My day started normally – the same plunger coffee in the same ‘Blondes Aren’t Dumb’ mug, the paper in the garden rather than the letterbox (blame that one on the hyperactive delivery kid), and the birds and all the other inane parts of life doing their thing. I did the same – dressed and left for work as a legal secretary. My day had progressed as it regularly did, drawing up paperwork for new clients, filing reports, and answering calls. 1
When lunch hour rolled around just after noon, I left the office for my customary lunch down the street at ‘Mario’s’. Out of habit, I got the BLT on rye with a freshly squeezed pineapple juice. At thirty-six I had a figure I wanted to keep (or at least most women wanted, but couldn’t have), yet since I loved most healthy food, my food choices were not that much of an issue for me as they would for someone else.2
With fifteen minutes to spare of my break, I finished, paid the bill, and departed from the café to walk back to the office. 3
A flash of pale lime green caught my eye, something vaguely paper-like fluttering across the dirty grey bitumen beside me. I slowed my pace, and it did so too, pausing to taunt me with one hundred reasons why I should pick it up.4
Quick to rationalise that it only sat a metre or so out on the road, and though it briefly lifted and skipped forward with the aid of a slight puff of wind, it was temptingly within my reach.5
With barely a look around me, I flawlessly executed a simple action: one long stride, a swift stoop, followed by a manicured hand stretched out to snatch it from the ground. 6
I really hadn’t considered the other variables…7
As I bent over, a sudden gust of wind exercised its rights under Murphy’s Law: it caught the hem of my skirt and merrily flipped it up over my back. 8
If it had happened to someone else, I would have discreetly laughed behind a hand while thanking the powers-that-be that it wasn’t me. Unfortunately, in this case, it was me, with my Victoria’s Secret ivory lace bikini briefs on show (and definitely no longer Secret), for the entire world to see.9
As I wrestled the traitorous fabric, hell-bent on participating in the anarchy the wind had started, someone else joined me in the please-don’t-look-at-me club of embarrassment.10
A screech of rubber on bitumen rang out; a man driving a refrigeration truck downwind from me obviously hadn’t expect to catch such a stunning view of a woman’s intimates. 11
I turned; face burning with indignation, only to face further commotion.12
As the truck came to swaying halt just metres from me, a side door unlatched and packages of frozen poultry flew out.13
That should have been the end of the incident, if not for the fact that these bounced and slid across the road, and onto the footpath. One particularly bulky package skimmed across the concrete with the ease of a hockey puck and travelled directly under a four-wheel scooter driven by a blue-haired granny.14
Likely due to poor eyesight and lack of hearing, she never stopped. Instead, her electric scooter gave a protested whine as some of the plastic from the frozen parcel caught around something under the device. She might have noticed something awry as the conveyance slowed, but she instead chose to urge the scooter faster.15
I watched in disbelief as the scooter gave a scream of defiance, and then rocketed toward a group of al fresco diners. 16
Too busy discussing frivolous things – such as which secretary had been caught snogging the boss near the water cooler – the various business-attired people barely noticed the bright red scooter as it hurtled toward them. 17
Clinging to the scooter with a gnarled grip for her life, she and her transport clipped the chairs upon which two suited professionals sat. I watched as the chairs tottered and the two men fell across their table. Tomato-laden pasta catapulted as both grabbed the same corner for support. Red and cream cascaded, splattering their crisp white shirts and the standard paisley ties as they finally sprawled across the ground.18
Like most of the bystanders, my eyes were drawn to that debacle rather than the lone fork that had arched into the air, reached its apogee, and then fell, points first, at the unsuspecting seagull on the sidewalk.19
Most people, including me, noticed the bird’s erratic flight instead – the silvered utensil protruding from its back – as it came to a flopping finish in the foyer of a small art gallery. 20
Two people, however, had not seen the hapless bird’s untimely demise, and especially had not seen it take its dying breath under their feet.21
