It's raining today. again. Not that I have a problem with rain but I'm tired of things falling from the sky. They tend to cause problems which I can't bear at the moment.1
A heavy drizzle has been falling, a brief respite from the raging storm. Maybe it's finally abating. Possibly.2
A gust of wind blows rain on my face making my already dull day more sullen. I wipe the water off unhappily.3
It's a day where one would wish to stay in the warmth of their home; if it weren't for that Japanese test, I would have stayed home. Maybe I should have skipped anyway. I have duties to keep, however, and a future to look forward to; one that's already slipping from my hands.4
I sit on a slab of rock and mortar that's shaped into the semblance of a bench, which I share with a few others. I shift from my seat every so often; anyone would get sore.5
My Japanese text book is on my lap. I'm not required to take the language, but I've wanted to learn it for a while. Surprisingly, it's not hard.6
The platform is more crowded than usual, at this time of day at least. The trains have been delayed because of the flooding train tracks. I just missed the previous one and have been forced to wait for the following. It's ironic though, I always miss the train by a margin of a minute.7
Every moment I look at the arrival time of the next train, the time is extended. Joy.8
I gaze out to the four sets of train tracks before me. There's another platform on the other side where trains stop heading in the opposite direction. Sets of stairs leading up to the station and out into the city are at the end of the platform.9
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of owning a car so I have to take public transportation. I've ridden these trains for the past two years to go to college and return home. It's a time consuming commute but there is no way around that.10
The platform has a roof that protects from most of what nature can throw. Yet, there are times when the wind blows in the rain. Just like right now. To save my book from impending peril, I unhappily tuck it away.11
I sit, waiting for what seems like a phantom train. There's little to do which makes time slow down. The others waiting for the train complain, some louder than others. The police who watch from the shadows edge closer to the outspoken ones. This isn't a safe neighborhood so they are always lurking. It's strange to see so many about at this time of day. Even stranger, the cops are not only watching the people; they are huddled in groups occasionally looking up at the sky during conversation.12
The best way to ignore the rowdy crowd is to listen to something else, I suppose. I pull up my hood and take out my headphones. The screen of my Smart Phone lights up. It's an “out dated” phone but it still works well. Maybe I should buy the new one....when I get money that is.13
I go to the TV application, click on a random channel wondering what it would lead to. Before the channel loads, an unusual message pops up. "Please wait while phone connects to the satellite." Weird, it's never done this before.14
The ancient intercoms crackle, catching everyone by surprise. The entire platform quiets down. I listen, intrigued; pulling off my headphones.15
"Ladies and gentlemen," a voice echoes across the platforms. "We regret to inform you that because of flooding and lack of visibility, it's been deemed unsafe for the continued operation of our trains..."16
Groans of anger erupt around me followed by the screams and complaints of those demanding that the trains be put back into operation. I rise up, inching closer to the nearest intercom, curious to know more information. Being angry and screaming will do nothing to change the situation, so I remain quiet. If you are calm, you can accurately understand the situation and be able to determine what to do about it.17
"Once the weather clears, the trains will return to normal operations,” continues the voice. “Please be patient and thank you for your continued support."18
With that, the intercoms click off. I glance across to the other platform detecting that the rain has slowed down. What now? I don't have money and my Metro Card has no money on it. I had used the last of it on the bus ride to the train station. Thus, no options.19
I dig into my pockets and pull out a five dollar bill and a few quarters. Okay, so maybe I have a bit of money. Maybe I should spend it on food. Why did this have to happen?20
I head back to the bench only to discover my seat already taken, not like it really matters anymore. Some voice their disappointment louder than others. The police officers that had been lurking arise from the shadows, trying to keep everyone calm.21
People just stand there, unsure of what to do next. I wonder what they are going to do. Well, it’s for them to deal with; I have to my own problems.22
After a few minutes of commotion, under the direction of the police officers, the platform begins to clear. People start heading towards the staircase leading out to the city. They wear agitated and frustrated faces, pushing and shoving unceremoniously to get out.23
I wait before climbing up the stairs without being shoved. My hand reaches into my bag pack and notice that what I'm looking for is missing. Ah, crap I left my umbrella on the bus. I must have forgotten to take it when I got off. Since I have nothing to do, I might as well go and walk around. I move reluctantly, knowing that despite my best efforts I will end up wet. Even though I know that, a sigh escapes me. I frown as my clothing begins to dampen.24
