Étoile Amour1
The fireworks explode over your head and send a shower of stars upon you. You lean back, enjoying the view of the clashing colors and the girl sitting further down. She radiates with joy, and he lightly tugs on a gold strand of hair. She is unspeakably breathtaking. Up there, God is surely missing an angel. 2
“Yeah, Noam?” her lilting voice floats over to you, taunting you. She's with him not you. She’s with Noam (who the hell names their kid Noam?). Your heart thuds painfully as you see Noam take her face in his hands and lightly kiss her nose. Thud, thud, there goes your heart.3
“Damn sophomore,” you growl, temper rising. “What does he think he’s doing to her?” Your question is met with cold, disheartening silence. 4
You close your eyes, frantically trying to contain the anger that is bubbling up, and then she laughs. What she’s laughing at probably isn’t grandiose or anything close to it. But, as long as she laughs, you’d be happy. The bubbling goes away. 5
The truth is… you watch her. You watch her all the time. It’s so hard to watch someone you love being held by another, but you just have to deal with it. It doesn’t work, but it keeps you from throwing yourself at him and ripping him apart for just looking at her. The emotions well up and you can’t keep it under control.6
The loud popping fireworks drag you back to reality. Back where she isn’t yours, back where the fireworks mean everything, and back were another girl waits for you. Fuck fate; this wasn’t supposed to happen.7
“Tony?” Her flippant voice pulls your gaze away from the two lovers and onto… what was her name? Shannon, yeah that’s her name. Shannon is a wild and carefree girl but she isn’t Joan. She was what you wanted three months ago, someone who likes ‘action’ and not words. You had gotten ‘action’ but something was missing. Joan.8
“What, Shannon?” 9
“I was just wondering do you want to go somewhere tonight.” Her query was accompanied by a flutter of the eyes and her tugging her tight shirt lower to reveal the top of a black, lacy bra. Maybe three weeks ago you would have taken her right there, but not now. You gulp. Your friends loudly wolf-whistle as Shannon (known as ‘the junior’ to your friends) slides her hand on your knee. You shudder. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. 10
“Shannon,” you start, increasingly aware that Joan and Noam were still watching the fireworks and she was leaning against him. “I really want to watch the fireworks this one last time before I go off to college. You know, as a moving on thing.” 11
You quickly try to come up with an excuse that would allow you a couple more glances in Joan’s way. It sounds stalkerish in your head but it doesn’t matter anymore. Your playboy reputation doesn’t matter. Joan was worth it, even if it meant destroying your reputation that you had painstakingly built ever since you entered high school (four long years ago). 12
“But, baby,” she pouts, and (if it was possible) pulls her shirt lower. But, you aren’t paying attention. The fireworks are still exploding overhead. Their sparks could even make the stars jealous; maybe that is the reason why they weren’t showing tonight. You tilt your head back and just stare at the flashing skies, wishing that the stars would bid you farewell one last time. 13
“Shannon. You knew that this relationship would end when I went off to college and you remained at high school,” you say, voice cold. “For once, lay off and let me watch the fireworks.” 14
She shut up.15
After a few moments you brave another look at where Joan and Noam are sitting and freeze when you see them lying on the ground together. Her hair has fallen in front of her eyes and it irks you. It’s as if she is trying to hide from you.16
“Shit,” you growled and crush your beer can into a small ball. You can’t take this game anymore. You’re tired of the days where she is laying in the sophomore’s arms and not yours. Just so tired of seeing Shannon’s face pop up every where you go.17
“Tony, where are you going?” Shannon whines from her position on Kevin’s red Sedan. This girl could schmooze to anybody and get her way. This girl easily switched men like someone switching a light bulb on and off. But you didn’t feel anything. There is no malevolent thought ready to find its way out of your mouth. Nothing, nada, zip. There is no urge to wring Kevin’s little neck until he bled. You could have lived your life without dating Shannon and nothing would be different. 18
“Off to take a breather.” She makes a move to come next to you. “Alone.” And you make your way out of the packed clearing. You walk away from the clearing that held her fragrance, her laughter, and, most importantly, away from her. 19
Your blue truck stands alone in a far corner and you find your feet making their way over. “Today,” you find yourself telling it, “sucks. Really, I’m in love with this girl and she doesn’t even see me. She’s too busy falling for that asshole of a guy.” The fireworks have stopped but you don’t pay attention. All that matters is pouring your heart out to an inanimate object. Slowly, you lean against your car, your head against the cold metal door. 20
“God, why couldn’t I have just been earlier?” you aimlessly mumble into the door. “I feel sick.”21
