It was cold out, but not freezing. Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky. Winter, yes, but it was nowhere near the cold, which could be expected soon. Feodora was used to the cold and the hand-me-down coat she had inherited from her older sister was big on her and warm. She had spent most of her ten years in Baday on the Bolshaya Belaya River, a small village of ten thousand or so. Feodora was talking with her imaginary friend in the woods near the cottage her mother and grandparents shared with her and her older sister.1
Startled, she heard a deep voice saying, “And who might this be?” 2
Feodora looked up to see a man with a doll in his hand. 3
“Who is the light-haired blonde who has come upon us?” he asked the doll. The doll was pretty with dark hair and blue glass eyes.4
“Feodora,” said the girl almost to herself.5
“Did you hear something?” he spoke to the doll.6
“Feodora,” she said much louder. She regarded the tall man in his middle thirties with open curiosity. Dressed in a dark brown coat, which showed a little of its red quilted lining at the collar, he seemed larger in stature than his actual build. Black pants touched his heavy brown leather boots.7
“Ah, Feodora. That's a pretty name.” He smiled at her as he admired her silky, light, blonde hair, her pale blue eyes, and angelic face.8
“What's your name?”9
“Demyan and this is Inna,” he replied, indicating the doll and grinning brightly.10
Feodora focused again on the doll, an expensive toy, much nicer than anything she possessed. Oh how she wished she could have one like it.11
“Why do you talk to a doll?” asked Feodora, her sky-blue eyes sparkling with mischief, mixed with almost hypnotic fascination as she stared at the figurine.12
“Well, who were you talking with when you were talking? I didn't see anybody? At least I have a doll to talk with.”13
She blushed three shades of red. “I was just singing,” she lied.14
“I see.”15
“What are you doing here? You don't live around here, do you?”16
“Inna and I thought this would be a good place to play. Would you like to play with us?”17
Feodora recognized no danger in this stranger. Strangers were rare in Baday. His face was friendly. His short-cut, dark hair, and dark, almost black eyes seemed to pose no threat.18
“Yes. I want to play.”19
“See if you can keep up with us,” said Demyan. “If you can, I'll let you play with Inna.”20
He walked quickly, further into the woods. Feodora followed closely behind him. She had no fear. She knew the woods well. Soon they traveled deeply into the dense wooded forest with trees, which though they bore no leaves, crowded thickly together hiding Feodora and Demyan from sight.21
22
“Police,” answered Inga Stanislav, hearing the panic in the woman's voice over the phone.23
“My daughter hasn't come home. Something terrible must've happened!”24
“Just a moment...what's your name?”25
“Agalaya Saveli in Baday. My daughter....”26
Baday was in the Usolsky District of Irkutsk Oblast, Russia. Inga was one of the officers assigned to the Usolsky District.27
“Relax, Ms. Saveli,” Inga interrupted. “Your daughter probably just got lost.”28
“My neighbors and me have searched all over for her. It's late and it may freeze tonight,” the concern in the woman's voice was obvious. Inga could imagine a matronly woman with tears running down her face.29
“Please describe her,” said Stanislav.30
“She's got light blonde hair and gray-blue eyes. You've got to find her!”31
“What was she wearing?”32
“A dark blue dress and a brown coat.”33
“How tall is she?”34
“137 cm. Please help!”35
“About what does she weigh?”36
“I think about 32 kg.”37
“And what is her full name?”38
“Feodora Saveli. Please find her!”39
“How old is she?”40
“She's only ten.”41
“Okay. She'll probably turn up okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Where are you located?”42
“The last house on Vadim Rd.”43
44
“I'm Inga Stanislav with the Usolsky District Police. You're Mrs Saveli?”45
“Have you found Feodora?” The heavy set woman of medium height with brown hair and a simple gray dress expressed deep burdens of concern, reflected in her red, swollen, blue eyes.46
“No, there's been no news of her, yet. Do you have a recent photograph of her?”47
“No, no photographs.”48
The Saveli house, compared to the majority of the houses in Baday, suggested more spaciousness, probably three bedrooms, but definitely needed repairs. The interior paint, once white, now looked dusty and yellow.49
Behind Mrs. Saveli stood an older man with gray-streaked, dark hair, that Inga assumed was Mrs. Saveli's father. At a dining room table sat a woman of similar age and a girl of about twelve. Although the emotional atmosphere of the family neared that of terror, the atmosphere of the house implied comfort and love.50
Inga had called for assistance and additional officers from neighboring towns would soon arrive for the search.51
“Feodora often plays in the woods,” offered Mrs. Saveli. “But she's always back before dark.”52
Inga made every effort to allay the fears of the family as the search for Feodora continued and expanded. 53
54
55
Two days later the search for Feodora held no positive results. They kept expanding the area of the search.56
The man who called himself Demyan drove his car along a road where the houses were few and far apart. He slowed to speak to a girl who was walking in measured paces with an obvious attitude of determination to reach a set destination. “You seem to be in a hurry,” he said to the girl with a stick of candy in his mouth. As he had hoped, her eyes focused on the candy.57
“Yes, mister. It's almost time for supper.”58
