The drone of the ocean's waves brushing the shore woke me. My head felt thick and fuzzy, like my thoughts were swimming in molasses. Thinking was almost beyond me at the moment. When I rose to my feet my head swam, shortly disorienting me and I staggered forward. 1
I barely registered my foot falls on the sandy beach. I was indifferent to the slight tickling sensations of each grain of sand as it slithered between my toes, coating the bottoms of my feet. The sand burned with each step, the ground still warm from the sun's rays, even though it was midnight. It was like the sand had soaked up the sun itself and was out for revenge against my bare feet. 2
The only thing keeping me from gaining a head ache was the salty air, heavy and cool on my bare arms and legs. I sighed contentedly and inhaled openly. There was a touch of something sweet, and metallic in the mix; something that didn't belong. 3
Blood.4
The night was silent, almost deafening on the ears. The only thing able to break that silence was the steady crunch of my steps and the ringing in my ears. I made my way towards the body that lay in a crumpled and lifeless heap upon the sand just in front of me; not moving. 5
“Who ever they are, they're dead. Must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Only someone up to no good would be out here at this time of night. Midnight, when the weirdoes come out to play. Well then...why am I out here? Where is here?” I asked my self as the beginnings of a migraine began to make itself know. 6
The unanswerable questions shocked me and I faltered. I seemed lacking in enough mental capabilities to remember what occurred before I woke on this beach. It was like my memory had been wiped clean. As if there was nothing there, a big blank. My eyes were instantly drawn to the figure lying in wait in front of me, which was barely discernible from the immensity of the surrounding darkness. 7
I decided I could start my search for answers with discovering the identity of the person lying in front of me. 8
Taking a steadying breath I set off again, slowly approaching the body. Glancing down I could make out the imprint of three sets of foot prints in the sand. Two sets led from the edge of the forest line directly to the body, both large in size. One was obviously a humans' for they could be only that. The other...a wolf's paw! 9
I was not sure how I knew that the set belonged to a wolf, but the confidence I felt in my answer did not do all that much to settle my jarred nerves. To close to quit, I kept walking. I followed the third set with my eyes as they led away from the body, till they disappeared from view. This set was also a humans' foot print. Compared to the first set, they were a significantly smaller set in size. Unmistakably this set was female, and the first must belong to the man. 10
“A female? If so then where did she go?” I pondered aloud, “More importantly is she coming back?”11
Instant alarm shot through me as the thought dawned on me. The killer escaped! Who ever it is, they are still out there; out here! I tried my best to calm myself. I should not panic or it would be the end of me. 12
Like him!13
I gradually reached the body after taking my time to cautiously scan the tree line for any signs of a threat. I found none that were obviously visible, but I doubted the killer was around. After all, what kind of murderer lounges around the scene of their crime? An atrocious one at that. 14
The surrounding trees rustled and groaned as the wind pushed them to and fro, eerily making the trees seem alive. The wind blew the body's scent my way and I cringed, trying unsuccessfully to keep from gagging. It reeked of decay, that metallic scent that could only be blood and something that triggered my senses. Something extremely familiar; Jake’s scent. 15
I studied the body, calculating the safest way to keep myself from touching the gore. The body faced away from me blocking my view of his face since he was on his stomach. 16
Anyone could tell this guy was tall when he stood up straight. I could also tell he frequently visited the gym when I placed my hands on his broad shoulders. My fingers curled over his muscled arm, his flesh caving in slightly under my touch, as I heaved to turn him over. The body hit the ground with a sickening splat and instantly the smell worsened. The sour smell of rot and blood irritated my nose as I tried not to breath. 17
I clutched one hand to my chest as my chest felt like a stake had been driven through it. 18
Oh my gosh! Jake? 19
