Another melancholy day.1
Silence envelopes my mind no matter what is going on around it, filling my mind, giving me the feeling that I’m underwater with no need to breathe. A warm breeze washes over my invisible sphere of silence, pressing against my face. I feel the slight pressure of the wind against my clothes, but no emotion ensues. For, in this dead world of warm colours, polished floors and falling petals, everything lies unaffected. Everything is always still.2
Here, I sit on the smooth tiles of the wall between the Garden of the Twisting Vines and the Garden of Quiet Solitude. I passively turn my gaze west, to the muted green hills in the distance. The vast wall bordering our land rises to block the view of anything but these distant green folds which, dimly, I remember being fascinated by. The sun casts a blanket on the surface of my invisible sphere; I close my eyes, sensing the warmth. When I focus more carefully on my physical awareness, the temperature is always there.3
A voice softly coaxes me out of my mild concentration, so I open my eyes and look toward the voice. My cousin, Mirialin, is standing over on the white gravel path beneath the apple blossom tree. She is calling to me. She might have been shouting, but I wouldn’t know. Volume doesn’t really penetrate my sphere. Rising, I step from the top of the wall and briefly feel the pressure beneath me making my clothing flutter as I fall through the air, but soon the sensation vanishes because I’ve reached the ground. Smoothly continuing the movement, I head along the path to see the girl.4
“Yes, Mirialin?” I hear my voice ask.5
“It’s time for lunch,” she tells me. “The family is eating together today, in the Dining Hall.”6
Some faint echo in my mind is pleasantly surprised, although I can’t be certain because it quickly dissipates. “Then I will go with you, Mirialin.”7
The Dining Hall is red. There are other colours; gold, a dark green, a bit of glossy black and of course the polished mahogany dining table. The room is supposed to be impressive and beautiful, but I’ve seen it many times already and now all I see is that invasive blood red, overwhelming my senses. Whenever I’m here, I tend to concentrate deeply on the table in front of me instead of looking up.8
Mirialin and I are the last of the family to arrive for lunch, and father seems to already have a place waiting for me by his side. Mirialin heads to her own seat and I float unhurriedly to mine. A lot of eyes rest on me, as always, and I assume it’s because father always has me sitting near him; clearly playing favourites. But everything is distant, and none of it really matters to me.9
Father speaks for a time. I wonder why so many of my family are assembled here today, all twenty seats at the table filled, and I briefly listen more carefully.10
“…tomorrow when we hunt down the…”11
Oh. So it’s to do with work. I’m not supposed to listen to this, so maybe that’s why everyone was staring at me before. But I’ve learned to only listen when spoken to, so they needn’t worry. A long time ago I asked father why I seemed to be the only person in our family that didn’t work. He told me… He told me… something about the safety of his youngest daughter…? But I know it was a good reason, and that’s the important part. I gaze at the table before me, sinking deeper into the comfortable silence of my sphere. Time disappears.12
“…Nenta…” 13
My head jerks up obediently, though it takes me a moment for me to emerge and listen to what’s being said. I miss the rest of my father’s sentence, but my uncle Regen begins to speak just as I focus.14
“I just don’t understand why invite her to our meetings; she’s not supposed to now any of this.”15
Father turns his warm brown eyes to me. “Nenta, did you hear anything of importance before I mentioned your name?”16
“No, father.”17
He nods. “You see? I’d be surprised if she heard anything at all, actually.”18
Regen doesn’t quite seem appeased. “She could be lying...”19
“Nenta, look at your uncle,” father tells me. I turn my head slowly to look straight into his uneasy face, though I’m not really looking at anything at all. “Does she look capable of lies?” father asks. Uncle Regen doesn’t seem able to speak; he chokes a little and does his best to hold my gaze. “Nenta, you don’t need to look at him anymore.”20
This is a suggestion, but I understand more than the words themselves so I look back down at the table.21
“…Trust aside,” Regen gathers himself, “what is the point of having her here?”22
Father laughs. “Why, if she weren’t here now, I would never see my daughter,” he replies, warmth touching his voice. Now that I’ve tuned into his tone, I hear it very clearly. “Nenta,” he says, “you needn’t listen anymore.”23
Almost faster than I can consciously decide to, I plunge immediately back into unawareness. The blood-coloured walls leave me in peace. Soon, a bowl of soup is placed before me and I pick up the spoon and start eating slowly. Considering it’s orange, I assume it’s pumpkin soup because I can’t be bothered concentrating on my tastebuds.24
I haven’t finished by the time the bowl is replaced by a second course but I don’t really care: I just put down my spoon and begin eating what’s there.25
