Confessions of sin

Winter 1980 in the Roman Catholic School in England1

Victor Paten vehemently cursed the couple who were flirting and giggling in front of him, while silently encouraging them to take a further step in their love relationship. Well, at least that’s what Victor believed their relationship was. 2

“Come on, Father Brendon. Make a move, horny old man.” Victor glared through the checkered wooden window of the confession chamber. The confession chamber had two windows, one that showed out into the penance room and the other to the balcony area outside. Father Brendon and Sister Nora were standing in the balcony. Victor looked in despair as the old man flirted like a teenager and Sister Nora giggled like a school girl. They had been doing this for almost an hour now. The most they had done was a brief touch of hands. Victor wanted to catch them in a compromising act. 3

He hated the old fashioned catholic school and the strict moralistic values it was based on. He believed the school’s rules were too harsh and unnatural. If he could catch the promoters of such harsh rules like Sister Nora and Father Brendon doing something that was prohibited by religion he could expose them as hypocrites. Somehow, he felt he would win if he could expose them. 4

Victor had come to the strict English catholic boarding school only two months ago, when his parents couldn’t take him with them on the UNICEF’s vaccination program to Africa. He had hated the rules of the school the first day he was informed of them. He hated the constant prayers and the feeling of being completely subjugated to somebody in the name of religion. 5

The problem was, he wasn’t a religious person to begin with. This caused major problems as he always debated with his teachers on their religious views and skipped morning prayers on a usual basis. Thankfully because of his parents’ huge donations to the school, father Brendon had not treated him as harshly as he treats other students with discipline problems. Instead he had to spend half the day in the penance room, without food to repent on his heretical actions and beliefs and pray to god for forgiveness. 6

However, instead of doing that, Victor found a new way of creating mischief by pretending to be Father Brendon in the confession chamber when he was not in it. Father Brendon had a usual scheduled break from 1-3pm every day to have lunch and flirt with Sister Nora. 7

“Father Brendon?” A hesitant boy’s voice asked through the checkered outer panel to the penance room. 8

Victor didn’t take his eyes off what was happening on the other side of the confession chamber when he imitated Father Brendon’s voice perfectly and said “What brings you here today, my son?”9

“Father, I have to make a confession.” The boy sounded penitent. Of course you do, Victor thought to himself snidely.10

“Well, go on son.” He said when the boy hesitated.11

“I..I am having improper dreams father. I just don’t know how to make it stop.” He said with a repentant sigh.12

Victor rolled his eyes. Improper dreams, was it? Since when was dreaming a sin? He wasn’t sure dreaming wasn’t a sin but why should someone be punished for something they couldn’t even control? He thought. He replied with a touch of sarcasm that he couldn’t hide. “Don’t worry too much about that son. Young boys of your age usually have these kinds of dreams. It’s natural. It usually passes when you grow older.”13

“But..I don’t think my dreams are natural.” He said in a whisper.14

Victor’s eye brows rose at that. Suddenly watching the two adults held no appeal. Exactly what was the boy dreaming of anyway? And who was it? He looked out into the shady confines of the penance room and grinned broadly when he saw who it was. It was yummy boy. The class smarty pants head prefect who knew all the answers to the questions teachers asked. He was also the most gorgeous boy Victor had ever seen. He was tall for their sixteen years with a lean body of five feet ten inches height, golden blonde hair and baby blue eyes that almost looked violet. He also had the most delicious looking peachy skin and red lips that he thought should not belong to a man. Excited Victor leaned in close to see his beautiful face. He looked sad. 15

Suddenly a thought entered his head as he grinned impishly and asked slyly “So, how many boys’ cocks have you sucked in your dreams? Perhaps there was even more than one boy in your dreams?”16

The boy’s eye’s widened and his face blushed crimson. Victor almost hooted at that. Yummy boy actually dreamt of boys, he thought elatedly. He sputtered for a while before his face turned pale and his eyes narrowed at the checkered window. He said accusingly “You are not Father Brendon.”17

Victor came out of the confession chambers and leaned casually against the wall as he said “hey” in a nonchalant manner looking him over.18