“Are you OK?” a timid voice calls out from behind you. A familiar voice. A voice you have heard in your dreams. You spin around to face Joan. It was Joan without the sophomore, Noam. 22
“Hey!” You jump, startled by the loudness in her voice. “You’re the senior who helped me when I was lost. You’re the cool guy who actually helps us!” Her winsome voice puts a smile on your face.23
“Us?” An amused tone creeps into your voice. 24
“The freshmen. Don’t tell me you forgot who I am.” No, how could you forget her? She’s only been haunting your dreams ever since last January. 25
“I remember you. You were angrily kicking your locker only to have it dump almost everything onto your head. Oh, and you threw your empty Coke can at Shannon’s head.” You lightly laugh at how pink her face turns. 26
Even from here you can see the freckles that cover her pale face. Her dark gray eyes call out to you. They remind you of a cloudy fall storm right before the skies unleash a fury of rain upon the world. But, those eyes are so different from the salacious eyes you see lustily looking you up and down, Shannon’s eyes. 27
“Oh, haha. Yeah, you were there. I remember you laughed so hard at ‘the bitch’ oh… I mean Shannon’s expression that you fell off your chair. And later, you gave me another Coke can and told me to try it again.” You found her pensive expression cute and the ache in your heart disappears. And you remember, this is the reason you love her so. 28
“And I recall,” You add, “that you did attempt to throw the full Coke can again but to only have it explode when it hit the ground.” Her laugh was a sound that could make an angel weep. It was a thought that shouldn’t cross a guy’s mind but you were in a star-kissed love. So, the omnipotent beings could make an allowance.29
“Oh, yeah, I remember that.” There was a comfortable silence during which you busy yourself memorizing her face, the quirky smile you had always seen in the hallways, and even the key earrings hidden behind her hair. “What college did you choose?” Ah, you think, so she does know that this is probably your last time seeing each other.30
“University of Iowa.” 31
“Good luck.” The sincerity in her voice gives you the chills. No one speaks with that emotion. No one.32
“Thanks.”33
“Earlier, when you were mumbling to yourself… What was wrong?” You smile a small smile that she probably can’t see. But, the smile is still there. 34
”I need some advice,” you brusquely state, not caring if it is a freshman you’re talking to.35
“What?”36
“I’ve been watching this girl for the longest time and I think I’m in love with her.” There is silence as Joan seriously ponders this question. Her brow is furrowed in a concentrated look. You think she looks gorgeous.37
“Well, tell her.” Joan’s voice is strong, as if there is no room to argue. “Why lose precious time wondering when you could just tell her?” 38
A smirk presents itself on your face and you find your soul soaring. Yeah, she may not be your girlfriend but there was always a chance. “Thank you.” You turn around to make your way into your car. 39
“Wait,” she calls out, and when you turn around she is right in front of you. Joan’s a little short or you’re a little tall but, it doesn’t matter. Her sweet scent wafts up and a little bit of her hair tickles your chin. Joan smells of wet grass and a summer breeze. She smells like an angel ought to. 40
“Yes?”41
“Can I… have your phone number?” You’re taken back by her question and a thousand thoughts swirl through your head. 42
“Since you’re off to college and were such a great friend, I though we could keep in touch. You know… ” she drifted off, a faint blush on her cheeks. Wordlessly, you stick your hand out, beckoning for her cell phone. 43
Once the numbers were exchanged you smile again. “Let me test to make sure you didn’t program the wrong number.” You quickly open your cell phone and scroll to her number. Soon, you text her a private message and bid her farewell. 44
As you pull out of the parking lot in your blue truck she comes running after you. “You bastard! It took you this long to finally tell me?” You could tell that she is laughing. “And when you go to college too! Screw you Tony!” Joan chucks an empty Coke can at your window. It lightly smacks into your door and falls on the ground in a jumbled heap. 45
Once you get a reasonable distance you pull over and rest your head against the steering wheel. And you re-read the message you sent her.46
“‘Remember when you told me to tell the girl I loved her? Well I just did.’” And you laugh so hard that you begin to cry. Or maybe you cry so hard you begin to laugh. It’s all a blur. Soon tears are falling from your eyes as you drive home. 47
Epilogue48
Everything is finally moved into your new apartment and you sit back and look over your handiwork. A cool breeze finds its way into your apartment and tousles your hair. It reminds you of Joan. 49
A hard knock on the door pulls you out of your musings and you run to answer it. Maybe it’s the pizza that you’re ordered so long ago. 50
“How much—“ the question dies in your throat when you see who is standing in front of you. It is Joan, and she was holding a pizza box.51
“One pizza for Mr. Tony,” Her quirky smirk is back.
