2008, May1
The girl was asleep when I saw her and she looked so young only in her nightdress without her bulky day clothes and her face covered in make up. She looked much like a child rather then the young woman that she was.2
But she WAS a young woman, she was sixteen and the beloved daughter of William Sanclair, my family's great enemy for the last century.3
This was my retribution for the crime his family had committed against mine so many years ago. I was taking his daughter from him, if he wanted her back then hhe, unlike my great grandfather, would have the chance.4
I stared at her for two solid seconds before lifting her into my arms. I was careful, I could not have her wake and ruin this.5
It was easier then I had thought it would be, all I had to do was walk in the room and pick her up. I merely walked in and out of the house and no one was any the wiser.6
I laid her in the back seat of my black Mercedes and settled in beside her before signalling to my driver who quietly pulled away from the house. 7
As we drove I pulled out a length of dark cord I'd thought to bring and tied her hands together. There was no sense in having her wake up and strangle me. And if she didn't choose that method I could imagine many others she would think of.8
I leaned my head comfortably against the back of the seat, settling down for the long ride. My stare became fixed on the roof of the car and after a few minutes, the hum of the engine lulled me to sleep.9
_____________________10
1922, June11
"Sanclair, please!" Thomas said desperaty, "She's my only daughter!"12
The silent pale haired girl looked at her father from behind Thomas Jackson's back, Thomas held her arm tightly to keep her from running away.13
"Master Jackson," Joshua Sanclair said smugly, "Thomas, I'm not holding her against her will."14
Thomas was appaled.15
"You're holding her! Let her go, let her come back to me!" Thomas turned to his daughter, "Anne, this cant be what you want. I won't believe it!"16
Joshua released Anne's arm but she didn't move away.17
"You aren't letting her, are you?" Thomas said and before Joshua could move, a gun was pointed at his head.18
"Let her go, Sanclair," Thomas said calmly, "I'm through being polite about it."19
There was a glint of silver and a knife was pressed against Anne's neck.20
"You shoot me, I kill her, Jackson." He nodded to confirm his words, "You arent a killing man, your family never has been, never will be." Joshua paused before adding, "Just put it away, no one hs to die."21
Thomas dropped the gun and watched as his daughter was led away with a final smug smile from Joshua.
Author notes
more of this on monday, WILL be a series!!
got comments??
Comments
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This is a good start to what could be a great story. Well done.
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It's a great idea and could go so many ways. It was enjoyable to read and left me with tons of questions, making my want to read more! Good job, keep writing!
PR
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great idea but i want to see more!!
i enjoyed reading this and didn't notice any horrific faults, but definitely expand on what happened. so far all we know is that anne went with joshua, but why? and why nearly a century later is there still a vendetta? i can't wait for the next bit though
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in paragraph 4 you put hhe instead of just he. This was to short! put some detail into it, it's an amazing idea, but you go from one step to another way to fast. "he did this, then this happened, next chapter, same thing." explain the plot more, with vibrant colorful detail and words that pop out. "The night was freezing cold as i snuck the girl out of the dimly lit house. Only the one candle, set in the wall just outside the front door, illuminated any of this dreary scene. The house loomed overhead and blocked the moon from casting it's shadows on the carriage waiting for us to leave..." something like that.
Well, it's not my story, you dont have to listen to me, but you have such potential with this story, i want to see the world you could create. -
good start
Be sure to check for grammar, spelling, blah, blah, blah. It was a good start; I'm definitely interested in seeing how it progresses. Be careful that you make the progression of dialogue in the second half of the story as clear as possible.
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i would keep paragraph 4, it adds explanation so that there is less need for it later
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make sure not to mix up 'then' and 'than
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has potential
Okay--sounds like a good adventure. I'd eliminate paragraph 4, explaining the retribution. Leave a bit of suspense about his intentions and motives. Then on the second section, it is very confusing. I guess this is the flashback to the original offense, but it needs some kind of introduction, other than the date. The action is not entirely clear, either. Does the girl go willingly, or is she abducted by Joshua?
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Well it' got a great plot start to it, that's for sure. But I'm getting a sense that there's more than meets the eye on the earlier kidnapping...? Might just be me though. Did you end up writing the next section?
Also, unless you have a lot of friends who will helpfully read this right away for you, it'll take some time to get people to notice it. Try featuring it, or entering it in some of the contests, or put it on the reading list in any groups you're in.
You've got a few typos and the like in here:
P2 starts off with a long, rambling sentence, and "she looked much like a child" probably could use the word "more" in there
P4's 2nd sentence is run-on, and your "he" has two H's.
P5 ends with a run on sentence
P12 desperately
P13 pale-haired, or else she is pale and also haired, which sounds a little strange
These first few paragraphs of this section confused me. First Thomas is begging for his daughter, then she is hiding right behind him, and he has her arm. Then Joshua calls him Master Jackson, and then calls him Thomas, in the same sentence? Then later it's Joshua who's holding the girl's arm. I think you put Thomas Jackson in where Joshua Sanclair's name should be, in P 13.
P15 appalled
P16 can't
P20 is passive voice "a knife was pressed". Active voice is nearly always much better for telling action, especially in a tale like this. As you have it, that knife seems to come from nowhere; no one is mentioned as holding it.
P21 aren't, which is part of a long run-on sentence there. Also, hs = has
P22 was led away - more passive voice. Who's leading? I mean, duh, but you didn't say, so it sounds all detached and apathetic.
Good luck; this has great potential. -
This is good
However when he says having her wake up, you put down haing... just wanted you to know... otherwise this is excellent work... look forward to more.
DarkOne -
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thank you!!
How do you find things like that?? its very helpful
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