Micaela O’Connor 2
To my friends who I couldn’t live without3
You are my sisters4
Wow that sucks”, Stacy said from the back seat. “Yeah I know but I am a new driver so my mom just wants me home early. It’s only 10 o’clock, it’s not like we have to be home at 7:00.” “Well, Haden it’s kind of 10:30”, Bethany said looking at the digital clock on the dashboard. “Oh *bunny*”, I said pressing down a little bit more on the accelerator. “Just tell your mom that the movie theater was having technical problems you don’t have to tell her we were kissing some totally hot guys”, Sara said laughing at her own remark. I can’t help but laugh because we had really stopped for ice-cream and they got our order wrong so Stacy was determined to make the waitress give us all new ice-cream sundaes and then not pay for them. I laugh so hard remembering what the waitress’s face looked like when she was getting yelled at by this little 85 pound girl with bleach blond hair and striking blue eyes. My sides start to hurt and my eyes start watering, she always has a way of doing that to me. Sara was laughing at how hard I was laughing in the back seat, her dark brown hair falling in front of her perfect face and Bethany next to me was just sitting there (she never saw how our jokes where funny). I was surprised at how dark it was and how little I could see with my eyes tearing up and partially close. I decided to pull over until this laughing fit subsided. I started to pull over but then all of a sudden something ran out of the woods that where on both sides of the car, I swerved to avoid it, I couldn’t risk a dent in my moms car on my first night as a non- junior operator I would get my license taken away. But I guess I got to close to the edge of the road where it dropped off down a hill because we were falling and once the car hit the railing the care went rolling into woods behind, crashing through the trees. I heard Stacy’s and Sara’s laughs turn into screams and I heard Bethany crying next to me and I felt her had wrapped tightly around my arm, it would of annoyed me if I wasn’t so scared. All of a sudden I felt a final lurch and we settled upside-down, I could feel the coppery taste of blood in my mouth, and ringing in my ears pierced with soft cried of someone in the back seat. I unbuckled my self and climbed toward the back I could see that the windows were broken, and I numbly noticed that Bethany was still holding on to my arm and I didn’t try to shake it off. Looking back I saw that Stacy’s eyes where closed but the crying was coming from her I took hold of her hand, brushing away a tear from her face before also taking Sara’s limp hand. The last thing I remember is seeing that there was still a laugh on her face and slowly closing my eyes to the word “I love you”.5
***6
Damn that was a bad dream, vivid to but I can still feel the pain in my leg, I wonder if it wasn’t a dream. If it wasn’t I must be dead. Am I dead? But if I am dead what is that under me? Can you feel when your dead? I slowly opened my eyes I noted that it’s hard to do so. I blink trying to get my vision striate enough to see. There are bright florescent lights above me in rectangular plastic boxes that are surrounded by white, I turn my head I see flowers on a table and generic paintings on the wall. On the other side my mother sleeping in a chair with a heart monitor and an I.V. drip that is connected to my wrist. I also spot door to what I guess is a bathroom or hallway. I just lay there looking out the window thinking how I got here – a hospital- my dream was real? What about Stacey, Bethany, and Sara shouldn’t they be here? Soon enough my mother wakes up I turn over and she’s looking at me, her eyes all puffy and red from crying, and she reaches over, careful of the I.V’s and holds me rocking me back a forth. I just let her hold me concentrating on the back and forth motion instead of the pain now shooting up my leg. Finely she lets go and looks at me I lay there quiet waiting for her to speak, but she’s taking to long so I say what we are both thinking. “What happened?” I whispered my voice cracking . My mother looked sad and about to start to cry again. After what seemed like days she told me, “you where in a car accident, you went off the road the man in the car behind you saw it happen and called 911”. I take a sharp rattling breath; it hurts. “What’s the matter with me” I ask looking away. “You broke your leg in two places, and have cut up your face and they are looking at ex-rays to see if there are any broken ribs”. “Ok” I said looking back at her. “What about Stacy, Sara and Bethany, they are all right, right, I didn’t-?” At that moment my mother looked away tears filling her eyes, and I know what had happened. They were dead; all of them and it was my fault. I started to cry I cried for my best friends and for all the pain they had to go through and for