He hailed from the east coast, drifting into the village here beneath the scarlet hills of North Dakota. It was akin to death valley, yet this was a rolling flat of green and grey, filled with the smokey grace of chimneys, spewing a rich velvet like smoke. This was a bit of a gambling town in its hey-day, yet now a desolate barren place, its name rang with that eerie feeling of ghostly residue. The Village of Iron Horse was almost empty. 1
As he walked down the dusky main streets of the village, he noticed the buildings. Windows missing or caked with dust, paint pealing, doors either missing or crooked, even the porches seemed dilapidated and falling apart. Yet he sensed he was being watched.2
The dust swept the deserted streets in big swooping clouds, and the low squeak of a shod-iron gate came eerily into his mind, bringing to life a vision of mice. And yet he kept pushing through, all the while beneath the most unearthly dilapidation he had ever witnessed. The silence surrounding him reminded him of the tale of Roanoke, with the mass disappearance of people. 3
It's like a ghost town, he said to himself the words croaking out between dry chapped lips. He was thirsty and needed water. As he thought of this he suddenly saw an old wooden barrel beneath the corner roof of this grotesque little building, a gleam was glistening off the surface.
Water, he thought as he rushed over without thinking and thrashed his entire head into the bucket. It seemed to vanish as if only a mirage. What in the damned vapors he grunted, that's just pissar!4
What is, a deep smooth feminine voice asked.5
He jumped, spinning around to face the sudden voice, seeing a tall slender woman, with a pretty oval face, and deep green eyes, where did you come from, he asked.6
Why here of course, she said laughing, where did you come from?7
Back East, he said fidgeting in his pockets for some tobacco, just North of Boston, he said.8
Well now, what am I to do with you, she asked eyeing him up and down, yes you'll do nicely.9
Do? He was baffled, just wat do you mean I'll do nicely, he asked squinting his eyes a bit.10
Have you not heard of the scarlet hills in this area, she asked eying him up and down. Strangers come here and are never seen again, she said.11
The alarm was ringing in his skull, and yet he found he couldn't look away from her, something about her eyes.12
My manners are lacking a bit today, she said, I am Selinda your people in the east would call me a witch. We all moved here from the east after 1692. You can relax, we're not cannibals, she laughed her green eyes glittering in the light. Though we need strangers to marry and keep, for that way our kind will live on out here, she said. Come and kiss me my love, Selinda held her arms out to embrace him. Forget who you were, she cooed into his ear, for you are only my husband now and always.13
Her eyes were glowing as he neared her. All of who he was, or where he was going simply faded away into the billowing dust. As Selinda embraced him he saw for the first time, the reddish glowing eyes of the villagers gathering around them in a circle. He felt a warmth rising to his cheeks, and her moist lips brought him a deep consigning peace.
A contest entry
- As Prompted I: By Title by B Chandler.
100 points, ended October 9, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Great topic for a tale. Aside from regard to syntax.I liked reading very much.Nice work.
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Commentary Critique
WARNING: Long Commentary!!
While I loved how you took a hold of the title prompt and created your own story, I still noticed a few booboos throughout- one being the entire fourth 'paragraph'. While the lines are great, separating the conversional parts from the story parts would have your reading audience understand it more which in turn would have the paragraphs making more sense instead of having it look all smashed in together, therefore I can’t truly call it paragraph. Other grammatical booboos you have are (and these are suggestions to consider) :
Paragraph 2: Lowercase the ‘t’ OR capitalize the ‘d’ in “daggers”
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Paragraph 4: *Take this entire section, put it on Microsoft Office Word, and separate it. The flow of it would make more sense if you were to temporarily double-space everything that way when you’d replace it back, it would make more sense (on a practical level).
*Watch your homophone! Use ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’.
*Comma after ‘this’ in line two
*Fiddle around with either saying ‘questioned’ or ‘asked’ at the end of this line: He jumped………………………………………….. “Where did you…..” he said (asked/questioned—fiddle with either one for better flow)
*Lowercase the ‘e’ and ‘n’ in east and north
*Insert a period after ‘witch’; capitalize the ‘w’ in ‘we’- making a new sentence. NUMERAL version of year (never spelled out)
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Paragraph 5: Omit the comma after ‘away’ and ‘dust’. Insert a period after ‘circle’- making a new sentence starting at ‘he’ (capitalize the h).beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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