He stopped the car and she stopped. His black car called little attention to itself, being rather a common make and model.59
Her light brown hair and hazel eyes accentuated her round face. She stood a little taller than Feodora and he guessed about a year or so older. By her apparel, he knew that she was of a poor family. Few of the people of this village had significant possessions. Her coat fit well, but was obviously worn. She wore a red scarf over the black coat and the hem of her gray dress reached her shins. Long white socks stretched beyond sight into her skirt.60
“Would you like a stick of candy?”61
Her eyes lit up. “Please, mister. Yes, I want one.”62
“Do you know where Georgy Street is?”63
“Yes....”64
Before she could give him directions, he said, “If you'll show me, I'll give you a piece of candy, and then I'll take you home.” He opened the car door for her and she got inside. He gave her a stick of candy.65
“Thanks, mister.”66
She never arrived home.67
68
“Inspector Ipati?”69
“Yes, comrade,” Boris Ipati replied to Inga Stanislav. She chose to drive to his office because of the serious nature of the situation. Although she shied away from direct contact with him, generally; she determined in this case she'd get more help in person. The smell of old cigarette smoke immediately assailed her senses.70
“In the past three days, two young girls have come up missing. I fear something sinister has happened to them.”71
The inspector was her superior. She always felt intimidated by his heavy build, dark hair, and eyes, and his bushy eyebrows, in spite of the fact he usually greeted her in an affable manner.72
“It does seem bad, is there no trace of them?”73
“So far, no. They're both from Baday, Dunyasha Nazar and Feodora Saveli.”74
“Any similarities?”75
“Beyond their disappearances, they were approximately the same age and size.”76
“Could they be runaways?” He took a cigarette, lit it, and inhaled deeply.77
“Not likely at their ages, one was ten and the other eleven.”78
“Not unless they vanished at the same time,” agreed Ipati.79
He shifted in his large, red, leather chair and Inga felt it necessary to straighten her posture for fear she was slouching. 80
Boris always felt that Stanislav was a handsome woman with her short brown hair and petite figure. He knew that though she appeared delicate, she was well toned and probably in better physical shape than himself.81
“I don't doubt that we'll find them, but I do doubt that they'll be alive. I think we have a killer on our hands.”82
“I'll put more people on it, right away. Since it is your area, I'll let you head it up. Keep me up to date.” He rose and she snapped to attention.83
Inga was both pleased and frightened by the responsibility she had just received. She was honored that Ipati placed such faith in her, but she was afraid of failing.84
85
“We found the body of Dunyasha Nazar," said Officer Makar over the phone in an official tone, though with a hint of horror Inga sensed in the young officer's voice.86
Inga wanted to scream inside when she heard the word body, though she had known she would. “What was the condition?”87
“Her throat was cut and apparently she was molested. She'd been stripped; her clothing scattered around her body.”88
What kind of monster were they after? Molesting and killing young girls, it was important to alert everybody in the community and neighboring townships and advise them to take precautions. “Take the body to the Examiner's quickly. I need to know all the details.”89
She rang off and called Inspector Ipati. “Dunyasha Nazar has been found, her throat cut. I think we can assume that the other girl is dead as well.”90
“Damn it!” he cursed futilely. “I couldn't help hoping. Any witnesses, yet?”91
“We haven't really started to canvas for witnesses.” Inga felt a little uneasy.92
“I just want to catch this guy before he strikes again.”93
“I think we should notify the newspaper. I'd like to make a statement.”94
“No,” barked Ipati. “That might cause unnecessary panic. Let's keep this investigation as quiet as possible. If the press contacts you, offer no comment other than the case is under investigation.”95
“Yes Sir.”96
A few hours later the Examiner called. “Police,” answered Inga.97
“Ilya Lyov, Examiner's office. Officer Stanislav, please.”98
“Speaking.”99
“Dunyasha Nazar died as a result of blood loss because of severed carotid arteries. She was then sexually molested.”100
“Molested after she was killed?”101
“Yes, that's correct.”102
“Anything else?” Inga felt sick to her stomach, a nausea of anger and disgust.103
“Not really, Stanislav, that pretty well covers it.”104
“Thanks,” she said and rang off. She called Ipati, filling him in105
106
Two days later, Feodora Saveli's body was found in the river, naked with her throat cut and apparently molested in a similar manner. Word of the murders spread throughout Baday, but they were not known in the surrounding communities. Inga felt this was a poor decision on the part of Ipati, but she had no choice but to go along with it. The people of Baday were closely watching their children, especially their daughters.107
Then the unexpected happened. Igna received a call from yet another panicked mother from Baday. After getting all the information, she called Inspector Ipati. When he heard her voice, he said, “Not another one!”108
“Yes, but this time it's a twelve year old boy.”109
“That really surprises me,” he admitted. “Usually these perverts have a sexual preference. I actually thought that boys were not his thing.”110
“I feel stupid for not considering it,” Inga confessed.111
“No more stupid than me. Let's not beat ourselves up about it. Instead let us catch the bastard.”112