After a fifth plate is taken away from me and nothing replaces it, I realise that lunch is over and look to my father so I know when to rise. He speaks; other people nod and speak back, and everyone finally begins moving from their places. The brief flicker of eye-contact father gives me tells me I’m dismissed. 26
Most of the gathering remains behind, discussing whatever I don’t need to hear. I’m given a wide berth, as if they all really can sense the walls of my sphere and know not to pass them.27
“Nenta.” I turn from my calm approach to the door and find myself facing my eldest brother. He’s my only sibling that talks to me on a regular basis. 28
“Yes, Aren?”29
He smiles, blue eyes sparkling. “You’re sixteen tomorrow,” he says as I focus on his voice. “Did you know that?”30
I search back through my memories to the last time I had a birthday. It seems so long ago; time makes little sense to me. “No.”31
Aren nods, still smiling, as if he expected as much. “Well, what would you like me to get you?” he asks. “Something pretty? Or is there something you need?”32
“Need?” It’s an effort to make another search through my memories. I know my sphere very well, but everything else is… dim. Ah, I’d used up the last of my ink yesterday evening when I was studying. “I need more ink,” I say, repeating the thought that had come to me at the time. 33
He laughs out loud, making other people turn and look at me with questioning expressions, wondering what on earth I could have said that was funny. Just like I was. “That’s not a very exciting present,” Aren tells me. “I could give you another ink bottle any day.” He nearly reaches for my shoulder before remembering himself. “I’ll get you something pretty,” he says, moving away and merging with the company. In silence once more, I return to my journey to the exit while people make way around me. 34
I’m mildly aware of the noise and movement of the room. Somewhere nearby, there seems to have developed some sort of commotion, although it’s easy to ignore since it doesn’t affect me, so I continue on my way. I have no warning before a figure suddenly crashes down on my sphere, shattering it completely.35
All of a sudden I’m aware of everything; the weight of my own body doubled by the extra weight of the man who fell on me. I see the patterns on the red walls that stand out in my vision, all drawing my focus at once, reaching out and jabbing through my eyes, swirling into a confused jumble of painful colours. A hundred sharp memories stab into my mind on top of that; this room wasn’t always a dining hall… but that’s all I can make out through the rapid fire of images. My silence is gone, replaced by noise. So much noise! So much noise that I clap my hands over my ears in terror, anything to drown out the overwhelming cacophony.36
The hot, dry air churning around my body makes me feel like I’m drowning in fine sand and can’t breathe something so coarse. In spite of this, it fills my lungs and I hear my own voice release a terrible scream.37
“Don’t touch her!!” father’s voice explodes through the air. I fill my lungs again with burning sand and let out another scream, screaming forever and ever just to drown out the crushing pain, the horror.38
When I wake, my precious sphere has returned. I can’t feel the satin sheets of my bed unless I look for the sensation. Everything… is mercifully… quiet. My eyes are open. Father is sitting in a chair by my bed, reading one of my textbooks. Very slowly, he closes the book, puts it back on my shelf, puts his hands in his lap, and looks up. “Nenta,” he says, softly but deliberately. 39
I tune into his voice though my mind seems reluctant to let anything past the sphere now; it feels tired and weak, fuzzy. “Yes, father?”40
He smiles, relieved. “You gave us quite a scare this afternoon,” he says. “I’m sorry Hugh fell on you. I should have been watching out for you more carefully. Of course, he shouldn’t have started a fight in the middle of the dining hall, but I don’t want you to worry, Nenta. He has been punished appropriately.41
I’m not worried, but he is. “Thankyou, father.” But this doesn’t appear to help his uneasiness.42
Author notes
This is a new story I've just started; it's different to all my other writing because the character has such an unusual point of view. Please tell me what you think!
Eph
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I noticed you use a lot of commas. I know I do the same, and I'm thinking that a few less commas and bit of varied punctuation could make for a more interesting story.
The story itself is very well written. Your talent with words is impressive, and your details are vivid and realistic. I may have just missed it, but I did not notice anything relating to smell in this story, however.
I've been told many a time that it helps to draw in the reader if you test each of their senses. For that matter, I don't recall seeing anything about textile sensation, either - at least, not in the literal sense.
Nonetheless, the story is very interesting and definitely worth the read. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work.
