Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Fifty Two

Then things seemed steady for a week1

Then we went to stay
At my cousin’s house
Just for the weekend
All I needed was an hour
To search the house and find
A functioning scale in the bathroom2

My heart sped up and I felt a tightness
In the center of my chest
as I shut the bathroom door behind me
I quickly shed all my clothes
Including my underwear and shoes
Then I stepped onto the scale3

The number I saw stopped my breath
I had thought I was getting rid of
All the food I was ingesting
I had thought exercising more
Then two hours a day would be enough
I had thought the diet pills might be helping
But the scale never lies
And the number I read didn’t change
Even after I got off and on six times4

The scale was consistently reading
That I actually weighed 93 pound
15 disgusting pounds more
Then I had weighed when we left5

I wanted to cry
I wanted to scream
I wanted to tear at my body
I wanted to rip out all the fat6

I didn’t do any of those things
Instead I walked out of the room
Went straight to the one I was staying in
Lay down on the bed and planned
How I was going to lose the weight7

My plans failed8

Israel passed in a blur of body surfing
In crystal clear turquoise oceans
Of swimming in waterfalls
Of hiking through stunning desert
Of visiting marketplaces and ancient
Cities that were from the biblical time period9

Israel also included a blur of
Times that I got so angry
At myself, my parents, and life
That burst into explosions of my own
Tears and screaming and thrashing
I threw full fledged temper tantrums
that I couldn’t get back in control of
the tantrums scared me but I didn’t
know how to stop or prevent them10

All this happened and I didn’t know
Whether my plans were working or not
I was trying to
Eat less
Purge more
Exercise more11

But then we went back to my cousin’s house
For the last weekend we were spending in Israel
I went straight to the scale
It read nothing less than 101 pounds
For the first time in my life I had hit three digits
I was devastated
Shocked
Horrified
Dismayed12

I didn’t know how it had happened
But when I looked in the mirror
I knew the scale was accurate
My face was swollen and huge
My hips wider and softer
My stomach not concave
My ribs were much less visible13

This time I cried
The tears were silent
As they slid down my
Disgusting chipmunk cheeks14

I had always promised myself
I would never let myself get like this
But it had happened anyway15

A desperation as swollen as my body felt
Filled me so thoroughly and completely
That I could think of nothing else
But how fat and gross I’d gotten16

It was about then that I remembered
The way my parents had gone out
With my cousin to do a last fling of sightseeing17

There was no other option for me
I had to look for diet pills that actually worked
I had to take a whole lot all at once
So I could lose a whole lot all at once18

There were no diet pills in the cabinet19

I did however find a bottle of Advil
Carefully I removed the bottle
From the medicine cabinet
I held it gently in my hand and wondered
Whether I should take it or not
I didn’t have a headache or any ache
Other than a heartache and severe depression
And disappointment in myself and my body20

Nobody was home
I didn’t know how to reach anybody
If there was an emergency
I didn’t even know the emergency phone numbers
That were used in Israel
This was the perfect opportunity
To kill myself properly
Yet something inside me was pulling me back21

Ignore the pull I opened the bottle
I filled my hands with water
And swallow one of the Advil
Then another
And another
And another22

In total I swallowed eight Advil
I didn’t know if that was enough
But I stopped at eight 23

I didn’t feel scared24

I just felt curious
I went into my room
Lay down on the bed
And waited to see if
I would start feeling weird
Or if anything would happen25

I thought about how
We were leaving Israel in 12 and a half hours
I thought about how hopeless I felt
I thought about how much I hated
My body and myself
I wondered if I would die26

I decided that if I felt like
I was starting to get sick or die
Then I would leave the apartment
So my parents and cousin wouldn’t have to
Find my lying there dead27

I would go somewhere where someone
Would be able to find me and call someone
That way my parents would eventually find out
But they wouldn’t have to walk in on my dead body28

I felt ready to die
It was because of more than just my weight
My weight was just what had pushed me
Over the edge I had been teetering on
For more than half my life29

I didn’t get sick30

I didn’t die
My parents came home
With my cousin
They were acting like everything was fine
I dug up a fake smile
And acted like everything was fine too31

We hung out the rest of the day
And then drove to the airport
I still felt fine32

No one ever realized
That I had tried to kill myself
With my cousin’s Advil
So I didn’t say anything33

Back at home34

Things were still
Not so great at all
I was still fat and miserable
And now that we weren’t on vacation
I didn’t quite know what to do with myself35

I could tell Ann and Christine noticed my weight gain
They didn’t say anything about it to me
They didn’t want to feed my eating disorder
But my eating disorder was right there in the forefront anyway36

I rode my bike a lot
And chanted
“I will lose weight, I will burn more calories, I will get skinny”37

Chanting this in my head
While I rode my bike
Made me ride harder and longer and faster38

At my regular doctor’s appointment39

Dr. Kimmens said nothing about the weight gain
I brought up to her and she just said40

“You’re at a healthy weight for your height and age. Don’t worry about the weight gain. I promise you you’re not overweight.”41

Maybe according to her charts
I wasn’t overweight
But according to me
I was beyond obese42

Dr. Kimmens decided to do some bloodwork
Because it had been so long since last time
She filled out the little pink paper
And sent us down to the lab43

I didn’t made the stick of the needle
After the blood work I left with mom
And didn’t think twice about what the results would be44

When the lab called back45

To talk to my mom
They had disturbing news
My blood sugar had sky rocketed
And was now dangerously high46

We went back in to Dr. Kimmens
Who told us that it was probably the Zyprexa
And that I would have to go off of it immediately47

She also said that my blood sugar
Had probably been funky our whole vacation
And that it was probably the reason I had gained
So much weight so fast48

Relief came through me
Like a flood of water
After a drought
I was so happy that my legs wobbled
So I wasn’t just a big fat pig49

I hoped that the weight would peel off quickly
Stopping the evil Zyprexa seemed like a great idea