I glanced around quickly to make sure no one was sneaking up behind me before running my hands over his bruised and battered face. Deep jagged cuts shown on his cheeks, almost making him unrecognizable. Claw marks marred his once handsome features, as well as the rest of his body that was visible. 20
"Who could have done this to you?" I whispered aloud to myself. The sound river-bating off sand and back to my ears loud as a horn. 21
Tears stained my cheeks as his image burned into my memory. The blood The claw marks. The anguish that would permanently keep his features arranged in a silent scream. Hesitantly I reached out to touch my fingers to his neck, checking for a pulse which I knew I wouldn't find. 22
Numb, I sat back on my haunches and stared at his body. The faint pitter-pattering of tear drops drew my attention. I gazed down half heartily at his now damp hand and picked it up with my own to hold. Something flashed a brilliant white as it caught the moon's rays. I pried open his hand catching the gold chain and charm that fell into my waiting, open palm. Holding it up to see it better, I couldn't help but be awed by how pretty it was. Gold with ruby stones inset in between each letter. It read.....Elena. 23
In horror, I dropped the piece of jewelry, clutching my hand over my mouth in a silent scream of terror. I began to shudder uncontrollably as my mind pieced each detail together, suddenly able to comprehend what I was seeing. 24
“ I didn't -- I wouldn't have! There must be some sort of mistake. I couldn't have done this to Jake! No, no it wasn't me!” I said hysterically between sobs. 25
I gagged. I could taste him; his blood. That sweet, metallic-y smell was over powering. Terrified I withdrew my hand from my face gazing at them in horror. My blood stained hands shook as I noticed they were red. The edges of my nails were broken, and the nail beds caked with dirt and dried blood. 26
Jake's blood!27
The taste of blood in my mouth was sickening now, since it was Jake's! A queasy feeling over took me, and it was all I could do to climb to my feet and stumble over to the ocean's edge. I collapsed on my knees, feeling the soft sand give way. I was suddenly too weak to move but I made myself plunge my hands into the water. The chilly temperatures of the murky water gave me little discomfort as my mind’s sole priority was to remove the blood. I scrubbed until my hands were pink and all evidence of Jake was gone. Only then did I take the time to notice my reflection in the still water, trapped by surrounding rocks of the tide pool. 28
Seeing my reflection left me in denial. I knew it was me but I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to have to accept that it was Elena under all that grim and filth. My hair looked wind blown, and I grimaced at the tiny twigs and leaves stuck within the messy waves. My eyes were blood shot and wild, constantly scanning the surroundings. Then my gaze dropped to my mouth and I groaned. My canines were visible in the dark. The once pearly whites almost covered solid in flecks of blood that was stuck between my teeth. 29
I cupped water in my hands and brought it to my mouth, taking a deep drag to swish the taste from my pallet. I spit it out since it was sea water, now only to aware of the absence of life on this beach. Drawing my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs tightly, I began to rock back and forth. My conscience slowly began to eat away at me. I made an effort to keep my eyes from straying back to Jake's body, though it did little to solve my heavy heart. 30
“What do I do? What can I do?” I asked myself aloud, “I didn't do that to him. It wasn't me. I didn't kill him!”31
Some where in the far corners of my consciousness a dark though crushed all hope. “Oh, but I did. He is good and dead, and it's my entire fault.”32
“No!” I nearly screamed, horrified at the thought.33
My consciousness continued to taunt me. “I can’t deny it. The blood under my nails and between my teeth belonged to Jake. When the police discover his body they will surely arrest me. I deserve it. I’m a monster!”34
“No,” I whispered back peddling farther away from Jake’s body, “It was an accident, it must have been.”35
My heart sank as I realized it wouldn’t matter whether it was an accident or not…not if I was the only survivor and with Jake dead. Plus, I wasn’t so sure it was a complete accident. I needed to remember what happened and fast. 36
Author notes
This short story will be one part of a Paranormal Series that I am working on; mainly focusing on shifters (Werewolves, were-tiger, Sun Dragon, etc).
