(Note: I know it’s not a good idea to begin with the line ‘Dear Diary’ but I had to have some start off and I wanted it clear this is a girl expressing her thoughts and feelings to a diary and a diary alone… please don’t be put off by that.)1
Dear Diary,2
Ok, I chose this title. Trapped. I don’t know why. There are other words to describe how I feel right now. Trapped probably isn’t even the best, because I’m not trapped. I can walk away at any time. Only I can’t. I’m involved now. I walk away and I take another brick from the pile. I don’t know how important that brick is; maybe another would take it’s place and hold the pile more steady than mine will. But it might not. There might never be another brick, or the time for that to come. The pile might fall. And it’s not my right to make that choice. Every person in this pile is part of this world and part of life. Even if they weren’t part of mine, how do I have the right to remove them of their future, and perhaps a future another may share with them?3
I’ve gone too deep. Already my implications and innuendo have lead to more than I wanted. I just need to find a way to feel less… it’s NOT trapped. I keep trying to use that word and it’s not right. I am not trapped. And I wouldn’t want to walk away. I love the people I support.4
I think all I need is to talk. This might help a little but it’s not proper. Normally I don’t have this problem because… well, I have a lot of friends. And don’t get me wrong, I still have loads. They’re all over. I couldn’t name them all if I tried. But… there were a few who know what I’m talking about and understand what’s going through my mind, because they’re thinking the same thoughts and imagining the same images. And one by one… suddenly I find myself holding the pile alone. The other pillars… they’re still there, I know they are! But I can’t talk to them now, for one reason or another. I can’t actually get in contact. Every time something new happens, I turn as though to tell them, to ask for advice, share ideas and thoughts, but then I realise I can’t share. And each time it happens… each time it gets harder not to crack under the strain.5
I know I don’t have it hard. My life is easy. My school, my friends, my home, my family. All simple. And yet, even the most simple things are complex when you look close. Though I don’t have any problems, I also have many. I mean, I argue with my family and friends from time to time, but who doesn’t? Who can honestly say they have never felt annoyed at one of their friends or family? It’s human nature. And… because I’ve got it so easy… I had to make it hard. It was like a duty. If I’m not suffering and the rest of the world is. Can’t we split it? Can’t it be more fair? Things happen which I can’t stop, and I know I can’t stop them but I… I can help, I know I can.6
All I want is to be able to talk to someone freely. I don’t want to use hints and suggestions. I don’t want any vague notes on something that’s happened. I want to tell someone about stuff and have them tell me I’m doing it ok, and agree or disagree with how I handle things. I just want to talk, and I don’t know why.7
There’s a million people I could turn to. I could pick almost anyone. And yet… I don’t. Every day I think about it. As soon as I’m stressed I consider calling one of my friends, texting, whatever. And yet I don’t do it. There are only two people I feel I may talk to about this stuff, and they cannot be here now. The other two pillars in the pile aren’t there and the third is determined not to crack.8
Sometimes I feel ready to cry. Sometimes I do cry. All I want is to hug the people and take them somewhere safe, somewhere away from the bad things, but all I can do is sit and wait, offering my words of comfort and promises for the future. I don’t want them to be empty promises.9
Words are my saviour and my damnation. I love words. Words convey meaning, strength, love and laughter. But they can be taken in the wrong way so easily. The blessing and vice of words is that they have little fixed meaning. They can be taken any way. Particularly in writing. Any word can hint at what you mean, feel, breathe. Any word that is there is there for a reason. It’s true that not every word in a sentence has a purpose, but put together, they always will. My words. They are my saviour and they bring me and others comfort. Look at how simple this can be. 10
‘I love you.’ Simple. It brings questions, warmth, anger, jealousy, love, freakedness, and any emotion you can imagine. Take it any way you like. If you want the love of a stranger, it would make you feel good. If you feel it’s a disgusting perverted thing, it would make you uncomfortable and possibly angry. It just depends on your perspective. So take it how you choose and then try this one. ‘I hate you’… what does that mean then? Again, it can provoke many of the same emotions. Anger springs to mind first at such harsh judgement without reasoning, but what next? Disappointment in yourself? What comes next? Anyway, I’m rambling, I must stop. You will have seen my point at the perspectives, and the power behind a single sentence, and if you haven’t, I can explain it no clearer.11
So, words are a mixed blessing indeed. And we need them. Without them, to converse would be impossible on a website. Some things are easier said by writing them than actual speech. I could never express this aloud. But I can write it down. Some things however, are harder to say when typing. You can put no real expression into them, no emphasis, no gestures to how you feel. Much of conversation is gesture. Even on the phone, people move their hands in an attempt to express themselves, though the listener cannot see. Without words, this piece would not be possible. Without words, I couldn’t tell people what or how I feel.12