“With everybody watching, I don't understand how he got this kid,” said Inga with immeasurable frustration.113
“Inga, I don't think anyone anticipated that he'd nab a boy.”114
“Do you think he'll strike again?” she asked.115
“I really don't know.”116
“I still think we should go to the newspaper. What if he goes somewhere else?”117
Ipati had the same fear, but he didn't want his superiors to feel it was out of his control. What they didn't know, he felt, would not come back at himself. He wanted to keep it confined to Baday.118
“Your comment, if you are asked, is still that it is under investigation. Don't give out any details.”119
“Yes Sir.” Inga was angry now. Did another child have to die?120
121
Ten year old Anastasiya Oleg disappeared from her home a day later. The time uncertain, her parents had left her at home with instructions not to leave the house. When they returned home, she was gone. Her body turned up in the woods in a similar condition to the others. On the same day, the boy's body was found in the river. He, too, had been killed and then molested.122
Inga was furious and her knuckles turned white with her excessive grip on the phone, “Either you go to the paper or I will. This maniac has got to be stopped. We have no witnesses and no physical evidence, beyond the bodies and the fact that he killed them with a very sharp instrument.”123
“Okay,” said Ipati. “Make the statement to the press. What are you going to say? That there is an unknown child killer on the loose? Can you imagine the panic you'd cause?”124
“Can you imagine another death?” she argued vehemently.125
Ipati could see it blowing up in his face either way. “I'll call the press myself and give them a statement,” he said finally.126
127
Officer Makar gave little notice to the black car as the man who called himself Demyan drove slowly away from Baday.128
It turned out after the press release, that there had been similar killings in other communities, small townships like Baday. The four murders in Baday were the last to be reported. No one was ever apprehended for the crimes.
Author notes
Ten Gold Winners:
A Present For Mom
Another Day In Iraq
Assassin2
Be Strong, Move Along
Blood Brothers
Broken Promises
California Dreamin'
Count Me In!!!
Dan And Dana's Dilemma
Dancing Alone
Pick up line: "My place or yours?"
"Malcolm Lowry rulez" - DreamWanderer - Andy Stephenson
This story is about a serial killer who abducts and kills children in small rural Russian communities. It also includes the efforts of the police to catch him.
Brutal
It pun ma
I haven't had any really happy Valentine's Days since I was in grade school, but I haven't had any real bad ones either.
A contest entry
- Enter your best short stories by quicksilver moon.
300 points, ended September 1, 2008, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Astraa Aparition by Doppleganger.
520 points, ended September 16, 2008, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Qualifying Round -The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
300 points, ended November 28, 2008, 62 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Kill That Cupid by Luckyk.
950 points, ended March 1, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - WRITE ME SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY GOOD. I WANT TO BE HOOKED FROM YOUR FIRST SENTENCE. I LIKE SURPRISE ENDINGS OF SORTS, BUT NOT ALWAYS. by Bernice DeLucchi.
525 points, ended May 12, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Psychological Thrillers...and then some by ley527.
100 points, ended June 2, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Ravings of A Madman [ Murder Story Contest ] by Asfand.
225 points, ended June 24, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The best of the best ... and the rest by colinlinder.
160 points, ended June 21, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Unique Gold Short Story Contest by gezza.
1350 points, ended August 15, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes Prompts and Non-Prompts by GrimDeath.
1000 points, ended October 12, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Enter What Your Proud Of !!! by tsh369.
435 points, ended September 2, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Open your vein, heart, and mind (Erotica Accepted) by FireByrd.
159 points, ended September 30, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 89 of 89
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This was long. But I guess you can say good. This was very interesting. It kinda lost me at the end though. But its all good. I liked it. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!
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Hi Sheila!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you like this story.
Andy
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I am amazed at your ability to tell most of a story using dialog. And such a heart wrenching subject. I’m sad the guy wasn’t caught but even if he was there is always another one walking among us. Scary. Great Job.
Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
Th.
A couple of things I thought you might be interested in.
#57 the houses were few and (far) apart.
#118 Impati = Ipati -
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Hi Tammy!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Fixed the boo boos. Thanks for catching them. It never fails to amaze me how typos will slip by. This story has been read by me several times and by another forty or so people and those mistakes hadn't been caught
.