Here is a brief synopsis of this chapter:
Elena wakes up on a beach with a companion. It sounds like these two had a little too much fun the night before and collapsed after their alcohol level skyrocketed, but then there wouldn't be a need for a story would there? Her companion, Jake, was dead. His body showed signs of being torn apart by some savage animal. Elena discovers evidence pointing to her as the killer, and she sets off in search of ways to prove his death was an accident. If only she could gain access to her memories of that night, she could put an end to her search. She doesn't get far, when a group of scientists snatch her up and steal her off to their labs. What she finds inside that underground complex will change the way she sees the world forever. While there she also discovers the truth to her growing 'lust for meat' -raw meat- and that maybe Jake's death wasn't an accident at all. Can she solve Jake's murder and escape the facility in one piece, or will Elena cave under the demands of her 'special predicament'?
- Supernatural group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Going for Gold! by Neolittlefish.
150 points, ended October 21, 2008, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Topics! by CaesuralRoseCen.
270 points, ended November 2, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Qualifying Round -The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
300 points, ended November 28, 2008, 59 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by donuts-and-music.
225 points, ended November 16, 2008, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twisted Child- Twisted Vampire more like it. by Michis-Heart.
100 points, ended December 27, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination by MidniteRockers.
370 points, ended December 17, 2008, 73 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Show off your talent X3 by ChottoLove83109.
600 points, ended January 16, 2009, 100 entries
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350 points, ended February 25, 2009, 66 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - FANTASY-VAMPIRES!!!WEREWOLVES!!!ANYTHING by AshRose.
120 points, ended March 7, 2009, 36 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prologues and chapter ones... by Meeko.
125 points, ended May 27, 2009, 84 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think so far?
Comments
1 - 69 of 69
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I must say this is a pretty intence prologue. I'm liking it a lot so far.
Thanks for entering this into my contest. -
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Thank you for commenting! I'm glad you liked my story. Good luck with your contest.
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oh wow. im an idiot i read the second capter first. lol XD
this is really good. i like this story alot and im not one for first person.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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XD That is okay; it just so happens that a few others have started reading my story from a different chapter than the first as well. I'm glad that you liked it. Oh, and nice default picture.
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thnx. i had myself there first, but i have to ask ym mom if it is pokay first so i took it off and put my charlie's annoying friend. 'guys, i dont think there is such thing as candy mountian.'charlie// 'suurreeee' 'shun the non-believer' 'sshhhhuuuunnnn'.
i have no life. XP lol -
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LOL My sister has basically memorized the entire candy mountain clip. Who ever came up with that has quite the imagination! XD
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wow! amazing descriptions, i love the way you write.
loisx -
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Thank you for reading and commenting, again
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JKJKJKJK
i love it! period! no changes. if you do.. i will hurt u! jkjkjkjk. seriously. jk, lol -
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XD Thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad to see that you liked my story.
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The three asterisks really do break the otherwise nice flow of it all. I would consider possibly putting it in just italics. Also, you seemed to get 'to' and 'too' mixed up often. One last criticism is the relation to the characters. Jake was just introduced. I don't know a whole lot about him, so I didn't really care about him dying, yet. Now the good parts, and there were many: the descriptions were quite vivid, not too detailed, but it gives enough to the reader; the plot so far; the interesting premise; and what looks to be a protagonist who will shape up nicely. Overall, nice work.
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see, now this makes things a bit more understandable! lmao. this was really good, the imagery was awesome. and i cant believe the dream... at first i was thinking it was real and that the other chapters must be her looking into the past before she killed him. but i sighed with relief when i found out it was a dream. lol. now i am off to read the other chapters once more so i can fully understand them.
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Hahas thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad that you liked my story. I was going to remind you later tonight to start from the beginning but you beat me to it! XD
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Hi! I read through your story and I have a few suggestions which I hope might be of help to you.
I notice in your ANs that you mention the three asterisks signify thoughts... Personally, this put me off, because it looked odd in with the rest of the narative - I thought you'd done a fine job of explaining that those parts were thoughts just by putting them in italics.
The story itelf is very imaginative - I like the first person narrative, and I didn't expect the narrator to BE the werewolf- nice touch!
