Feral Nights Part 1

They slapped the handcuffs on her and pushed her head down so she wouldn't bump it on the doorframe. It's not the first time she'd been in the back of a police car. It would, however, be the strangest and perhaps scariest. 1

She'd been arrested earlier that day for breaking and entering. She was hungry and they were closed. Oh sure she could have gone to the restaurant across the street, but she was craving tacos and this was the only Mexican grill around. The silent alarm went off and well... Here she was, hours later being transferred from the holding cell to the jail, and stuffed in the back of a squad car with a big sleeping dope who had pissed his pants by the smell of him. Probably some druggie they picked up in the middle of the street.2

She looked out at the overcast night sky, her last look at freedom for a while. It wasn't that small of a town in Maryland, but it wasn't Baltimore either. So these cops seemed a bit more lax than they probably should be. Well, normally they were relaxed, but as they drove into the jail yard she noticed something seemed odd. There were more officers than her previous trips3

The sleeping grizzly bear next to her moved a little and a rumble came from somewhere within him. His face flopped towards her and she could see now that it was big and round and scruffy. His swollen lips moved lethargically, as if he were testing if they would work. Slowly and with a bit of eye gunk stringing between them, his eyelids parted.4

He looked at her with curiosity just as she did he. He tilted his head like a little puppy dog. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. His mouth was dry and he licked his lips several times to wet them. Or was there another reason for wetting them?5

"Hi," he said with a quiet growl. She thought it was kind of sexy. "What are you in for?"6

"He's waking up," said the cop in the passenger seat. "Maybe we should taze him again?"7

"Nah, we've got backup. He's in cuffs. Can't do no harm. Don't want a lawsuit after all."8

They should have tazed him. He looked at her hungrily. It was no longer sexy. He looked like a cannibal. She wanted to yell at the officers to get her out of the car. He leaned in close. His hot breath nearly made her throw up. "Don't move, don't scream, and you won't get hurt. Understand?" His words were soft, almost as if he were speaking to a lover.9

She nodded but only as an automatic response, she had no idea what he was talking about.10

There were nearly a dozen troopers out there and most had rifles. She knew now they weren't for her. So what had this man done that warranted such a response? 11

"Stay here with her until we get him transferred." The officer in the passenger spoke to the driver as he exited the car.12

Two troopers opened his door one prodded him with a rifle to exit the car and the other pulled on his arm.13

The look he gave her and the way he gritted his sharp teeth told her he did not intend to go peacefully. They dragged him out of the car. He struggled as much as he could in the restraints. They slammed the door behind him and shoved him against the car. They shouldn't have done that.14

Something bad was happening. He screamed as if his guts were being ripped out. She heard metal snapping and the car shook as people were slamming against it. His body moved away from the car and she was grateful, believing they were dragging him away. Instead someone slammed hard into the door again. She stared as she recognized the large belt with all the tools on it and knew it to be a cop's. This mad man was loose! 15

What's worse as that cop slid to the ground something wet and dark covered the window. Blood? What the hell? She tried to see out the driver's side door to catch the action but the driver was blocking the view as he was watching too. She wondered why he didn't go out there, but knew he, like she, was probably too afraid.16

There were more screams. Finally gunfire! Took them long enough. Blood splattered across the driver's window and he jerked back. She let out a sigh knowing they had probably shot that crazy person and this would all be over shortly.17

Instead something hit the roof hard denting it. Both she and the officer crouched afraid whatever was out there was trying to get in. More gun fire and more screams. Something cylindrical and long flew by her window, she hoped it was a rifle but knew it was too thick and believed it was a body part. Remembering his warning she held her scream in.18

What the hell was that thing out there? He wasn't a man, that was for sure. She didn't want to look anymore. She just wanted it to be over. She began to pray which she didn't do often enough. She didn't know if she was safe in here or not, she hoped he would only attack those outside.19

Blood streaked all over the windshield, probably from the body still on the roof, obscuring what little she could see. The world was growing fuzzy and she didn't fight it. It was completely dark outside now something had happened to the floodlight. All the screaming and blood were making her faint. The screaming lowered in intensity. Was he moving away, ran out of victims or was her body finally shutting down? She wasn't sure. Though the loud gun fire had ceased, was that a good thing?20