The buses are still operational. There is a group of them that has just arrived. Those who had just exited the station, flood the available buses. I can take a bus but where would I go? Ah yes, I can visit my aunt but I don't really feel like going there and I don't want to intrude.25
I hear the roar of jet engines as planes fly above. I immediately assume that those are commercial planes on their way out of the city. Yet, why would they be flying so dangerously close to the city? Why so many at once? Isn't the airspace above a city limited?26
The thought is removed as I stand amidst people who might as well be walking around a wall than a person as they pass by. Not having anything to do or anywhere to go, I cross the street, walking into a small stream of water in the process. I sigh in resignation. A bad day getting worse.27
Across the train station is a large plaza. Metal columns surround it along with benches and large metallic balls. There are some structures in the plaza as well. On sunny days, you would see vendors, selling all kinds of goods.28
I walk onto the plaza, looking around. Most ignore the rain. To them, it's just a typical day in the, "city that never sleeps." The rain is only a slight inconvenience to them. Even in this weather, the city is crowded. A never ending stream of humanity, every single person facing their own problems.29
Time slows down for a moment as the rain continues to lessen. The sound of nearby people and things seems lesson and the air is unnaturally still. I glance around myself in confusion. I hear a loud rumbling coming from the sky. A few around me stop, staring upwards and I curiously follow suit.30
What's left of the rain isn't enough to shroud the sight before me. At first, visibility is low; yet, the more the rain lessens, the clearer things become.31
I can make out the roar of jet engines high above. Loud sounds can be heard followed by objects falling to the ground. Sirens around the city sound in alarm. The rain seems to have vanished so everything is clearer.32
I see the New York City skyline - that is the high buildings - with what seems like fighter jets in combat against something. At that distance, you can't differentiate between two things. The roar of engines grows louder as they plummet downwards crashing onto buildings.33
More objects appear between the cloud cover. They are massive in comparison to the small planes. These objects seem to be asteroids or meteors. Some are smaller than others but they are still large. A few descend onto the city.34
The entire city lights up with explosions. The sky is now painted red. Those objects descending onto the city break through the clouds in a path towards the ground. Loud screeching sounds emit from the hulking objects. They look like large rocks but there's something to it that appears off.35
Small "meteors" - probably debris from those objects as well and the dog fight above - hit nearby buildings. The buildings groan, as people below are showered in glass and rubble. They fall to the ground in flames catching many unaware of the danger. As they hit, explosions erupt reverberating the ground knocking me off my feet. I stagger as I push myself upright.36
It's like a scene taken out of a movie. People begin to panic. They run out onto the streets only to be impaled by oncoming traffic. This causes more accidents as cars crash into each other trying to evade pedestrians.37
Some men in hoods raid stores. There are some kids smashing up an electronics store. They grab the nearest goods before fleeing down the street. The people run frantically, screaming along the way seeking a place to hide.38
I stand there amid this chaos rooted to the ground; not in fear but in a certain sense of confusion and shock. This is something I would see in a movie. This really can't be happening.39
Sirens can be heard all around. I head back to the street when I see a police car park with the police officers exiting. They begin to scream at the people in the cars trying to bring a semblance of order. I see other police officers chasing the last of the looters. I push my way up to one of the police officers.40
People run past me, hitting into me in order to reach the police officer. When I reach him, a myriad of questions fly at him and he seems baffled as to which question to attempt to answer first.41
"-Hey hey, how the hell would I know what's goin' on, eh? All I know is that-" he cuts off pointing upwards. Those around him look up.42
My life flashes before me displaying all the things that I wish I could have done or in some cases shouldn't have; yet it is too late for that.43
This is something that I couldn't envision despite all the science fiction movies I had seen. Back then, it only reached as far as a screen. Yet this time, I watch asteroids destroying the world that I hold so dear. It wasn't much while it was still there. Yet to see it being destroyed before my eyes is something completely different. There's nothing that I can do other than stare at the scene unfolding before me. It's almost beautiful.44
A mid-sized meteor flies over us falling about a mile away. It crashes with a force that would make the hydrogen bomb jealous. I turn around awaiting the inevitable. If I run, there won't be enough time to escape the fire.45
Seconds after it crashes, an explosion rocks the ground. These seconds pass slowly as I'm launched into the air watching the fire coming ever nearer. Moments later, all is dark. Instead of feeling pain, I feel numb. Then...nothing.