Perhaps the point that occurred to me most as I read this is about you characters. I understand that you want an emotional impact here, but I don't feel as though I know enough about Jake to really feel anything about his death or the crcumstances of it. This could be fixed, perhaps by adding a flashback when your narrator finds the body (this is only a suggestion of course).
Other than this,I found a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, but they're the kind of thing you'll more than likely pick up yourself as you edit,and since they didn' really detract from the story, I won't point them all out now.
I'm really glad I found this!
-Toxic. -
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I see what you mean, the asterisks are a little distracting to myself as well. I wouldn't have used them, except everyone kept getting confused over the insertion of thoughts; even though they were in italics.
I'm glad that you liked the little twist with the narrator being the werewolf. I did want a emotional impact, but this was only a dream. So everything that happens in the first chapter ...doesn't really happen. lol Having nightmarish dreams is more of a side effect of the main character going through the werewolf puberty/first change. So I didn't want to give any background information about Jake since if I did, to me it would seem as if she was truly narrating the story...instead of the nightmare being out of her control. I hope I'm making sense, its like midnight over here so if everything comes out like Confucius.. sorry. lol
I hope that helps a little, but I appreciate the questions. Again, thank you for reading and commenting.
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Swoosh, I really like it. Usually if I can't detect a bit of romance in the first few lines, I don't read it, but I'm glad I did.
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Amazing...I like this very much. This is really intense. I personally like the ***star idea. Great writing!
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Thank you for reading all the way through my story. The *** idea had to be made because everyone was getting confused by the actual story and the thoughts, but I'm glad you think its a good idea. XD
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Exquisite writing. Very well done.
My only problem is that those three star thoughts seem a bit ... jarring. I imagine that one would get used to them though.
Otherwise it´s pretty hard to see faults in this. I think all that applause and happy comments have you convinced already, but ... you should definitely keep on writing.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lol No worries, I do plan to keep writing. I am just short on time lately due to college, but once I have free time I'll put my imagination to use! Thank you for reading and commenting.
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Man I thought I had kick ass dreams. This was well written and you are on your way to become a great writer. Contune on my frend can wait for more.
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Awe, you flatter me with your words. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment my chapter. I'm glad that you liked it. Werewolves seem to be my subject of fascination at the moment. lol
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terrific opening!
really the type of writing that pulls the reader into the book, glued to it for days on end.
love it!
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XD Thank you! It pleases me that you like it.
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I liked the separation of the thoughts from the running narrative, that was creative and helped keep the two easy to read. Well done!
I've been working on my own werewolf series, but its more about humor than dark..ish...ness....
Anyway!
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Thank you! My series is going to be a mix of horror, romance, fantasy, and of course werewolves werewolves werewolves!!! So the first chapter is a bit different than the rest of the story in some ways. XD If you have any of your werewolve series written or submitted on story-write, I would love to take a look at them.
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that was wicked. I love her trains of thought. The way she reasons with herself and discovers that she killed him. And when her conscious starts to blame her it was really climactic. Your writing style is amazing and strong. Your character was really living and her personality shined through and completely grabbed me. I'm totally looking forward to more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Yay, I am so glad that you liked my story and characters. My writing style is in its developing stages, but your words flatter me. Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate it.
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Very well written. the ending made me smile. Intriguing and skillfully written. I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the rest. Great write. Very skillful! ~WanderingGypsy~
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Why thank you for the kind comment! I'm glad that you liked it, and hope you progress on to the next chapter. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
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Very well written, you have definately dragged me in for more! This used so much imagery and flowed so well.....and I couldn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes either, so that makes it all the better
And I liked how the ending made me smile, little bit of humour thrown in there! This is a great chapter and I can't wait to read the others, well done!
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Thank you for your kinds words, as well as putting forth the time to read and comment on my story. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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I really like this; it's intriguing and skillfully written. You held my interest for the entire time Also, I love the ending
VEry amusing xD Thnaks for wentering, and good luck int he contest!