I probably wouldn’t see it either, had I been them – and they both were carrying one rather large sculpture: an awkward snarl of metal and glass vaguely resembling a reclining woman.22
Those watching in that split second held a collective breath as that boot rose and fell. By then, the ram-raiding granny had come to a stop on a café barricade; hand clutched to her chest, but most ignored her in favour of seeing the progression of that mere boot.23
Not close enough to hear what occurred next (thankfully), I only saw the events of the next few seconds: an ankle twisting, a boot skiing a scarlet slickness, hands fumbling to maintain a grasp, legs spread akimbo, faces fixed with consternation. 24
The struggle lasted for seconds longer than it should have – one of the men had scrambled to maintain his equilibrium while the other simply tried to prevent the artwork falling.25
Several people finally abandoned their food to run and assist as both men failed. One fell to the floor, followed by the sculpture tilting and sliding out of the other’s hold. With a heavy thump, one corner of the metal and glass contraption hit the polished floorboards of the gallery. Glass had tinkled on metal as the impact shattered it, flinging glittering slivers everywhere.26
I don’t know how it eventually got to where it did, but one jagged piece of glass escaped the gallery. Its errant flight, tumbling through the afternoon air, brought it to rest in the fur of a mangy, under-fed mutt. A startled yelp preceded a frantic jiggling run as it attempted to free itself of the crystalline barb in its flesh.27
It might have run as far as its stumpy, flea-bitten legs could have carried it, had it not been tethered to the vaguely rusting shopping trolley. As it was, the dirt-encrusted nylon rope tightened, its taut length causing the dog to freeze in midflight, a parody of frantic escape, as its front paws peddled in desperation. 28
Slouched against the handle of the trolley, a paper-bagged aid to constant inebriation clasped in his hand, was a man of questionable… sanity. Whether through sheer luck, or bleary-eyed nonchalance, he had missed the previous unfortunate events. Thus, he did not expect the trolley to dislodge from its place of resting and roll forward. 29
He stumbled, arms cart wheeling, his attention split between the amber beverage slipping between his finger-less gloved hands and the trundling trolley that now began to gain momentum. 30
The mutt, sensing freedom, tugged harder. Inertia guaranteed, the trolley picked up speed, and the homeless man had made one final attempt to snag his escaping possessions.31
I cringed, with that slight eye-narrowing twitch, as one of his feet caught on a crack in the concrete and he had plunged forward.32
The collective breath soon transformed to a gasp, which joined the sound of the diminishing electronic whir of the dying scooter, as the man’s mouth collided with cracked plastic handle bar of the trolley. The dog continued forward, oblivious, as its owner slid to the ground howling obscenities. 33
The scene stilled for several moments, or at least until an enterprising toddler found the small splash of blood. Sitting slightly off-centre in the tiny puddle, a pale, yellowed tooth sat, which had (until its early exodus) been lodged in place in the mouth of the vagrant. 34
Stubby inquisitive fingers grasped the jagged artefact and held it up. “Mummy, look!”35
Ignorant of their child’s pleas for attention, her parents barely glanced at the bloody prize, except to utter words I believe they never will again speak without making damn sure first.36
“Yes, darling, very nice.”37
The child, who must have comprehended that ‘very nice,’ always referred to a consumable, simply smiled serenely and slipped it between her chubby lips.38
To the chorus of nearly a hundred silent pleas (and a lot of 'eww's), the child’s face screwed up in distaste. “Yucky!” 39
That got her parents attention quicker than the last. They stopped and glanced down at their child. Red-tinted drool rolled over the girl’s bottom lip just as the offensive item made its debut appearance. When it did, the effect was instantaneous…40
“Oh my… spit it out,” the woman commanded as she paled considerably.41
Beside her, the father, after taking in the whole scene, held a hand to his mouth and gagged.42
The woman turned to her husband. “What…?” 43
The father resorted to crude hand gestures, before turning away to vomit down the whitewashed wall of a nearby fashion outlet. At least he meant to, if the real estate agent hadn’t walked past and into the path of the half-digested projectile breakfast.44
