Always and Forever

I had always sat on the outside of the box looking in. I was a pudgy kid growing up and had never really lost that baby fat that my mother insisted I would lose, "Just with a couple sit ups". They never worked. I tried so hard to grasp the knowledge of how to become beautiful -- and it never worked. Trying to follow the trends on MTV and VH1 -- but nothing matched up. I just needed to face it... I was the chubby goth girl that would never have a date. Never know what it was like to sit in the back seat of a car and kiss a boy -- or even hold hands. Getting over the idea that I could change my appearance and getting onto the idea that I would be alone for ever. It took me for a loop. Wasting countless days just pondering to myself 'What if?'. 1

After getting completely straight A's through out the whole year of school my mother decided it was time that she bought me a computer. She had heard of the internet and how wonderful it was for growing minds to go and do research and so much more easy than looking everything up in the encyclopedia. School had let out for the summer and she was picking me up that day. I hopped into the car and we rode to Best Buy. She let me pick it out and everything -- finally, a place where I could put my poetry down and no one in the house had the knowledge of how to use it! That was actually my exact thoughts as we were purchasing this gift together. 2

Putting it together was the hard part -- not because I didn't know what I was doing or didn't know how to read but because my father kept nagging me, "What's this do? What's that?" it was as if he had never seen such a thing. Memories from The Little Mermaid had flashed into my head -- gadgets and gizmos galore! I hooked it up and plugged it into the phone jack and within moments was on the internet. Ah, this wonderful thing filled with sites of knowledge, funny pictures, random chat rooms, forums, and -- porn. Three minutes into browsing huge milky white breasts were on my screen. My father was still standing behind me. I about died. "What are you looking at that for? First thing you do when you get it is you look at nasty sh't?!" He was furious to say the least. He called for my mother and pleaded her to take it back -- filth was all it contain. My mother, being a little less hot headed about such things, told him that if he didn't like it then he should leave -- because me looking at it was my own business. 3

With those words they had both left me to figure out this new contraption on my own. I had worked with it before at a relatives house but usually the only time I was able to get onto the net was at school -- for research. I had no clue how to run this "AOL" as it was called. So, I fiddled. After grasping it I would run into chat rooms and talk with people all over the globe! It fascinated me so much! I downloaded games and chat rooms and I could listen to music online and more! Goodness, there was just so much to do.4

A year or so had gone and by that time I was fluent with my computer. I had downloaded a "game" or application if you will called Palace. Inside palace you could make little avatars or just steal them from other people and use them. My cousin had gotten herself a nice computer by then also and we'd sit and chat with everyone on this little game. She found herself an online boyfriend. From the looks of it, I'd have no luck in that department either. No luck in real life and no luck online -- what was a girl to do? I never really showed anyone pictures of myself or gave out a lot of details. My cousin and I had always gone by our nicknames that our friends at school would call us instead of real names. But for some reason her having an online boyfriend was a big deal to me. He lived in California and she'd call him at all hours of the night and talk to him. They'd sit up and chat like crazy online and on that little game. It surprised me how into him she actually got. In my head, if you couldn't touch him and see him everyday what was the point?5

They had dated online for a few months and then he gave her the kick. He was done with her -- she was heart broken. Eventually she got over him and moved on to others. Fluent in the ways of online dating I took her lead. I tried it out -- but it didn't seem as though it was for me. Then about a year later, which I had no idea my cousin and her California online ex boyfriend had even still talked, the boy from California had instant messaged me on AIM. Obviously, I didn't want to be rude so I talked to him. I had already knew a little about him from the little we talked in that little game and he seemed like a decent guy even though he gave my cousin the boot. 6

I continued to talk to him -- and within a few weeks we were dating online. I had bought a web cam so that he could see me. I had lost a lot of weight by then and had a nice hair cut. I had really started shape up. I took pictures and sent him them in emails and we chatted on the phone. There were plans for me to go out there that summer and see him and so much more! But as soon as I was falling for him -- he showed me the door. He had found someone else closer to him and was falling in love with her, so he said. I tried to let him go but this feeling inside of me had me confused. How could you do something like that to someone? They were so expecting of your love and devotion and you betray them? My heart was broken for the first time. 7

Months went by and he would tell me about his new love. How mad they were about each other and I would be the good friend and tell him how glad I was that he found someone. Inside, I cried -- cried for the could have been love that I had lost. They had even met because she only lived an hour or so away. He would tell me about their fights and arguments and I would be mad at this girl that I didn't know for breaking his heart. I would often times try to warn him about her -- that she was no good and in the end all he loved would turn to ash. I was right. She ended up cheating on him with someone else. He was shattered -- and came back to me. 8

