When You Gotta Go...

‘Never again,’ was the preeminent sentiment in Susan’s mind as she drove down the long stretch of lonely highway, a sentiment that was quickly being overtaken by the insistent need for a rest stop. Why she had agreed to the insanity she was currently embarked upon was beyond the scope of her rational mind. Clearly she was not well.1

The idea of taking a road trip during spring break had been thrown into contemplation by Tabitha, one of Susan’s two roommates. At the time, the notion had seemed completely reasonable, even fun. Susan shook her head in belated incredulity. What had ever possessed her to consider a drive from Ohio to Oklahoma with All American Barbie (Tabitha) and America’s Next Top Model, Roran (the other roommate) to be a potentially pleasing experience she may never know. 2

What Susan really needed at the moment was a convenient rest stop. These seemed to have vanished off of the face of the earth. 3

“Where are we?” A groggy voice from the back seat drew Susan out of her melancholy reverie. Tabitha had returned from yet another sojourn in whatever place it was her blonde mind went to during sleep. Susan was sure it wasn’t too far from where she lived in her waking moments.4

“Missouri.”5

“Honestly, Susan,” Tabitha retorted. “I don’t understand why you insist on being so negative. This may not be as fun as you thought it would be, but it’s not misery.”6

Susan didn’t bother to clarify. Her bladder was becoming quite insistent about the need for a rest stop. She couldn’t spare the concentration to play word pictures with Miss Moppet. 7

Did the government in this state not believe in highway rest stops? Do the citizens of this part of the country have no use for gas stations? There weren’t even any trees beside the highway that could offer some meager shelter behind which to dispense with one’s business.8

“At what point did I exit highway 45 and merge into Dante’s Inferno?” Susan muttered to no one in particular. She imagined a large, green highway sign with ‘Seventh Circle ½ miles’ painted in silver reflective lettering. Truly this was turning into the road trip from Hades. 9

Susan saw Roran’s dark, beautiful head bob into the rearview mirror. Her short hair was flat on one side and sticking straight up on the other. Road trips were definitely not flattering photo ops. 10

“Are we there yet?”11

Susan rolled her eyes. Seriously, this was worse than driving with a five year old to Grandma’s house. “Does it look like we’re there yet?” 12

She didn’t really mean to be so sharp. Every bump in the road only accentuated her need to stop soon, and it was making her irritable. 13

Suddenly, they felt the car roll over a large bump. “What in the world…” Susan wondered aloud. 14

“What did we just run over?” asked Roran in a worried tone. 15

“I don’t know,” Susan replied. “I didn’t see anything.”16

Tabitha was staring out the back window. Her breath began to come in short gasps, Susan was sure she was on the verge of hyperventilating. 17

“Oh…” Tabitha whispered between breaths. “Oh…you…you…oh.”18

Roran tried to calm her down. “Tab… Tabby what’s wrong? Are you okay?”19

Could things possibly get any crazier? Why were there no bathrooms? Susan was on the edge of losing it, but Tabitha lost it first.20

“You!” 21

Susan was dumbstruck at the transformation that had just taken place in her rearview mirror. A moment ago, Tabitha had been almost sobbing about something Susan couldn’t identify, and now she was so angry Susan felt an intense compulsion to turn up the air.22

“You killed him!” Tabitha almost screamed the accusation. “He’s dead! You killed him!”23

Susan stared at her roommate’s reflection in the mirror. She couldn’t even think of something to say. 24

Roran suffered no such handicap. “Tabby, what are you talking about? Killed who?”25

“She killed him! He’s dead! Just minding his own business, nibbling a little snack one minute, and the next minute he’s lying in a pool of blood, murdered by a bitter, cynical woman with a car!”26

Susan couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Tabitha had finally been swallowed up by the great void between her ears, and Susan had no notion of how to bring her back.27

Roran was a bit more practical about the situation. She took hold of the raving blonde by the shoulders and shook her until Susan was sure she could hear the girl’s teeth rattling in her head. “Tabitha!” Roran used the tone mothers reserve for miscreant children. “Get a hold of yourself.”28

Susan entertained the thought that Roran had enough of a hold on her for both of them.29

When Tabitha had settled down a bit and ceased from her deranged ranting, Roran released her. “Now, what are you talking about?”30

Tabitha sat in silence for a moment sniffling, as if it was a great effort for her to restrain her emotions. “He’s dead. Susan ran him over.”31

Roran pushed for more information. “Ran who over?”32

Tabitha’s bottom lip began to quiver. Susan knew the dam was about to break.
“It was Thumper…” Tabitha’s plaintive whimpering crescendoed into an ululated lament like an air raid klaxon starting up. “Susan murdered THUMPER!!”33

Chaos reigned in the vehicle. Tabitha was inconsolable, though Roran employed her best efforts to calm her. Susan just stared in disbelief. When she finally snapped back to reality, she realized that she had not been watching the road. 34

The little car was headed into the shoulder. Susan jerked the wheel left and realigned their auto in the right lane. It was a narrow save, both of their lives, and the life of her jeans. “Rest Stop!” her bladder demanded. 35

Susan peered into the distance, willing an exit sign to appear. Instead she saw a small brown ball hovering in the air. No, it wasn’t hovering; it was flying at them with alarming speed. Before Susan knew what was happening, a red-brown squirrel the size of a cat had collided with her windshield, blocking her view of the road. 36

In the next instant, Susan and the squirrel were caught in some bizarre time bubble. It seemed ages passed between the moment her brain registered that something had hit the windshield, and the realization that the something was an over-sized squirrel.
Then, in ultra-slow motion, the fuzzy woodland animal looked right at her and winked.37

“Ahhhh!” Susan screamed and slammed both feet on the break petal. The little Mazda fishtailed as the front wheels locked up. Susan tried to compensate with the steering, but she went to far right. The car tipped up on two wheels as it began to spin. Susan felt the centrifugal force and saw the sky and road switch places. 38

Vaguely, she heard Tabitha and Roran screaming in the back seat. This was not a good situation, but for some reason all Susan could think about was the fact that she had to pee. The squirrel was still stuck to the windshield and now it was smiling at her like the Cheshire Cat. Susan knew it had accomplished its purpose.39

Suddenly, reality broke into the bubble. The sounds of crunching metal, and shattering glass washed over her. Everything went dark.40


“Susan! Susan get off me! You’re drooling on my shoulder.” 41

Susan sat straight up and looked around. She was in the back seat. After a moment of disoriented panic, truth settled around her. She had fallen asleep. 42

“Wow,” She murmured, rehashing the impossibility of the events she’d dreamed.
Susan looked at Tabitha, who was driving. “Can we stop soon? I really gotta go.”