Author notes
Hello all. I haven't written or posted any stories in months. Well, I decided to start off by trying to improve this chapter. I'm not sure if I was successful. Please let me know what you think. I hope you like it. 
Do you think that this version is better than the first?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Great! This was excellent. The start was a bit choppy and seperated but you got into the 'rhythm'. I would go over and just try and connect some, smooth it over.
Hardly any mistakes, very good.
'Sets of stairs leading up to the station and out into the city are at the end of the.'p9 The what? Platform?
Great work. -
Ok....Two thoughts came to me while reading this story.
One was at the beginning of the story, the other at the end.
These thoughts were as followed:
The first thought was (This guy has some really excellent writing skills, the intro was top notch, I love the way you used your first person view like that, awesome)
As I further deeper into the story, my second thought was simple, and plain at the same time
My second though (What's going to happen next lol)
I love this story, please for the love of christ just continue it
Suspence is just killing me
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ooh...nice. i liked it, and is there any more? hehe it was really good!!!
oh, and thanks, it did help a bit. i think i have some ideas that will definintwely go in there...thanks again! -
Revision Critique
This was really good but note the numbers as representation of their corresponding paragraphs, which could improve the lines a bit more coherent...
1: ‘…. Finally abating…possibly
7: While sitting…..
8: ‘…..the rain and the flooded…..’ OR ‘…the rain and the flooding of the train tracks…..
14: ‘…that are not watching the people…..’
22: ‘…money;…..
48: ‘……nothingness’ -
holy moly!!!!!!!!
thats really really really good!!!!!!!!!
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I really liked it.
It was a good write with a fresh style of writing. Its not the first time the destruction of the world via asteroids has been done but it’s a new writing style and it gives it an interesting twist. I like your main character. I really, really do. You make him so believable, he acts like a regular Joe. I guess I really connect with this character because his style of thinking and his observations are very similar to my own or those I would be having in that situation.
I believe there is room for improvement but when is there not.
Keep writing. Practice makes perfect.
I sent my suggested corrections to you though personal message because they got quite lengthy. I don't like taking up a page with my comments.
Elli
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I like the revision better. Now that I've actually read the right one, I can give better advice. I like the transition from normal day to chaos. Very interesting.
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Well
It was intersting.I enjoyed reading p1-p14 .They were really good ,the atmosphere and the desciption .I think you should try to improve p36-p39 ,i mean try to write them in a moral natural way.In general it was a good piece of work.The first part till p14 was nealy perfect ,it gave me somehow a warm feeling.With a little work it's gonna be great !Keep it up !
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im not so good at giving advice for writing, since im not so good at writing in the first place, but i am good at be excruciatingly honest--and i loved this chapter. it ends with a hooker, i like it! all i can say is, wow, you're a great writer, keep it up!! *gives a cookie*
<3 benny -
very interesting chapter. starts off rather normal. a every day life. and then this. feels a bit like independence day or something. but you have made it special and rare at some points. it's very well written. and it makes you wanna read more. i totally love the small comments such as "i'm tried of thing falling from the sky". very good =)
Good job
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"i'm tried of thing falling from the sky" very funny. slightly twisted in a good way. very good
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Style is a little off, story is good
I’m not entirely sure what you’ve changed. I don’t recall the fighter jets from before, but then that could just be my memory. Also, I think some of my comments below were in my original feedback, so you may not have incorporated my comments from before. My comment under paragraph 26 points to my biggest problem with your style of writing here. If you can fix that (not a small task) it would help my reading a lot.
Paragraph 1
“ironic” is not the word for this. If the protagonist were to be a train service inspector, then it would be ironic.
Paragraph 15
The reference to the “Palm Centro” loses me. If it’s an attempt to place this story in time it doesn’t do it for me, but that’s a cultural reference issue. Just letting you know how this reader took this.
