Chapter One: The Rainy Beginning1
Half an hour prior to incident: Fordham Square, Metro North Train Station
Unauthenticated Individual: Name, Unknown2
It's raining today. Again. Not that I have a problem with rain but I'm tired of things falling from the sky. They tend to cause problems which I can't bear at the moment.3
A heavy drizzle has been falling, a brief respite from the raging storm. Maybe it's finally abating. Possibly.4
A gust of wind blows fat drops of rain on my face making my already dull day more sullen. I wipe the water off unhappily, staring up at the sky in askance. When will it stop?5
It's a day where one would wish to stay in the warmth of their home; if it weren't for that Japanese test, I wouldn't have gone out. I have duties to keep, however, and a future to look forward to; one that's already slipping from my hands.6
I sit on a slab of rock and mortar that's shaped into the semblance of a bench, which I share with a few others. I shift from my seat every so often; anyone would get sore. 7
My Japanese text book is on my lap. I'm not required to take the language, but I've wanted to learn it for a while. Surprisingly, it's not as hard as many would make you believe.8
The platform is more crowded than usual, at this time of day at least. Many have headphones on, music blasting so the rest of us can listen to their favorite tunes. Most with phones are "texting" away. Some good ole' fashioned people are reading books. Others converse with their companions or with those they just met. 9
I suppose my frown scares people away. A kind, elderly woman commented on my art earlier. My folder was open. She asked me if I was an artist and advised me that I should sell my art. That compliment really made my day.10
The trains have been delayed because of the flooding train tracks. I just missed the previous one and have been forced to wait for the following. It's ironic though, I always miss the train by a margin of a minute.11
Every moment I look at the arrival time of the next train, the time is extended. Joy.12
I gaze out to the four sets of train tracks before me. There's another platform on the other side where trains stop heading in the opposite direction. Sets of stairs leading up to the station and out into the city are at the end of the platform.13
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of owning a car so I have to take public transportation. I've ridden these trains for the past two years to go to college and return home. It's a time consuming commute but there is no way around that.14
The platform has a roof that protects from most of what nature can throw. Yet, there are times when the wind blows in the rain; like right now. To save my book from impending peril, I unhappily tuck it away.15
I sit, waiting for what seems like a phantom train. There's little to do which makes time slow down. The others waiting for the train complain, some louder than others. The police who watch from the shadows edge closer to the outspoken ones; there’s a small police office within the train station. It's strange to see so many about at this time of day. Even stranger, the cops are not only watching the people; they are huddled in groups occasionally looking up at the sky in conversation.16
The best way to ignore the rowdy crowd is to listen to something else, I suppose. I pull up my hood and take out my headphones. The screen of my Smart Phone lights up. It's an “out dated” phone but it still works well. Maybe I should buy the new one...when I get money that is.17
I go to the TV application, click on a random channel wondering what it would lead to. Before the channel loads, an unusual message pops up. "Please wait while phone connects to the satellite." Weird, it's never done this before.18
The ancient intercoms crackle, catching everyone by surprise. Everyone on the platform quiets. Intrigued, I pull off my headphones.19
"Ladies and gentlemen," a voice echoes across the platforms. "We regret to inform you that because of flooding, it's been deemed unsafe for the continued operation of our trains..."20
Groans of anger erupt around me followed by the screams and complaints of those demanding that the trains be put back into operation. I rise, inching closer to the nearest intercom, curious to know more. Screaming will do nothing to change the situation, so I remain quiet. If you’re calm, you can accurately understand the situation and be able to determine what to do about it.21
"Once the weather clears and the flooding recedes, the trains will return to normal operations. We have technicians working on the problem at this moment,” continues the voice. “Please be patient and thank you for your continued support."22
With that, the intercoms click off. I glance across to the other platform detecting that the rain has slowed. What now? I don't have money and my Metro Card has no money on it. I had used the last of it on the bus ride to the train station. Thus, no options.23
I dig into my pockets and pull out a five dollar bill and a few quarters. Okay, so maybe I have a bit of money. Maybe I should spend it on food. Why did this have to happen?24
I head back to the bench only to discover my seat already taken, not like it really matters anymore. Some people voice their disappointment louder than others. It’s fascinating how easily order and calm can be replaced by hysteria and uncertainty. The police officers that had been lurking arise from the shadows, trying to keep everyone calm. 25
People just stand there, unsure of what to do next. I wonder what they are going to do. Well, it’s for them to deal with; I have to my own problems.26
After a few minutes of commotion, under the direction of the cops, the platform begins to clear. People start heading towards the staircase leading out to the city. They wear agitated and frustrated faces, pushing and shoving unceremoniously to get out.27