She heard a door open to the car. She froze hoping it wasn't coming for her. Maybe they finally stopped it. Hopefully, it was the officer in the driver seat getting his act together to lend a hand in the fight.21

No, he wasn't getting out. Something came in. She closed her eyes not wanting to see his death or her own. The cop fired his revolver six times yelling obscenities the whole time. His yells turned into a horrible wail.22

She shook violently as she felt drops of something wet hit her face. She took several deep breaths as she smelt the musty odor of whatever was attacking and the blood, she could smell the blood of the cop, as he was being ripped apart. She peeked out her eyes only to find a mostly empty driver's seat with a loose arm hanging limply over it towards her. She forced herself not to gag, but what little there was in her stomach started making its way up anyway.23

She closed her eyes tight to hold it back and held her breath as the smell was also making her sick. Something big hit her door. She started praying. It pounded on the door and she heard the window cracking. With the blast of the window, she passed out.

Author notes

username:tonialoise

This is the first part of a story I'm writing about werewolves, with a little suspense and horror but will be mostly romance.
ok, well the title gives away what the creature is, so much for suspense. If anyone can come up with a better title, I'm open to suggestions.

also my first attempt at something so bloody and gruesome. I doubt if the rest of the story will be this gross.

for contest: ? by snowprincess
favorite thing about christmas...I like the smell of pine but I don't get that anymore with fake trees. I guess the giddy feeling you get that morning when get up and actually look forward to a new day.

For contest; My little Gem by Yeshua
this story is my gem because (besides Leaving the Light which is too long for this contest ) it has my favorite characters to date and has brought me many friends.

for contest; Give and Recieve- OPTIONS!!!! by friesian
I read your story In Night's Grasp


for contest; Werewolves and Vampires with bite! by Renesmee Cullen
Tomato cookies fry up good

for contest; Contest Gimme gimme your best shot! (almost everything) by Aelphaba Atticus
option 7 werewolves.

for contest; Short contest with options by blood wolf
favorite animal = white tiger

for contest; Supernaturally Inclined by sberendt
ich liebe alles. bist du liebe deutsch?

In a list

A contest entry

So this was a bit different thing for me to write, please tell me how I might improve it.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 58 of 58
  • rustic
    October 2
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    I like the flow of your writing and the creativity


  • Hexen
    October 1

    Edit | Reply
    Wow
    I am in LOVE with this story and its only chapter 1 !!!!
    LOVE IT, am sooo going to read more after I finished contest!

    xox HEX xox

    Thanks for entering, and good luck


  • CactusJack silver member
    April 30

    Edit | Reply
    mostly romance? awww man and it was just getting good too.
    I really enjoyed this piece. Poor girl only wanted some tacos...
    Usually I comb over pieces to find something helpful be it a misplaced comma or a 'the' instead of 'they' but I honestly couldn't find anything!
    Fantastic intro and even though you say the rest will be pg-13ish I think I might have to give it a look. Good luck in your contests.

    Jack


    • tonialoise
      April 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. There's still some action and such in the rest of it, just not as intense as this part.

      I wouldn't have been surprised if you found a misplaced comma, I hate those things.


  • sberendt gold member
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting! You sure got the originality part down. I definitely haven't read anything that had that sort of situation in it. Nice job! I liked the progression and everything, also.

    *You receive "brownie points" for having something to do with werewolves in your story.

    *brownie*

    Thanks for entering my contest!

    • tonialoise
      April 27
      Edit | Reply
      Mmmm... brownies.

      Thanks, I wasn't sure if I should put this first part or a later part that shows the werewolf more. Some people don't realize it's a werewolf.

      • sberendt gold member
        April 27
        Edit | Reply
        I knew right away when she described his face and the way he looked at her. It was confirmed when he totally went bonkers on the guards and stuff.


  • Dr. Psycho silver member
    April 6
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    This was excellent, it was very thrilling. Can't wait for more!


  • Ghost of a Siren
    March 17

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    This was very suspenseful. I enjoyed it alot. Congrads for winning.


