Welcome to Trimortus!1
Detailed below are your choices. Management advises that though satisfaction is guaranteed, no refunds or exchanges may be made after purchase. Payment by cash or credit card only. Thank you.2
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Option 1: The Stupid Death4
For this you will be required to consume copious amounts of alcohol and greasy kebabs. Around 4 a.m. you will feel the urgent need to visit the bathroom. In a blurry haze you will do the biggest bog of your life, effectively ripping yourself a new arsehole. Once you have finished, you will flush the toilet, only to find that the thing - which you have now named after your ugly aunt Selma - won't go down. After muttering a few curses, the smell will remind you that at least three schooners of beer are now roiling around in your gut, bursting to come out. As you kneel and ride the porcelain bus, you will pass out and drown in the contents of the toilet bowl.5
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Option 2: The Excruciating Death7
For this you will be given a cocktail of drain cleaner blended with magic mushrooms. Just as the agonizing stomach cramps begin and everything takes on a strange purple hue, you will be taken out to the bed of nails. As you make yourself comfortable, we will begin the process of replacing your blood with an exquisite blend of embalming fluid and acid. When you begin to experience the unique tingling of your body dissolving from the inside out, we will commence dissecting your arms from the fingers up. (Please indicate on the form the size of the slivers you wish for us to take.) Just when you think that the agony will not get any worse, we will begin to steamroller you from the toes up, while simultaneously flaying the skin from your head down. 8
PLEASE NOTE: Due to budget cuts, Management wishes to advise clients that they are to provide their own body bag for this death. We like to reuse our bags, and currently this is not possible.9
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Option 3: The Impossible Death11
This option is to be exercised by those who desire to leave this world in an interesting manner. Today's deathday special:12
You will be sent to Antarctica to help study something inanely boring. While there, the power will fail. While running around the research station in an attempt to keep warm, you will die of heat stroke and dehydration.13
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Thank you for choosing Trimortus for your morbid needs. We'd ask you to come again, but the powers-that-be have advised us that reincarnation is no longer an option.
Author notes
Just a bit of fun...
A contest entry
- Examples of Death by Phoenix Slave.
130 points, ended September 14, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short and Sweet by WritersEffigy.
175 points, ended October 24, 2008, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prompts!!!-A contest with most anything! by SaccharineMini.
400 points, ended November 10, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MY TOTALLY FREAKIN AWESOME HILARIOUS CONTEST OF DOOM, DEATH, AND AGONY!!!! by Patchwork Comedy.
1000 points, ended October 20, 56 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something funny for a change! by crazy.hott.salsa.
240 points, ended February 21, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. Also, there's a lot of music. Again...Again. by VariousSingularity.
350 points, ended February 27, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three Prompts! by His.Golden.Eyes.
142 points, ended March 11, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absurd writing by F66142589.
450 points, ends December 5, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Make Me Laugh, 'Til I Cry. by Schnitzel.
475 points, ends November 30, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - make me LAUGH by OlweizBoutMeeh.
150 points, ended November 21, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 76 of 76
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this was odd, and very imaginative, well done! Oh and I would go with ummm... the third option I would die a logical impossible death!
Thank you and good luck, Schnitzel
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Hahahahahaha!
I love your sense of humour! This is a tad odd, but it's great. Option 2 sounds appealing! Lol lol lol just kidding. I like the way your imagination works. This is great. Good luck in all the contests, especially mine!!
Thanks for entering!
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Cool. Morbid.
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Hahahahahhaaa!! That was brilliant! I cracked up! The idea of selling death is just so...so comic genuis. Well done. I'll buy option two please.
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ahahaha funny stuff...definately gross...but funny=] I didn't exactly get that u were selling something, but oh well...close enough=] thx 4 entering!
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Selling methods of dying - but that's ok - some people don't seem to get it despite how obvious it is.
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this was funny
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eww blood yeah, it was good. thnx for entering.
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Hilarious! God, that effin' funny! Can I opt for a No.3 please? Great job!
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HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was HILARIOUS!!!! It was very well written, and very creative, and just plain wonderful!!! The options were creative, and made me laugh. Wonderful job!
Oh, and if I had a choice, I would pick option 3, because I want to go to Antartica and see penguins in there homes!!!! -
Died for teh lulz~
To the lawlicopter! xD
I've read and commented on this before, so I'll save my breath.
But I will say this: just as funny as it was the first time I read it.
Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck! ^^
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hahah thats funny. thanks for entering, best of luck in the contest
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Random but funny... option 1 is really nasty ;D
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Loved it
My kind of humour in so many ways, i pity the people who comment that they don't get it. They're reall missing out. And i just got the title a second ago, clever. Love the buisness voice you got going really feel the detatchment and adds to the laughs. You go dude, that rocked.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Haha! This is so funny/random! Nice mix!
I'm sorry to say but your story is a little too short for my contest. I'll have to DQ it. But, if you want to add more to it and re-enter it then be my guest!
peace,
.PP. -
i totally remember
this!!!!! i liv wen ppl reenter hings!! thx for entering(and again SO QICKY!!!!) hehe thx!!!!