The boy’s blush deepened when he saw him. He looked very embarrassed and angry. “You? How could you get into the confession chamber? Don’t you have any inkling of right and wrong?”19

“Hey. Don’t preach me right and wrong okay goodie boy.” He said moving closer to him until he was pressed against the wall near the door. 20

“Let’s not get too excited. I promise you I won’t let the others know you like to suck cock.” He said with a smirk.21

The boy’s face went white at that “I didn’t say that.” He said indignantly.22

Victor laughed at that as he drawled with a chuckle “No. You just dream of that. Did you see someone fucking you as well? First times are usually painful but it gets better. It can drive you crazy and you’ll be begging for more. Did you see that in your dream? Did you see you begging to be fucked in the arse?”23

Victor watched the play of emotions on the boy’s face as it went from shock to horror to gradual built up of anger. “What’s wrong with you?” He sputtered his face ruddy with anger as he shoved at his chest.24

Victor grinned broadly “I just think you are trying so hard to stay in that little closet. The secret is out, gorgeous.”25

“I don’t have any secrets. You are jumping to conclusions.” The boy said in a high voice.26

Victor smiled at him sympathetically. “Is that what you think? Let’s talk about the inappropriate dreams again shall we?”27

The boy glared at him furiously “You had no right to listen to my confession but someone with a morally screwed compass like you would never understand why it’s wrong. Just because your parents are rich you think you can behave anyway you like. So be it then. But, just leave me alone.”28

That angered Victor “Hey, I am not just some fucking rich boy having fun okay? If I had my choice I wouldn’t have come to this mad house. There’s no reason to get so upset about the truth.”29

“There is no truth here. Only your arrogant assumptions.” The boy punctuated with a slash of his wrists as he started leaving. 30

Victor stopped him and backed him up against the wall as he leaned in close enough to touch his forehead against the boy’s and looked into the panicky blue eyes. He was already breathing heavily. “Look here, beautiful. I understand you don’t want to face this. But admit it. You want boys more than girls. You don’t see dreams of boys on a regular basis unless it’s in your mind. You can lie to yourself all you want, but at the end of the day, it’s a man you want, isn’t it? Would you still continue the charade of having a wife and children in the future when you know that your heart is not in it?”31

“Having a wife and children right now is not my priority.” He said tersely.32

Victor kissed his cheek. The boy’s eyes widened at that as he shrugged past him and started walking away as if to escape the devil. Victor said with a deep chuckle “If you badly want to be fucked I wouldn’t mind doing it for you. You have a very pretty ass. By the way my name is Victor Paten.”33

He didn’t reply.
*********34

He confirmed the same day that the boy’s name Gawyn. The next few weeks Victor teased Gawyn mercilessly in public view, without anyone knowing what they were up to. At the breakfast table he made sure he was looking at him when he did a good imitation of sucking a cock with a banana. Gawyn had choked on his cereals the first time he saw it. In the afternoons when they were supposed to do cleaning, Victor made sure he was paired up with Gawyn. He would strip his shirt and walk around half naked in front of Gawyn. He had caught very discrete hungry glances from Gawyn but he knew Gawyn would never confess to ogling his body. As the days progressed Victor knew he was starting to actually torture him from the strained look on Gawyn’s face when they met. 35

A month or so later from the confession day, one morning, a dozen or so boys were waiting for their turns in the shower. Victor had just finished with his morning shower when he stepped out with only a towel around his torso. He looked at the queue and saw Gawyn waiting as usual in the line. The boy’s eyes met his and Victor grinned mischievously at him with the new knowledge he had. He imperceptibly caressed his taut nipples, closely maintaining eye contact with Gawyn to make sure he saw, as the other boys rushed about around them. Gawyn swallowed hard and he quickly averted his eyes to a point on the wall, his face flushed. Someone from the back tapped him on the shoulders and said “Hey Gawyn, it’s your turn.”36

The boy blushed profusely as he looked at Victor and Victor raised his eye brows pretending to take more time styling his hair so that he could see the boy take off his towel and step into the shower. Unfortunately for him, the empty shower booth was right in front of the mirror in which Victor was pretending to style his hair. As the showers did not have any doors and the curtains have been removed to be replaced with new ones, there was no way he could get in the shower without showing off his nudity to anyone who was bothered to watch. 37