  • C.rimsonQ.uill
    March 15

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    Holy carp!!! This was EXCELLENT!!!!!!! U sed ur making this in2 a story? I GOTTA know more!!!!! It had me craving 4 me!!!!!! Consider urself a finalist!!!!!!!!!! Thanx soooooooo muxh 4 this SPECTACULAR read!!!!

    • tonialoise
      March 15
      Edit | Reply
      Yep, I have two more parts up (see the list above) I hope to get back to it soon. So much to write, so little time...

      Thank you so much for the enthusiastic comment. I appreciate it.


  • artaq gold member
    March 14

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    Creative!

    Ok first, I bet she wishes she didn't have such a craving for tacos. This was written beautifully! If it your first time with gruesome writting Dean Kooontz look out! I am defintetly going to keep reading!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • tonialoise
      March 14
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah! Thank you! Happy you like it! Hehe... too bad my ex isn't around to read that, Koontz is his favorite author.


  • Atticus Unanimous
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    Generally I don't read werewolf stories, but I decided to try them to see if I liked them. This one isn't bad, it's actually quite promising. You have a voice that really works well for this piece and I can see that you enjoy your subjects. There were very few errors and I liked this a lot.


  • Rose Hathaway
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    Wow This was really well done! Your writing style is fantastic! I really felt like I was the girl in the car and it kind of freaked me out a little. However what does this have to do with Vampires, Twilight or Werewovles? I liked it.

    --Nessie--


    • tonialoise
      February 14
      Edit | Reply
      In the second part (or is it the third? I forget) you find out he's a werewolf.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 13

    Edit | Reply
    I hate how many contests you've entered this in. But it's an awesome story. You like so better put the second part on or I'm going to cry!!!

    • tonialoise
      February 13
      Edit | Reply
      I only enter it in so many because I want people to read and enjoy it, I don't care about winning. It served its purpose, making you excited for more, so I have no quarrels and will remove it if you like. The second and third part are available (see the link for the list above) I haven't had time to write the fourth yet.

      Thank you for reading and commenting on it.


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    January 20

    Edit | Reply
    this one's pretty nice. is he actually a werewolf or just a shifter? what's his story? i can't wait to read more of this one.

    • tonialoise
      January 20
      Edit | Reply
      you mean I should have entered this one in your contest? Figured this one definitely was too hollywoodish. oh well

      Yeah he's a werewolf

      • ice wolf Greeters member
        January 20
        Edit | Reply
        well, it's a bit more hollywoodish than what the usual Native American myths and other myths I follow are, but it's closer than a lot of people come. and you don't have him looking generic or overly brutish. it's good. -_- and i forgot to give you clappys.


  • Bloody-Ink gold member
    January 5

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    holy hannah that was very suspensful! For never having written a story like this, you sure have a good imagination. I thought that it was very nice, even though there were a few small errors in spelling and grammar. good luck in the contest.


  • Dovina
    January 5

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    Holy schmoly... this was intense! I kind of figured that he was some kind of bad guy since there were so many cops waiting for them once they reached the station or whatever. But I never would have suspected a werewolf. I thought that he was really a monster, like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I really enjoyed this!

    Thanks for your entry!

    • tonialoise
      January 5
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      Thanks!

      Hehe... yeah I guess I could have been more original with the type of monster but the whole wolf thing comes into play later in the story.


  • Yeshua
    December 23, 2008

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    Very good...

    Usually I am not one for warewolf stories... but i liked this one Thank you for entering "My Little Gem" and making it a fun contest for everyone. Due to an inundation of contest entries I will not be able to give an extensive comment on every entry. Good luck in all of your writing endevors.

    God Bless,
    Yeshua


  • wolf-storm
    December 15, 2008

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    Wow it was well writen and I really enjoyed reading through it. Thanks for putting it in the contest and I really hope you continue it from here.


  • Melli
    December 14, 2008
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    :)))

    I've actually read this before, haha. How strange is that? So, I read half way through, just to make sure, and checked if I had commented before, I have. Go take a looksee! haha Though, it was still a reat story. if only she didn't have the craving for mexican food... poor girl. ahah. i love this story, finalist list! YAY! aha.


    KEEP WRITING!!!