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Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad that you liked it.
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This story is fantastic! Elena is so realistic, Jake's death is so sad. I hope that there is more to come, because this story is absolutely spectacular, and I want to read more! Oh my gosh! You rock!
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XD Thank you for reading and commenting on my chapter! I'm glad that you liked it. It always makes me happy to see a reader eager for more of my writings.
**Actually, everything that happened in this chapter was a dream. At the end she woke up, but hopefully you will read more to find out what really happens. lol
And yes, there is more of the story already written. I have written chapters 1 - 4 and I am working on number 5 as we speak.
To make things easier for you, so you can find the next chapter, if you decide to continue...here is the link for chapter two.
http://storywrite.com/story/212150
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Great start! I was taken in by the words. I enjoyed your tale, its very well done. Bravo, and keep writing!
Novel, eh? I write novels myself, but so far I have only half-done stories. best of luck in all you write!
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hahas Yes, I plan on making this a novel, if my determination lasts that long. lol Also Thank you! Good luck with all your stories and any you write in the future! You can do it!
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Bravo
This is a well written chapter, and I'll defently read on when i'm not so tired!!
I really like your descriptiveness (if thats even a word) and I really empathised for her when she was trying to figure out what had happened and was almost arguing with herself over the situation.
Great Ideas!!!
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lols Okays, that would be awesome. Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I appreciate it. I'm glad that you liked it!
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Wow
That's a pretty messed up dream! lol
This was a great opening. You showed a relationship, some inner turmoil and opened it up for what should be an exciting novel.
A few nitpicks-
prg. 8- I know what you're saying here but for some reason it doesn't flow well to me. I had to read it a few times. Could just be me
prg. 10- 'its' should be 'it's'. Like I said nitpicks
prg. 29 - Not sure if you meant grime or if you really wanted to say grim. Either way works but I think grime flows better.
prg. 36 - 'your' should be 'you're'.
I know it seems like I'm being harsh but this was really good and I would hate to just sing your praise w/o helping the story along in some way.
not my particular genre but something the wife might like, I'll pass it along
Good luck in the contests, I look forward to reading more.
Jack
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Haha, I understand completely. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate you kind words, as well as the little nitpicks! I'm glad that you caught those, because of my limited time limit to edit the story, I would have never caught them. Thanks again!
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Wowie this was gooood!! I am absolutely blown away by your writing. There were beautiful descriptions, suspense, vivid characters, mystery, and a heck of a storyline going on in this and I really, really liked it! It flowed so well, and was so… AMAZING I don’t get carried away like this often, but this is something to get excited about!! I LOVED it. I mean, WOW. Rarely, I mean very rarely, do I see/read something so absolutely perfect and wonderful such as this. There are only a handful of stories on this site I’ve read that can get such a reaction from me. And this is one of them. I’m so glad I came across this and for sure I’m going to read the rest asap.
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Thank you for taking the time to read my chapter and comment. I really appreciate it! You flatter me with your words lol.I am so happy that you like my story so far! The other chapters are a little less intense as this one, but that is becuase dialogue comes into play. Though, I hope you can find time to take a look at those as well if you want. Again, thank you!
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I judge this story to be...FANTASTIC!!!!
I'm a twilight fan so duh, sucka for wolves and vamps. I think this is Stephenie Meyer level and i've only said that to one other person in my intire life so its big coming from me!!!
The conflict between diffrent parts of her self was a good idea. Random voices in the head keeps me intreasted. Its like a debate going on in your brain(free to use that disscription).
If i saw this in a book shop the first thing i'd say is..."didn't i see this on the web??", next thing "i'm buing this."
Just one or two things only a person with no life like me could spot. Why on a beach??? Was it random or symbolistic(not a real word)??? What did the blood taste like, i know it was sweet, but how??? Did it make her wwant more, did it taste bitter when she found out she'd spilled it???
Only a writer-geek like me would ask these things.
Disscription was perfectt. I had no troubel seeing the scene in my head.