Powerpuffs(Pp) -
Interesting! I'll take the Excruciating Death, please. I've always wanted to feel that tingliness, it must be unique!
How much??
~Sparrow
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ok uhhh
i really didn't get it but it was funny! thanks for entering my contest! this is so random, i like it!!! it's kool!!!!!!!!!!!!! you may have a good chance in tis contest! thanks for entering(and so quickly )I hope i see more from you in the future!
powerpuffs -
uhhh
i really don't understand it but it was funny
thanks for entering!!!! -
this is actualy funny. i liked this silly kinda horror story. thank you for entering it
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awesomely hilarious...I LOVE IT!! especially the disclaimer and the part about reincarnation...lots of green and a gold and a bronze indicate that lots of people liked it as much as i do...
great job with this! -
I need to go there.
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Like a surgeon
smart and cutting.
Do you like surgeons?
Nah -
GOSH!
This was seriously funny, but my favorite was BY FAR the imppossible death! I liked how the narration sounded very unaffected by the things stated. The first one was a bit too blunt for my taste, but it stuck well with its title. The second one was...impressive, i'd say in all its details. But the third one really caught my atention, since it contained the perfect clichés of a bad movie screenplay andwas quite entertainning. I must admit the start was odd, since i was not expecting to read something like this at all! Butgood job, it was very unique! -
I LOLed all over myself...Option Three killed me...Or something like that.
Hmm...Not much of a story, eh? But unique! Certainly a rarity on this site. And for that, I give you clappy things.
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LOL boy do I love good dark humor as this. this was well written and captured my attention. Great work. well deserved of the gold and honorables
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nice!
loved it! pefrecto! -
Great!
Awesome! I honestly "lol'd".
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Very amusing. I'm not one who is normally afraid of death, but now I really don't want you around when that day comes. Maybe there will be lava involved...
Anyway, great story. -
Gruesomely hilarious Interesting service for a company to offer, yet I'm somehow surprised that this hasn't been done before. Very creative premise.
My favorite part: "We'd ask you to come again, but the powers-that-be have advised us that reincarnation is no longer an option."
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WOW!!!
That was just WEIRD and Funny and the same time. Well Done. Good luck for any future contests and congratz on the gold.
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Oh... My... God... this was great ^^ keep up the hillariouty, spontanaeity, and awesomeness!!!! SUPER AWESOME MEGA POINTS!
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LAUGH OUT LOAD and more!
super funny...I love funny stories and i hardly get ANY! thanks...and i will deffinatly add you to the finalists!
THANKS
-salsa -
Their all so tempting... hmmm.
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Hilarious!
Loved your style. Good job!
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ha! that was awsum not to mension creative... well done
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Yep defiantly hilarious.
A very good story, humor and death mixed all together. An interesting combination, but it works!!!
Good job, good luck, and thanks for entering!
-Renesme-
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I am almost certain I commented on this when it was posted, but alas apparently not.
A good story, thank you for entering.
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You whack, Girlfrien--word!
Wonderful descriptions. I believe I have seen the precipice of all three at one time or another. Deserved Gold for sure.
Speaking of Down Under, I 've recently contemplated suing the local Outback restaurant when they tried to tempt me with their murderous desert, Death by Chocolate. No one kills me without my approval.
JJ
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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LOL
morbid and funny at the same time.
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GROSS.
So props for being descriptive without using too space describing. And props for keeping that business-like, removed feeling.
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Enjoyable to read:)
Toliet/ Toilet
Antartica /Antarctica
Very creative in the way you structured this
Hmmm...drowning in the contents of the toilet bowl huh...how utterly foul would that be?
The second one was just torturous. And the blip about the body bag added a comedic effect to it.
Yes, heat stroke in Antarctica is implausible enough .
Showed a truly imaginative mind No wonder you won gold with it.
Excellent Job!
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You know - I can't believe I let those typos slip by me...
Thanx for picking them up.
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No Problem Great writing
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ahahaha WOW!
this was so funyy...gruesome but hilarious!
it was very creative nad ive never read anything liek it before. I like how there was like an implied sarcasm int eh entire thing. overall, it was exceelent!
great work!
xoxo -
FUNNY
My fingers obviously had more wine than I did. Please excuse the typos in my previous post.
This was priceless and so fitting for today's society where choices and where 'no refunds or exchanges may be made after purchase. Payment by cash or credit card only' is standard fare. Thank you for my laugh for the week.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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FUNNY
This was priceless and so apno propo for today's society where choices and 'refunds or exchanges may be made after purchase. Payment by cash or credit card only' is standard fare. ank you.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Oh my gosh i just ate supper and had a beer. This is hilarious and very gruesome at the same time. Your use of words definately had me squirmin in my seat and cringing, then the last option... hahahahahaha loved it! Fabulous write. You definately deserved every ounce of that gold trophy. Congrats!