    -Melli<33

    • tonialoise
      December 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oh silly me! I usually check to make sure the contest host hadn't commented on my stuff and therefore hadn't read it before. Had I done that I might have entered a different chapter. Hmmmm... that'll teach me to be in too much of a hurry. I guess no harm no foul if I'm in the finalist list! Yippeee!!! Thank you!


  • InksterMoxy
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    oooh

    that was awesome. I think you should touch up on her fear though. she seems to two dimensional. If the reader were able to know how scared she actually was during this. I think it would bring out the plot a little and round you character a bit more. But really good. I am impressed. I don';t care if they gave you honorable mention I give gold! In both contests. BUt then maybe I'm being bias...oh, well who cares. *gives away gold trophy* Again excelente!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • tonialoise
      December 13, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! *grabs trophy and runs*

      Seriously though, I guess I didn't show a lot of fear in her, though she's trying to hold it in, he did tell her not to scream. But I'll see what I can do with it.

      thanks for the comment and compliment


  • Host
    December 13, 2008
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    On paragraph 4 the way you discribed him , is interesting in a good way


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    December 8, 2008

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    I found your aptitude for portraying violence enlightening.

    Good morning Toni, you have a terrific imagination, an ability to describe action and sights, and make your characters visible.

    Being a rather coarse writer myself who is required to depict some gross scenes, I found your aptitude for portraying violence enlightening.

    The blood obscuring the view from the windows—Great idea. The torn off limb hanging over the back of the seat—whew . Some vile sights but grand ideas.

    Don’t take my comments wrong. You do require some editing. Since this is a first draft (it is isn’t it?). I’m hopeful that like me you are interested in opinions as well as corrections. If not follow my rule—use ‘em or lose ‘em .

    I think you can get away with some of the overuse of words like cops, when apparently in the young lady’s POV. Sometimes your narrator’s voice takes over and words like cop instead of police or officer sounds improper .

    Arrested felons are not taken directly to jail. They are booked and processed at the station.

    Some other things to look at;

    wouldn't bump in on the door frame (doorframe). It's not the first time she'd been in the back of a cop car and wouldn't be the last (wouldn’t be the last is surmising a fact that hasn’t happened. But this is written in the present so I would remove it.

    He tilted his head a little like a puppy dog. The corners of his mouth turned up must a little.? (I don’t understand must a little? Also the word little echoes—you could get away it in dialogue but not with the narrator.) (He titled his head like a dog—is much stronger. Just as in the paragraph above The sleeping grizzly bear next to her moved and a rumble came from somewhere within him.---sounds ominous without the---a little.)

    "Hi," he said with a quite (quiet) growl.

    They should have tazed him.The look he gave her and the ( missing way) he gritted his sharp teeth told her he did not intend to go peacefully.

    The (They) dragged him out of the car. Blood splattered across the driver's window and he jumped back a little. ( Blood splattered across the driver's window and he jerked back.).

    She took several deep breaths as she smelt the musty odor of whatever was attacking and the blood, she could smell the blood of the cop (,) as he was being ripped apart.

    Let’s see how many more chapters you have posted .

    Geri

    • tonialoise
      December 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Geri! Thank you so much for this! Yes it's more or less my first draft, I did go through and edit it but you know how it is, never find everything the first time and constantly going in and perfecting stuff. So your help is much appreciated.

      "Sometimes your narrator’s voice takes over and words like cop instead of police or officer sounds improper" Hmmm... never really considered this, I'll look at it and see what I can do.

      "Arrested felons are not taken directly to jail. They are booked and processed at the station." Darn and here I thought I was getting away with that little poetic license. Here I thought since they were in a smaller town I might be able to pass it off as they processed them there or something. Maybe I'll change it have it be they're transferring them.

      As for the rest I'll add them to my list of things to fix. Thanks so much for your help, comment and applause, Geri!


  • silverpen
    November 20, 2008

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    GOOD JOB

    I LIKED IT I WAS SCARED FOR THE GIRL IN THE COP CAR, AS I WAS READING IT I REALISED I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH... MAN I WAS DISAPOINTED THAT I DID NOT GET TO FIND OUT IF SHE LIVES OR DIES BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR ADDING MORE TO THE STORY. OVERALL GREAT JOB I THOUGHT!!

