Glass Angel

“I am the author of my life, but I am writing in pen, & I can’t erase my mistakes.”1

- Manaswita Ghosh.2

* * *3

It was well past midnight. Ten to four. Sanvi tried to sleep again.4

“Stop fighting losing battles” a little voice said inside her head.5

She sat up. Tired from it all. Tired of life. Tired of thinking & thinking and not reaching any conclusion. Tired of pondering. & above all, too tired to think it all again.6

Do you know what the hardest moment in life is?7

The hardest moment in life is when you fail to understand yourself. When you don’t get what that little voice inside tells you. When you have to ponder silently, searching answers within yourself. When you realize there is actually a very little difference between uncertainty & the certain. When you don’t know what life holds for you. When there is a thin line between reality & dream . . . nightmarish may it be.8

Sanvi stared blankly at the wall before her, considering a moment. She then reached out to her pillow & took out 2 letters crumpled under it, soft & torn at the ends from being read & reread. She opened the more torn one very carefully.9

She had written it when she was 11. . . And had read it out to the dying lady she loved the most in her little world. . . her love. Her Mother.10

“. . . dear mother11

You are the best among all,12

When you smile that smile of yours13

Silent stars seem to fall.14

Your voice seems gentle as the wind15

And like god fairy you wipe away my tears16

You are with me through all my times17

Silently reasoning all my fears18

Your goodness sparkles so strong19

Guiding me all through the way20

Like a lost ship in the ocean21

With just a star lighting its way22

However may you scold me mother,23

You are above the rest put together,24

I love you as you are25

You are my angel; my dear mother. . .”26

“Promise me dear you’ll never let him shed a tear . . . your father. . .”27

“Promise you’ll never cry. . .”28

“Promise you’ll take good care of your granny . . . Aunt Shalini & Adarsh.”29

“Promise you’ll talk to me every night, even when there is nothing to tell at all. . .”30

“I’ll be there. The brightest star you can see. . . “31

And she was gone. A place from where no one comes back. Ever. The brightest star in the bright – blue sky. . .32

* * *33

Sanvi was the only daughter of her parents. Born with a silver spoon; they said. Never had she known what tears were . . . perhaps the only occasion she had shed some drops were when she was born . . . perhaps.34

Life is never stagnant. When you feel everything is going just fine (or downhill, whatever), life takes a U- turn & brings you where you might have never expected to be. Things are never the same. Every sunny day has the dark night gliding behind it . . . every burning lamp has a dark space under it which it never lights up. . .every laughter has a sob hidden somewhere. . .every celebration has a silence veiled underneath. . .35

Every tear has its own story.36

Its own story of victory over some innocent laugh.37

And so with every laughter Sanvi shook with, little glass angel marked it upon her book.38

* * *39

It was dark and raining when she got back home. From her painting classes. All drenched from the rain. She along with her sheets, colours off her scenarios. As she went inside the house, she left a trail of water behind.40

“Granny, where are you?”41

No one replied her in the darkness.42

Sanvi strode across the hall and onto her granny’s room.43

“Gran. . .” she shut up abruptly.44

She could hear voices coming from her grandmother’s room. But the tranquility in them made her curious. What possibly was going on inside? Something inside her told not to go banging inside; stay silent, you’ll gain more by that.45

Slowly she peeped through the silver lining between the door and the wall. She saw her father and grandmother; talking in low voices, it seemed they were discussing something very confidential. Con- fi-den-tial. 46

“But do you think its going to be all right?” she could hear her father saying, sounding worried.47

“Yes. I am sure. . . .” replied her granny,48

“She’ll never accept Shalini.”49

“If I have known my granddaughter, she will.”50

There was a pause.51

“ Every girl needs a mother at some point. Sanvi too does. It’s sad to see a motherless child like that all her life, all alone . . .”52

Sanvi stopped dead. What numbness could do at times.53

So was this in store for her now? To have a stepmother? She had wondered at times for the strangeness in her dad & granny for the last few days, but wasn’t aware of why? Now that she had known, what will she do? Go against them? Or keep mum & let them take away the little left sunshine from her life? How could they do this to her? Did they not love her mother the way she did? Did they not want her happy? How very easily were they talking about replacing her mother for some other woman? Not any other woman dear, she’s your aunt.54