Good impact when she found out, realy kept me reading.
I laughed-on the inside-at the end. Classic end that i love(i mean the list stuff, goes over a important thing then half way through next sentence realises).
if the was on a scale of 1 to 10 i'd say...99(i never give a hundred unless its pure fantasy,butthis is still amazing from me)!!!!!
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Wow! thank you! I'm rarely at a loss for words, but you have brought me there with your comment! lol Your words mean a lot to me, and I greatly apreciate you taking the time to read my story. I wish I was at Stephenie Meyer's level....shes AWESOME! I'm a twilight fan too.
As for your questions:
The beach...I'm not sure just yet if I want that to mean anything, or if it was just random, but at the moment you can assume it was random.
The blood...I will have to add that to the story. She is going to think it tastes good in a sickening way, because it is her friend's in front of her.
Thank you for all your kind words, I hope you read the other chapters if you feel like it some day! and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!
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It was great.
I love the fact it had werewolfs in it.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lols Thanks you for reading and commenting! I love a good werewolf story as well.
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Deep, emotional and original. You really got into the story as you were reading and it wasn't to graphic and gory, just how I like a story to be!
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hahas, thanks, I guess I did something right then! lol Thanks again for reading and commenting! It pleases me that you liked it. I'm trying to add a bit of horror, romance, fantasy, fiction, and werewolves all together. This first chapter was more of a horror chap, but the ones after are a bit of everything. lol
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Such deep strong descriptions, and emotions through out the whole story. It was dark and twisted with out the over pulsive feeling that you get with most horror like stories. The story's plot was not expected with the way they story started which was amazing. A wonderful story diffently on I would by at a book store after even just reading the first chapter. Maybe even the first line. Great Job!
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story! I find it is interesting to see what some one will say about your work! lol I appreciate it! This was actually my first serious attempt at writing, but I think I have found my calling! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!
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OMG!!!!!!!!! XD
Wow! The descriptions were so vivid, so realistic, I could actually smell the blood and hear everything, feel the beach, the horror she must have went through! The idea is just awesome!
The part where she's wondering who killed him and then realized it was her was extraordinary! And the end- what a cliffhanger! It was humorous and captivating! I LOVE it! Were-wolves and the paranormal always interest me, but this was strikingly beautiful and engrossing! Each sentence seemed to flare on its own, flare with an otherworldly beauty and gorgeousness. Excellent job! I shall read more soon!
-Lissy
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LOls, thank you for taking the time to drop by and read this chapter as well as comment. And I would love if you decided to take a look at the other chapters! You flatter me with your kind words. I am just now taking my writing seriously and I am glad that you enjoyed it!
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awesom pic!
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Good!
Now, you've done a wonderful job, and I really enjoyed reading this. However, I'd like to point out a few things to you.
Your first sentence successfully pulls your reader in, but the transition from the first to second paragraph is very blurred. It took me a couple reads to realize that your character had stood and was walking along the beach. Perhaps a more clarifying sentence at the end of the first paragraph would make this change easier to understand.
Secondly, I'm under the impression that it's nighttime when your story first starts. Being so, the sand at night will be much cooler than the sand in the daytime, especially closer to midnight, which I assume is the time since you refer repeatedly to a deep darkness.
In paragraph 8, your tenses are slightly confused, which is an extremely simple mistake that I've made a few times. You say that Elena would find her answers if she knows who he is, but this is confusing, because you're using both the past and present tense. Saying that Elena could find her answers if she knew who he was would fit much better.
The last sentence in paragraph 11 is odd, because you say that the second set of footprints was unmistakably female and that the first set was "belonging to the man", when saying that the first set "belonged to a man" would be easier to understand.
I believe that those were the only serious mistakes I found. Besides a few mis-spelled word and a tiny lack of necessary detail (like the time of day when Elena wakes up or the sight of the beach at night) you did an amazingly wonderful job! I enjoyed it very much!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you for the wonderfully thorough comment! It is always great to have someone critique everything, and tell you where you did wrong. lol Okay, I will re-read the first paragraphs and see if I can fix the transition between them.