Author notes
Thanks for reading! Try commenting! ;]
I am peach leaves.
The title reads Star Love. Or Love Star. And it's in french. 'Cause I didn't want to write Star Love in English. That would be so dreary. ;]
Written in second person so I can get some more experience writing in differnt styles. Feel free to inform me what is hard to understand. Also, I hardly write in guy's perspective... 'cause I really don't know how they think. I hope to get over that road block. *gets a bull dozer out*
I do realize I have a ton of past and present tense problems. If you could point some out and tell me how I could fix it, that would rock. Or if you have a method to keep them right, it would totally rock. Thanks!
Sorry if this was a little light and not what you were looking for. It DOES have some romance in it and it does include high school students. It streches the prompt but I think it's OK.
DEDICATED: To those with (or without) a boyfriend/girlfriend but who has gotten the courage to tell the person.
Cheers,
Sky
Edited:
- 9/2
- 9/3 (Thank you Nocturne!) *third time*
- 9/9 (Thank you Gezza!)
In a list
A contest entry
- Prompt ^^ by DeathNoteYaoi.
240 points, ended September 8, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Great Storywrite Champion - Round One - Open to All. by Kevan.
135 points, ended October 7, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - High School Romance by Melli.
230 points, ended October 10, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Going for Gold! by Neolittlefish.
150 points, ended October 21, 2008, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ by Just Breathe..
175 points, ended January 27, 32 entries
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600 points, ended January 16, 101 entries
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160 points, ended January 27, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
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Like it? Don't like it? Be specific!
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I think you did a fabulous job with the details! I could see the story unfolding very well. It was odd to see it from the eyes of a guy, though...but it worked, mostly.
The one thing I have an issue with is Joan; she's a freshman in high school and she's that mature? Hmm. Also, that makes her, what, 14? And she can go stand in for a pizza delivery guy? That's kinda creepy, actually.
Does she have actual parents? 
Also, it seemed odd that she was lying on the ground with the soph and then all excited over the graduating senior moments later.
But maybe that's what high school's all about. It's been awhile for me, I admit. 
The story was excellent; thanks for entering my contest.
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Thank you.
Ooooh, thanks for pointing that out! :] Actually, she's 15. End of Freshman year = 15/16 years old. :] (I believe you can start working at 14 once your get your 'working' thing. Ahh, I don't know).
Good luck in the contest!
cheers
peach leaves
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This is a wonderful story! It's soooo cute and sweet. I really like this story. Great, great job and good luck in my contest!!
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Thank you. :] I'm glad you liked it. (Sorry for the delayed comment!)
Cheers,
peach leaves
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Very romantic and a lovely storyline you've got there. It just made me want to go awww, in places. Just one small thing, I did say no swearing in the contest rules, but you didn't do it alot so i'll overlook it
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Thank you. I'm sorry for not remembering that I had swears. D: Thanks.
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oh my!!!! Very very good. I like thw whole YOU thing. Lol, but yess i do like it. I don't feel like typing much biut i really liked it. good job and good luck!!!
KEEP WRITING!!