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Sad
Just to remind us it goes on every place. children are not safe in any country from stalkers and killers. wii they never learn to avoid stragers?.
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Hi there!
Yes this is a sad tale. It was the result of a contest prompt for a Russian serial killer in a small village. I like to write dark stories and this is what I came up with.
I'd like to hope that the world is becoming a better place.
Andy
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That was very good and well written. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Hi there!
I'm very pleased that you like this story. I hope fares well in your contest. Thanks for hosting, reading, and commenting.
Andy
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I loved it; it was very interesting and dark. I liked it just as well the second time around as the first. Great job, and thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Hi there GD!
Hmm. Sorry about entering a story you'd read before
. I'm very glad you still like it. I added to it a while back, maybe you read it before the revision.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading again and commenting.
Andy
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Andy, this is a very good story. It isn't a classic short story, as it doesn't have a conclusion with a twist, or strong message - but then again, there is obviously a strong message of police politics hampering the course of apprehension of the monster. I don't consider it a weakness, but I thought the denouement could have been more penetrating (minor point, believe me).
Love the exotic setting for the story (shades of Gorky Park!)
The construction of the story is excellent - the innocence and beauty of the child, and the sense of horror approaching was tangible - the pit of my stomach was working its thing early on, which is no mean feat. Using Inga's POV for most of the story was well orchestrated, and her characterisation, as well as her superior's, was also excellent.
I found a smattering of grammatical errors with dialogue - wont go into it, as it matters little in this case.
Overall, a masterful piece. Thanks for allowing me to read it.
cheers
Gerry
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Hi Gerry!
It was hard to decide which story to enter in this contest. I don't really know your preferences. Although this story is not one of my best trophy winners, I was pleased with the way it turned out.
I often write stories in which the villain gets away and lives happily ever after. Those stories are a little less common. In this particular story, I felt that capture of the killer was less effective than his disappearance.
I'm glad you like the basic point of view coming from Inga. I actually researched Russian names and places for this story and those are authentic.
I'll have to go over the dialogue, I guess. The only problem I was aware of there, was an intentional error in the girl's mother's speech, indicating a lack of sophistication.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story.
This is an interesting contest.
Andy
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Welld one, very well written good luck in my contest!!!
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you like my story.
Andy
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I'm DQing this entry for not adhering to the rules of my contest.
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Oops!
Forgot about the word limit while I was looking for the other story.
Hope you enjoy your contest.
Andy
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I can understand why this has won so many awards. It's nicely written, very chilling, and the way it lurches through time is reminiscent of the kind of trail such a man would leave for the police to follow. Good dialouge as well.
Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest! -
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Hi!
Thanks very much for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm pleased you like this story.
Did you like the way I ended this story, with the killer disappearing and the cases left unsolved?
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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I did like the ending. It's very fitting for a short story and challenges our notions of happy endings. If, however, you ever decided to make this longer, I think it would benefit from a bigger search and perhaps the killer being caught.
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Well,
The story could definitely be expanded and the killer could be caught.
In a lot of my stories, the killer gets away with the crime and lives happily ever after
.
Andy
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Interesting tale, well written, enjoyable read, scary concept. Thanks for entering this in my contest
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like my story.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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This was a very good story. Average characterization and really well thought-out. I cringed at the end to know that the killer gets. It's well-written and very nice!
I think you should expand more. It left me with a sense of unease. I felt it was rather incomplete. I would also love to have seen more emotion from the killer, to know more about him, his motivation, his drive, his thoughts and all that.
Nonetheless, it's good!
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Hi Asfand!
Because child molestation and pedophilia are touchy subjects and difficult to depict within the confines of Storywrite policy, it was difficult to attempt to go very deeply into psychological description of the killer. My focus was more on the innocence of the children in order to build more feeling against the killer from the readers.
The story could definitely be expanded, though fleshing out is not my strength.
Thanks for hosting, reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story.
Andy
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Thank you for your entry. This was good. I feel it could be expanded on, but for this purpose it was well done, with a lot of good detail. Good luck
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Hi!
I'm glad you like this story.
I find it difficult to expand stories. Usually when I try to rewrite them, I don't really change much. I'm co-writing a novel with Geri Fitzsimmons. She is very good at fleshing out stories.
Thanks for hosting, reading, and commenting.
Andy
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I have to agree with you Andy. There were maybe a small semi-colon, comma things, but usually that is up to how the writer wants the story to read. I thought grammatically this is pretty sound, and have to disagree with ph34master04. I don't think there is much you can change. As far as the story goes, I liked this story from you better than most. I like it when there are good guys in your stories, not just serial killers. The details for russian towns were also very good. I can tell you did a little research on this. Nice write.
-iliad-
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Hi Iliad!