Ms.Shalini, as Sanvi had known her, was the managing head of their farm, in Dalhousie, and that’s where they lived. Sanvi liked her, she was nice indeed. She was a widow & had a son about 8 years old; Adarsh. Her husband; Ashvin; a very close friend of her father’s, who once headed the post of the managing head; had died of cancer few years back, when Adarsh was still a baby. She had completely broken from that disaster & was never the same. It was then that her parents had supported a lot, helping her out of the trauma, enabling her to go on with life & create a sunny future for her little boy. Slowly over the years, Shalini had learnt to overcome her grief. Sanvi loved Shalini & Adarsh a lot.55

Whatever comes, it comes with full blow, to make its arrival felt. Hardly a year had passed after this shock that another came by. Sanvi’s mother died. In a car accident which had left her paralyzed; partially. Day by day, she lay on her hospital bed. Watched the black shadows approaching her to take along; very soon. The only moving parts were her lips and eyes . . . which, it seemed, the devil had spared out of seer pity, granting her last wish to talk to her daughter as she took her last breaths. And with her death, Ashvin died again. Grief towered the two torn apart families. After her death, her father had given his best to fill up the vacuum in her life; as a father & mother. Why then did he not think it that important to take her wish into consideration? Why hadn’t he asked her once? Why? Whatever the matter be, it had never struck to her that anything like this could happen! Ms.Shalini & become her mother? No way!56

Mummy, I’ll never tolerate this.57

She had had the shock of her life. Outside her grandmother’s room. In her drenched clothes. With dripping soggy sheets in her hands. Her hair sticking onto her face. After a while she realized the sudden hotness on her cheeks. Fierce salty drops had made their way of her eyes. Uninvited. 58

Little glass angel smirked on her way.59

* * *60

the d-day came & went.Everyone at home seemed very happy about it. . .or were they pretending?whatever may be,all had failed to find a way to the heart of the 16 year old. A pretty girl in a white dress. Glass-eyes glistened with dewdrops. She stood staring at the huge portrait of her mother over the fireplace. A silent portrait. With terrible secrets. Her mother looked happy, content with all worldly possessions she owned then. Content with a happy home, an angel for a daughter, and above all, the loving heart of her husband. Had she managed to own it completely? The heart? Every nook and corner of it? Had she managed to fill his thoughts altogether? That was she the only one he could ever think of when alone? Sanvi didn’t know.61

But she had known one thing very well. She didn’t love him anymore. The man she called her father. He had cheated her along with the brightest star that lighted the sky 5 years ago. . .62

Can you see it all Mummy? And are you sighing? And shedding secret burning tears?63

The tears that Sanvi had shed, almost every night. Without the knowledge of her father and the old lady. Perhaps the only thing they ever encountered was the stiffness in her when granny had confirmed her worst fears . . . the truth in what she had overheard. Tears came later. Tears no longer full of hopelessness or fear. They had seer hatred that of blazing fire. The ones that now had taken the form of that silent monster which seeked for a mere chance to strike?64

Death and separation were inevitable. Everyone knows the end comes someday, but they live like there’s no end. Forever. Nothing is forever. This sadness which cling to her like her own shadow. Inseparable. Unavoidable. It seemed she had grown up with it. Like sisters. Mourning together and crying. Afraid being gifted with another grief. Afraid laughing out too loud. Afraid sharing one happy moment a while, scared it’ll be snatched too, someday. May will it be gone someday too? This sadness? If nothing is forever? She heaved a sigh and looked away.65

Yes, maybe it’s gone. She’ll have a new mother from now on. And a little brother too. From this very day. Someone snatching what had been her mother’s most priced possession for years. Her husband’s heart. May not be the whole.66

“. . . Even in the darkness67

There is always a hope of light68

Just listen to what your heart says69

And god will set everything all right. . .”70

May it hold true. 71

May little glass angel never get a reason to smirk again.72

* * *73

3 months had passed. The same old house yet it wasn’t. The air seemed lighter yet it clouded the heart of the teenaged girl living in it.74

The other day when she had gone out with her new mother, Shalini had made it a point to get her favorite flowers. White Gladiolas. Sanvi loved them. Shalini knew it.75

“You like these don’t you dear?” Shalini held out a thick bunch of them to her, with a smile. Sanvi glanced at the soft white stacks through the corners of her eye. She had had enough.76

“I HATE THEM . . .!!! GET THEM OFF ME & GET OUT OF MY LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE! WHAT HAVE YOU COME IN MY LIFE FOR? TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE?WHAT IS THAT’S LEFT IN IT YOU WISH TO TAKE AWAY? I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE TO LIVE. I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME . . . GOT IT? DON’T EVER TRY TO BE MY MOTHER AGAIN . . .!!!”77

Said so, She snatched them from her hand & threw them onto the floor, turned on her heels and ran away, her white frock trailing behind her .Shalini watched her go quietly, her eyes reflecting the hurt. . .78