The woman, dressed in the standard impeccable style of all real estate agents, stood stock still for several moments before her perfect façade twitched with a mixture of revulsion and superiority.45
As the man muttered apologies, she placed her hands on her hips and surveyed the entire panorama. Her well-practised eye (the one that all real estate agents are born with that can spot a ‘renovators dream’ from a mile away) took in the vagrant, the chaos in the gallery, followed by a cursory glance at the overturned scooter.46
Knowing her gaze would soon find the gold at the start of the pandemonium rainbow, I shuffled backward, plotting my course for the sanctuary behind a garish billboard advertising half-price eyebrow waxing.47
Just before the real estate’s gaze finally fixed on me, it abruptly settled on the old woman instead, who – now – clutched her chest dramatically and collapsed on the sidewalk. With bare centimetres to go, I breathed a guilty sigh of relief, and then slipped behind the sign.48
I turned nonchalantly and made to leave, but as fate would have it, a finger gravitated in my direction. Pretending that the owner of the treacherous digit was indicating someone beyond me, I continued walking.49
“Oi!”50
I paused, but refused to face the speaker.51
“She started all this…”52
I gripped my handbag closer as the steely hand of accusation seized my guts and twisted them. A slight breeze made the fabric of my skirt ripple as I heard the sound of a vehicle door opening and closing.53
“Mate – I’d recognize an ass like that anywhere.”54
I turned to find the truck driver leering at me, as well as several other al fresco diners who glanced between the driver and me with keen interest.55
He crossed his arms. “What do you think you were doing – bending over like that? Blimey, I ain’t seen knickers like that for a long time… I least not outside those fancy pants ‘lingerie’ stores.”56
His words and my attempts to continue walking backward had drawn the attention of the real estate agent. Her eyes narrowed as she focused on me. 57
I met her gaze over the devastation that the fracas had wrought on the unwilling participants: a pasta-splattered executive pumped away at the elderly ram-raider’s chest, one of the gallery workers wiped blood and feathers from a boot, the homeless guy administering his own brand of painkillers, and the two parents consoling their sobbing toddler.58
A few more hands and fingers pointed in my direction as the woman stepped from the puddle of sick. A hush settled over everyone as she approached, striding past all; her squelchy steps discordant with the crisp snaps her four-inch heels made on the pavement.59
As she came closer I fidgeted, thoughts of legal costs and ramifications streaming through my head. I hoped I wouldn’t be sued.60
When the woman finally came within metres of me, my mobile chimed. I plucked it from my bag. “Hello?”61
“Susan?” 62
My boss. I cursed under my breath, flicking my wrist to catch a glimpse of the time… crap… I was late. “Phillip… something… unexpected has come up…” I glanced at the real estate agent who stood in front of me, fuming. “I’ll be… delayed for a few more minutes.”63
“Time is money, Susan.”64
The woman in front of me started to tap her foot – but it sounded more wet and squishy than just impatient. “Of course, Phillip, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”65
I snapped the phone shut, and smiled at the woman. “Yes?”66
She pointed at her shoes. “Do you know how much I paid for these?”67
I didn’t have the foggiest – I didn’t earn enough to shop anywhere else apart from Payless Shoes. I shrugged.68
She whipped out an embossed rectangle of some obviously expensive cardstock and held it out to me. “Nine hundred dollars… A cheque will be sufficient.” She clicked a French-manicure nail against the card. “Made out exactly as my name appears here,” she said with an annoying North Shore twang.69
I snatched the card from her after she waved it in my face again. She turned and strode away, only to slide out of one vomit-soaked shoe and stumble. With some difficulty, I choked back a laugh as she lost her balance and went down on one knee.70
This time I fled the scene, with more haste and less dignity, and nary a glance back. 71
The hundred-dollar note – the sole cause of everything – sat crunched in my sweaty hand. Who would have known that such a simple thing could have caused so much?72
I hadn’t, that was for sure.73
Author notes
I'm Aussie - so any so-called 'spelling errors' are in fact how we spell those words - as far as I know, America haven't taken over the world yet.