I wait before climbing up the stairs. With fewer people going up, there is less shoving. My hand reaches into my bag pack and notice that what I'm looking for is missing. Ah, crap I left my umbrella on the bus. I must have forgotten to take it when I got off. Since I have nothing to do, I might as well go and walk around. I move reluctantly, knowing that despite my best efforts I will get wet. Even though I know that, a sigh escapes me. I frown as my clothing begins to dampen.28
Most of those that exited the station, flood the available buses. I can take a bus but where would I go? Ah yes, I can visit my aunt but I don't really feel like going there and I don't want to intrude.29
I hear the roar of jet engines high above. I immediately assume that those are commercial planes on their way out of the city. Yet, why would they be flying so dangerously close to the city? Why so many at once? Isn't the airspace above a city limited? I wouldn’t know. 30
I lose the thought as I turn to observe people walking by. Not having anything to do or anywhere to go, I cross the street, walking into a small stream of water in the process. I sigh in resignation. It’s a bad day getting worse by the minute.31
Across the train station is a plaza. Metal columns surround it along with benches and large metallic balls. There are some structures in the plaza as well. On sunny days, you would see vendors, selling all kinds of goods – legal and illegal.32
I walk onto the plaza, looking around. Even in this weather, the city is crowded. They are a never ending stream of humanity; every single person facing their own problems. Most ignore the rain. To them, it's just a typical day in the, "city that never sleeps." The rain is only a slight inconvenience to them. 33
Time slows down for a moment as the rain continues to lessen. The sound of nearby people and things seems lesson and the air is unnaturally still. I glance around in confusion. I hear a loud rumbling coming from the sky. A few around me stop, staring upwards and I curiously follow suit.34
What remains of the rain isn't enough to shroud the sight before me. At first, visibility is low; yet, the more the rain lessens, the clearer things become.35
I can make out the roar of jet engines high above. Loud sounds can be heard followed by objects falling to the ground. Sirens around the city sound in alarm. The rain seems to have vanished so everything is clearer.36
I see the New York City skyline - that is the buildings, mostly sky - with what seems like fighter jets in combat with something. At that distance, you can't differentiate between two things. The roar of engines grows louder as they plummet downwards crashing onto buildings.37
More objects – don’t know what else to call them really - appear between the cloud cover. They are massive in comparison to the small planes. These objects seem to be asteroids or meteors. Some are smaller than others but they are still large. A few descend onto the city.38
The entire city lights up with explosions. The sky is painted red. Those objects descend onto the city breaking through the clouds in a path towards the ground. Loud screeching emits from the hulking beasts. They look like large rocks but there's something to them that appear off.39
Smaller "meteors" - probably debris from those objects as well and the dog fight above - hit nearby buildings. The buildings groan and people below are showered in glass and rubble. Large chunks fall in flames catching many unaware of the danger. As they hit, explosions erupt reverberating the ground knocking me off my feet. I stagger as I push myself upright.40
It's like a scene taken out of a movie. People begin to panic. They run out onto the streets only to be impaled by oncoming traffic. This causes more accidents as cars crash into each other trying to evade pedestrians.41
After a few moments of pandemonium, some men in hoods raid stores eager to take advantage of this moment. Some kids smash an electronics store, grabing the nearest goods before fleeing down the street. The people run frantically, screaming along the way seeking a place to hide.42
I stand there amid this chaos rooted to the ground; not in fear but in a certain sense of confusion and shock. This is something I would see in a movie. This really can't be happening.43
Sirens can be heard all around. I head back to the street when I see a police car park with the law enforcers exiting it. They begin to yell at the people in the cars, trying to bring a semblance of order. I see other cops chasing the last of the looters. I push my way up to one of the police officers.44
People run past me, hitting into me in order to reach the cop. When I reach the man, a myriad of questions fly at him from everywhere. He’s baffled at the onslaught.45
"-Hey hey, how the hell would I know what's goin' on, eh? All I know is that-" he cuts off pointing upwards. Those around him follow suit. A moment later, something zipps down and strikes the cop. Being close to him, I feel warm, thick liquid on my face and clothing. I stare at his shocked face as he tumbles to the ground, dead. The people there panic once more, fleeing the poor man. More objects fall from the sky impaling many who run for cover.46
My life flashes before me, displaying all the things that I wish I could have done or in some cases shouldn't have; yet it’s too late.47
This is something that I couldn't envision despite all the science fiction movies I’d seen. Back then, it only reached as far as a screen. Yet this time, I watch asteroids destroying the world that I hold so dear. It wasn't much while it was still there. Yet to see it destroyed before my eyes is completely different. There's nothing that I can do other than stare at the scene unfolding before me. It's almost beautiful.48
A mid-sized meteor flies over us falling about a mile away. It crashes with a force that would make the hydrogen bomb jealous. I turn around awaiting the inevitable. If I run, there won't be enough time to escape the fire.49
Seconds after it crashes, an explosion rocks the ground. These seconds pass slowly as I'm launched into the air watching the fire coming ever nearer. Moments later, all is dark. Instead of feeling pain, I feel numb. Then...nothing.
