One Foot In The Grave - Part Twelve

A rip of laughter shot up my throat and I barked, clutching my stomach as I slumped against the wall, tears streaming down my cheek. Beside me, Tegan was shaking with laughter, shoulders rising and falling as she struggled for breath. 1

“Her head looked like it was going to explode!!” Tegan wheezed, clutching her knees and burying her face in her lap. She was squatting on the floor, peals of laughter erupting from her. I felt my knees buckle slightly as I struggled to hold myself upright.2

“That was one of the single greatest things I have EVER seen!” I choked out, raising a hand and wiping the tears from my cheeks. My mouth was locked in a grin and I could feel my face red from laughing so much.3

This was a moment to remember – me and Tegan sharing something in common, and both of us laughing and jovial.4

“If-if only Brewer could s-s-see us now,” Tegan said, still being hit by an occasional giggle, “She wouldn’t extend our therapy together!” My back stiffened at her words, and suddenly the happiness was gone. I glanced down at her, curled up on the floor in a little ball of happiness and smiled slightly. 5

“Yeah” I muttered, walking away. Her words hit me with such force that I felt physically winded, and wanted to get away from her quickly. It suddenly dawned on me that I wasn’t ever going to make progress with Tegan. I wasn’t going to have an improved relationship with her, it was so blindingly obvious that it gave me a headache. The realisation came when it became clear that Brewer wasn’t going to see us like that, sharing a joke like any other two normal teenagers. We WEREN’T regular teenagers, and nor would be ever be.6

The only noise in the corridor was the soft sound of my trainers hitting the lino floor as I walked away from Tegan for what felt like the millionth time in my life. Her laughed had stopped abruptly as soon as I had turned my back on her. I could feel her eyes boring a hole into my back as she watched me walk away from any progress we could ever make.7

I slunk along the corridor until I got to my room, where I collapsed upon the bed, face buried into the pillow. I let out a strangled and muffled scream, tensing every muscle in my body. Then relaxed, letting the joyful feeling ripple through my body. 8

“Dude...are you OK?” I heard Jake ask, and nodded my head briefly in return. Silence again, before: “Really? Because you sure don’t sound alright....”9

I sighed, sitting up. “I just...I just don’t think me and Tegan could even pretend to get on. This is hopeless, and I’m going to be stuck in here for the rest of my life, going through therapy with her, a never ending cycle” I muttered, tugging on my hair. Jake nodded, just watching me. Waiting for me to go on. “You probably think I’m a psycho, right? Everyone else does around here”10

“Nah. Just misunderstood” Jake replied. I glanced up at his grinning face and he winked. “Well, maybe a bit of a psycho, but it’s only temporary, right? You can do this, man” I raised an eyebrow, the heavy feeling in my heart settling more.11

“Yeah, maybe. Dude...what Tegan said, it’s not...not all true, right? I didn’t just fuck that chick. It...” I trailed off, at a complete loss of words. I wanted to explain to Jake that it was nothing like what Tegan had said, wanted to tell him about my mother, my father and about that day that haunted every minute I was alive. He nodded uncertainly, waiting to see if I’d go on. I sighed. “You wouldn’t understand” I mumbled into my hands. 12

“Try me” He retorted quietly, eyes on the crown of my head as I hung my head in my hands. 13