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Oh my GOd. o___________o
This is brilliant, TB!! I'm cracking up and simultaneously cringing. XDD Beautifully worded, but I think the best written bit was the first option. I love the Impossible Death angle. Nicely done! Heat Stroke in Antarctica.
I couldn't imagine anyone else winning that Gold.
-HT
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Freaking hilarious
Haha, oh my gosh, that was great! This was sadistic and hilarious, not to mention sculpted together brilliantly. Your language usage is incredible. Great job, I'm impressed, you definitely deserved the gold trophy.
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EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!
This is the kind of humour that I most enjoy. The piece was extremely and cleverly written. Well done!
Bernice DeLucchibeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hey Blondie...
this was good and very funny. I enjoyed the sense of humor in this and the way you cleverly wrapped the modes around an advert for ways of dying. Very clever indeed and I enjoyed it, daresay I, immensely.
You done whupped me ass, you did. I only got an honorable.
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Brilliant
This is so funny. It is clever and witty, there is a lot packed into a small area. Dark humour is a tough one to do but this is just right. I did not know whether to laugh or cringe at the pain, your descirptions are so vivid. Well done and thank you.
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Uhhhmmmmm.... exactly how do I contact Trimortus and how much do they charge for unwilling participants? I have a few in mind...
LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Original thinking. Nice job! -
Now THAT'S some funny shit right there! You are one sick, twisted woman! I love it! Hilarious, and yet, I have this strange feeling that this could be expanded...yes, I know I say that about everything, but I really think this could be something more.
Regardless, this was very funny stuff!
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Yes, I'd like to order Option 2 for my annoying neighbor please.
This is hilarious! You have an unusually, ..uh, ..morbid sense of humor. This was funny as hell to read first thing in the morning. Thanks for the wake-up laugh.
Great write Blondie.
Greg
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"Management wishes to advise that due to statutory regulations, gift vouchers are no longer available."
Just something quick that I slapped together for a contest - glad you liked it.
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Awesome!!
That is a great read, and wicked funny. Though the first option made me having just eaten. Definitely the rightful winner.
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Man! Blondie you've got one scary sense of humor. Remind me not to get on your bad side.
I really loved this and am envious. I can't write humor, sick or other wise
Great job.
Brooke
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Wow, I think I'd have to pass on thoes unusual but hilarious options. It's great, insanely funny and written in a very entertaining way great job!
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Um. Yeah, can I take peaceful dying in my sleep? No?
Wow. The level of morbidity you have achieved is inspiring.
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LOL, so many ways to go and yet the ways you have chosen to write about would never have even crossed my mind.
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Funny. I too would have liked to see more deaths described. I think this idea, namely a company that assists people in carrying out suicide, has a lot of potential.
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Tis quite humorous...twas hoping this would continue as I personally can think of many other ways to die. You could keep going forever with this idea I suppose though...
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Heh heh heh... Great writing, dude! And congrats on the trophy!
"In a blurry haze you will do the biggest bog of your life, effectively ripping yourself a new arsehole."- funny!
"When you begin to experience the unique tingling of your body dissolving from the inside out, we will commence dissecting your arms from the fingers up. "- as morbid as it gets... Heh heh heh...
Cheers.. -
This is great! It is hilarious yet dark enough to give you the creeps. You are a fantastic writer I am so surprised you have not been published - or have you?! I am away now to read some more of your work as I am very impressed with this! Well done!
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Heh. Darkly humourous and more than a little twisted. Very well done. As I am an avid fan of dark things, this really appealed to me. And... I think I'll go with the Impossible Death. What are the rates? Lol.
Great work.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!! Loved it mate! Top stuff there! Great idea (very original) and nice descriptions... and it was cool the way you made it like an ad... very cool... good work... and keep writing
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Oh hahahah ...
Another priceless masterpiece. What a morbid company we have here! Oh, lol. Of all the three - I would choose Antartica.
But, question - heat stroke in Antartica? I think its reputed for being the COLDEST continent. So - common ailments would be hypothermia and frostbite ....
RJ
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And also you are trying desperately to keep warm and you go a little too far and die of heat stroke?
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Yes, yes, I GET IT.
Blame ole blondie's realistic sarcasm.
RJ
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Note the: "Impossible death" on the last one.
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Ohhhhhhhhhh.
*feels dumb.*
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HA! Excellent! I love the marketing angle.
I lost track of how many times I cringed while reading the painful death option. I think I'd take the Antarctica option, of your three choices here. Do you accept American Express?
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Amazing! I'm at a loss for words. I laughed my ass off the chair and it really made my day, because I've been a bit depressive...
I love your work. Bloody brilliant indeed. I'm a bit tired to comment upon each of them (they're all brilliant anyway), so I'm just going to make my choice:
I choose the impossible death, thank you
Good job! -
Haha wow. That is so insanely evil. Sounds very painful too...
I love the last part =) Heat stroke in Antarctica? Although dehydration is a possibility; Antarctica is the driest continent.
~Aura ♥
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