Preface: A coatimundi (coati for short) is like a South American raccoon. They’re very mischievous and get into everything. I run an exotic and wild animal shelter. At the time our coati Sebastian was housed in the basement with many other animals, including our cougar Goliath who is also mentioned in the story. Sebastian has since passed away from cancer at the age of 13.
The Adventures or Sir Bastard1
er..............Sebastian. Well, lemme tell you guys! There's NOTHING that gets my heart going faster than my neurotic husband running full speed towards me wide-eyed and screaming "BASEMENT, BASEMENT, BASEMENT!!!" His arms were a flailin' above his head like an overexcited orangutan. Only thing missing was the orange hair and a banana. I'm thinking the ABSOLUTE worst thing, as my heart drops and I feel all the blood rush out of my head. I stubbed every one of my bare little toes as I galloped after him into the unexpected mayhem. Thinking to myself, how could that big cat possibly get out? The cage doors are locked, and each door has a chain wrapped around it with another lock. FOUR locks in all. I had heard loud noises in the night that I'd attributed to his late night bowling (Goliath’s favorite toy is a bowling ball)......yes, the noises were a little louder than usual, but working on my manuscript Ferret’s for Dummies had me a little preoccupied, since the deadline is tomorrow and I have 16 more chapters to edit.2
As I reached the bottom of the stairs, the first thing I notice is Goliath is safely and securely locked IN his cage. Phew! Second thing I notice is one......no, two......no, three feeder mice run past my feet. And then there was that ever-so familiar na-na-na-na-na SQUEAK from one obnoxious devil coati named Sebastian. Let himself out of his cage, he did! This time, the snap bolt just wasn't clever enough for the spawn of Satan. FOUR, FIVE, SIX mice go creeping by - with a headless one just off to the side. And Sebastian LAUGHS at me. And I swear he even pointed a paw and slapped his knee before reaching his little arms out for momma to pick him up and COMFORT him after such a fun, yet TRAUMATIZING (sarcastic sigh) coati experience.3
Swear to God, I can't even explain the destruction one coati can make in only a matter of minutes. I used to have hundreds of feeder mice. Now I have dozens of overfed carnivores that will be snacking throughout the evening. And the water bottles! That vacuum concept just doesn't fly when there are HOLES in every gosh darn water bottle. I won't even mention the overturned boxes of stuff and bedding pulled out of every cage. And everything in the fridge - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. But I just know the angel of hell is too smart and experienced to go near Goliath, cuz, he'll usually just sit on my shoulder, giggle and point at him as if to say, "You can't get me, you evil feline." Squeak, Squeak. Squeak.4
Okay, now you KNOW this scenario doesn't sit well with a spouse who already complains about animals - the very spouse who discovered Sebastian WAS the spawn of Satan in the first place and tried to rid the house of him in an evil plot (ok, not really - but he doesn't like him and the feeling's soooo mutual). And after 2 days of arguing over animals and my stress level raised to an unbearable level, as are my hormones, you all KNOW he dares to say nothing. Yes, the plotting spouse will save this moment as ammunition for next time.5
As for Sir Bastard, the little creep has earned himself a padlock. I took away all sharp objects so that he won't be able to pick the lock. And as pissed off as I am, I giggle uncontrollably to myself........perhaps in hysteria........ or perhaps just knowing that most of you are married to my spouse and can appreciate my experience and learn from my stupidity. (that last part is written for my animal fanatic friends)6
Have a good evening.7
Kim8
not a whole lot has changed except we now have FIVE spawns of Satan rescues that live securely outside with 2 raccoon friends who are devils themselves!)9
Comments
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Great
And I thought my grand sons were animals,where do you get the where with all to
manage this zoo. Hats off to you. -
lmao brilliant.
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True Stories
I can relate to this completely!! Really funny and, although Hectic, it has spawned vivid memories and colorful stories which you and your husband can relate to others!
Speaking of stories--one of mine---
I got "Humphrey", my Iguana, when I was about 12 years old----
A little neighborhood kid about 8 years old had him, but his mother wouldn't let him keep him.
