Maddy and I were helping Mother wash the dishes when there was a loud shout and the thumping of horse's hooves on the dirt drive. 1
"Ella, will you get the door?" Mother asked, when we heard the sound of rushing feet and a faint pounding on the door.2
"Coming," I called out, drying my sopping hands on a dirty dish-towel.3
I ran towards the small, wooden fromt door. I had to stoop to get the handle.4
When I opened the door, there, standing in front of me, was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life.5
"Come on in." I said, gaping.6
"Thank you." The man said. Then he offered a gloved hand. "I'm Casper." I took it. "Ella." I informed him.7
We shook hands, and I noticed that his hand felt unnaturally cold against his thin glove. I shuddered away from the icy cold and led him into the living room. A string of servants followed him, bowing to me. 8
Mother's head appeared through the door leading into the kitchen. "Oh, hello." She said, surprised. "And you are...?"9
"Casper." He said, offering his hand to Mother. I noticed that she shuddered when she took it.10
"Well, Casper, would you like something to eat?" Maddy asked, poking her head through the door."11
"No, thank you, I'm fine. I brought my preffered meal. Groydin?" A short man stepped forwards and offered him a cup, crowned with jewels. From my angle, I could see that it was filled with a thick, red liquid.12
"Wine." Casper said, noting my stare.13
I nodded mutely.14
When Casper was done, Groydin took the cup back, bowing.15
Casper wiped his gloved hand across his mouth, smacking his lips.16
Mandy seemed to have heard the commotion and had thumped down the stairs. She was gaping at Casper now, I noted gleefully. Her mouth was hanging open like an idiot, and she seemed to be frozen in place.17
But Maddy, Mother, and I had noted this new, dark presence in the house, and we didn't like it.18
"Well," Mother sad, clapping her hands together. "I suppose we ought to get out shopping done. The market closes early on Sundays. Let's go, girls."19
Mother grabbed her basket. 20
Mandy seemed reluctant to tear her gaze away from Casper.21
Mother, however, stared at Casper, her eyes almost glowing as she bored them through the handsome young man.22
"I'm very sorry, but I feel a bit uncomfortable, leaving a few strangers in the house alone. I'm afraid you'll have to visit again sometime.23
Caser smiled easily, showing slightly pointed teeth.24
"We have no intention of leaving, thank you." He said.25
Mother answered back firmly. "We don't have anything valuable in the house but we are just a little bit nervous about leaving a few strangers in the house alone."26
"Then leae one of your daughters with us or stay here yourself."27
Mother bit her lip. Beads of sweat lined her brow. Suddenly, Mother's lip began to bleed.28
Everything happened at once. 29
Casper snarled vicously. Groydin shouted, "No, Master!" The servants backed away.30
But what happened after that was the most terrifying.31
Casper pounced on Mother and kissed her on the lips. With horror I realized he was drinking her blood.32
I screamed. Mandy clutched Maddy's arm. Maddy closed her eyes.33
There was nothing we could do.34
I stuffed my fist in my mouth to stop the screaming. I didn't want Casper to turn on me next.35
I glared at the servants. Why didn't they do anything to stop their crazed master? The vampire? That did it. I leapt forward without thinking. mother was already dead, and Casper was cradling her head in his lap, still kissing her.36
I grabbed a wooden spoon and hit him on the head with as much strength as I could muster. He turned to glare at em, but something in his expressiong softened.37
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I know it's not Cinderellay yet, but still, it will be!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Is that a cliffhanger or what? I am hoping that you plan to continue with this piece. I hope she doesn't end up falling for him; instead, I hope she kills him. After all, he took the life of her mother.
Thank you for entering this in my contest.
I wish you luck in future writerly endeavors,
Lady Editor
Crit:
"Come on in." I said, gaping. [," I said]
"Thank you." The man said. [," the man said.] Then he offered a gloved hand. "I'm Casper." I took it. "Ella." I informed him. [," I informed him.][separate dialogue because two people are talking]
Mother's head appeared through the door leading into the kitchen. "Oh, hello." She said, surprised. "And you are...?" ["Oh, hello," she said, surprised. "And you are...?"]
"Casper." He said, offering his hand to Mother. ["Casper," he said,]
"Wine." Casper said, noting my stare. ["Wine," Casper said,]
When Casper was done [finished his wine], Groydin took the cup back, bowing.
But Maddy, Mother, and I had noted this new, dark presence in the house, and we didn't like it. [Well, took them long enough...]
"Well," Mother sad [said], clapping her hands together.
"I'm very sorry, but I feel a bit uncomfortable, leaving a few strangers in the house alone. I'm afraid you'll have to visit again sometime. [."]
Caser [Casper] smiled easily,
"We have no intention of leaving, thank you." He said. [, thank you," he said.]
"Then leae [leave] one of your daughters with us or stay here yourself."
There was nothing we could do. [Nothing, hmm? Nothing? They could have at least attempted to save their mother!]
He turned to glare at em [me], but something in his expressiong softened.
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This is great! But I agrees with thorn-on-the-rose, why is he visting... Also will this be in chapters? Let me know when you write some more...
LOL Scarlett x
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This is good, but I'm a little lost as to why Casper came visiting, But maybe you explain that in chapters to come. I noticed a few errors...
paragraph 4, 'wooden fromt door.' 'fromt' should be 'front'
paragraph 24, 'Caser smiled easily, showing slightly pointed teeth' you forgot the 'p' in 'Casper'
Other than that, good luck in my contest, and I look forward to reading more =DD
-Dani -
ok...
I like it, alot. The name Casper is so original, though. You had a few mispelled words such as "fromt-front" and "em-me" Other than that, I loved the ending.
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I liked it! I'm gonna read more, but I have school lol. Good for your age. I want to steal the name Casper, if you don't mind. Keep writing.
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Very nice so far, I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this! I love twists on the Cinderella story. Might want to check for typos - misspellings here and there but this is great work!
. Rewarded 4
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yay!
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LOVE IT! cant wait for more!
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hhhmmm
shocking.
good but shocking.
Great work
*runs to the next chapter*
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WOW...
Not Cinderella-y yet, but definatley something! No it isn't your average fairy-tale, is it?
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