I'm glad you agree. I'm not sure if you read over it before or after I finished going over it again. I made a few changes, but I don't know if he'll like it better or not.
Every now and then I even write a story in which the good guy wins(or girl). If you'd like, I can direct you to some of those, erotic or non-erotic.
Lately I've been writing and reading some cannibal/Dolcett. It appeals to my dark and sexual fantasies.
After I finish the Storywrite anthology, I'm going to start writing for prompts in most any contest that strikes my interest. I want to expand my craft.
In the stories with the serial killers, usually the good guys are the victims, but they're in the stories
.
I really appreciate you reading me as much as you do.
Andy
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I found quite a few grammatical errors in this story. Otherwise, it was actually quite interesting. However, I regret to tell you that if the majority of these grammatical errors are not fixed before the last day of the contest, then your entry will have to be deleted, as stated in the rules. I am not doing this to be mean-- I have to do this to be fair. Thank you for entering. Good luck!
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Hmm?
I think you must be drunk, but I'll have another look at it.
Andy
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Though the only errors I really found were places where there should have been commas. This is no big deal, so don't worry about it too much-- those few grammatical errors are not enough to get you disqualified.
Oh, look! I stole your kitty! Hahahaha! *runs away*
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Haha, thanks for your understanding... though I am pretty sure I am not drunk. *shifty eyes* Ahem. Now then... *walks off in zigzags*
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Well,
For better or worse, I did go back over it and I did make some changes. I tend to agree with Iliad that some of the comma and semi-colon placement are subjective more than anything else.
Who knows? Lawrie usually rocks my boat when he reads my stuff.
I've got my kitty back
!
Now leave it alone
!
Andy
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What an excellent read! And a really good story!!
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Hi Bernice!
I was challenged to do this story by a contest. The host had a prompt for 'serial killers'. You know how I love to write about those. Well, the specifics were that the killings should take place in a small Russian town. I had to research Russian towns and names.
I was pleased with this story, but in that contest I only got bronze. While I was waiting for the contest to be judged, I won gold in another
.
I'm glad you like this story. Thanks for all the applause.
Andy
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Good morning Andy, figured I would visit the group and do a bit of reading.
The sun came out early so I'm safe
Now what are you looking for here? I read it over but I don't think you have made any changes?
You already won enough contests and got enough opinions (I read it twice before
). You should not only be pleased--but you should be marketing it.
This was a grand read, with an interesting plot and great characters the first time I read it; it hasn't changed.
Geri
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Hi Geri!
The person who commented on this story before you didn't think it was that good
.
Actually, I did rewrite it recently. I fleshed it out, adding more to the killer's character and had Inga visit the family of Feordora.
Fleshing out is still not a strength.
Are you ready for me to post 46?
Andy
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The piece was generally well-written, interesting setting (rather unusual, and the names are a mouthful, to be sure), but I didn't feel it was much of a story. I would say more of an excerpt, but it lacked a clear rising action and resolution. Also, I wouldn't have put so much dialogue, but altogether, I can see that you are a talented writer.
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Hi!
I chose to leave it more or less unresolved because I allowed the killer to go uncaptured. Having done that, there didn't seem much else to do with it. I write a lot of stories in which the bad guy gets away with his or her crimes.
I'm better at dialogue than with fleshing out a story, but I'm working to improve that. Actually, in fact, I've rewritten this story and added detail and description. I guess it's still a little bare bones.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Thanks for the entry...
And thanks for being the first to actually provide me with a conspectus. I've set a goal of one view every two days - I'm going over every story multiple times, with a microscope. In my word Nazi uniform, jackboots and all (hey, it's my contest, I put up a bucket load of points so I'm entitled, just this once). So here we go: this is the strongest entry yet (most polished, best grammar, etc). You are a writer of obvious skill.
That being said, I found this entry to be a dialogue heavy, nothing wrong with that (the dialogue IS good), save for the way it detracted from my "picture" request. That is to say my requested details are missing. I see no image of Feodora, Inga, Demyan or their surroundings. Perhaps this is my fault; I thought I was [relatively] clear (re-reading I'm reasonably sure I relayed the point).
Like I said, a strong write, just not the *style* I seek.
I shant worry myself over this; I can tell you have a wall full of gold trophies donning your homepage... and many more to come :-)
Dream
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Hi Dream!
I decided to go ahead and revise this story adding more detail and description. It's still has a lot of dialogue, but I think you'll like it better.
Andy
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Hi Dream!
I intend to flesh this story out with more detail and description. If I get to it before your contest closes, I'll message you.
Thanks very much for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Interesting. You had a very eerie and lifelike story to tell - I'm angered by the fact that things like this really do happen. It didn't pull me in too much emotionally, but the subject matter was still very interesting, and the mysterious stranger was certainly creepy. This is being considered for the finalists' list. =)
Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest. -
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Hi!