Humphrey was a baby, about 7 or 8 inches long from his nose to the tip of his tail.
The little kid knew that I had some snakes and turtles, and asked me if I wanted him--Of course, I said yes, and "Humphrey" came into my life.
I didn't know much about how to care for pet iguanas at the time, but, I got a book about them at a pet store and did some studying.
Humphrey was small, about 8 inches, and his first home was a ten gallon aquarium with a screen top. I put a sixty watt light bulb in a reflector on top of the screen because Iguanas, being lizards, like to "Sun" themselves''.
Being a baby, Humphrey grew fast and was easy to care for because he was a vegetarian and his diet consisted mainly of lettuce which I would feed him every day--After about a year, he almost doubled his size and he was now in a 20 gallon aquarium.
About once a week, I would put a few drops of cod liver oil on his lettuce for vitamins and nutrients.
By the time I went into the Army, Humphrey was over 3 feet long and living in a wooden cage that I built with a glass front and screen top.
I had asked Mom if she would care for him while I was away and told her he was easy to care for with just a lettuce diet and a weekly dose of cod liver oil.
Mom agreed to care for Humphrey and I gave the rest of my collection (Snakes & Turtles) away to Vahle's Pet Shop that used to be around 8th & Market streets.
By the time I came home from Vietnam, Humphrey was too big for his cage, and I transferred him into another cage that I had built previously to house 3 snakes, all over 5 foot long.
It was once a glass candy counter with a wooden base and top that had a broken glass pane on one side and the local store nearby was throwing it out. Me and a friend managed to lug it down my street and into the house.
Later, when our family relocated, it was moved to our new home even though the movers were reluctant to do so, but I finally persuaded them.
I had knocked out the broken glass side of the counter and installed a wooden hinged door and I installed screening in the back for ventilation.
When it was moved to the new home, it was placed in the cellar.
Humphrey was almost 5 feet long by this time, with about a foot and a half of body and 3 and a half feet of tail.
I was very adept at handling him even though he had long, sharp, curved, claws (for climbing) and a whip-like tail that he would use as a whip if he felt threatened.--Humphrey was also known to bite on occasions, but, like I said, I was pretty adept at handling him and with me, Humphrey became pretty tame.
I remember, when I would open the side of the cage to put some lettuce in his bowl, he would climb down from his sun-perch and onto my lap eating the
leaves of lettuce as I was tearing them and putting them in his feed bowl.
I had about 2 or 3 inches of sawdust as a bedding in the bottom of the cage and I separated the feed and water area of the cage by a piece of pine board to keep the sawdust from getting into the water bowl.
Before I would feed Humphrey and change his water, I had a small whisk broom that I used to sweep the sawdust back that had accumulated near the feeding area.---Me & Humphrey had a little game that we played---It went like this----> I would open the side door of the cage and start sweeping back the sawdust---Humphrey knew it was feeding time and he would climb down from his sun perch while I was using the whisk-broom and approach me and a crawl up onto my lap as I kneeled and start eating the lettuce before I could even tear off the leaves to put in his feeding dish.
.---Sometimes, just for fun, I would shake the whisk broom near Humphrey's face as he would approach, and he would turn his back to me and give me a half-hearted whip of his tail---If I kept up teasing him, he would really get mad and whip his tail in earnest and believe me, if his 3 1/2 foot tail hit you ---it HURT !!! The tail-whipping is a natural defense for Iguanas.
But, Like I said, I became adept at handling Humphrey and with me, he became very tame---I was even able to hypnotize Humphrey by stroking the top of his head from his nose to his neck in one direction between his eyes and he would go to sleep and you could turn him upside-down, or vertical or any way you wanted and Humphrey wouldn't wake up until you touched the base of his tail.
I had been invited to go away for the weekend to a Bible Conference,----I was to leave early Saturday morning and I would return home Sunday night
When, I got home, Dad was upstairs while Mom told me a most sorrowful tale-------Mom said she was hanging clothes down the cellar and she saw Humphrey had gotten out of his cage and was roaming around the cellar and climbing up on Dad's work-bench etc.