With open arms I accepted him. Embracing the warm and gentle conversations we'd have. I enjoyed talking to him and chatting online. Months went by and we'd have our disputes but he said that he was staying faithful to me and I to him.9

Then, it hit me -- like a bomb had exploded in the next room. My whole body shaking. My mother had passed away. I had been up all night talking to the boy in California when my father called my name to his room. My mom was laying face first on the floor, her hands clasp as though she had been praying or asking for forgiveness. Tears and shock streamed down my face as I dashed to call 911. The ambulance came and hauled her to the hospital as I rode in a police car for the first time. They declared her officially dead. At that time my father had lost it -- and gave up all hope. Making all the funeral arrangements myself was a pain for a fifteen year old but I did it -- because my father wasn't in his right state of mind. It took him three months to realize what had happened and it kept taring him apart. He got heavy into drugs and things and ended up spending nights in jail cells. When he'd go into drug enraged fits he'd hit my brother and myself. The boy from California was there for me through it all. We'd break up and then get back together because the pain of me being so far from him hurt too much. But somehow, we'd always get back together. 10

Then after some of the pain of my mother went away and I was able to cope with my fathers addictions -- he left me. He went back to the girl that he was with before. She begged her way back into his heart and mine fell, crushed, to the floor. What had happened to all the "I love you"'s and such? Was it all just to make me feel better? They were together a whole year and still I played the best friend. The one he ran to and told all his secrets. Sometimes he'd tell me he loved me -- only the times when it was hard for me to hear his voice and know it was no longer mine. We'd spend nights and hours on end on the phone. His voice soothing my pains as I listened to him talk about how they were going to get married in February and other things. My heart kept beating and I couldn't figure out why. 11

I took it all out on myself. I found a way to break open my disposable razors and I would try to slash his voice from my veins -- where it circulated through my system and ultimately kept my heart beating. It was all in vain. I was shaken up over a boy a thousand miles away -- when there were problems at home that needed to be dealt with. All my cousin could tell me was "I told you so." The words stung like hell. Each night I'd fall asleep to the sound of my own sobbing. Knowing that I was loveless and always would be, my father was addicted to drugs, my brother was becoming a hoodlum, and I was stuck in the middle of it all. Drowning -- my head barely above water. 12

Then one day he called me. I hadn't heard his voice in a while and it took my by surprise. He was crying and telling me how they'd broken up and he knew it would never work between them because he was still in love with me. I fell to the floor sobbing -- finally the words that I had longed to hear were flooding my ears. My skin tingled and my heart swelled and began to dance within my chest. Small little flutters in my stomach. Something told me -- he and I would work.13

A few years past and we kept the on and off thing going. One month he couldn't take it and the next he didn't know how he had lived without me. I took it as a natural weakness. We tried everything to make the distance work and sometimes it did others it didn't. After finally being fed up with my fathers childish ways and the fact that he acted like he was the only one who lost someone that day... I moved out on my own. After a few months I took a bus from Ohio to Georgia to live with my cousin. The greyhound trip was long and tiring. The boy from California told me not to go -- but I had anyways. 14

Whilst in Georgia I got into trouble. It almost cost me my relationship. I had been intoxicated and unwillingly was forced to cheat on my boyfriend in California. I was taken advantage of but knew that it was partially still my fault. Months went by of fighting and arguing -- one day we'd be together and that night we'd be apart. It was breaking me down slowly and I knew that it wouldn't last much longer without some sort of drastic action to prove that I did love him and that I was only his. I still can not forgive myself for that night. But, somehow he found a way to put it aside -- under one condition, that as soon as I got the money that I would move out to California to be with him. 15

I waited tables for a week at my Waffle House job and had finally scraped the money together. I sold my computer -- not needing it anymore -- and packed my things. Standing at the greyhound station in Gainsville, GA my cousin balled her eyes out -- we were best friends and now I'd be a thousand miles away from her. But, there was something more important I had to do. Something I had to show someone. 16

A three day bus trip to California was the worst. Sticky bodies everywhere -- heavy luggage buckling you down. But I made it to California half expecting him not to show up. But there he was... in a little red car waiting. I walked up to the car as he was getting out of it.17

I let my luggage stand behind me as we embraced in the best hug I've ever had in my whole life. Nothing could ever compare to that moment. The moment our eyes first met and his large arms wrapped themselves warmly around my body. Ah, the sweetest embrace. 18

It's been six months since that day and I am happy to say that we're doing fine. Everything is nearly perfect. We're even trying to have a baby. It's as if none of the bad stuff happened -- only the good -- as if we were never a thousand miles away after all. Our hearts were together the whole time -- even if our bodies were not.