I hope at some time to flesh this story out more, going into the psychological side of the killer and the emotional distress of Feodora's mother. I may also try to bring out more emotion in Inga's character.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I'm pleased that you're considering me as a finalist.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Okay, Andy!
Here's my feeling: As a piece of creative prose, I find it readable, well written, and lots more palatable than some of your other pieces with which I had some difficulty. BUT...I'm tired of reading about this all too prevalent stuff in NEWSPAPERS day after day (so I don't read those papers!lol!) So why...would I find this compelling now? In simple terms..."What else is new?" Don't we read short stories to escape from day to day reportage and assorted junk? Don't we read to learn something new? What's "new" here? It's painful...and provides no answers. It's painful and offers no solutions. It's painful...and reveals NOTHING new. Perverts, pedophiles and wackos. So...I am left with...it's painful! I want to be amused...entertained...informed...not pained. I am not enamoured of this subject matter. Are you?
I know I haven't been as dutiful as I might have reading your work (and I get the feeling you don't need my comments) but it just isn't my kind of material. I'm not learning anything new...and I'm not amused. This stuff is miserable stuff... UGLY! and it's indeed lamentable that it's out there. But if we don't know that already, we only have to glance at ANY paper. Why are the talents, time and skills of Andy Stephenson needed to bring it all closer to the surface of our consciousness? -
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Well, Gary, you make valid points.
For a long time my writing focused on vampire erotica, horror, and crime. It has been my specialty for a long time. After experiences that began in April of 2005 through early part of June, I had a lot of internal anger and pain I was working out of my system. I began writing vampire erotica and developed a large fan base. Although the stories were very repetitious, my customers liked them. I wrote to please, while working out my emotions.
Well, now because of having written many of these types of stories, I find it very easy to write them. In this particular instance, the challenge of the prompt of the contest was to write about a serial killer in a small Russian town. Well I took to the challenge immediately and eagerly. Primary goal, to win another contest(I'm a contest whore).
I researched Russian names and places and went with the idea that flourished into this story. I only got third in the contest, but I was pleased with the finished story. I gave it what I call a European ending(Nobody wins.).
Accept that this helped hone my craft and many people like to read this type of story, I guess it has no redeeming value. Guilty as charged.
Would you like to me to find some stories that may have a little spiritual insight? If you like music, I have some excellent songs with great lyrics in my opinion, although, you shot one of those down..
Andy
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Another terrific write from you. Your style always suits me. You never leaden your stories with unnecessary details.
But, there are some points in this, the middle particularly, that feel as though they could do with some 'fleshing out.'
I particularly enjoyed the ending. "No one was ever apprehended for the crimes." A great way to end this. -
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Hi!
Thanks very much for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm greatly pleased that you like this story. I do plan to rewrite and flesh it out more.
I felt that it was a good way to end the story. It's not the traditional good guy wins.
Andy
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this is a sad and cruel but true story of the perverts and heartless and guiltless people in this world that we live in. i would really like to know what inspired you to write this honestly? i'm writing a story a little similar to this for the 3 years now. i'll definetly bare this in mind when i resume my story. THANKS ALOT FOR ENTERING
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Hi!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I hope you like this story.
This was inspired by a contest with a prompt for a serial killer in a small Russian town. The names of characters and the location in Russia are real popular Russian names and an actual location. The story, however, is strictly fiction.
Andy
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Very interesting. Its very sad but very dark and interesting. Great Job! Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
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Hi Grim!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you like this story.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Hmm...very interesting. It has me hooked the entire way through. Great job.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you like the story.
If when you comment on a story your comments are a hundred characters or more, you'll earn points on them.
Andy
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Let's start off with the technical stuff.
Your sentence structuring varies quite a bit throughout this piece. Some are run-ons while others are far too short and precise. Mixing these together resulted in a somewhat awkward reading experience. I can only liken it to turbulence on a plane ride. I feel like the writing could flow better if rewritten with a little more consistency. Otherwise the writing is just fine, with only a few grammatical errors. Nothing a good proof-read couldn't iron out.
The story itself simply isn't much of a story. It feels like you started off right; setting everything up and letting us get to know some characters. Then as the story progresses, the details become fewer and elaboration completely dries up. Once we get to the end, the piece simply stops. There's no catharsis and it seems like you just sort of gave up on it. I finished it thinking "Is that all I get?" I felt like you lost interest as the story progressed and this feeling is easily passed on to the reader.
The police in the story are nothing more than lines of stock dialogue and, quite frankly, aren't very good at their jobs. I was hoping for some kind of emotional connection with them since they are the constant characters and therefore the ones the reader is supposed to relate to. Flesh them out more. Does Boris have a thing for Inga? Does one of them personally know one of the victims? Maybe one of them knows the killer. Or IS the killer!
