1
*Feeling rejuvenated, I once again left the temple in search of the desert king. Upon my departure, I was visited by some of the temple's youth. I had became an idol to these children...a role that I except very graciously.* 2
*As I gazed at this beautiful reminder of innocence, I noticed that one small boy stood out from the rest. I couldn't place what exactly it was that set him apart...I was just drawn to him somehow. He slowly started towards me with his arms extended and his hands cupped. He then opened his hands up and presented me with an orb...the like of which I had ever seen before. It's brilliance had me in a trance.3
4
*"Take this." The boy said. "It will guide you to the desert king."* 5
*"And what do you know of the desert king, child?" I asked.* 6
*"Enough." he replied with a devilish yet playful grin.* 7
*"What is your name, son?"* 8
*"Sylo, sir." he said with a nod.* 9
*At that I pocketed the orb, tipped my hat and was on my way. Young boys and their juvenile ideals of warriors and mystics. I was the same way in my youth.* 10
*As stunning as the orb was, my good senses told me that it was a novelty child's toy that could be purchased at the temple market. For not even the mystics had such devices for tracking the desert king. He will only show his earthly form to deserving eyes...the eyes of a true warrior.* 11
*This will be one long journey.* 12
** 13
Author notes
This is my first story I have posted here so Im very excited. I would really appreciate it if while critiqueing this piece you could point out grammar and spelling errors....I like to be corrected on that.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Why is this listed under Adult? Was that a mistake?
I'm looking forward to reading on! What adventures await the man with the orb? I will find out! -
Needed a little tweaking, but good.
alright, english is my FIRST language, so I'll try hard to spell/grammer check here.
"by some of the temples youth..." Temples should be Temple's, as the temple 'possesses' the youth.
". I have became an idol to these children...a role that I except very graciously.* " Have is the present tense of the verb, and the rest of your story is in past tense- have should be had. Except should be accepted-wrong form of the word. (how we hate homonyms...)
"none like I have ever seen before..." the wording here is awkward- either "Like none I have seen before" or "the Like of which i have seen before"-something like that.
"What is your name son?"* " there should be a comma (,) between name and son.
the only other thing i had a problem with was your highlighting in red (it annoyed me) and your asterisks (*) around your paragraphs. didn't quite get why those were there. But i will give you props for giving space between paragraphs-makes it easier to read. Good luck on your next write- if you like, IM and I'll give you my email so you can send it to me to proofread it before you post it! -
You are something dear friend. That is so amazing that u know english so well. Sometimes I think that you might not know what an incredible thing it is to speak so many languages fluently. Maybe Belgium is just really different then we are with education. See, the ratio of americans who speak foreign languages is far lower then the ones who don't. Hell, out of all the people I know that are true americans....not one of them knows a foreign language. Learning a foreign language is EXTREMELY hard. Leander, don't you realize how much money you could make over here knowing everything you know? America is melting pot of so many different cultures and races.....interperters are needed everywhere. Remember that factory I worked at that I met all those people from the czech republic and hungry and stuff? Well, when we had company meetings or any other function they would have an interpter come in and translate. Thats all the man did....he talked.....and he made a whole lot of money for it. If you ever do decide to move here, you will make big bucks, that's a fact! Thank u so much for your comment, I will change it as soon as I can....my computer time is up aat the library. Lots of love.....Shannon Rose
-
Great start! It leaves the audience wanting more. Only one error I noticed. This line: He then opened his hands up and presented me with an orb...none like I have ever seen before. I believe it should be. He then opened his hands and presented me with an orb.... unlike any I had seen before. Can't wait to read more.
Edited on Mar 15, 11:31 because ''. -
Well sweety, this is truly magnificent!
I have words too short to say all the things I want to say about this wonderful write...
Now, you asked to look after grammar or spelling errors, well... I know I'm not really a reference since English is my third language, but I think I have found some...
In the first paragraph:
--> I have became an idol... --> I think it's become
--> a role that I except very... --> accept
Second paragraph:
--> couldn't place what exactly it was that... --> I couldn't place exactly what it was (I think)
And the rest seemed all good to me...extremely good in fact
keep in mind that I'm not really a good reference for correcting
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