their families which are like my own. My mother was kneeling next to me her hand on my arm just like Bethany’s was and then suddenly I saw Sara’s laughing face in my head and so I shook her off, still crying and shaking. I couldn’t look anymore I closed my eyes and wished, I wished with all my heart that I was dead that I wasn’t the one laying in this bed with stupid I.V.’s in my arms and listening to the bleeping of the heart monitor – a heart which I was now stopped-. The test my mom talked about said I had a conation and a clean break on one of my ribs. My friends came to see me yesterday but I pretended to be asleep, they probably know what happened by now, how it’s my fault. They probably wish I was dead to, just not as much as I do7
Twelve days later they let me out, I had to wear a cast that covered my whole leg and that caused me to have to use a wheel-chair for the next 6 months and a few band-aids on my face. My dad wheeled me out of the hospital trying to keep on a happy face, but I wasn’t buying it. Tomorrow is Bethany’s, Sara’s and Stacy’s funeral, they are having all the funerals in that same service mostly for my benefit they think it will be easier on me. They asked me to speak I agreed, people had to know what happened and how they where such great people. I got up to say my words, forcing myself with every step an every word. “I’m not going to stand here and say that they where good people, I’m going to tell you the truth they where amazing people, the best I ever knew. All of them where there to see me through the good times and the bad and the times when situations weren’t funny to me but the laughed anyway and I will never forget that. I remember one time we where walking buy the huge lake near our neighborhood and Sara goes ‘when the hell did that get there’ and Sara wasn’t making a joke she was that inept at being observant.” I laughed then remembering how we all made fun of her for the next week. “They where my sisters and I love them and I love their families and I am just so sorry for what I did it is unforgivable and if I could I would take their place.” That was the most I would talk for the next three months. After that the service was quick, it was a blur hidden behind my tears, the burial was the same, they where all buried side by side together in death as they where in life and I had the strongest urge to jump in that hole with them but my father’s hand was on my shoulder as if he knew my thoughts and then it was over. Familiar people walked by and hugged me telling me how sorry they where and I just mumbled short responses, while I just wanted to scream ‘I killed them why are you telling me your sorry I killed them!’ but I couldn’t seem to find my voice. Then it happened what I been dreading since I found out what I had done. I had to face them, their parents the parents that had been like family to me since I was born, the people whose babies I killed. All of there eyes looked red and puffy and I realized mine must look the same, then Bethany’s mom hugged me and we cried, we just stood there over her 17 year old daughter’s body and cried. Then she let go and held my face like she had so many times “you looked after my baby the best you could don’t blame yourself, I love you” and she kissed me on the head and went back to her husband. The interaction with the rest of the families was quite the same, crying, love, and telling me not to blame myself. Not like that was going to stop me. 8
After hearing my speech at the service my parents made me go to a shrink. The first time I skipped but my parents found out and now they come with me. The sessions go kind of like this:9
Dr. I don’t care: so how are you?10
Me: how do you think?11
Dr. i.d.c: I think you blame your self.12
Me
mumbled) no *bunny* Sherlock.13Dr. i.d.c: do you drive anymore?14
Me: nope15
Dr. i.d.c: do you have a boyfriend?16
Me: nope17
Dr i.d.c: why not?18
Me: don’t deserve one19
Dr. i.d.c: how do you think that20
Me: I killed my friends21
Dr. i.d.c: how?22
Me: you know how23
I don’t talk much to people in my school anymore I really just don’t talk. People used to try to talk to me but conversations never got anywhere so they gave up. I am still in my wheel chair and people try to help, but I always say not. Peole seem more interested in me than before they ask me to hang out or even worse ask me out – I can’t do that, I can’t be happy when they didn’t have the chance - I hate it.24
March25
*26
April27
*28
May29