Author notes
Hello all. I haven't written or posted any stories in months. Well, I decided to start off by trying to improve this chapter. I'm not sure if I was successful. Please let me know what you think. I hope you like it. 
A contest entry
- Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Points Up For Grabs. by Savage.
817 points, ended January 23, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest!!!Not TWILIGHT!!!!! by His.Golden.Eyes.
160 points, ended February 24, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be the Story You Write, I read - Tell me a story !!! by Ashlyn Rose.
110 points, ended February 21, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Points for Prologues and Chapter Ones. by wolfcub.
475 points, ended October 4, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you think that this version is better than the first?
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Hi Josh!!!
I'm not very good in English because it is my second language so my comment not gonna be like all those scholers of language ....I've read it and found myself hooked . Your story is full of beautiful quotes /lines..and wonderful discription. i love how you discribe each minute detail of the story. Amazingly this Sci-fi pulled me in...this is never been my area of intrest but your story did this amazing job...
well done and keep writing.
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para 3: "tend to cause problems [COMMA] which I can't bear"
You know, I quite like this style. I'm normally a fan of the short speech-style sentences, but you seem to be carrying it off so far!
para 7: "anyone would get sore". Not really making much sense. From sitting on the rock?
para 9: "some good ole' fashioned" --> "some good ol'(-)fashioned"
para 10: "the compliment really made my day". unless this is sarcasm, it should probably be rephrased. It doesn't really sound like it made your day.
para 14: "time consuming" --> "time-consuming" same with "out dated", para 17
para 29: You don't need the comma in the first sentence.
para 38: not an amazing description. It's too matter-of-fact. It sound like you're trying to give a reasonably neutral account, but I think you can afford a little more detail here.
para 39: last sentence is confsuing, even when I worked out the spelling mistake!
para 41: again sounding like a very neutral account.
OK, towards the end the narrator seemed to get a little more involved and emotional about events. I also think I recognise the style here (
I couldn't find many mistakes, and I think the only thing you need to do is make the narrator a little more emotionally involved with the dramatic events, not just during the 'meteor attack', but the wait for the train as well. The neutral stance isn't particularly effective. It distances the reader from the action rather than drawing them in. You don't have to make them cry, but you DO have to paint the picture in their head.
Good luck in my contest And with the rest of the novel. -
Very Good
Nice Job Josh!
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Hello Joshua,
This is the only version I've read so I can't say if it's better or worse
When I review I generally don't read previous comments as I try to stay focused on my own points.
I sincerely hope you don't mind, but as you state in your profile you wish to improve, I have done a detailed critique. I'm not 'knocking' your work because I believe this is going to be a good story; at least the basis has been laid in this chapter for a good story.
Before giving the detailed critique I will give my first impressions of the chapter in its entirity.
In my own view, I believe the story starts too slowly as there is no action to speak of until around about para 37. For some readers (those with the attention span of a goldfish), this may be too long for them to take any further interest. There is a lot of unnecessary detail in the opening paragraphs which could be omitted without affecting the plot and would indeed help hurry the plot, therefore the pace of the story, along.
Okay! The best place to start is at the beginning - so off we go
P1 - Not required as it's only repeating the title which is already shown above.
p2 - I don't know what this is about. The location can be given when 'you' enter the railway station; the time prior to the incident is irrelevant and the 'Unauthenticated individual' has me baffled as he/she is unknown anyway?
p5 - ...my face making my already dull... - there are two 'my' close together. I would alleviate this problem with something like - ...my face making an already dull day...
p8 - Does his learning of Japanese have any revelence to the story later on? If so that's fine, if not get rid as no one will be interested in whether or not he can speak or read the language.
p9 - ...at this time of day at least. Not required; the fact the platform is crowded is enough knowledge for the readers; it's NOW they're interested in, they're bot bothered how empty or crowded it is at any other time.
p11 - Keep it in the PRESENT and cut out all the irrelevent stuff. All that is required is one small statement - There are delays because of flooding.