Humphrey had learned to nuzzle his nose against the side door of his cage and work the latch loose!
It was early Sunday morning and Dad was still in bed.---
Mom didn't know what to do except to wake up Dad telling him-----
"AL"--"Wake up!"---"The 'Guana' got out of the cage!"
(Mom never could pronounce "Iguana")
Mom said Dad got up and went down the cellar in his boxer shorts and bare feet and you can imagine what his hair looked like-----The "Great White Hunter" was now on a "Safari" to capture the "Savage, Wild, Beast" !!
Mom said Dad went down the cellar in his boxer shorts, bare feet, and
"egg-beater" styled hair and approached Humphrey who was on his workbench---As Dad approached,--Humphrey eluded him by moving to the washing machine--Dad made a quick thrust to grab him, but, Humphrey eluded him again, and jumped down onto the cellar floor!---The chase was on.
Dad, in his bare feet and boxer shorts continued to chase Humphrey around the cellar until Humphrey climbed behind the washing machine, next to the wall.
An Iguana has the ability to "Inflate" itself in tight spaces and Dad couldn't get Humphrey out from behind the washer because Humphrey "Wedged" himself there purposely !
Dad had to move the washing machine a little to open up the space and--
"SUCCESS" --He got a hold of Humphrey or maybe, I should say, Humphrey got a hold of Dad !!
Mom said she saw Dad trying to hold onto Humphrey and get him back into his cage---Humphrey was violently whipping his tail and smacking Dad on the Butt--Humphrey's claws were tearing into Dad's forearms, and Dad's thumb was in Humphrey's mouth.
Can You imagine that scene?? -Dad running across the cellar floor with a five foot, very-mad lizard whipping his boxer-shorts covered Butt!!
Dad's arms were scratched, his thumb was bitten, and his butt was whipped, all at the "Same Time"--
Dad later came down the stairs and saw me and he was mad saying---
"Look what that Thing did to my arms !!"---Dad showed me his forearms that had many, now-scabbed, long and painful-looking scratches on them.
I tried to pacify Dad by telling him that Humphrey could be "Hypnotized' and easily handled, but, I'm afraid I only made things worse when I brought Humphrey upstairs as docile as a kitten in my arms and showed Dad how I could hypnotize him and put him to sleep--I hypnotized Humphrey and held him up-side down---I rubbed his belly--I flopped him onto my shoulder and onto my head and Humphrey remained sound asleep.
I asked Dad if he wanted to try it !? You can imagine Dad's response to that !! "Get That Thing Away From Me!!" --"Hypnotize"---"Look at My Arms!" --
Dad went back to bed mumbling something about "Hypnotizing'' and Mom went on to tell me how funny dad looked running across the cellar with the "Guana" smacking dad's behind with his tail.
Humphrey, had a certain amount of intelligence, for a reptile, and he became adept at working the door latch loose on his cage --I promised Mom I would put a different, stronger latch on the cage door.
I donated Humphrey to the Philadelphia Zoo before I moved to Florida --Humphrey was about 5 1/2 feet long at the time,
I also donated an 8 foot African Rock Python to the zoo at that time and to the best of my knowledge he is still there--The last time I was at the zoo was over 12 years ago and the python was there and had grown to about 17 feet in length.
My Dad never did handle Humphrey again!
Even after I "Hypnotized" him!
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This was a delightful adventure, outstanding descriptions and very high energy! Excellent pacing throughout the tale. Not a single boring bit! You let the reader tag along with you. Thoroughly enjoyable. A real treat!
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Thanks a bunch!
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o.O This was a very interesting rant... none like I've ever read before. I haven't even heard of this animal. The Coati. Very good.
However, you overuse of the "..." because very frustrating to me in a way. I find that using only three of the "dot dot dot" or "..." are fine, but more then four can become annoying, as for exclamation marks. Many people use "!!!!!". I'm glad you didn't.
The passage overall - or should I say, rant - was very unique. I likey.
Extra points!~
Good luck in my contest. -
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Thanks for the feedback. I've edited it based on your critique ;-)
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