Alice

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This is my secomd edit.

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• 
  Intrepid
  September 8
  
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  This was different....defintly unique....I loved the storyline and its concept and almost conspiricy!!!
  
  well done..I'm not good with grammar-but please continue writing this
  
  ~~
  Blair

  
• 
  the shorty
  September 4
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  I liked how you kept Alice's occupation a secret until half way in. That was probably why I kept reading. I can tell you've made quite a few edits, but i have just one more. Sorry.
  
  Line 6: His dark brown eyes sparkled and a Hollywood smile. ~ His brown eyes sparkled and he had/gave a Hollywood smile.
• 
  Valkyrie
  September 4
  
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  It's a good suspenseful story; you don't give away more than you need to, and you even keep the main motivation of Mr. Zale mysterious. Your ending, "good hunting", is even a little sinister...oooh, nice.
  I too thought she might be a pricey hooker; I like the fact that you misled us a bit with that, and turned her into a totally different type of woman than that.
  I did find a couple-few things that interrupted the flow of the story just a bit:
  In P1, it sounds like she's already got lipstick on, and then puts some on for the first time. You could either say her lips needed help, and have her put on the lipstick, or say her lipstick needed help, and she applied more of the lipstick.
  In P5, you don't need a hyphen between piece and business
  P9, love to make her clients = loved
  P10: coke products - Coke is a brand name so it should be capitalized.
  P11, "We sell, our own = don't need that comma
  P23 anytime = any time
  P25 Alice opened the folder, her eyes moved back and forth, while she looked over the data. = all a run-on sentence here; you could put a period after folder, and change the comma after forth to a semicolon.
  P30 Seventy thousand dollars I know that you can handle it. - needs semicolon or period after dollars
  P32 put a colon after folder, since you're just listing things for the rest of that sentence, and change hangs to hung, so it's tense matches the other past tense verbs in your story
  P33 emotion turbulence - emotional
  P35 order, she - change comma to semicolon
  P37 there is a lot - are a lot
  P38 Let’s eat.” need a starting quote
  P39 Grabbing envelope - needs a the
  As far as the very end, I think it would be even more powerful if you took the quote and made it the very last line, and arranged the glasses' phrases together, like maybe:
  She picked up her glass. "A toast."
  He lifted his glass and clinked it to hers.
  "Good hunting."
  
• Cavalier
  September 3
  
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  I really like how you keep the reader guessing as to who your character is and to what is going on. I hope you will continue this as I'd love to know what happens next and exactly what it is your character does for a living.
  
  I like your style of writing in general, but you have a number of typos that muddles up the first impression a bit. I can see that the previous comments have pointed this out in more detail so I won't go into that.
  
  Other that that, good job. The premise of your story is intriguing and you manage to capture the reader.
  

  
• 
  Melancholic Smile
  September 1
  
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  There are some grammar issues that need fixing. I am using quick comment to try and point as many out as possible.
  
  Para 5: Mr Zale as stood ? Maybe this should be Mr Zale stood up.
  Para 10: but loved to make her clients to wait ? Maybe this should be but loved to make her clients wait.
  Para 18: He said you're the best what you do ? You need a at in there - best at what you do.
  Para 21: Should be 'for you to be asking that question'.
  Para 22: Should be either 'lets just say I'm curious' or 'let's just say it's curiousity'
  Para 24: any time 2 seperate words. Folded should be folder.
  Para 27: should be an extra ten thousand.
  Para 29: a deposit of - not a deposit from
  Para 33: contents of the folder not a folder; were the girl's not were girl's
  Para 34: turbulence not turbulent
  Para 36: so she closed the folder
  Para 38: there are a lot of factors, not is; where they use the Amber; create not creating
  Para 40: maybe change dinged to chinged
  
  The story itself is good and kept me in suspense to find out what Alice does for a job, at the end I decided she must be a kidnapper. The thought crossed my mind of why this man wants a 14 year old girl - does he know her or does he want her for illegal reasons? I would love to see this continued as it kept me gripped. It would be good to sort out the grammar problems so it would all flow so much smoother but you have a good idea for a story here - keep going with it!
• 
  Skeletons
  September 1
  
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  Not a bad storyline, I liked reading it. My initial thought was that Alice was a prostitute, but as the story progressed, I got the impression that she is an assassin, kidnapper or similar. Am I right with this?
  
  On a more technical note, there are some parts which are a bit confusing or grammatically incorrect; aside from the ones already pointed out in the previous comment.
  
  "Alice stopped and looked at the glass."
  --> When I first read this, I thought she was looking at a glass as in a glass of water. Perhaps this would read better as "Alice stopped and looked at herself in the glass" or "Alice stopped and looked at her reflection in the glass"?
  
  "Applying it, she put the tube back in her purse,"
  --> this makes it sound as if she is simultaneously applying it and putting it away.
  
  ""We sell, our own soda," the waitress said."
  --> the comma isn't really necessary here.
  
  "as she took the folded."
  --> "folder"
  
  "Seventy thousand dollars I know that you can handle it."
  --> "Seventy thousand dollars, I know that you can handle it."
  
  But overall, a well written piece.
  
  Forever--x

  . Rewarded 8
• 
  Terry Collett
  August 30
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  Good storyline.

  I concur about the typos, but overall I enjoyed the storyline and hope maybe more to come.

  
• Kartz
  August 30
  
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  "Applying it, she put the tube back in her purse, as she walked into the restaurant, as the hostess looked up."- Applying it, she put the tube back in her purse. As she walked into the restaurant, the hostess looked up.
  
  "Mr. Zale as stood."- Mr. Zale stood.
  
  "He was a tall man about six feet and wore a three-piece -business suit that tailored for him."- He was a tall man- about six feet- and he wore a three-piece business suit that had been tailored for him.
  
  "... and then she sat down across from her."- across/facing him.
  
  "... make her clients to wait."- clients wait.
  
  "... penalty of meat..."- plenty of...
  
  "... I'm curiosity."- I'm curious (or) it's my curiosity.
  
  "emotion turbulent"- emotional turbulence
  
  "there is a lot factors"- there are a lot of factors.
  
  "Creating the right circumstances, I think that she would be willing to meet.”- restructure
  
  "Grabbing it, Alice looked inside of it and smiled."- Grabbing it, Alice looked inside and smiled.
  
  "Let’s make a toast."- Let's have a toast.
  
  ---
  The descriptions were very well done. Is there a part two on the cards?

  . Rewarded 8