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Awesome! This story totally tripped out my mind! The way it's written is awesome, the character is so cool! <3
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Thankyou very much ^^ I'm so glad you like it; I think it may be my best work yet. Hope I don't stuff it up, lol
Eph
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i really liked reading something new. despite the fact that nothing out of the ordinary really happens, i was still entranced till the end, and i was left wanting more. I especially wanted to know what happened to the girl to make her retreat to her own world like that. I really liked it.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Mmm. Well, it's only the beginning of the story, so I'll build it up a little bit before bringing everything crashing down (which I will). But I'll try to get the big 'Woah' moment happening as soon as possible ^^ Thankyou for your comment
Eph
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Very good,
That was one of the best storys i have read on storywrite (aport from my own LOL) The discriptions were very good. I hope someting intresting happens in the next chapter.
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Thankyou very much ^^ I'll write the next chapter as soon as I'm able and put it up in the column-y thing again so you'll know when it's posted.
Thanks for your comment
Eph
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Wow that was freakin awesome! I'm a bit confused with the whole minds sphere thing though. Is she like special is some sort of way or something? Anywho I love the description you gave in this, it was absolutely beautiful, especially how you expressed the feelings of Nenta. Great job, And i can't wait to read more of this, I hope you do continue with it.
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Oh, well the sphere thing is more how she visualises it in her mind. It's not really a special power or anything, she's just trained her mind to do this. It's almost like brainwashing, the way it's happened to her, because her family sort of trained her to be that way. Although I wasn't supposed to mention that until later in the story Thankyou very much ^^ I'm working on three novels at the moment, but I'm sure I'll write another BoF post soon.
Eph
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Hey
that was cool
i really enjoyed that
it was highly detailed
and i was involved the
whole time reading it
great imagintaion
cant wait for more
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Thanks! Glad you liked it ^^
Eph
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Very good
I'm just gonna start at the beginning and write as I see things:
Just an idea, take it or leave it, but what if instead of having the names of the gardens (Garden of the Twisting Vines and the Garden of Quiet Solitude) in english, if they were in some other language? I think that would put some mysterious seduction into the story. I believe that "father" in paragraph 9 should be capitalized. In paragraph ten, the second sentence has something a little off about it. I think what it should be is either: I wonder why so much of my family is assembled here. or, I wonder why so many members of my family are assembled here... I can't tell yet if I like the sudden shift of pace in paragraph 35, or if I'm kindof apprehensive about it. I think that it works considering the plot that comes before it, but for some reason it feels a little sudden.
Overall, I think that this story is getting off to a good start. I'm very curious as to what Nenta is, or who she is, and why is she so docile? Very well written though!!! I agree with everyone else, you have a very dreamy quality to this writing. I enjoy it. Nenta's isolation is very interesting. I'd say more, but it appears that I'm just taking up space now...
Cheers friend,
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Hmmm, well having the garden names in another language is quite a good idea, although it might not make sense because this world is actually set in the present; the family simply cuts themselves off from the world a lot. But I'll see how I go as I write more ^^
Yeah, I'm not sure about capitalization of the word, 'father' because it's not a name, but it's still what she calls him.... Is there a rule for that? Oh, and yeah, that sentence is somewhat awkward; I'll work on it
The bit in par.35 is quite sudden, huh? I was thinking the same thing, but the character is so oblivious that I couldn't think of any way to build it up first. Any ideas?
Thankyou so much for such a thoughtful comment <3 Everything here has a reason, and Nenta wasn't always this way.
Thanks again for reading
Eph
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that was good
I felt really dreamy reading that. The sudden difference when the girls shere is gone is really powerful. All in all it was very strong piece of work, hang on, that was a silly thing to say, all your work is powerful, and I cant wait to read the next instalment
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Cool, that was what I was hoping for ^^ I wrote this by hand, so it l=took longer than usual. And it would take me an hour to write like 3 pages, and by the end of it I'd be all dazed and stuff..... O.o Lol
Thankyou so much ^^
Eph
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Cool! But long. Not to say long is bad. This was good. Get it? (=
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Thanks for your comment!
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This was really good- the voice of your character creates a really dreamy feel to the words, and I liked how the story is vague and mysterious at this point, not giving too much away. The descriptions were strong and created a nice image for my imagination to see. Overall, this was really interesting and original, and I can't wait to read more.
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your story was great i hope to read the next one that you write
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Wow... that was interesting. This has to be one of weirdist and most interesting charactors you have writen as of yet. I won't to read more! Are you finally going to have a female charactor as the main charactor? Besides Avi you seem to always use male charactors. I love this... its so descriptive... so amazing... I want to know what this is all about!
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Why yes, I am ^^ I do use male main characters a lot; I wonder why.... O.o
Yay! Thankyou so much for the feedback! I'm glad this was a successful venture
Eph
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