The story of Love and Razors..

I sit here in my room. I am staring at the dark ceiling, waiting for you to call. I am waiting and waiting. I wait for day's at a time.  I cry out for you. I long to hear your sweet voice, but it's not so sweet to me anymore. Not that I think not, but you dislike me. I know why. I told you I had did it again. I had cut, I had promised you not to. I am so sorry. I tried not to, but I just can't resist....the razor cry's out to me. I need it, I want it. It seems to make the pain stop. It makes me feel good, it numbs me, it's like a high..Just no drugs. God can't save me again, he has saved me too many times, those too many times, they were all your fault. Why do I take you back each and every time?1

I ask myself that everytime I slice, cut, my wrist. Only you know and in some sick way you get pleasure from seeing me rot, rot to hell! "Oh dear Lord, let me lie in my room on my floor, dead". I plead everytime!2

God seems not want me dead! I want to die though! From all this pain you have brought me. Or maybe I brought it upon myself. The urge to have you just wouldn't go away. 3

Suddely I think about it. I feel it's both our faults. I slowly go to my room. I lock the door, with my hands shaking, I think about your face as I reach under my mattress and pull my razor from beneath it. I scream inside my mind and I say "To hell with this all". 4

Then I make the first cut. I laugh with agony, yet so much pleasure. I want to die. I gaze with a soft touch of tears in my eyes. I ponder in astonishment, of how my warm blood feels. I want to feel more upon my skin. I want to put some in a jar for you to see, once I make the last cut, I will be threw.5

Pondering aimlessly, thinking "Should I do it, or not?" It's so hard to decide. Do I want to go on living without you, or die? The choices are limited. I know I will never get you back. Not even through death. This one thing to let go of LIFE..and then there's death. Where will I go? I don't think God will accept me, for I have sinned in killing myself. The devil, oh he is such an evil creature, Yet I have seemed to follow his path for so long. I know if I was to die this instant I would be rejected and go to hell. I'm so scared, I think I might think this through. I just might put the blade back in the drawer,I lock the drawer and cry myself to sleep...6

I had awoken that day with so many pains running through me, I knew I had did wrong that night. I decided to pick up the phone and call you for a reasonable descution, about what I had did wrong, and how sorry I was. How I needed you back, so desperatly. You are the one thing that keeps me clean. The one person who keeps me right. So now we talk..on and on.7

The phone starts to ring, *Ring, Ring, Ring*.."Hello", Oh my it's your sweet voice. "Umm, Hey..Look Look, Don't hang up, I really must talk to you!" I plead. "Alright, go on". I praise God in my mind for letting me talk to you. "Look we really need to talk." "Yes, we do I suppose", you say. "Well, I need to do it in person." Do you think you could come over?"8

"well.." "Look!", I take a huge breath and say "I need to talk to you, and it has to be face to face." "I really need you to understand some things." "Alright then." "Yes, thank you"..I thought that to myself.9

He rushes over and we talk and I explain myself to him without even breathing. I need him back, to be healthy and strong, but most of all ALIVE.10

*Ding*..It's the door bell. Scurry to get it!..I run faster than a race horse!.."Hi, please come in", I say as I graciously open the door. He comes in and takes a seat on my couch. I ask him to come up stairs, where we can talk in private. He immediatly comes. "Robby, you know all those horrible things I did?".. "yes Channa I do." Well, I tried killing myself last night." "Oh God." "But I couldn't, I want to be with you, your the only thing that makes this life worth living." "Oh baby, I thought you would never say it." "Really?!?" oh how I longed to hear him call me baby. "Yes, really." "I can't bare to see you hurt yourslef sweetheart and we need to get you help." "You think so?" "Yes I do, very much so." "And I'll be with you every step of the way"...11

So he was. Thank Goodness for that too. Channa got help and got better.12

herself and Robby are married with three kids, who they tell none of this too. They always love one another and they fight rarely. So that's my story. I hope you liked it.13