As she ran a little voice inside her said-79

“You have people who love you. . . Sanvi? Or you had people who once loved you . . .?”80

Little glass angel laughed out loud, and loud, and yet louder.81

* * *82

Sanvi sat in the far corner of the garden, well hidden from everyone. It was dawning, and she could see fine streaks of light far in the horizon. Rising ball of fire behind the mountains. And with that, a sudden thought dawned her, which actually made her sit straight & think. She couldn’t stand it anymore . . . this living like a stranger in her own house. It had been enough. If they are meant to be in her life & since she’ll never allow that . . . it was best on her part to just let them be . . . & get away herself. A life where it seemed no one needed her anymore. Sanvi sighed & silently watched the fire dragon soar up.83

Later that day -84

“Dad, there is something I need to tell you. . . I have decided something.”85

Daddy looked up from his daily economic times & stared at her.86

“About what?”87

“I want to join the Auckland’s. . .”88

Auckland’s house was a convent school in Shimla.Mr.Mehra looked shocked for a moment, but asked quietly,89

“What do you need to go there for?”90

“I don’t see why I should stay here. It’s better on my part if I join there dad. . .”Sanvi paused for a moment. Then added-91

“. . . & for you too.”92

There was a long pause which seemed like an hour.93

“As you wish. I’ll talk to them tomorrow.”94

As, Sanvi packed her bags & left, little glass angel hopped & danced all the way.95

* * *96

And today, after a whole year she has received something from the place she is (was?) so very reluctant to call home. . .97

Sanvi opened the 2nd letter with even more care,98

My dear Sanvi,99

When you read this, I want you to do so with an open heart. Forget the things that have been said & done- the thoughts you may have had, the actions you may have taken.100

All my life as a child, I always wondered what a place my mother had in the family, and always looked forward to being a mother myself. God gave me not only one chance, but two of them. I am the most proud mother; ever. Having a daughter like you. As lovely as an angel. I owe your mother, dear. 101

I am telling you this Sanvi, just so you will understand my feelings for you. I can’t carry this guilt anymore. The guilt of not having understood you enough. The guilt of being selfish at some point of my life; for counting my happiness above yours . . . perhaps. The guilt of hiding this big secret that had it all happen. The promise I made to your mother. When she took my hand in hers and asked me to fulfill her last wish. . .102

Her last of to be a mother to you after she was gone, to never let you be an orphan for the rest of your life, for not leaving your father alone in his toughest time. . .to support him. And in some corner of her heart, she held the little boy’s concern too. . . 103

I am nowhere near your mother . . . i had always known that, even when I had promised her. I always knew I’ll never be a perfect mom in your eyes, and the love I’ll receive from you will always be a little less; always.104

What possibly is the comparison between a pearl & a particle of sand?105

Your dad, who takes every moment he doesn’t remember you as a moment wasted. Who didn’t even stop you from leaving home and get away, for your peace of mind. Who tried his level best to be your mother & father at the same time . . . who didn’t want his princess to be sad, but at the same time keep his beloved ones last wish . . . And you have a younger brother too, who never saw you any different. You were always his elder sister, his angel.106

Life isn’t spent yet. There is so much to see, listen & think about. There is a whole new world to discover yet, feel it & live up. Not alone, but together. Life is too short for being angry with. We have seen it all our lives dear . . . you, your granny, your dad, Adarsh & me. The grief of losing the dear ones, the sorrow of never seeing them again . . . what a difference that makes? One soul tending towards infinity, just a pair of dazzling eyes, just a smiling face gone among all . . . & we are never the same again. . .107

Try understanding what I tried to convey to you.108

My heart is full, but I couldn’t pen down the things I feel in a thousand years.109

This is the hardest, bitterest moment of my life, yet the most beautiful one, a moment spent in hoping you to be back . . . forever. You were the most precious gift I ever received. God bless you my child. Please come back.110

- Shalini.111

* * *112

Sanvi folded it silently. She felt her cheeks hot; from the tears that had flown out, uninvited.113

She could see golden & red streaks of light in the far horizon. That had supported life always . . . and now did hers too. For the first time in what seemed like ages, she felt lighter. Something had left her forever, but only to be replaced by something worth, no tears. She opened the curtains wide, welcoming the heavenly light. In her room, into her life.114

It glowed her face and left her closed eyes starry for a while. She imagined her mother smile somewhere far; and was happy. Sanvi smiled too. She was going back to the loveliest place on earth - HOME.115

Little glass angel had left her, never to return again.116