-Melli<33 -
AWWW! what romantic, sweet story. I simply adored it. and i hated noan, andim sure thats exact;y the emotion u were hoping to send thru the reader. You have a very interting style, and Ive never actuallyr ead a piece with the whol "you" tense. its very interesting. You know exactly how to describe brilliantly and how to evoke particular emotions into your readers. I could picture Joan exactly, I could smell her and make out fromt he start exaclt what kind of person she was, all thanks to your descriptions. For being so short, it defineltey is wonderful. I loved it!
good job!
xoxo -
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Thank you! :] I'm so glad you saw what I saw! I guess I did it correctly!
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Back Down Memory Lane
What a wonderful story! It was soft and sweet and reminded me of my first college romance.
I think that taking me back to a time in my life when I felt the same way is what I like most about this story.
Thanks for the trip back down memory lane!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you! :] I'm always happy when someone can connect to something I've written. It makes me feel... special!
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Me likey likey!
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Thank you! :]
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Nice romance
Hi there.
You have given yourself a pretty tough task of using the second person as your style. This shows by you wandering off your tense quite a bit - it shows that it doesn't come naturally to you, which is not surprising, because it isn't natural for most writers. Nevertheless, I don't mind the style for this story, and I think it works.
I like the fireworks as the backdrop to the majority of the story - I may be reading too much into it, but it seems allegorical (am I right?).
I like your descriptions of how the main character feels for the girl - you use nice descriptions and they flow well, and seem natural for a star-crossed lover.
I have presented a fair amount of edit-comments; I hope you don't mind.
par 4 - comma after "temper rising" should be a full stop.
par 5 - possibly use a semicolon after "buggling up", to assist with the change of direction in the sentence. Tense could be skewy in the second sentence - perhaps better as "What she's laughing at probably isn't grandiose..." - just to keep it consistent. You may want to consider "But, as long as she laughs, you're happy."
para 6 - an ellipsis (...) is normally followed by a space.
para 7 - suggest a semicolon after "fate" instead of a comma.
para 8 - "her flippant" should be "Her flippant" - you are starting a new sentence, not identifying the speaker. ditto on ellipsis. Did you intend a question mark for "what was her name."? You need a comma after "carefree girl". I sort of feel that "but not Joan" isn't quite articulated correctly - should it be something like ""but she isn't Joan" - something more emphatic.
para 10 - "but not now" - not grammatically incorrect, but stylistically you might want to have it emphasized - this could be done by making it a separate sentence, of separating it from the rest of the sentence with ellipsis, semicolon.
para 11 - "you were" is a bit clumsy - probably better just to get rid of the two words. tense issues later (partly as a result of the suggested change) - could be corrected to "...increasingly aware that Joan and Noam are still watching teh fireworks and she is leaning against him."
para 12 - "fervently" isn't quite the right word for what you intend - this word is usually used in the context of warmth or passion, while what you want is something desperate. Add "in" before "Joan's way." Playboy should not be a proper noun.
para 13 - "Baby" isn't normally a proper noun in this context. comma after "pouts". Don't think you need a comma after "But". "fireworks where" should be "fireworks are". "why they weren't" should be "why they aren't". "You tilted" should be "You tilt". "stared" should be "stare".
para 14 - The second sentence is a little clumsy; wordy. The full stop after "high school" should be a comma, and "You" should be lower case, as this is a continuation of the sentence. You might want to consider "She shut up." being another paragraph, to emphasise the mood.
para 15 - "braved" should be "brave" and "were" should be "are" (tense). Similarly "froze" should be "freeze" and "saw" should be "see".
para 16 - First sentence should read: "Shit," you growl, and crush your beer can into a small ball.
para 17 - "whined" should be "whines". Not sure "scoffed" is right, as it is used to qualify dialogue or represent dialogue. No comma needed after "But". "There was" should be "There is". Same applies to the next sentence.
para 19 - "In this scenario it’s your navy blue truck." seems superfluous.
para 20 - "You" should be lower case.
para 21 - not sure you need to describe Noam as a sophomore anymore.
para 23 - "an" should be upper case because you are starting a new sentence.
para 26 - "eyes were" should be "eyes are".
para 28 - "You" should be "you". Tense is a bit all over the place - leave it to you to fix.
para 29 - "busied" should be "busy".
para 34 - comma after "advice" and "You" should be "you".
