he was here for. So he started undressing me and then fucking me. When he started you came to me and stuck you're penis in my mouth. I cried that whole day and night. I took 4 showers and went through two whole bars of soap and 2 big bottles of body was to try and get the feeling of you bastards breathe off me. But these wounds and feelings are internal.9

+++I can't breathe. You suffocate me behined these closed doors. Its all over. You can never get it back.THe walls are closing in and for every breathe I inhaled for you, every excuse i made for you, every fucking word you spoke to me, every fucking lies we made, IT CAN REST WITH YOU IN HELL MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE.+++10

I came home, and my mother asked me what happened. I shook my head no, to indicate nothing was wrong. She told me she knows something Is wrong and i had better tell her. She took me in her arms and held me and looked me in the eyes. "I need to know sweetie." I told her everything. Even about how you would make me get high with you you son of a bitch. About how you made me you're little sex slave. It hurt so much to tell her the truth. I could feel how much hurt she felt just by looking her in the eyes. I hated feeling other peoples pain. She immediately called the police. But you where far gone. The police didn't know where you went. But you where all over the news. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't breathe. They assigned a police officer to watch over my house and I could see you outside my window almost all hours of the day. Friday evening after school...05/05/05. May the fifth, two thousand and five. I went back inside the gym to get my bag. I walked closed my gym locker and turned around when i felt a hand cover my mouth and a knife to my neck. You told me to shut the fuck up and to do as I'm told. I shook my head yes for okay. 11

He took me to that old bridge fifteen miles out of town. That one that's really high above the river below. You said. 12

"BABY, i told you not to tell anyone. But it's okay. I forgive you. I knew you would do this sooner or later. And when that time comes, I would have to make the final love ending. That's the end of our journey. That time has come and that time is now. You grabbed my hand i started crying i told him he was insane and he needed help. I even told him to give me a second chance You put tape around my mouth and told me to hush my mouth.
"I know deep inside you want this as well as I. So here it goes my love." and with that you kissed my lips.
I tried screaming. But it was too late.
You grabbed my hand as we stood at the top of the rail on the bridge. You pulled me in a bear hug because i kept trying to get loose. "It all going to be okay. It will soon be over."
And with that, you jumped, and we where over the bridge. Falling...falling...falling. That's how my life had been from the very beginning. Ever since the day i was born. Falling into little pieces, until finally, there's nothing left to take and tear.13

+++I can't breathe. You suffocate me behined these closed doors. Its all over. You can never get it back.THe walls are closing in and for every breathe I inhaled for you, every excuse i made for you, every fucking word you spoke to me, every fucking lies we made, IT CAN REST WITH YOU IN HELL MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE.+++14