“Um, Rick. You go first. I just remembered, I kept something in the room.” He said as he stepped out of the queue and started back to his room. 38

He came out again fifteen minutes later when the shower area had cleared. Victor watched him like a predator as Gawyn looked around carefully and went into the bathroom. He waited till the shower started running before he entered the bathroom and stood right before his shower cubicle. 39

“You sure have some assets to protect from other people’s eyes.” He mused as he looked at his youthful lean body. He looked appreciatively at the young, corded muscles on his chest, arms and stomach and the visible outline of the six packs on his abs. He grinned when he saw the taut round buttocks and said “the prettiest ass I have ever seen.”40

Gawyn looked at him mortified. “What are you doing here?”41

“Looking at you.” He said with a cheeky grin at him.42

“I didn’t give you permission.” Gawyn said anxiously trying to cover himself with his hands. 43

Victor stalked closer to him and he backed away from him, nervousness apparent in his eyes as Victor turned off the water. “Let’s make a bet shall we, Wyn?”44

“I don’t want any bet and my name is not Wyn.” He said, glaring at him. 45

Victor pouted at him “Gawyn just sounds too old. I like Wyn. If no one had ever called you that before, it’s better because I want to give you a special name.”46

Gawyn backed away looking warily at the towel that was haphazardly thrown on the bench a few feet away. 47

Victor sighed “You can back away from me and press yourself against the wall. It doesn’t matter. In the end I end up backing you into a corner, which is not good for you. I’ve had enough of innocent seduction with you. Take the bet and I will leave you if you are really a straight guy.”48

Gawyn looked at him doubtfully “What’s the bet?” he asked.49

“Very simple. You take your hand away from your cock and let me look at you anyway I want. Just look. If it arouses you, then you are mine to do with as I want. If it doesn’t arouse you, I’ll let you go with the promise never to tell anyone about any of this. There is one condition though. You will have to look at whatever I ask you to watch and I will take off my clothes.” He explained.50

Gawyn watched him uncertainly as he asked “You won’t touch me at all?” He sounded disturbed by that fact.51

“No. No touching until I see you are aroused by my staring at you.” He said with a gentle smile. Gawyn looked at him, the indecision clear in his blue eyes as he finally nodded with a deep breath. 52

Victor smiled as he got his way finally after what seemed like forever. He made a show of taking off his clothes and watched Gawyn bite his lips hard to contain his excitement. Victor looked at his beautiful cock then almost reverently. He had well hung balls and at least an eight inch shaft. 53

“Baby, you are so beautiful.” He told him and was rewarded with a flush on his cheeks that he couldn’t contain. As Victor looked at him and touched himself he ordered Gawyn to watch him. He looked almost pleadingly at him at that. But when he watched him, he gasped and as Victor watched he saw Gawyn’s cock fill rapidly as it started its upward descent. Victor did not touch him until his whole face was flushed with arousal and his cock started leaking pre cum. He kissed him deeply when he saw how agitated Gawyn was becoming as his arousal rose. 54

Gawyn hugged him as soon as he touched him, his breathing raspy and desperate. “Please” he said in his ear. Victor kissed his eyebrows softly and pushed him against the wall as he kissed his way down his hard well formed chest, nipping on his aroused nipples. He moaned at that throwing his head back.55

Victor knelt beside his vertical cock and licked the underside of his cock, guiding it gently to his mouth. Gawyn’s knees nearly buckled at that, as Victor asked him to widen his knees and brace his head as support. Gawyn watched as Victor’s head bobbed on his shaft, alternatively licking his sensitive head. It didn’t even take two minutes for him to come, as aroused and needy of release as he was. Gawyn licked him clean before standing up and kissing him passionately. 56

“I am not finished with you.” He growled against his mouth, grinding his engorged erection against his narrow hips. Gawyn smiled shyly as he said “Thanks.”57

Victor smiled at that. He liked a grateful lover. Gawyn asked kissing and nuzzling his neck, his actions still shy “Do you want me to go down on you too?”58