A contest entry
- BOREDOM!!!!!! by Luckyk.
150 points, ended September 21, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random in a Hat by perfect paradox.
800 points, ended May 13, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absurd writing by F66142589.
450 points, ends December 5, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Let There Be HUMOR!!!!!!! by diamonds.R.forever.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh, 'Til I Cry. by Schnitzel.
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Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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This is very good i can see it all play out in my head. and to think that a simple
thing could start all that. I enjoyed reading this a lot, and how is all that for a chain-reaction.
Also, how annoying is it that we - Australians - have to add all these words to our dictionaries eg. Colour, and flavour, they have a u, for god's sake. We aren't spelling it wrong, they are!
And I would pick up a hundred dollar note, specially an Aussie one. Seriously we have the best looking money!
Thank you for entering and good luck, Schnitzel -
VERY GOOD!!! i love how everything was a chain reaction!!!
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Very funny! Talk about not only one of someone's most embarrassing moment, but also a bad day! I could see the scene easily playing out in my mind
Outrageous events from just her bending over to pick up that thing 
P56: I least
I think you meant 'at least'
Overall, entertaining, engaging and gave me a great laugh. Job well done 
I'm helping StrawberryPrincess judge the contest- so 
and thanks for entering!
Pixie
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i like this alot.I really like that you used all kinds of moods and made me figure out what was going to happen at the last sentence i mean that was awesome.i hope you keep writing and i re\ally hope yo like this comment because i liked your story and i liked the first se4ntence of the story.It was really interesting. I wish that this message is getting through to you on how much i like your writing.I like your genre of writing.I like everything about your writing.Every sentence drew me in closer to the rest of the story.Know what i mean? Anyway you probably do.I liked the fact that it was funny.I could not stop laughing i kept reading but my eyes swelled up with tears from laughing so hard at the story.You seriously have a way in humor of the world.It kinda relates to my life and i hope thgis is still getting through to you but this is getting really really really long soo mmmwaaahhh byebye
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*takes deep breaths to stop laughing*........okay, so I'm not that dramatic. This was a good story, very funny chain reaction and a nice read. I do wonder what it is that caught her eye, the object that she bent to pick up.....great job and good luck!
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Very good idea. And a catchy story. As I read the story, I realized I at times just looked at the text while not really reading, so I guess it was not perfectly entertaining for me. But such a cool idea.
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Now THAT is a stroke of bad luck right there. It was very well written and it made me smile multiple times. Good luck in the contest!
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Funny, entertaining. Loved it
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Funny! (:
I have very few problems, one of them was the paragraph describing what she ate was probably not needed. Other than that this is a great story!
Thank you for entering my contest!
peace,
.PP. -
Very funny write, kinda lika a domino effect. All the trouble started with her just picking up a hundred dollar bill. lol
Funny stuff (:
Good luck in the contest (: -
This... is so funny......
lol I actually had to read the whole thing because I couldnt stop, though it killed my eyes... You really have a talent in keeping interest and forming words... Great job!
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I know I read and commented on this before, but I did catch something I don't think I did before;
p11 expect should be expected to keep it in the correct tense.
p56 "I least" ?? should this be "at least?"
p68 it could just be me, but isn't "anywhere else apart" kind of redundant as "anywhere else" is kind of implied in apart. To me it sounds more correct without "else.
Otherwise it is of course a funny story.
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Hm, a very funny story. Very descriptive and full of emotion as well. This is very good and is partially realistic to the normal everyday lives of people.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck! -
I love that she can't afford nice shoes but bought Victoria's Secret lingerie, which ain't cheap.
I liked it.
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Good. Very good.
I loved the humor, the randomness of events, and the good ending. I just had to keep reading once the whole chain started, reading one unfortunate happening after another. I couldn't stop, and that's a sign of good writing.