Paragraph 16
“I go to the TV application, I click” – this is either a run-on sentence, or the second “I” should be “and”
Paragraph 18
“lack visibility” – lack of visibility
Paragraph 25
“They wear agitated and frustrated faces” – expressions rather than faces. They either “have” faces or “wear expressions”
Paragraph 26
There’s a switch in styles. “Ah, crap I left my umbrella on the bus” is nicely colloquial (although the comma should be one word later) and sounds like we’re listening in on the thought-commentary of the protagonist. “I move reluctantly” is not something a person would ever think to themselves, so this sort of phrasing jerks the reader into a different frame of reading. It’s more like third person writing, pushed into a first person frame. Imagine you’re listening to the protagonist talking you through his every moment via a cell-phone and you’ll (hopefully) understand what I’m getting at. My natural preference is for one of two possible styles – either a fully first person “listen to my thoughts” style, or a fully third person “watching tv” style. I struggle with intermediate styles as they seem unnatural.
Paragraph 31
“adherence” – do you mean “annoyance” or is the rain really hardly sticking to them?
Paragraph 32
“lesson” – do you mean less?
Paragraph 38
“probably debris from those objects as well and the dog fight above” – what objects and what dog fight?
Paragraph 44
“he cuts off points upwards” – he cuts off and points upwards
FINAL THOUGHT
Now that I've written that lot, I've checked out the other review comments you've received and it seems I'm in a minority (of one!). It's probably just me being weird about your style. If it works for you (and others) stick with it.
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Oh Josh! You did such a fantastic revamp to this! I had missed your spills lately and am glad to see you back with such dramatic fever and your usual wonderful style.
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Interesting*Puzzled look*
Wasnt really expecting the ending to be the way it was...reminds me of the movie War of the Worlds..Interesting and good job.I love surprises ^^
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Done Extremely Well! Keep at this one!
The first thing I want to tell you is that this is Much, Much, Much better than your last shot at this story. I thought you writing was EXCELLENT...and have only a few suggestions that I hope you will consider as you read through this again...and perhaps implement.
I found the tale absolutely engaging...and pretty well perfect in voice and tone...until around P35.
And my reason shouldn't be too difficult for you to address. Your voice, and I especially loved your dialogue with yourself and your commentary about yourself and your surroundings, was most believable, sophisticated and professionally done...so much so, that I would seriously consider dropping out all references to "school." "Japanese class" would even be ok by itself. My reason is that "going to school" makes the narrator seem too young, and to be taken less "seriously" than he really sounds. The "sound" of the narrator is very sophisticaed and mature. Moreso than a "school boy."
So much for that. It's excellent! But then, I felt you're going on in the SAME, SLOW, INTROSPECTIVE tempo.
Consistency is good...but WITHIN that consistent voice must enter in some variation! Why? Because the FREAKING WORLD seems to be coming to an end! So...I would increase the tempo. More frenetic...more panic! More DESPERATION! How? By limiting the "I" felt this...and "I" thought that! Just start reporting the events. Make the sentences and phrases shorter. More to the point! To have this all believable you MUST give us the change in delivery and pace that would in fact occur...unless this guy is in a total coma! BUT it's ALMOST THERE! Just look at where, in this section of the piece, you can CUT VERBIAGE!...(instead of the "entire city lights up"...just say: "the city lights up!" "The sky is RED!" not "painted red." See, it's my feeling the guy, at this point would be less inclined to be using adjectives and adverbs. He'd just be reporting what he sees...without MODIFIERS! Anyway, at that point...I really felt at least the PACE and INTENSITY MUST change somewhat! Otherwise two things: 1)the tone becomes droning and boring...2)The story becomes less believable!
A few little sniggles: at P26...did you mean "back PACK?" or is "Bag" correct? (I am not sure)
In P29 take either "removed" or "out of my mind" out of the sentence. You don't need both...redundant. Ditto for "once more" or "resignation." Both seem too much. And here should be where you begin to speed the pace! Even have the guy MOVE faster...have him stumble, trip, run, (to where?)Bump into things...people! fall! See?
In P31...Did you mean "slight ADHERENCE?" or slight "inconvenience?" Adherence seemed wrong...and a little off...stretched.
Anyway, D, I thought the top was absolutely terrific...great going! Great consistency...excellent pace and most unique.
Just move the bottom a bit more. Don't give up. The piece is terrific!
Best,
GA
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this is pretty good. not my usual style of story but still good. keep penning Josh
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Great!
This story is so cool! -
Your detailing has greatly improved since the last time I read any of your stories. Well done. You need to look at your paragraph structure though and make sure you're not being overly repetitious. It's a good idea and it's well thought out. It flows well. Keep up the good work
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