As for the heat from the sand and it being night time, you are correct there. I was trying to describe it in a way that the heat was soaked into the sand since hours before the sun had went down and it was still hot, but you are right. I will make the necessary changes as soon as I find time!
Paragraph 8, a few others have pointed that out to me as well. I made a attempt to fix a few errors once already, but I was in such a hurry that I forgot that one completely. Thank you for reminding me! and Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter and comment it! Your words are very much appreciated!
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an amazing start! You definetley haveca way with imagery and descriptions, and the literary devices u use (such as similies) are effectively placed and set the scene beautifully. I could really relate and feel like the main character! You described it so wonderfully and I could really sympathize with elena. There was soooooo much suspense in this short chapter. That def got me hooked. Overall it was just wonderful. I love the whole werewolf cocept, but hope u don't add vampires, because that whole idea has been way overdone since twilight (which I hate cuz vampires are pretty interesting!) I will check out chapter 2 soon!
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Thank you very much for commenting on my chapter! I appreciate it! lol I am extremely happy that you liked my story, because its been driving me crazy for the past few months. Some say Chapter one seemed more of a prologue but Oh well. Yes, I agree with you about the vampires, that they are over used some what. I am still unsure whether I will add any or not. lol
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The setting was brilliant, the sea at night is such a powerful image. It gives what the character can smell and hear as well as see. Stunning.
The short lines as they panic is a nice effect.
'One was obviously the males for they could be only that.' I think this sentence should be either One could only be the males or One was obviously the males, both together is a bit redundant.
Love this and am going to look for more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Awesome!
Thank you for commenting! I appreciate it very much so! I will make the necessary changes, because I do believe that certain part would sound better like you suggested. Also I will be adding the second chapter very shortly!
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It's got a good feel to it so far; I was going to question the whole being-in-the-moonlight-as-a-human part, but that, so far, is just a dream sequence, and I'm not sure yet how you're going to play the werewolves in your story.
The end of this part was pretty cool, too; a totally different twist.
There were some grammar and spelling bits here and there, nothing major though.
I wasn't sure how she knew the tracks were male at first, when they were only compared to a wolf's. Just because they're big doesn't mean they're a guy's feet. Once she sees the smaller, female tracks, I can see her making that decision, that one's male and one female, by sight alone, but not before then. Unless she's somehow also scenting the male and female, which would be a cool thing if she's doing it subconsciously.
Also, I've never seen the sea be still enough to get a reflection in, not even in the smoothest tropical bay. The reflection idea is good though; maybe, hmm...maybe she sees it in a tidepool instead. Those have relatively still water. Just my blathering idea; you write what you like.
So far, it's pretty good. -
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Thank you for commenting on my story and pointing out things that I could make additional changes to. I will make a few changes when it comes to the feet and the water being still when shes looking at her reflection, they are just a few things that slipped my mind in my hast to get the story out. lOl The grammar mistakes I will correct with spell check! Always helpful. If I could I would rate your comment 10 stars, because this was extremely helpful. Thanks again!
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Heh, just glad to be helpful.
No one's writing is ever perfect and no one is ever "done" with a story, I think. (I'm certainly not) So onward! *cues triumphant writer music, whatever that is*
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Hmmm, this is very interesting. I like it a lot. Very nicely done. Well written. Keep it up. God Bless!
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very very good!!
i love it!! i totally believed it!!
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Very catchy, and also alot different from the old one. This story is also very well written and descriptive. Ok so this seem like more of Prolouge, because for chapters they usually have more stuff happening. Anyway it was really good! Keep writing!
Cheers,
ProneDust -
This was great! It pulled me in! Nice re-write!
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this is really good, i can't remember if i read the original chapter one but i thought this was really good, if a little unclear on waht were her thoughts maybe use 'wait!' to make it clearer? but anyway i thought this was really good and really well written
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