Nice job.
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This is so original, I absolutely adore it.
It was one of those mindless, grinning dumbly at the computer screen while reading and enjoying every bit stories.
Absolutely hilarious.
Great work, it was written very socially wonderfully...
Thank you so much for entering my contest, and I wish you the best of luck!
xoxo
-♥-
Tay
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I loved that. It was hilarious and completely lawful. You portrayed Murphy's law fantastically, it cracked me up.
I especially loved the bit where the not-so-secret victoria secret was revealed. It cracked me up.
I read on just to see what incredibly unlikely thing would happen next, it was so randomly careful. (that wasn't meant to make sense)
There were no typos that I could see. Over all Well Done -
cool *poker face*
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Okay wow. Lol. i kept reading just to see what absurdity would happen next. I like how you write about a situation that seems so unbelievable but using the your words and devices and your particular brand of humorous writing, turn it into something that is believably unbelievable-if your understand what I mean by that.
And think that by coming back to the entire issue of it being a simple thing at the end helps to add to that and encapsulates the entire story into a total package. Does need some work in terms of transitioning between ideas, but I think as you work on writing that will definitely improve. And I will not comment on any grammatical errors as I have seen that others have done that for me
And that part about victoria secret not being secret, cliche but well used in this instance.plot: 3, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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I laughed so much when reading this! Fantastic. I also love your author notes - you tell 'em!
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Thank God i dont wear skirts...this is comical. excellent description and development. Thanks for entering and Good Luck
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Hahahahaha. This was very funny! I really laughed at the 'Domino effect' that caused all these things to happen and it was very, very funny. Excellent job! There were a couple of grammatical and spelling mistakes but apart from that a very good job.
Best of luck in the contest!
Chrissie
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What an amusingly improbable chain of events.
I like how you were adding new calamities while keeping the prior ones in motion. Murphy's Law on overtime. Nicely thought out!
And all because some chick in a short skirt bends over on a windy day. What are the odds? At least she still had the money in her hand when it was all over. *chuckles*
Great fun story.
Nicely done!
Greg
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Oh...I pity her so much.
This story is going to make me think twice before I wear any skirts.
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Excellent work. I normally don't see such solid spelling and grammar!
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I thought this was quite funny! The events one after another ensued with hilarity. I was quite impressed.
And do not fear, America will soon have conquered your pitiful continent! hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ok, that's a joke, Blondie. This was good. You have a gift. Nicely done!
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hilarious
Very good, using the formal style. Loved it. The chain of events are wonderfully orchestrated, and I have to say I particularly liked the toddler episode.
There are a few grammatical issues, which I will now present, along with comments on minor stylistic points. I found no spelling issues - but then again, I'm Australian.
para 1 - "parts of life" - perhaps "elements"? You could consider the last sentence being a new para, as you are referring to a different part of the day.
para 2 - "lunch" used twice a bit too close together - disrupts flow a little - perhaps "repast" for the second instance (although that word might not sit well). Similar situation with "food" occuring too close together.
para 3 - "of my break" - is correct, but I was wondering if it might be better as "in my break".
para 4 - perhaps a comma after "paper-like".
para 5 - "Quick to rationalise that it only" seems overly conversational - wouldn't it perhaps be better as "As it only".
para 6 - a sentence that doesn't need to be that complex - try "... I flawlessly executed one long stride, a swift..."
para 12 - don't think the semicolon is right - probably a hyphen.
para 13 - "swaying halt" may need an "a" before it.
para 14 - "these" doesn't seem grammatically correct - perhaps "they", or "these xxx", where "xxx" is some humourous description of the poultry.
para 17 - "people" seemed out of step in terms of language - perhaps "luncheoners"?
para 18 - "she" in the first sentence, while clearly referring to the "granny", might need to be more accurately described, given several paragraphs without referring to her.
para 19 - "points first" - an alternative could be "pointed-end first". Since the seagull is first introduced, you might want to consider "an unsuspecting seagull..."
