Last Kiss1
By2
Jake Miller3
Jay stepped down quickly on the clutch as he pulled out of the parking lot of Flung’s. He enjoyed the feel of the power of the engine in his fingertips as he gripped the knob of the gearshift. 4
“What CD’s do you have in here again?” asked Randi 5
“Check in the book. Put on whatever you want,” replied Jay6
Jay gazed at Randi through the corner of his eyes as she unzipped the black CD case and began to flip through the rigid plastic pages. Jay knew what band she was going to put on: Pearl Jam. She put the same CD on every time he gave her a ride home. Just like she always asked what CD’s he had. It was the signal that their time together had begun. Jay waited for this twenty minutes every week. 7
Every Wednesday night everyone from the office went out to Flung’s. Jay did not like Flung’s and he did not like most of the people he worked with. He didn’t really like to drink and thought it was pretty stupid to risk driving all the way home while he was drunk, but he gladly did it, for this twenty minutes. This twenty minutes when he had Randi’s unrivaled attention. 8
“Oh, I love this song,” Randi squealed and turned up the volume of the radio.9
Jay gazed again at Randi through the corner of his eye. She had these big beautiful blue eyes and long dark hair. She had big pouty lips that covered the most perfect set of teeth Jay had ever seen. She had an athletic body but still soft, not overly muscular or angular. 10
Jay had been madly in love with Randi for about four months now and despite having this guaranteed twenty minutes every week he never had made a move or told her he had any feelings for her what so ever. He had planned out what he would say and how to say probably ten times and each time he chickened out. 11
Jay’s thoughts wandered to when Randi had drunkenly danced with him tonight at the bar. They danced to some shitty Latino music. He couldn’t remember the name of the song and didn’t care to. He remembered how good she smelled. Even with the covering smell of alcohol and tobacco, he could smell her coconut scented shampoo as her hair was in his face. It was with this thought that Jay decided he would tell Randi he loved her.12
“…Hold me darling just a little while…” 13
Randi’s singing along with Eddie Vedder jolted Jay back to reality. Jay’s heart started to pound and his mouth went dry. 14
“Um….Eh…. Randi?”15
She kept her gaze out the window she could not hear him over the music.16
“Uhhh….Randi…” She turned now. “ I… Ll….”17
Randi’s head snapped back and the glass of the windshield showered her and Jay’s faces. Randi then lurched forward and went flying through where the windshield used to be. 18
Jay’s head smashed off the steering wheel, rendering him unconscious briefly. When he woke up there was the end of what could have been a fence picket sticking out of his abdomen. Jay looked forward and saw the demolished remains of the hood of his car entangled with the front of a Ford pick-up. On the top of the hood, he saw a mass of black hair and a body twisted at impossible angles.19
“I love you, Randi,” Jay said as the life left his body. 20
A contest entry
- Short stories 2 by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
275 points, ended September 17, 2008, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance by FlutezDOit Betta.
350 points, ended September 29, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - love and lost by lexiconsthedevil.
100 points, ended October 28, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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AWWWW!!!!I LOVED IT!!!!!!!
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Interesting Read
I thought this was a very good story, with a great twist at the end. Reading through it I thought that it was going to be just another 'shy boy can't talk to girl' type story. Good ending that left me feeling quite shocked at the outcome. Well done.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Hmm, I though I had commented this...
Well, I've definatly read it before, but that doesn't matter, it's a great story, veryy well written, very sad, very strong.
Excellent job, and good luck in my contest
-Dani -
This was really well done! I enjoyed reading it completely! *clappy&
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Good twist ending and tie in with the Pearl Jam song, but I found this confusing: 'Randi’s head snapped back..' - you mention later that the car obviously came to an abrupt stop (the crash), but generally when something stops suddenly, the inertia flings a person forward - it would be a physical impossibility for her head to 'snap back' before she then travelled out through the windscreen.
Overall, well written, and the piece moved along at a decent enough pace.
Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite.
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Thanks for your comment. I agree. It's not my favorite story.
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I read the title and immediately thought of the song by Pearl Jam and then when you added it to the story, I had an inkling of what happened. It was a good story but lacked emotiong - add just a bit moore and the story will be perfect. Good job, keep writing!
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OH!
Oh he did not! Oh man, this seemed at first like another sweet love story until the surprising twist at the end. I know love hurts, but -- OUCH!
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Yes it does. Thanks for reading.
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