Yesterday, I went to visit my friend Cora in her dorm room across campus. She has three other roommates, one of whom is very artistic and two of whom are very inclined to drunken debauchery. Cora told me that the small den they share was undergoing a decor change, and would soon be the hall's "sex-ed" room.1
"Oh, really?" I said, kicking gravel as we walked.2
Cora is a gorgeous girl with cute curves and bright eyes. She has right touch of spunk that I would have admired in the past, but now find misleading. 3
"Yes, Telly is such a good artist! We have a position for everyday, and people come by our room just to check it out and learn stuff." 4
"Ah," I said.5
We entered into her building, which is the complete opposite of my own. I live in the wellness dorm- no alcohol or cigarettes. No hookahs. My building is quiet, spacious, and in the woods. Hers is in the middle of campus, cramped, crowded with loud, moving, excitable people. It smelled strongly. I felt very claustrophobic as we moved down her hall.6
In her room, she showed me the rearranging that she did to make the den area more open for visitors. A bed, converted into a couch, was pushed against one wall. A futon intersected it, a mini fridge at the end. Hanging from the ceiling was a star shaped paper lantern that cast a warm light on the room. A table with a half eaten cake on it sat beside the television, and cake crumbs were scattered over the floor with plates and used napkins. 7
Also scattered on the floor were colorful human shapes.8
"We're going to hang those up," Cora told me. "We made them really diverse. See- one guy has a hair pick in his 'fro.. and this one is an Asian... and this girl here...."9
and I looked closely, and saw that the figures, each traced on different colors of construction paper and beautifully drawn, were males and females in the act of coitus, some kneeling, others facing, some in bizarre positions. Most had their eyes open, a few had their eyes closed. I don't think that any of them were kissing. Long, stylized paper arms wrapped over and under tiny waists and tapered legs. Ink skins melted into each other, and faces with no wrinkles wore silent expressions.10
The paper people were artistic, admirably so, but I felt intrusive and embarrassed, as if I had stumbled upon a couple's private photos. It was also erotic, and I felt jealous of those paper lovers and their unashamed embracing. 11
I looked away. On the wall, where Cora was pointing to various condoms that had been taped for dramatic effect, were torn magazine pages. Most were from tasteless periodicals about sex on first dates and how to attract men, which usually contain articles the next page over entitled "Why Do I Pick Bad Boyfriends?" Cora and her roommates had torn out how-to articles about sex positions and practices. All over were advertisements and pictures of beautiful men and women in private moments, or topless models in photo shoots, or anatomical drawings. Everything that junior high boys trade their whole month's allowance to get their hands on was posted on the wall. Breasts, bodies, pleasure, confidence, women, lust, independence on shiny, slick pages. 12
Cora and I stood there, scanning the wall. She was smiling; she was pleased at the brazenness of it all. 13
"It's funny," I told her, staring at her nose. "You guys even have health stuff. 'What does it mean when my boyfriend's testicles hurt?' Useful."14
She laughed. "Isn't it? People come in all the time, we just leave the door open."15
And they did, they just left the door open. I scratched my elbow, which allowed me to adjust my sleeves and shirt.16
She served me a piece of cake, and I debated dumping the crumbs in my hand on the carpet with the others, but I found a waste bin under the couch, passing the colorful figures strewn across the floor, frozen in their two dimensional love making. A red girl knelt on a red man's lap facing him. Her eyes were shut, his were not. She had a slender back and sweetly curved hips; his hands clasped these and he had a lean face that stared into her open mouth. You could almost see them moving together, in a rhythm decided on by the artist. 17
If they were living, breathing, bleeding people, they would have been as silent as their flattened wood pulp facsimiles. 18
Author notes
moral (for contest)- well, it depends, really; I think that society's view of sex is all wrong, and that it's publicized so much that people have forgotten the special and beautiful private side of it. wait, let me add something-- the beautiful private (and, yes) married side of it.
June Birthdays Contest- My b-day is the 15th! =D
and this story is about something that happened as a result of LIVING at school. Ah, higher education.
A contest entry
- Do you have an opinion? by Forgotten Anomaly.
775 points, ended September 21, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - While we're waiting, tell me your secret. I promise I won't tell. by Noisome..
300 points, ended September 13, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - June/July Birthday Contest by Kevan.
275 points, ended June 23, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you think that I care what you think? I think I do.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I feel abused....
It may be that, since I'm no longer young, I have lost touch with the youthful outlook on sex and related issues. It may even be that, since I have no taste for pornography, and a very strong distaste for the peddlers thereof, and the victims who believe they aren't victims of it, I could be a lone voice crying in the wilderness.
But there's a strong case for standing against this kind of open stupidity. Of course, we hear all the time that we should treat other people's opinions with respect, and be tolerant of their mistakes and their very well constructed and elegant theories, transforming what is wrong and crass into a possibility of freedom form the old-fashioned mores, and ways of thinking. There is a theory that, if you want to get a message of morality across to the immoral and amoral, you must adopt a softly-softly approach. meanwhile, the evil spreads.
let's be honest, it's easier to approach with an appearance of interest, and let the evil-doer and their cohorts crowd together and laugh at the last drops of purity. It's the easiest thing in the world to tr and take comfort from the idea that God will give them their just deserts, thus proving the old saw that for evil to flourish only requires the good to do nothing.