And despite my longing for a real person, a real answer, some comfort to make me feel that I don’t stand alone, this is helping me. I don’t know why in particular. I mean, what is it? Perhaps just a distraction. But to let these emotions free, to see them on paper, makes it clearer and easier to decide on my decisions. I don’t know why, but it does.13
I think what makes this hard is knowing that although I have so many friends, I don’t feel like I can… I don’t know. I don’t know what it is I want. I want one of my friends to understand, I suppose. To understand what I’m going through. To never reproach me for it later, or laugh and feel I’m looking for attention. I’m sure they wouldn’t. But I don’t want to be addressed as though I’m being childish and making a big deal out of nothing, because I know for sure that I am not. I am fighting as hard as I can. I know what I’m talking about. It is not something small and petty and I hate to be told that. We’re talking lives here. Really.14
I’m doing it again. Going in too deep. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I hope no one ever finds this diary. It wouldn’t be good. The only reason I turned to it is because I don’t know how else to write how I feel.15
Something that bothers me is that I can’t talk to my mum about these things anymore. I always thought I would be able to tell her anything. And I probably could. It’s just… ok, it’s stupid. But, even though I know she isn’t, I feel she’s laughing at me. She’s so experienced, she knows everything, she always is right. She’s been there, done that. I don’t want that. I want someone who knows what I mean and how to handle stuff, sure, but I don’t want to be told that it’s just a passing thing, or see that look in her eye which means it is. I know she’d comfort me and try to look after me. But would she understand? That’s the main problem, I suppose. Would anyone understand? Anyone but those that are part of the support? And they aren’t here… Still, as a pillar, it is my duty, and my life, to hold up a little longer and to fight a little harder every day. I won’t break. I won’t crumble. I will stay strong.16
Sorry to have written such a depressing write on my first entry. But then, you’re my diary. I hope I didn’t depress you too much. I just need to talk and this is the only way I know how to. Yet, it has helped. Thank you so much for listening, whoever read this. It means so much to me. Thank you. Whoever you are, thank you.17
Love, Lavender.18
Author notes
I'd really like to know how people would react to this. If someone sent you this in a message, instead of a diary entry, what would you do/say? Anyway, all comments are very very welcome!
Just imagine it's real. What would you say to her?
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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WoW
Very well written, and it contains a lot of strong feelings. it was easy to read and understand, it was easy yet deep. and very beautiful in many ways "i will stay strong" a very good quote, sometimes staying strong can be a really hard thing to do. but it's something a person just does. and it's truly beautiful. a angelic ability, but a person shouldnt seal everything inside of him/her. even the strongest person needs support, and even the weakest person, can support. this was a amazing work. i totally loved it. every word was filled with emotions.
i would call this a perfect diary entry, yet a perfect letter/speech, when in need of help.
Awesome job!
=) keep up the good work =)
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you ish wonderful you know 
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I don't think I'll be feeling like this again, and reading back on it... you have no idea how glad I am of that. 
you amazing
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Very well written. The character in this seemed to let out all their emotions/feelings at the time and just put all of it in their diary. It had a good flow and feel to it. There was a lot of emotions flowing throughout this. Again, this was great and brilliantly written.
Great job and take care.. Rewarded 6
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I'm so glad you enjoyed it. It is rather an emotion pour, lol. Anyway, is ther anything in particular you would like me to read in return, or shall I choose randomly? And I have to say it... I love your little pic XD! Can't remember what the things are called but I love it anyway!
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Thanks. I can't remember the name either. Random works for me.
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it was incrediably well written it conveyed so much emotion but what is her problem?
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I couldn't put it in, sadly. Thanks very much for the read! Is there anything particular you'd like me to return it with, or shall I choose randomly? . Thanks again!
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This was well written, the first part, with the diary entry, is rarely good in stories, but it was well used in here and nicely used. I liked the feel of the story, it was very, very, nicely written indeed.
bravo!