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.


  • Celestial Rose
    November 8, 2008

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    Great!! I can't wait until you get more done, this is amazing!! I could see her in the car, watching the guy, the cops...sooooooooo Good!!! Its the best I've read so far!!

    Fall

    • tonialoise
      November 8, 2008
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      Thanks and considering that you read the first chapter last, that tells me either you're good with incongruity or I did really well making them stand alone pieces.


  • poetry is soul
    November 4, 2008

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    holy crap. i have to read more of this. lol. i was eating ramen noodles while reading this, and lets say they now sit on the table beside me getting cold. but thats good. that means that your first attempt at something so gruesome was freaking amazing. very very good job!


    • tonialoise
      November 4, 2008
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      Thanks! Sorry about your dinner. I'm glad I left an impression though.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    November 1, 2008

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    This was great! I enjoyed reading this story of yours. I think the point of view you used was perfect for a story like this. I like how she stayed in the car, and was brave enough to not scream...like he said not too. It makes me think that there is a reason for that...like, cause he likes her and if she screamed then it would excite him animal side and he'd kill her. Very good descriptions as well. I loved the horror, and I am interesting in seeing how you take this story forward into a more romantic setting. Keep up the good work, and good luck in my contest!


    • tonialoise
      November 1, 2008
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      Thanks for your comment and applause! Yep, you've got it right on the nose!


  • lavanya
    October 29, 2008

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    first change your font colour other then your stuff is just awesome i don't like werefwolf but this story is exception


  • Olinda
    October 17, 2008
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    very good, suspenseful i liked it a lot
    good job


  • Melli
    October 12, 2008
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    really good! I liked it alot. Do you have more?

    KEEP.WRITNG.

    -Melli<33


    • tonialoise
      October 12, 2008
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      There are two other parts to Feral Nights on this site (so far), I'll be working on more later.


  • MoonRoseWolf gold member
    October 10, 2008

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    This was great! I'm also writing a werewolf novel at the moment, and it's nice to see someone else among the few of us who decide to write about them! This was really well written, and I felt like I was there.

    You had great descriptions, excellent timing, and suspense. I like how you have also managed to describe each of the characters, however different, really well.

    I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope you continue with it, this really is an excellent story!


  • Raeyle
    October 5, 2008

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    I think the point of view given here is worthy of being part of a screenplay. It is interesting how everything about the scene is described as someone who is such a vehicle and thus can not get an adequate view of the entire picture and relies on what little stimuli can get in to try to understand everything and make judgements. WOW. totally cool. I like also that part about how she held back her scream because of what he had told her. mmmmm.


    • tonialoise
      October 6, 2008
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      Great! That's exactly what I intended! Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • Kevan gold member
    September 27, 2008

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    Really good job. The imagery I got while reading this was amazing. Keep it up, and good luck in your contests.

    xoxoxo
    Kevan.


  • Wind Goddess
    September 21, 2008
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    Please continue. I would like to see what happens.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 21, 2008

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    Yeah, pretty graphic there, but that's a good way to start, I think. It will make a fine, but wide, contrast with the romance when you get to that part.
    And if you're hiding the fact that it's a werewolf ( omg I just got my fingers jumbled up and typed werefowl by mistake! man-eating chicken on the loose!), then yes, you'll want a different title. Maybe something about the romance part, like Dangerous Love, or, okay, not Love Bites because that's really cliche. Love Transformed. Primal Call (Howl would be too much of a giveaway). Primal Attraction. Hey, that's not too bad. Anyway, those are my ideas.
    I like the thudding of body parts into the car; very creepy and terrifying, and still keeps the creature's identity a mystery, since the girl's inside. Nice.

    • tonialoise
      September 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I have no idea how I missed your comment before. I just changed the name, but I kind of like your suggestion of Primal Call better. Thanks also for your feedback!


  • beutifullcloud
    September 12, 2008
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    OMG! yay another awesome story!


  • Dassy
    September 6, 2008
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    It wasn't as gross as it could have been, but you still did a good job with it. I would give you a title... but I can't come up with one right now... maybe later on in the story.
    I loved it. Keep writing~.~

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