I think you should revisit this story and keep it going. Elaborate and give it the proper ending it deserves. You clearly have talent and I think you should push this one as far as it goes! -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and the suggestions. I appreciate it.
I'm glad you feel this story has potential.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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You're very welcome! Stay tuned for the sequel... BEYOND THUNDERDOME.
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“I don't doubt that we'll find them, but I do doubt that they'll be alive. I think we have a killer on our hands.”68 (I understand how such conclusions could be drawn, but is this not jumping the gun somewhat??)
She rang (should this be “ran”
off and called Inspector Ipati. “Dunyasha Nazar has been found, her throat cut. I think we can assume that the other girl is dead as well.”76
“Thanks,” she said and rang off (aha, here it is again, I believe this is a phrase that means “hung up”, apologies, just not familiar with it!). She called Ipati and filled him in.91
Great piece of writing, your knowledge of police speak, details of how they work, everything about this reeks of a genuine case. It is so realistic I find it hard to believe that you are not a published author.
The names of protagonists and places alongside their descriptions further add to the realism. Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration!
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like this story.
This story turned out really well, I think, but I intend to flesh it out a little more when I rewrite it later.
Rang off and hung up are the same.
Andy
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Though I really liked how this started, it come across as rushed and incomplete as it continued - it felt more like a summary and selective scenes from a much longer story - or a novel. I do like that you gave the story variety with the setting and the character names, but I felt that it lacked depth and a degree of emotional impact.
Thank you for your entry in Share the Spoils.
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Thanks Jodie
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. The story needs work. It would be nice if I had a story that didn't.
I hope you had a good time with your contest.
Andy
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Sorry Andy
I must say I didn't like this one too much. I suck as a virtual friend. The ending was flat the descriptions weak and you lost me at about three quaters in. Readers need a reason to keep reading. They need to feel the pain or need. You didn't make me like or dislike you characters they were all very bland. Even the killer. Sorry, gotta be honest. I will keep reading though. Only one bad review aint bad. -
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Well,
I meant for the killer to be vague, but I intend to rewrite this to add more feeling and suspense. Thanks for being honest. You make a good virtual friend. It wouldn't be good if you were dishonest.
Andy
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In the first paragraph, the second sentence: "Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky." I think this would be better as a full sentence and then "It was winter, yes, but nowhere near as cold as could be expected soon" would work as the following sentence.
The following sentence details Feodora's coat. If it's hand-me-down, it's obvious that it was given to her by someone else who no longer had any use of it - as that's what "hand-me-down" means.
I am wondering, though, if this is a true story of if it's one of your own imagination. If it's your own creation, then I think more could be added to it to make it even more evolving. For example, I think that you could have detailed the criminal more closely and given a few more physical and mental descriptions of him.
And the children, as well, seemed distantly described. And only two of the four children were detailed. I think you could have added more information about the investigations, the families, and even the deaths.
The effort of the police seems quite limited, though I think you were aiming for that. Still, I feel that the story would have benefited from a little interaction of the police with the families of the victims, or with the bodies. For example, since Igna was unhappy with the decision not to go public with the information, I think she should have ventured beyond her orders and tried to track down the criminal herself.
I'm not entirely sure what time period this is based in, and I think that that could have an effect on how law enforced would react to this kind of crime. The knowledge they seem to have regarding similar crimes resembles the kind of information that police would have nowadays rather than a hundred or so years ago.
The time period could easily be conveyed through at least one additional scene – and would work well if incorporated into a scene also involving Igna's personal investigation of the crimes. And, I really think that after a few investigations, Impati would find out about her going against his orders and there would a very tense conflict. That would add to the story a lot of emotion and probably even help the readers feel more closely familiar with Igna and her resolve.
Speaking of resolve, there isn't much of a resolution to this story. And, I know that it is meant to end with the reader feeling disappointed about the criminal getting away with four gruesome murders. But, the criminal could at least have a run-in with the police – or at the very least, with Igna.
The only problems I noticed were the ones I mentioned. Overall, this story is very well written and very well detailed. Still, it could be longer and could involve a greater level of action and emotion. Nonetheless, you have a talent for this, Andy. Great work! Thanks for sharing this. And good luck in your contests. -
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Thank you for the very detail critique.
I agree about the first sentence and I'll do something about the redundancy of Feodora's coat.
Fleshing out is one of my weak spots, but I do want the killer to be vague. I'll have to think about this. Site policy does not permit anything which might seem to suggest explicit sex with minors, so I intentionally avoided detail there. As to motivation, I'm therefore somewhat limited. Delfishie had a good piece involving a man with sexual feelings toward a child, but stayed away from details. It merely alluded. I'll see what I can come up with. I could give him more of a physical description that only the children see.