Freedom
. Rewarded 4
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I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Is there anything in particular you would like me to return the read on, or shall I select randomly? . Thanks very much!
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I say, select randomly...
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Alrighty then, shall do!
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Really Nice
I think using the diary theme worked really well with your thoughts. I agree with you that using 'Dear Diary' as a starter may not be the best way to start, but that does not effect what you were trying to express.
. Rewarded 4
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Aww, thank you. I'm glad you liked it.. Is there any particular work you would like me to read in exchange, or shall I choose something random?
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Pleased to encourage. I have no work up for reading yet, but keep an eye out.
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Alright, will do. Message me when you get something up, in case I miss it.. Thanks again.
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I love it!
You have a brilliant flair for writing and you wrote the story so evocatively. I loved it, good idea and even better story. very well done.. Rewarded 4
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I'm very glad you liked it! Is there anything specific you would like me to return the favour on or shall I choose something random? Thanks very much for the comment!
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It feels real to me. I love the line "words are my savior and my damnation." I feel very much the same way as far as my writing!
. Rewarded 4
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Lol. It seems that way to me too.. I'm very glad you liked it. I enjoyed writing it . Is there anything in particular you'd like me to return the favour on or shall I pick something random? !
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Random works for me!
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Alright, sounds cool. I'll go look now. Thanks very much for the comment
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wow... u took one emotion and wrote a whole story about it.. ingenious.. u never fail to impress me
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Thanks very much! I'll return the favour whenever you like. I'm glad you liked it. It wasn't hard to do a full story on it, 'cause it's a very strong emotion, lol. Anyway, thanks very much for reading!
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I really liked the topic of being alone in a crowd. I feel this is a very human experience. No other animal has the mental capacity to cut themselves off from nature. Great choice of topic.
In answer to your question, I would think my reaction to a message like this would be that the person is crazy. I can't really imagine a person opening up to a person in this way, even though i think that these feelings are very normal. The only way someone could realistically be this open was if no one is reading it or intended to.
One suggestion, I would have liked to hear an anecdote from the character that could have backed up her feelings. Give us a little background on what prompted her to write this entry.
. Rewarded 8
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I'm very glad you enjoyed it. I would like to put an anecdote in, and perhaps at some point I will do, but for now I think I will have to leave it as it is. An anecdote would certainly be a good idea though, and thanks very much for pointing that out! An interesting take on how you'd react to the message and not one that had occurred to me. Thanks very much! Anything particular you'd like me to read in return for the favour, or shall I choose something randomly?
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That was very moving...
I must say... Very very moving.
I can understand that the writer has literally poured his/her heart out. There have been a number of occasions whence I have found myself in a similar situation. The only difference being, I don't have *many* friends. I prefer to keep to myself, but then there are days when my heart literally bangs against my chest!
That's when a dairy is so useful...
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Now coming to your question: How would I react? (Assuming I know the 'someone' who has sent it to me)
If it's from one of my close friends, well, the best possible way to make him/her feel easy is to take them out to a nice place. Away from the tension of the city... To a peaceful location and talk it out. Talking out stuff is probably the *best* way of making someone feel 'lighter' (if you get what I mean). A caring arm over the shoulder, a cool breeze, a stable and sane head...
And if it's from someone I am not that close with, it depends. Because, I have to try and empathize. Try to feel what he/she 'feels'. And empathizing is not that easy. It's easy to say, "Yes, dear, I understand.", but it takes way more than that to get under the hood.
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A wonderful post. The flow of your writing was amazing. Peace, and have a nice day.
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks so much. i'm glad I got the feelings out in it; I really wanted to do that mcuh. I may continue to post the Diary because I found it very interesting and calming. I like your answer to my question and thanks very very very much for the read. Thanks for pointing out that you understand what I was meaning too.! I must return the favour. Is there anything particular you'd like me to read or shall I choose something random? Thanks so much!
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Hey... No mention! Glad to be of some help to you. I don't have many posts here. So... Yeah, please do check out some of my poetry here. You'll also find one lone story and two columns. I spend more time at my blog... You are always welcome there.
Yeah, do continue to post the Dairy. I don't see it as a 'rant'. You can count on that! I will try my best to comprehend what you are trying to come out with.
Peace.
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