The remainder of the para, along with paras 12, 13 and 14 are not required, they're doing nothing other than slow the story down. Readers are by now waiting for some kind of action to take place.
p19 - The entire platform quiets down - I didn't know platforms could speak - why not try - The crowd becomes silent.
p21 - This para could end after 'information'. The rest of the para reads as if you're lecturing readers on how they should behave in such a circumstance. Some may take umbrage at this and throw your novel away which, of course, is something you don't want them to do
p23, 24 - Not needed, they don't drive the story forward.
p26 - I have to my - delete 'to'
p28 - I would end the para at the word bus. As before, the remainder of the para is not needed.
p29 - Again, nothing to do with the plot.
p30 to 41 - Again there seems to be a lot of unrequired background.
p42 - I'm not too sure here! I say that because I don't know New York at all, or the residents of that fine city, but it seems the looters have begun raiding the shops pretty quickly!!
It seems a little too unrealistic to me, I would have thought they would also be in a state of shock (for a bit longer anyway).
There are more superflous descriptors in some of the remaining paras but I won't go on.
The story itself seems to be one which will be exciting to read, full of action etc but you are slowing it down with too much description of events not relating to the story, such as thinking of visiting your old aunt or whatever.
I would suggest cutting out all the 'flowery' descriptors and concentrate more on the main character (and others who will no doubt be along) and the plot. Most important of all, I would jazz up the action, put more pace into the story to keep readers more interested.
The ending is spot on. It is a great hook which lures the reader into turning the page wanting to know what's happened to the 'hero'.
Sorry for going on and on and on and I hope I haven't been too critical. If you don't want in-depth reviews, please IM me and let me know
I'm not trying to put your work down for this is a good story in the making; I just don't want to see it marred with being too 'slow'. 'Slow' is for romantic tosh, not sci-fi
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I didn't see the first
#41 I just can't quite picture people being [impaled] by traffic
The only thing I found with this chapter is that it ended too soon.
You were really pulling me in. The beginning was like a slow tease. I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen, which is just what a first chapter is supposed to do.
I definitely think you need to continue with this and let me know when the next chapter is out.
Good job
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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War of the worlds, much?
Its great. Keep going.
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:D
I HEART IT! You it's great. I'll read the other one now.... -
This was really good. Great writing and very descriptive. Not alot of dialogue, but it was very good nonetheless.
I like stories about the end of the world from asteroids etc. really well done!
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interesting...
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Wow... this was really good, I like this. The dialouge was excellent, and I could read it all over again.
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I Loved this the words where great and so was the detail a few errors though Line 10 "That compliment made me day." Well unless you're irish...Just kidding I'm weird and Irish XD Ohter wise O.O LOVED the unexpected things and the main character is very good at analyzing things and this makes it more interesting! I loved the flow and this seems increasingly good! Nicely done now I wanna read more with the cliff hanger you just HAD to put in! XD Any who good job!
^.^♥ Blackwings
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here are a few of my favorite lines:
"A gust of wind blows large fat drops of rain on my face making my already dull day more sullen." that really nicely worded XD
"I have duties to keep, however, and a future to look forward to; one that's already slipping from my hands." i can't even say how many times I've felt like this...and i'm sure alot of other people have too
a question is japanese really not hard? okay back to favorites (:
"I suppose my frown scared people away." again feel like this 24/7 XD
"Being angry and screaming will do nothing to change the situation, so I remain quiet" agreed but sometimes everyone gets angry "The thought is removed as I stand amidst people who might as well be walking around a wall than a person as they pass by." "not in fear but in a certain sense of confusion and shock." just love the wording on these
that was really unexpected (: i liked it XD
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Hey, I've already commented on this!
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Since I did not read the first version I can not say whether this is better or not but this was very good either way. The beginning is rather slow and my attention began to waver in and out as I read but then it picks up and becomes very captivating. I myself do not like the rain and reading this made me colder then I already had been feeling. You descriptions are wonderful, this was easy to read and follow. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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i do not know how he could not like the rain
the rain is great.
But anyway good job
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*applauds*
lol -
i didnt really read this i just felt like commenting it!!!!!
haha
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Muhahahaha, major ownage xD.