para 36 - Tense again - try: "There is silence as Joan seriously ponders this question. Her brow is furrowed..."
para 39 - comma after "calls out".
para 41 - ditto on ellipsis.
para 42 - semicolon should be a comma.
para 44 - should be "she is laughing". "chucked" should be "chucks".
para 45 - The quote should end in a single quote. "began" should be "begin".
para 49 - "pulled" should be "pulls". "you're" should be "you've". "so long ago" seems inappropriate.
para 50 - "died" should be "dies". Try "It is Joan, and she is holding a pizza box."
para 51 - The quote should end in a full stop and "her" should be "Her".
Thanks for allowing me to read and critique your work.
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I edited it all and I really thank you for taking the time! :] Sorry for all the editing and tenses wrong. As you could tell second person isn't really my forte.
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Hey, don't be sorry... this is all a learning process and I chose to help you along... so you never imposed anything on me! Good luck with your future writing!
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Oh gosh! Thanks for taking the time to seriously help me! *hugs* Ahem, haha. :] Thanks. I'll get around to editing those!
Cheers,
Sky
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Yay! That was really cute!
Man...for some reason this one really gets to me...maybe cause I can relate to the guy with this one boy in my life. He doesn't know it either, maybe I should text him too.
Haha. anyway, it was interesting to see a second person view point. I haven't read one in a really long time. Kudos on pulling it off wonderfully. It isn't an easy thing to do let me tell you!
your french is correct. Did you use babblefish or something? Cause that's the best translator I've found so far.
<3 Lolo -
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Thank you! :] GO text that boy, go text him nooow! *throws a cell phone your way*
Second person screwed me up *drools*. D:
I used the dictionary.com one. :] Babblefish hates my spanish.
Cheers,
Sky
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Hi Lisa,
A few editing notes:
2: First sentence is past tense. The rest of the story is present; it needs to be changed. Comma after "She radiates with joy"
3: "lifts itself over your way" reads awkwardly.
4: "silence, cold" odd structure.
5: Shift in tense again.
7: "Back where she isn’t yours, back where the fireworks mean everything, and back were another girl awaits you." is a fragment. New paragraph for the dialogue. "but not Joan" needs to be reworded to be grammatical.
9: "I was just wondering" comma here. Friends? I didn't knew there were people around close and watching.
10: tense shift again. And what reputation?
11: Tense shift again.
13: "After a few moments I braved another" You keep shifting between I and You. I think it might be best to pick first person to second person narration and stay with them.
some more tense shifts - just read the story from the bottom up and change everything to either past or present.
14: "You could have lived my life without " You, my?
16: Dialogue should have a new paragraph. Same in 18. Also you have a / instead of a period.
24: silence in which -> during which
32: loose -> lose
33: new paragraph for dialogue.
And awww, very sweet and wonderful. It's a great story. Most of the stuff I spotted are just editos and small iffies. This is a n awesome story!
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Ah, thanks for checking it! I have some problems with past and present tense and forgetting. So, it may take some time to clear those mistakes up. Thanks for taking the time out and helping me!
*hugs*
Sky
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Yeah courage
Haven't we all been there? Had one that I always regret not telling the obvious. I knew she wanted to hear it but was too unsure of myself and what the answer might be. Oh, I was a senior and she a sophmore!
I stumbled over the text a little but otherwise enjoyed the piece and your light hearted style.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Thanks! Glad to see that others can connect to this!
Could you point out the parts where you had troubles? Or was it the fact that it was in second person? -
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Easier the second go round
There were only three times that the person changed and you inserted "I" rather than staying in second person. (Ex., It was a thought that shouldn’t cross a guy’s mind but I was in a star-kissed love. ) Couple other typos that were not significant but confused the teacher in me (The fireworks explode over your head and sent a shower of stars upon you) Should either be "exploded - sent" or "explode - send". Critique aside, I always love to read you. -
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Thanks for catching my mistakes. Could you point out where the other parts with the 'I' problems are? Control F doesn't really help. :]
Thanks for commenting again!
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Can you give my a highschool romance then ? you know drama cheating you name it,but then should be two loves with one person ^^ good luck
DNY--
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