No More Tomorrows For Ashley

"You have to be kidding me," I laughed nervously into the phone that one horrific day to my best friend Paul. "This isn't funny. You know this isn't funny. It's just sick so shut up!"1

"John, calm down," he croaked to me over the line. He sounded sick. I was feeling a bit unwell myself. "You know I wouldn't joke about something like this. She's at the North Union Med. You better go say good-bye. Ashley is dying."2

I hung up, before he heard me gasp for breathe. Before he heard my gagging dry heave. Before he heard me fall apart. 3

Ashley was dying.4

But she couldn't be.5

This had to be a nightmare. But I couldn't seem to wake up. And I felt like I was drowning crushed by my own realization.6

I'd come to the conclusion that I wasn't dreaming.7

I ran out to my car, and got in. I sped the whole way there. And I got t the door of the hospital. And I paced there for an hour before I could pull myself together enough to go in.8

I quietly asked the receptionist where her room was, and then I walked there slowly. The hallway never seemedto end. I didn't want it to. I wanted to see her, but I didn't. I didn't want to see her like this.9

When I got there her parents quietly stepped out of the room leaving me alone with Ashley.10

She was gorgeous as ever, but in a tragic horrible way. I choked back my tears as her eyes were just barely open. She was awake, but you could tell she was fading fast.11

"Hi, John," she whispered weakly, smiling in a way that made me smile back despite the grim situation. She always had a way of making me smile even when I didn't think I could.12

"Shh, Ashley," I whispered back.13

I pulled a chair up to her bedside, and held her hand. And for the longest time we just sat there.14

Then she whispered my name.15

"John."16

"I'm here," I replied. "What is it?"17

"I love you."18

Her head fell limp, and her hand felt different. I dropped it and I screamed.19

I'd never seen death before. Not in anyone, and definitely not in my best friend. 20

Even in death she was beautiful. And she smiled an soft angelic smile. She almost looked like she was about to laugh. But this wasn't funny. It may have been to her, but not to me.21

She had loved me. That I had known. She'd had a crush on me for years, but I'd never felt anything more than a sibling love for her.22

Or had I?23

As I stood over her open coffin the next day she looked amazing.24

But she always did.25

She never thought she did.26

Was that why this happened?27

Because she thought she wasn't pretty, because she thought she wasn't good enough.28

Couldn't help but blame myself fo her suicide. I should have been there, I wshould have known. I should have seen the signs. If I had been there for her then she wouldn't be laying here in front of me, in her coffin, as pale as new fallen snow, and as beautiful as any angel ever could be.29

I brushed her cheek with my hand. It felt cold and wrong.30

Why hadn't I brushed it more often during her lifetime. Why did I feel this strange urge to hold her tight now that she was dead.31

I couldn't undo this. I couldn't undo this now.32

But I wished with all my heart I could. 33

And standing here over her coffin, my hand on her soft, cold cheek, it finally hit me.34

I had loved her. I had loved her all along.35

I had loved her so much it had scared me. 36

And so I hid away my feelings thinking that I'd always have tomorrow to act.37

But I didn't. And maybe if I hadn't put it off there would be a tomorrow for Ashley.38

Maybe if she knew someone had cared.39

Maybe I could have stopped her.40

They say suicide is a choice, and alway the person's choice. No one else can stop them.41

But that's a lie. 42

If I had done SOMETHING, ANYTHING at all, right now we'd be going to the mall, or havign a picnic in the park. 43

But Ashley was no more.44

There won't always be a tomorrow, for you or me or anybody.45

There might be, but is that a risk worth taking?46

I cried my tears falling from my face to hers, the realizations final and cold.47

There will be no more tomorrows for Ashley.