Sisterhood

I fell asleep to the smell of death and incurable sickness that ravages the innocent. I awake in a stiff chair holding the hand of my comatose sister. Her breathing is irregular and spasms of coughing rack her body with each breath. Her hand is so small in mine even though mine is no bigger. Her face is empty. I can’t remember when there weren’t sketches of black and blue under her eyes. They call her ‘sleeping’, but I know she’s really not. She is fighting but even Cora might be losing. I hurt to see my twin alone on the unforgiving hospital bed so I climb up next to her. I hug her and don’t let go. My embrace is what’s keeping her from leaving this world without me. I don’t let go of her hand, I grip it tighter. 1

The leukemia has destroyed my fighting sister. She can’t fight anymore, not like this. After Chemo her immune system can’t fight the coughing sickness. She was so strong but Bronchitis makes her gasp for breath. I protect her now by freezing out anyone who comes near her. I glared at the nurse until she left. She came to check up on my sister, she left beaten by an eleven year old. The dark brown lustrous hair that used to be brushed every night is now spread out on the pillow unbrushed and dry. 2

No one expects her to wake up so I am her keeper because I still believe. She has taken care of me all our lives so now it’s my turn. My leg is asleep and as I move slightly, she twitches. I sweep aside the strands of my healthy chestnut hair and my fingers catch my necklace. My fingers play with my necklace feeling the body heated golden letters. She has a silver necklace,one she picked out as I chose mine. Our parents saw them at some dainty craft shop and said to pick the word that described us. She chose ‘princess’ and I chose ‘sister’. 3

This morning she slapped me because I wouldn’t let her wear mine. Then she collapsed coughing and choking on air. Her immune system has stopped fighting.4

I unclasped my necklace and gently clasped it on her. My lips brushed her cheek, an airy kiss. They came away damp, she was crying. Her tears let loose the storm I held back. Even though they gave her oxygen, her body struggled for air. Her eyes flew open and she began to sit up. I raced into action helping her get upright so she could breathe. There was plenty of air but it wasn’t reaching her lungs. I wanted to help her but my arms didn’t reach the call button. I didn’t want to leave her even briefly so I screamed. 5

After seconds of forever a nurse appeared at the doorway and took one look at my dying sister and brought my parents and the doctor in. I wished I could take some of her pain, I’m her twin so weren’t we supposed to share? An IV attached hand felt for the comfort of her necklace and felt both. She fell back on the hospital bed, and faint words came from her mouth. I leaned closer ignoring my parents standing on either side of the bed and tried to coax her to saying it again. A whisper barely any words at all,” You’re my sister, Ally, half of me. I love you” and as she spoke damp lips brushed my cheek, an airy kiss, a whispered goodbye. “We can’t share everything sis”.16

Author notes

This isn't new but my computer won't let me enter the story from my prewrites so I'm re entering it. It is the same though- and letting you know its a prewrite.
It is a very short story but I felt it was detailed and carried the story well


Option four: make me cry

Favorite song is right now and my favorite letter is Z

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • SpellCaster.KaYa
    September 5
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    Aww, that was so sad...the emotion was expressed really well. I really like it.

  • felanor
    June 7

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    Touched

    I must say, this piece touched my heart. It's written so much emotion that I felt as if it was my sister lying on the bed. Thank you for entering my contest with this gem of a story!

    ~Felanor


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    OMG this was so sad! Again as I say for people writing about cancer, this illness has affected us all deeply. This was amazing.


  • Carina.J.LR
    May 14

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    Aww..thats soooooooooooooooooo sad. (I dont know how to make a crying smilie)

    Thanks for entering and goodluck!

    -Carina


  • Kelly-JayneCullen
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    omgthis was SUPER SAD!!
    And I have a sister I love that much. ic an relate.
    its soooooo sad especially the last line.


  • citcat
    March 1

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    that was a very good story, and it was extremely sad! it was written really well! keep up the great work


  • Maggie Kay
    February 28

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    a very touching moving story.
    It breaks my heart to read this story. The bond between sisters broken
    i love the last line
    "we cant share everything"
    One of the saddest i have read so far
    thanks for entering


  • Cupcake14
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    It was very dark in a way. Usually stories tend to focus on how sad the family feels, including the one who is dying, but you know, that last message her sister whispered to her was really cryptic. Others will call this story "touching" and "emotional", and I think you had intended for the story to be like that too, but both the sisters were a bit loony, in that, "I'm leaving, but I don't want to leave!" way, which is seen everywhere, but is mostly given an emotional touch.
    You will have to make a few small changes in your sentence forming-

    She came to check up on my sister, she left beaten by an eleven year old-She came to check up on my sister, but went away on seeing my freezing glare.

    My leg is asleep and as I move slightly, she twitches-My leg was cramped, and the second I shifted my leg she twitched.

    Chemo-chemo, it's not a proper noun

    My lips brushed her cheek, an airy kiss.-It cannot be an 'airy kiss', 'one last kiss' is better.

    They came away damp, she was crying-I leant back, my lips now damp with tears.


    She is fighting but even Cora might be losing.-Cora is fighting, but losing
    incurable sickness -the incurable sickness

    I really think you should get a critical review for this, there are many more modifications to be made.








  • Silver Dancer silver member
    January 18

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    wow ........ that is sad but beautiful i am going to re read this again and again it is so touching


  • try2changeme
    January 10

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    I loved how you are your sister's keeper there.. it shows the unbreakable bond between two sisters, no matter what happens.The last line is beautiful, and I love what the two necklaces stand for.. good job

  • lovetoloveyou
    January 7

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    This is detailed, descriptive, and very beautiful. It seriously caught my attention...


  • Vanilla King
    January 5

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    Beautiful story. It's written powerfully and the emotions feel real and uncomplicated. I don't know if this happened to you for real or not, but you managed to put it down as if it has. Great job!


  • Kagamine Rin
    November 22, 2008

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    This wasvery detailed and emotional, but mainly descriptive. This is beautifully sad... You can picture all of the moments in your head.it's very powerful.

    However, you did not read my rules!~ Rereadthem, otherwise, this will be DQed.


  • The Wall
    November 11, 2008

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    WOW. An immensly powerfull story with fantastic imagery and emotions. Well written, potent, and tear jerking. Definitly a highlight of the contest so far.


  • Iris Doyle
    September 5, 2008
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    oh my gosh....thats so beautiful! i love this story so much! this is terrifically sad. this didnt really happen did it? i am terrebly sorry if it did. its horrible. i love this story. so amazing. okay im going to stop talking now haha.

    "seconds of forever"

    i loved that phrase. gorgeous. i love anything to do with time. great story

1 - 15 of 15