para 20 - not sure "instead" is appropriate.
para 25 (and referring to a few earlier) - you use the word "seconds" a little too much - try to find alternate words and phrases.
para 28 - "the... shopping trolley" should be "a... shopping trolley".
para 30 - "began" should be "begun".
para 33 - add "the" before "cracked plastic handle bar".
para 34 - "a pale, yellowed tooth sat" could be better phrased "sat a pale, yellowed tooth".
para 39 - consistent with separating dialogue and introduction with paragraphs in 36 and 37, you may want to do it with "Yucky!" - or revise the aforementioned.
para 40 - "parents" should be "parents'".
para 41 - I think the woman's dialogue should be completed with an exclamation mark.
A very good read indeed. -
Wowsies! Absolutely laugh out loud hilarity at times, and at others, you just smile and grin.
My, what a chain of events! Murphy's Law in action her - very well executed. It seemed to me to be the sort of thing old Bean gets harrumphed about - - but the way you wrote it, as Dan said, "Formal writing in humour" - this was great! I could imagine every movement, every tumble of the dominoes = the interconnectedness of it all was hilarious.
Great read! Made my day, too. Now all I have to pray for is something of this sortd doesn't happen to me.
Oh, but then again, I don't wear skirts ...
RJ
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*Sighs happily* thunder is safe... for now.
An excellent example of formal writing in humour, this. I really enjoyed it.
The scooter was awesome. The scene I get in my head is high-larious.
I love the mention of Payless Shoes. It's nice to have companies that I know, and get shoes from, mentioned.
Yeah, nothing to suggest. Nice work as always.
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This piece makes me think of Marilyn Monroe standing over the subway grating in her white dress, and what sort of chaos might have ensued in reality. Great work!
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awesome!
I think this is very well written...it is a perfect short story. Well done -
Nice
seriously, i know that I really shouldn't be laughing, but I am. That was highly amusing. Luckily, nothing like that has ever happened to me, but yeah, the most entertainly chain reaction I have ever heard. WEll done!!!
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yay! great job i loved it! and I actually read to the end! im Aussie too so i dont see any mistakes it was good
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That is the most disastrous and hysterically funny chain reaction I've ever read...
The title drew me in, and I can see how it fits. I was grinning throughout the story! [I never laugh out loud, so don't take it personally] Anyways, everything was described perfectly, and the wry humor of the main character was classic.
I loved it!
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I did enjoy reading this...somehow it caught My eye and I was drawn through it and toward the end. Am glad I did...brought Me a smile.
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That was a seriously awesome story. It made me laugh, and was very unexpected.
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Oh, my! Looks like the Keystone Cops live! (And then some!) Glad I wasn't there. And sorry I'm not reading this on a better day...one which would have rendered me a bit more vulnerable to a jolly time. I appreciate the effort. (Loved the line about Victoria's Secret no longer being a secret!)
G
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Wow, that was quite a run of events! The way you smoothly connected each event to the next made it seem all the more plausible. Okay, the seagull getting stabbed by the fork was a bit iffy, but that's exactly what made it hilarious! I loved the end, slipping in her vomity shoes. Although, really, she has no idea who you are so how can she possibly expect payment? That chain of liability would so never stand up in court. Well, maybe a kangaroo court, AHAHAH....oh never mind.
I get that you're Aussie and you all spell things differently. I like it, me. But I'm pretty sure you don't spell "she" H-E-R: P18 her and her transport = she and her transport: she...clipped the chairs.
Very funny story; glad I clicked it!
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This was great. It defenitely made me laugh. Nicely done. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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Weeeeee.... I love Rube Goldberg machines! Though the pain it all induced kind of offsets the happiness. I was cringing the whole time. Have to envision it as a cartoon... ah, now it's funny again.
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wow. simple and odd and...funny? lol. nice work though.
beginning: 1, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Good story.
I enjoyed this story and enjoyed the humour.
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Funny (=
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