“No.” Victor said. “I want to make love to you.”59

Gawyn looked at him with wide eyes. Victor felt Gawyn getting aroused again with the mention of making love to him. “Will it hurt?” He asked his voice concerned as he circled Victor’s cock in his hands.60

“I will not hurt you any more than necessary. It hurts a bit the first time but it gets good.” He said looking into his eyes. 61

Gawyn looked at him trustingly and bent over, letting him have access to his hole. Victor ran a finger down the crack of his ass and muttered with a curse “Shit. I don’t have lube. It will hurt like hell if I go without it.” 62

“What about water?” Gawyn asked innocently.
“No. It wouldn’t do for you. Don’t worry, I’ll just use my fingers this time to show you how good it can be.” He said as he slowly inserted one finger into his hole and curled it. He was very tight. He removed it slowly and Gawyn made a protesting sound in his throat. The second time, he pushed two fingers inside. Gawyn stilled, adjusting to the invasion. In time, as he rubbed against his sensitive prostate gland Gawyn started moaning and thrashing against him. “I need you. Harder. Please. I don’t care if it hurts. I want you.” He gasped.63

Victor took a moment to decide, before he slowly slided his aching cock into him. He made it faster for him rubbing the head of his penis over the sensitive spot all over until he arched his back and came hard with a muted scream. Victor turned him around and pulled him into his arms as he shook from the aftermath of their love making. They were kissing deeply when a loud booming voice interrupted them “Gawyn Radley and Victor Paten. What in devil’s name are you doing?”64

Both of them went completely still, their heart beats still beating in tandem. Victor felt the great leap of fear in Gawyn’s heart as it started beating harder. He protectively hugged him as he looked at half the school staff watching them with shock. Their chemistry teacher was crossing his chest as if he was facing the devil himself. Victor watched as Father Brendon’s ruddy face went still redder as they both hugged each other tightly. 65

“It’s the work of the devil himself. Stop this evil immediately.” He demanded.66

“So this is what you have been doing without attending the morning prayers. Separate yourselves right now.” Sister Nora said with disgust.67

Victor looked at the deeply embarrassed Gawyn and felt extremely protective of his nakedness. He pushed Gawyn behind him as he grabbed the towel and gave it to him. “Wear my clothes.” He said softly to Gawyn, trying to tell him with his eyes that everything would be okay. Gawyn wore Victor’s somewhat bigger clothes and Victor wrapped the towel around his torso. 68

“Follow me, both of you.” Father Brendon said angrily.69

Victor squeezed Gawyn’s hand and Gawyn looked at him with tears in his eyes. “I love you.” He whispered. Victor’s heart tugged at those words as he looked up at him sharply seeing the others have heard it as well. “I love you too.” He said solemnly.70

As soon as they were near the penance room, they were forcefully separated. It seemed that it was their chemistry teacher who had first seen them making love in the shower and he had gone and informed the others. Victor was taken underground into what appeared to be holding cells. The school was built in a medieval castle. So the design remained the same with the underground prisons. 71

“You will get no food or water for three days and perhaps if you pray hard enough, god would purify you of the filthy sin you have committed.” Father Ricardo, their history teacher was saying to Victor.72

“Where is Wyn? What are you doing to him you sick psychos? Loving is not a sin.” He screamed as they dragged him down the dank dark stairs to one of the small cells and locked him inside. 73

“He incited you to commit this cardinal sin. He should be punished to save his soul.” Father Ricardo said calmly.74

“No. You are mad.” Victor screamed in horror. It felt as if he felt the pain and horror of Gawyn. He did something he had never done before. He started crying “Please, don’t hurt him. It was me who incited him to make love with me.”75

“That wile act is not making love.” The man spat at him. “To purify his spirit he needs to be principled in corporal mortification. Once the penance is done, hopefully god would forgive him for inciting lust in men with his type of unnatural androgynous beauty. We thought he was our best student, an angel. How wrong we were.”76

“It’s not his fault.” He wailed but the man left him alone. 77

After what seemed like ages, he heard the big wooden gate to the underground open up. They opened the door next to him and threw Gawyn inside like a sack of potatoes, chaining him to an iron pole. When they left, Victor called Gawyn softly “Baby, talk to me.”78

