A young boy stood still as a bunch of kids laughed and pointed at him. His binder had burst open and the contents lay scattered across the floor. A tall broad kid came up out of the group, "Pick up your stuff fag!" The group chanted a laugh. Another boy walking down the hallway glanced over and sighed.1
Walking over to the group he shoved them aside, "Leave him alone you guys." The group mumbled, "Yea two fags alike." The boy helped pick up the scattered book. "Don't mind them they get their pleasure off others pain. I'm Jake." A big grin on his face.2
The other boy stood still in the same place without replying, "You got a name or no?" He glanced over.3
"Justin."4
"Ah, you're that new guy! Nice ta meetcha! Just stick with me I'll get you around, what you got first?" Jake smiled not afraid to be dorky.5
Justin blinked, "Uh.." He pulled out his schedule from his butt-pocket, "Math." He looked back to Jake.6
Jake laughed, "Mrs. Freelock, she is a pretty great teacher. I got US History right beside that you can follow me to your class." Justin smiled, his first friend already, he wasn't expecting so dorky...7
The walked down the hallway Jake looked back, "So where did you move from?" He tripped over himself. "Sorry a bit clumsy."8
Justin couldn't help but smile. "North Carolina."9
Jake stopped a blank stare went on his face. "What is it?" Justin asked.10
Jake just stood and replied, "It's... nothing... nothing." 11
They continued on in silence as they came to Mr. Alson's US History class, "Your class is right next door, C121.. Just meet me outside when class is over."12
Justin waved good-bye as Jake walked into his class with the same blank face on. Justin couldn't help but wonder, but he walked on none the less, stepping into class he was tripped as the same group of kids from before sat scattered around the room. "Great.."13
Author notes
^^ w00t first chapter of a story! Sorry Will add prolouge later.. maybe o.o
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I luffies it
<3333 -
Heh, interesting beginning, a bit cliche I admit but meh - who cares. Cliche or not, I still like it. I think I may know where this will go but... guess I'll have to see, ne?
Only constructive criticism would have to be chapters length, would be nice if it was a bit longer; and the fact you could elaborate on things more. Perhaps more detail, describing people, and setting more - but that's me being picky I s'pose.
Good start as of yet, eager to read on.
Keep it up though, and cool as of yet.
Cheers.
Pride <3beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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interesting start to a story, nice work, it seems like it will get good.
Irilis -
Nice Joe. Has me wanting to read more. So...onward I go!
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sounds good so far off to read some more
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Very good. I don't think i wrote this well at 14 lol Yes there are alot of typos, but it didn't really hurt the story. At least for me. This is a very interesting start, I don't even think a prolouge is needed. Great job.
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o.o... reads more ^^ Good story so far!
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WOw, I like this! I even liked you typos! good job!
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grrrrrreat
GRRRRRRRRRR i wanna know whats going on teehhe
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This sounds interesting. it makes me want to read more. You really got me hooked. This is really good. great job!
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oOo...Now you got me hooked! What's so darn important about North Carolina? Many typos, and it's a bit confusing in some places, but it seems to be a good start.
You can try putting your submissions into Microsoft Word first, and letting the grammar check run through - it might help a bit with making the story flow more. Or not.
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