We are God's resources.
Think of that for a moment.
If being popular with your peers is more important than letting others know your true beliefs, if you conceal the knowledge of the difference between good and evil, if you plead that you lack the courage of your convictions, what will God make of you? I know, I really know, the kind of dilemma you've portrayed here. I know what it is to be laughed at, ridiculed and tormented for my beliefs. Take my word for it, these are as nothing compared to the hurt in our Father's eyes who has to judge and forgive you.
And all that stuff from GA about concealing your distaste. I have no idea whether or not Gary has any real convictions. I do know that he is very erudite and a little opinionated, but pliable about many things on the live and let live principle, only concerning himself on this site with techniques and technicalities. I note you "edited" this piece. Was it really necessary to make it bland?
Anyone can write bland, As to the moral, you don't know? are you sure about that?
I don't want to come across as the heavy, although I probably have. But I return to my original question, which is probably none of my business, and only you can answer; is popularity with your peers more important than standing up for your beliefs? -
I liked this a lot. It's very different and I like the opinions shown through. I'm not sure what point you meant to take in here.. Is it really waiting? Is there a secret? Perhaps a promise? i wasn't really sure, but, I did enjoy it a great deal. The abstract views of the girl and the guy's conservative and awkward feelings. It's a very different kind of piece and I respect and enjoy it. Very interesting, really.. Liked it a good deal. =] Thanks for the entry.
-Sarah.
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I was expecting something else but this is rad
OMG!!!!
This is gorgeous... *weep*
The dorms sound scary... the girl is totally annoying and realistic.... freaking.... shoot, man.
I agree with what Gary says about giving away too much... I see it in your writing at times...
But really it isn't bad in what I see here. I think you've edited it enough ^_^
The last line is crazy cool. <3
You're on a good streak, I think. Keep it up. Word.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A Noble Observation
I understand this piece.However, I believe because of your feelings, you have infused it with a bit too much editorial passion...that is, you have a habit of "tipping" you emotional hand...letting the reader know how YOU feel. It would be my advice (sage as it may or may not be) to simply relate the story...in such a way that the READER arrives at these feelings. One such rather subtle example of your injecting your OWN feelings instead of letting the reader draw his or her own conclusions is: when you consider the hand-held crumbs...and where and how to dispose of them. You do NOT simply say "I found a waste-bin" or held the crumbs until I found a waste-bin... you said: "I MADE THE EXTRA EFFORT to find the waste-bin!" You DID NOT need to tell us how "good" you were...expending this "extra effort!" Do you see? LEt us decide this! I won't bother to point out some other examples of this habit...but perhaps privately. You are TELEGRAPHING and making altogether TOO CLEAR your feelings...by some excessive verbiage. Trim this...watch for those extraneous words. RED FLAGS. Easy! More subtle. The message WILL COME THROUGH!Take an example from one of my favorite lines in this..."kicking gravel as we walked." This says plenty. And you don't have rub it in our face. "Ah, I said!" is another good line! (Really!) But then you beging to get heavy!
BTW...in P7, for some reason you switch tenses to a present tense. ("She SHOWS me") Any reason?
And later, in P8 the word "figures" threw me momentarily. What "figures." You might describe these when you introduce them.
In P10 I thought you used the word "some" excessively. It may have been intentional...but still, I thought it a bit much.
P11 is far too full of your PERSONAL EDITORIALIZING. Just report what you saw...LET THE READER determine how he or she "feels." THAT...THAT...is what will make the difference between a really good effort and a less soohisticated one.
Also, a word like "strange" (top of that graph) really doesn't say much, does it? I mean...what's "strange." Be more specific!
And your line: "I know how what I want to say sounds!" What are you saying? You DIDN'T like what you said...or how it sounded? Then...make it "sound" better! And if YOU KNOW..."how it sounds" tell us! Or make us "know!" (It was a bad, disastrous line, Leah!)
In P13...Don't say "I think!" Either she WAS...or she WAS NOT!
Or you might use: "She seemed"...but better yet...SHOW how she felt...!
And again, in re "editorializing..." Don't say: "That's pretty hilarious!" Don't TELL us! Let US DECIDE!
I appreciate what you're doing...it's TOUGH! Takes a bit of working at...trim...hone...and remember about showing how YOU feel...just the facts, ma'm. Let US decide. I'm sure we'll decided correctly!
Best,
GA
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Hey, GA! I did some revisions, especially taking out the places where my own opinions were annoyingly visible ^_^. There are a couple places were I couldn't, not just yet, but it's easier to read now, and I'm more proud of it. And that's what counts.
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This is kinda on the edge of what I consider to be erotic but not enough for me to DQ you. I actually thought this was very thoughtful and being that I'm currently sitting in a college dorm, believable. Its well writen, detiled (good or bad?), the grammar and spelling are good... thank you for entering my contest. You made a good point here.
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It's funny, the way you describe it. I think there is little promise in it. It breaks my heart. I love line 11. Perfect, darling. You write so well.
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