On a serious note, I like the detal. It builds up to a steady climax and an ebil cliff hanger xD -
This was prety good, and I did like the ending. It left me wondering what occurred to the rest of the world.
I liked the introduction, but it started off a little slow. Try to throw in some metaphors, or elaborate your descriptions of things.
One last thing: find some more words for the 'police officer.' The redundancy kinda through me off the flow. Policeman, bluecoat, law inforcer, patrolman, stuff like that. Good vocab, but beef it up a little.
Other than that, I liked it. It was fun to read. : -
Oh, wow. That was really good. At first I was not interested but then as the chapter progressed, I became more and more involved in every word, every sentence. The words created a beautiful picture of destruction in my minds eye and I could not stop reading. You had me hanging on your every word and description. Awesome job!
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Great! This was excellent. The start was a bit choppy and seperated but you got into the 'rhythm'. I would go over and just try and connect some, smooth it over.
Hardly any mistakes, very good.
'Sets of stairs leading up to the station and out into the city are at the end of the.'p9 The what? Platform?
Great work. -
Ok....Two thoughts came to me while reading this story.
One was at the beginning of the story, the other at the end.
These thoughts were as followed:
The first thought was (This guy has some really excellent writing skills, the intro was top notch, I love the way you used your first person view like that, awesome)
As I further deeper into the story, my second thought was simple, and plain at the same time
My second though (What's going to happen next lol)
I love this story, please for the love of christ just continue it
Suspence is just killing me
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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ooh...nice. i liked it, and is there any more? hehe it was really good!!!
oh, and thanks, it did help a bit. i think i have some ideas that will definintwely go in there...thanks again! -
Revision Critique
This was really good but note the numbers as representation of their corresponding paragraphs, which could improve the lines a bit more coherent...
1: ‘…. Finally abating…possibly
7: While sitting…..
8: ‘…..the rain and the flooded…..’ OR ‘…the rain and the flooding of the train tracks…..
14: ‘…that are not watching the people…..’
22: ‘…money;…..
48: ‘……nothingness’beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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holy moly!!!!!!!!
thats really really really good!!!!!!!!!
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I really liked it.
It was a good write with a fresh style of writing. Its not the first time the destruction of the world via asteroids has been done but it’s a new writing style and it gives it an interesting twist. I like your main character. I really, really do. You make him so believable, he acts like a regular Joe. I guess I really connect with this character because his style of thinking and his observations are very similar to my own or those I would be having in that situation.
I believe there is room for improvement but when is there not.
Keep writing. Practice makes perfect.
I sent my suggested corrections to you though personal message because they got quite lengthy. I don't like taking up a page with my comments.
Elli
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I like the revision better. Now that I've actually read the right one, I can give better advice. I like the transition from normal day to chaos. Very interesting.
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Well
It was intersting.I enjoyed reading p1-p14 .They were really good ,the atmosphere and the desciption .I think you should try to improve p36-p39 ,i mean try to write them in a moral natural way.In general it was a good piece of work.The first part till p14 was nealy perfect ,it gave me somehow a warm feeling.With a little work it's gonna be great !Keep it up !
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im not so good at giving advice for writing, since im not so good at writing in the first place, but i am good at be excruciatingly honest--and i loved this chapter. it ends with a hooker, i like it! all i can say is, wow, you're a great writer, keep it up!! *gives a cookie*
<3 bennybeginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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very interesting chapter. starts off rather normal. a every day life. and then this. feels a bit like independence day or something. but you have made it special and rare at some points. it's very well written. and it makes you wanna read more. i totally love the small comments such as "i'm tried of thing falling from the sky". very good =)
Good job
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"i'm tried of thing falling from the sky" very funny. slightly twisted in a good way. very good
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Style is a little off, story is good
I’m not entirely sure what you’ve changed. I don’t recall the fighter jets from before, but then that could just be my memory. Also, I think some of my comments below were in my original feedback, so you may not have incorporated my comments from before. My comment under paragraph 26 points to my biggest problem with your style of writing here. If you can fix that (not a small task) it would help my reading a lot.
Paragraph 1
“ironic” is not the word for this. If the protagonist were to be a train service inspector, then it would be ironic.
Paragraph 15
The reference to the “Palm Centro” loses me. If it’s an attempt to place this story in time it doesn’t do it for me, but that’s a cultural reference issue. Just letting you know how this reader took this.