Crutches SUCK, even more than the wheel chair. I can hardly walk without two inches of plaster incasing my foot but now I have to walk with plaster and crutches. It’s hard to get my stuff out of my locker, and I was already late, and of course my books fell out. “Oh *bunny*”. I mumbled. “You need some help?” someone said quietly behind me already I could see a hand reaching out for a book “No!” I said angrily trying to bend down to pick up my books “Why won’t every one just leave me alone!” I looked up when I said this trying to look as angry as I could when all I could feel was empty. He was smiling; he had caramel colored hair that flopped perfectly in front of his face and deep blue eyes. He looked up from picking up the last of my books and smiled, that just made me angry. How could there be this beautiful boy who can be happy and smile when I just want to die. “Oh ok”, he said and dropped my books, his smile fading. “Just let me know if you change your mind.” And he turned and started to walk away. I couldn’t stand up anymore so I let myself slide down the locker and I started to cry, the boy turned around at the noise, his eyebrows coming together in a line. He slowly walked back; he probably thought I was mentally ill (maybe I was now that I think about it). He pushed aside my books with his foot and sat next to me, I didn’t care I just cried harder. “Umm I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He put his arm around me and lightly made me let go of my crutches I just cried into his shirt and he stroked my hair, whispering things about it being ok. I’m just sitting there soaking and probably ruining his shirt, but he doesn’t care. Finally I stopped with a few rattling breaths, and the beautiful boy let me pick up my head, but he still hold me there my face in his soft hands. “My name is Tyler” the beautiful boy said. I could only let out a hiccup, and look at him. He didn’t seem to care he just stacked up my books with and picks me up with one hand around my waist keeping me up and the others carrying my books with the other. I didn’t know where he was taking me, and I really didn’t care we just walk, walked right out the doors of the school. When we are in the parking lot I look up and he looks down at me and he says like he knows what I’m thinking; “you cried right through the last block, Haden,- they told me your name- people came out to check on you, it told them I had it under control and I would take you home.” “I don’t want to go home.” I said quietly looking at him with pleading eyes. “That’s fine, we can go anywhere you want”, he said helping me into his car. I know I should be a little worried about going somewhere with a guy who I don’t even know, but I’m not, and I really wouldn’t care if I thought I was in danger, maybe I wanted to be because then maybe this all would just end. He got into the drivers side and put the key in the ignition but didn’t turn it, he just handed me his cell phone, “you should call your parents, they will want to know where you are”, “oh, yeah I probably should”, I said taking the phone and dialing the number and pressing the green button, “hello?” my mom says after a few rings “hi mom” I say “oh hi Haden, what’s going on?” she asked sounding a little worried “ I’m just going to hang out with a friend for a while I wont be out late” I said trying to sound excited “Oh that’s great honey! And don’t worry about being home early, its Friday” she said, I guess my fake enthusiasm worked because we said our goodbyes and she hung up without any questions. I handed Tyler back his phone. I looked away and rested my head against the window, a few more tears spilling out. We still weren’t moving I looked over to see what he was doing, and he was just looking at me his eyes soft and lips in a frown. “What?” I said my eyes locking on his. He didn’t say anything he just looked away, turned on the car and started driving. I looked down not knowing what else to do. “Do you like music?” Tyler asked his hand reaching out to the stereo. “No” I whispered and his hand dropped just to lace his fingers with mine. I took my hand back, looking away. A frown flashed across his lips, “do you always act so warmly to boys who try to help you”. His voice was thick with jokish sarcasm, but I answered anyway I was sorry but I just couldn’t do that I hardly deserved friends after what I did and I especially didn’t deserve to get close to someone in that way, I deserved to die, to be in the ground alone and my friends walking the earth. But that wasn’t going to happen I was going to stay here and be dead on the inside. When I looked outside the car had stopped in front or the park about a mile away from the school and I look over and Tyler is gone, and then my door opens and Tyler is putting his arm around my waist and helping me out of the car. We walked through the trees in the park for a bit until he sat me against a tree, and he sat next to me. “Can I ask something?” he asked his eyes staring into mine. “Sure” I said looking over his shoulder. “Why did nobody look surprised to see you crying?” he asked genuinely curious and concerned. “Oh, that” I said. “Umm ok well umm”, tears are filling my eyes now. