*Looks at Map* How the hell did I get HERE?

I have been missing from SW for a while now. And most people were wondering where I went.1

I'm here, well under the radar and looking to stay ghost for a bit. When it's pointed out that not even faking anymore is working, then why bother trying? Easier on everyone if I just stay away till I can either fake it again so you guys buy it, or can actually stop being...2

What was the words again?3

Plainly Miserable and Obviously Hurting.4

Wow. Am I really? I have been trying too hard for so long that I didn't even realize that I was upset and angry, bitter and sad- I really thought I was content. Okay even.5

See, there are people here on this site who...thinking why were my friends pointed out that I am in obvious denial over the fact that I am not fine. That I am not okay. And why? Because they seemed to think it was their right to keep telling me over and over 6

and over7

and over 8

AND OVER again9

That I needed some help. That I needed to talk to someone. 10

Want to hear the punch line? I was fine. I really am Fine! 11

But, I must not be since SO many people seem to think that I am down and out. Bottom of the barrel. Scraping knees in life. Gee, that sucks. Well, lucky you guys were able to be here to point it out- or else, where would I be? Oh, right, probably not freaking out so bad. So now I am wondering if so many people can see that I am not okay, even though I thought I was, maybe I am not. Does that even make sense? I just don't know. And now I am NOT okay because I am wondering what the hell is not okay about me enough that everyone had to point it out. So, I guess it's true now... I am not okay.12

Thanks again.13

Oh and in case you missed it-14

Screw you.15

The End.16

EDIT~17

Actually, not that's not it. You people keep telling me to stop living life for others, that I need to live for me. Only, you mean start being more selfish and doing things for myself, and stop wasting so much time, energy, and ...basic life... on pleasing other people. I was asked what I did for myself, what made me happy? Making other people happy makes me happy. I don't get why you (=-my friends-=) can't seem to get this. I don't know what makes me happy other than making someone's life easier, prettier, more joyful, whatever. THAT makes me happy.18

Back to the point~ you say stop that. You say do for you! What you don't get is that I =~-AM-~= living for other people. Actually LIVING. I stay alive for my friends- do you even understand that I mean? I am still here, not for me or for what I want. I stay here, around, alive for my friends, my family. I am only living because I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. I don't want a single person to lament the fact that I am gone when all I have to do to avoid that is simple-19

Keep Living.20

Which, is actually not that simple. Nor is it that enjoyable. I have (problems?, issues?, traumas? ??) things. Lots of things. Things that I don't like about me, about my situation, about school, work, family, friends, customers, ex's, never beens. I have stress. Yes yes, poor Melissa, so stressed. Poor thing can't handle it.21

Yes, really, I know how weak I am. I know that I am flawed and a burden because I really can't handle it. Stress- aww, I am so pathetic because it's piling up and I am not making an leeway and god damnit if I don't while all the time. I rant and bitch and whine and mope and you know what gets done?22

Nothing. Big goose egg, fat lotta squat, nil, zilch, nada. Nothing.23

Nothing gets fixed, or straightened out or anything. And the few fleeting moments of peace I get from getting it mostly off my chest are nothing-because in less time than I want to admit to, the problems, issues, traumas, the things come back. Sometimes worse than before. Sometimes a lot worse. And what can I do? Can't exactly bitch some more, no one has the time. The patience. I know I don't- I am so sick of my own whining that there are times that I find peace outside of myself. And is that healthy? No. Not at all. Still do it though, because that constant whine that you get for a few hours is always there in my head! Always! I have tried to block it out and all that does is make me thing that I am okay.24

Which leads us back to the start of the labyrinth. Where I am no longer able to maintain my fake happy. I have been infiltrated. Sieged. Overrun. Ruined. I became lazy because I was stuck- I felt that I was okay.25

But I really wasn't. I'm really not. And I'm more than a little angry that my shroud of disillusionment was stripped away without warning or preamble. Now I am worse off than before, because I don't even remember how to open the door to start this maze over again. I'm just- 26

Stuck.27

Great.