He croaked first and Victor thought he was already dying. After a spasm of coughs Gawyn called him softly “Victor?”79

Victor cried as he moved as close as possible to the other cell and peered in. He felt crawling insects beneath him that he ignored. He heard the rattling and dragging of chains before Gawyn peered at him through the small openings caused by the metal casement like bars that allowed only a small finger to be put in through to the other cell. He fell down in exhaustion and he lightly touched the small spaces in the metal casing. Victor touched his finger tips. “Tell me love, what had they done to you?”80

He didn’t answer. Victor tried again tears streaming down his face “You are entitled to hate me. It was entirely my fault. I can’t live with myself if anything happened to you.”81

“Victor. Please don’t talk like this. I am very glad you forced me to accept the fact that I was gay. I was so confused and lost before today. When you made love to me, I felt like you freed a weary soul that had been imprisoned for too long. I felt like a bird set free from the cage. Don’t blame yourself.” He said the sentences with great difficulty. He said then with a long sigh “Even though I have known you for only a few days I know I love you Victor.”82

Victor’s heart cried out in anger and the unfairness of it. There wasn’t much they could do. They spend their times lightly touching their finger tips. The incessant noise of insects buzzing and crawling in their cells was droned out by Gawyn’s beautiful singing. As days passed Gawyn’s moans and cries grew. Victor would remember his cries forever as he begged for water. He had listened to his raspy breathing till the minute he looked into his eyes and whispered “I love you”. “I love you so much, my beautiful Wyn. Promise me that you would stay with me, that you would never give up on me.” Victor had replied back. “I promise” Gawyn had said solemnly before he started singing in a throaty dry voice his last song.83

“O Lord, hear my prayer
O Lord, hear my prayer
When I call answer me
O Lord, hear my prayer
O Lord, hear my prayer
Come and listen to me”84

He sighed softly in the end and Victor called out his name. Gawyn did not reply. As hungry, thirsty and cold as he was, Victor assumed Gawyn didn’t want to talk. Some time later that day, he heard someone walk down the stairs to their cells. The door to his cell opened. Victor was coiled in a fetal position trying his best to fight the chilling cold of the English Winter that seemed to seep through the skin into the bones from the ice cold floor. Looking up at Father Brendon he moaned “Wyn”. He struggled to his feet, falling alternatively as he went in to see his beloved, his bones feeling like the arthritic bones of an old man. 85

The grotesque sight and the repugnant smell of unclean pus and blood that greeted his nostrils made him almost faint straight away. But for the life of him, he couldn’t scream even though his mind was snapping. Victor looked at the ugly whip marks that now oozed pus and dark black blood from all over Gawyn’s body, especially the back that looked like it was ripped open by knives. He was completely naked with a heavy barbed wire that cut through his flesh on his right upper thigh. The selice was attached to a heavy chain that went around an iron pole. 86

A huge lump formed in his throat as he looked at how Gawyn had stretched himself to touch his fingers from the other side. He looked at the blood oozing from the selice on his upper thigh, making a black puddle around him. Victor was crying in staccato gasps, his head spinning as he dropped on his knees beside Gawyn. He looked at the only part of Gawyn’s body that was unmarred. His beautiful face. He pressed his cheek again Gawyn’s freezing cold cheek and saw the dried trail of tears. Yet, his eyelashes were still spiky from the tears. Victor’s last thought before he fainted was that even with all the pain, Gawyn had never given up his faith in god. 87

Strangely it seemed god listened to him. It was later confirmed that Gavin died twelve hours before Father Brendon visited them to free them. In his death, except for the ugly gashes he looked very peaceful, as if he was sleeping and would open his eyes anytime. The school closed an year later on grounds of too harsh discipline rules and Father Brendon and Sister Norah were charged with the murder of orphan Gawyn Radley. The case was brought to court by Victor Paten and his parents. Victor Paten went on to become a successful scientist. He never married or had any relationships in his life. He devoted his life to helping orphans and making new medicine to give people life. People who knew Victor Paten claimed he was mad as he was seen at odd times talking and laughing with someone by the name of Wyn.