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to” he said picking up my hand and held it in-between his. I look up and he is just staring at my hand in his. I take it out remembering again what I have done, and again Tyler looked sad. “I have to go” I say trying to push my self unsuccessfully to my feet. He looked up looking surprised at my decision. “Oh umm let me help you.” He said getting to his feet and offering his hand. “No I’m fine” I say now on my feet. “You don’t have your crutches, how are you going to get home?” he said “I can walk, I’m fine just go away” I say trying my best to walk in the opposite direction of his car. “Please Haden, just let me walk you home” he said reaching for my arm, but I just shrug it off. I’m just so mad at myself for letting something good happen to me, after what I did, I should just go die. “No Tyler I said go away!” and I just walked off, he didn’t come after me I didn’t even hear him move and I didn’t look back. Then I remembered this time that the girls and I where watching a movie, I remember that the girl walked away from the guy after a small fight and Sara said ‘what a little *bunny* it’s not his fault’ and we all laughed, Sara had a way of telling it like it was. And then I noticed I was running, or what ever I could do with this stupid cast, and I fell crying. I can’t believe what I did, I killed them, why was I the one to be so easy to laugh, why didn’t I die with them? Why can’t I die now? Why can’t I just make it happen? Then it occurs to me, I can, I look up and there is the small lake that sits in the middle of the park. It still has ice on it, it looks like just enough to get to center and break and fall through. It takes a couple tries but I get up and still crying, trek to the ice. When at the edge I test the ice, it seems sturdy enough to walk on but easy enough to break. I walk toward the center, dragging my cased leg through the slush on top of the ice. When I reach the center I slam my foot that is in the cast into the ice, it broke easily and soon was big enough to fit through, I moved closer to the whole. “I’m so sorry” I said looking up to the sky a tear sliding down my raw face, and I jump in. I take a sharp breath from the pain; cold water rushed into my lungs and fills them with knives. Damn it’s cold and I’m soon under the ice, its dark and I can feel weeds touching my hands. I’m spluttering and kicking, it feels like I’m being stabbed all over and then I hear a splash, and there’s something is pulling at me I try to kick at it but then I go limp. When I wake up I’m on the ice and I’m freezing and Tyler is over me his hot breath on my face. “*bunny*” I cough. “What where you doing, you crazy little girl” Tyler said in a raspy voice. “Trying to die” I say, my throat stinging as I say it. “Why in the world would you try that!” he said actually picking me up in his arms now. “I killed my friends” I said a little more than a whisper. I put my head in his chest and started to cry which hurt my lungs even more. “Oh” he says and drops down to his knees and places me on the ground I just laid there and he sat next to me and pulled me up onto his lap, it felt comforting, comforting enough to stop crying. “You can tell me if you want to.” He said pressing his wet cheek on my soaked hair. “Ok well umm” a knot formed in my chest I looked into his blue eyes and it helped loosen it. I started again “I was driving and…” I told him it all and every time the knot tightened I looked into those eyes and he would nod and the knot loosened. When I was done I closed my eyes and started to cry, it was the first time I told someone. He just held me and told me it wasn’t my fault and they are in a better place. I had heard these things a million times but coming from him it was different, it’s like they where true. I just kept crying though, it was better that way, and while I cried I thought, I thought I heard Bethany’s, Sara’s and Stacy’s voice in my head. They where laughing at me telling me how stupid I was. How I would have never pulled off killing myself even if Tyler wasn’t there, and Bethany said how hot he was and how I should go for him. And then they told me how it wasn’t my fault and how they where proud to be my friend and proud how I held their hands in their last moments, they told me to tell their parents and siblings how much they love them, and then they told me they loved me and to let go. There where no more voices after that except Tyler’s that was still whispering in my ear. “Tyler?” I say holding him closer, and him responding with pulling me into a sitting position on his lap. “Yeah” he says his voice softly blowing in my ear. “Thank you” I whispered into his ear and put my hand on the side of his face and pressed my cold lips agents his, it took him a moment to register then went along with it. After a moment we broke appart, “no problem” he whispered and held me into his chest. 30
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