Paragraph 16
“I go to the TV application, I click” – this is either a run-on sentence, or the second “I” should be “and”
Paragraph 18
“lack visibility” – lack of visibility
Paragraph 25
“They wear agitated and frustrated faces” – expressions rather than faces. They either “have” faces or “wear expressions”
Paragraph 26
There’s a switch in styles. “Ah, crap I left my umbrella on the bus” is nicely colloquial (although the comma should be one word later) and sounds like we’re listening in on the thought-commentary of the protagonist. “I move reluctantly” is not something a person would ever think to themselves, so this sort of phrasing jerks the reader into a different frame of reading. It’s more like third person writing, pushed into a first person frame. Imagine you’re listening to the protagonist talking you through his every moment via a cell-phone and you’ll (hopefully) understand what I’m getting at. My natural preference is for one of two possible styles – either a fully first person “listen to my thoughts” style, or a fully third person “watching tv” style. I struggle with intermediate styles as they seem unnatural.
Paragraph 31
“adherence” – do you mean “annoyance” or is the rain really hardly sticking to them?
Paragraph 32
“lesson” – do you mean less?
Paragraph 38
“probably debris from those objects as well and the dog fight above” – what objects and what dog fight?
Paragraph 44
“he cuts off points upwards” – he cuts off and points upwards
FINAL THOUGHT
Now that I've written that lot, I've checked out the other review comments you've received and it seems I'm in a minority (of one!). It's probably just me being weird about your style. If it works for you (and others) stick with it.
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Oh Josh! You did such a fantastic revamp to this! I had missed your spills lately and am glad to see you back with such dramatic fever and your usual wonderful style.
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Interesting*Puzzled look*
Wasnt really expecting the ending to be the way it was...reminds me of the movie War of the Worlds..Interesting and good job.I love surprises ^^
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Done Extremely Well! Keep at this one!
The first thing I want to tell you is that this is Much, Much, Much better than your last shot at this story. I thought you writing was EXCELLENT...and have only a few suggestions that I hope you will consider as you read through this again...and perhaps implement.
I found the tale absolutely engaging...and pretty well perfect in voice and tone...until around P35.
And my reason shouldn't be too difficult for you to address. Your voice, and I especially loved your dialogue with yourself and your commentary about yourself and your surroundings, was most believable, sophisticated and professionally done...so much so, that I would seriously consider dropping out all references to "school." "Japanese class" would even be ok by itself. My reason is that "going to school" makes the narrator seem too young, and to be taken less "seriously" than he really sounds. The "sound" of the narrator is very sophisticaed and mature. Moreso than a "school boy."
So much for that. It's excellent! But then, I felt you're going on in the SAME, SLOW, INTROSPECTIVE tempo.
Consistency is good...but WITHIN that consistent voice must enter in some variation! Why? Because the FREAKING WORLD seems to be coming to an end! So...I would increase the tempo. More frenetic...more panic! More DESPERATION! How? By limiting the "I" felt this...and "I" thought that! Just start reporting the events. Make the sentences and phrases shorter. More to the point! To have this all believable you MUST give us the change in delivery and pace that would in fact occur...unless this guy is in a total coma! BUT it's ALMOST THERE! Just look at where, in this section of the piece, you can CUT VERBIAGE!...(instead of the "entire city lights up"...just say: "the city lights up!" "The sky is RED!" not "painted red." See, it's my feeling the guy, at this point would be less inclined to be using adjectives and adverbs. He'd just be reporting what he sees...without MODIFIERS! Anyway, at that point...I really felt at least the PACE and INTENSITY MUST change somewhat! Otherwise two things: 1)the tone becomes droning and boring...2)The story becomes less believable!
A few little sniggles: at P26...did you mean "back PACK?" or is "Bag" correct? (I am not sure)
In P29 take either "removed" or "out of my mind" out of the sentence. You don't need both...redundant. Ditto for "once more" or "resignation." Both seem too much. And here should be where you begin to speed the pace! Even have the guy MOVE faster...have him stumble, trip, run, (to where?)Bump into things...people! fall! See?
In P31...Did you mean "slight ADHERENCE?" or slight "inconvenience?" Adherence seemed wrong...and a little off...stretched.
Anyway, D, I thought the top was absolutely terrific...great going! Great consistency...excellent pace and most unique.
Just move the bottom a bit more. Don't give up. The piece is terrific!
Best,
GA
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this is pretty good. not my usual style of story but still good. keep penning Josh
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Great!
This story is so cool! -
Your detailing has greatly improved since the last time I read any of your stories. Well done. You need to look at your paragraph structure though and make sure you're not being overly repetitious. It's a good idea and it's well thought out. It flows well. Keep up the good work
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