I didn't want to become too repetitious about the kidnappings, so I chose to detail only two of them. I guess I might detail another one and/or expand a little more about the two already described.
Having Inga tell the family of one of the children's deaths would make a good addition, but I think it should only be done once.
Inga's is actually directly over the investigation, but I could make it seem that she is getting close to the killer, but for the killer to escape, she can't get too close. Perhaps a description of a car that was new to the area or something.
It's set in modern time, but I want that a little vague so that it will read, allowing the reader to picture for themself the town and the era.
If I stretch it out, I can give Inga and Impati more conflict.
I think, rather than having the killer have a run in with Inga, I may have a police officer tell her about having seen the car and man, but having noted little or nothing about it. The ending is a little lacking. I'll work on it. It definitely looks like I have my work cut out for me
Thanks again for the review.
*Andy*
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“My neighbors and me have searched all over for her. It's late and it may freeze tonight,” the concern in the woman's voice was obvious. Inga could imagine a matronly woman with tears running down her face.27" I would change me to I. I really enjoyed this and felt it was really well written. Very enjoyable my friend
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Hmm.
Now I don't remember if 'me' was intentional or not. I feel like the improper use of English in this case might add to the feeling of distress the woman has. She's a woman of lower station. What do you think?
I'm glad you like it. Thanks for catching 'me'. I'm thinking on it, but I'd like your further opinion. Thanks also for all the applause.
Andy
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I really think you did an excellent job.
The interaction with the criminal and the children (esp. that part about the doll) were excellently executed.
Although this story is rather cut and dry (with it based mainly around dialogue and small paragraphs of description), I think that you more than managed to keep me interested. I just HAD to know what was going to happen to this criminal, if he would ever be stopped.
Also, I didn't like Inspector Ipati - I really think that he was part of what was going on. I mean, better safe than sorry, right? He obviously lives by something entirely different.
The Russian names of places and people were really well done. Some of them were hard to pronounce, but I guess that's Russia for you - unless you've lived there before.
The last paragraph makes me feel as though there should be more. I would like to see this man apprehended, though. I simply hate him.
Good luck in your future writerly endeavors,
Lady Editor
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
This story was for a contest that wanted a serial killer in a small Russian village. I found the village and Russian names at Wikipedia and on Google. They are authentic. The story is fictional, though someone told me that it is similar to a real case. That's completely coincidental.
I'm sorry if the last paragraph seems incomplete. The bad guys are usually caught in stories. I wanted to break from the norm.
Andy
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Very captivating story Andy. It kept my attention all through.
I like the small time shifts after each pause. It had you wondering at each pause if another child had been killed.
It was interesting how you started it with the killer coming upon the first girl in a seemingly friendly manner luring her with a doll and candy. It was pretty obvious he was up to no good but the extent he took it to was rather surprising. He was one sick dude.
Good plot line and it flowed well. The placement in Russia and the names gave it a slightly different feel. It also helps give credence to the captains reluctance to reporting it to the public. That would never happen here under such circumstances. Or so we would hope. *scratches head*
The only typo I caught is a misplaced end quotation mark in p.72.
I enjoyed reading this twisted tale.
Nicely done. Congrats on the trophies.
Greg
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Thanks Greg!
I was trying to win a contest with this story. The requirements were a serial killer in a small Russian village. I thought the story turned out very well, but in only got bronze in the contest for which it was written.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like it.
Andy
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The conversations between the Monster and the innocent youngsters were done perfectly.
Andy, I enjoyed this story as much as I did the first time. Well, enjoyed might not be the correct term
. People might think I’m kinky—but then I am aren’t I 
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What I was attempting to put into words is you did a terrific job of constructing this plot. By allowing the reader to ‘See’ and hear almost everything that is happening through the characters' use of dialogue and action, you breathed life into the story.
The narrator is so behind the scenes as to be invisible.
The conversations between the Monster and the innocent youngsters were done perfectly. The Russian children were coerced by the same methods or delights as any child.
You know I read an article about a Russian serial killer who targeted children. Many of the cases were never connected until after the Soviet Union folded.
Apparently he moved unhampered around the country but since he was never captured, and the authorties tried to keep it hushed up, no one every discovered how he did it or how many young victims he claimed.
Congratulations on trophies.
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Geri
Thanks for reading and commenting again. I appreciate it.
So, there was actually a serial killer similar to this? Didn't know that. As you know, this was inspired initially by a contest. I think it turned out well. I'm glad you like the way it turned out.
Andy
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This really kept my attention. I did not see any glaring punctuation or grammar errors.
I thought the story flowed well. I liked the way you kept the abductor vague. I thought this added to the story in that in most crimes like this, the abductor is vague, until he is caught.
The setting, a small Russian village, allowed me to believe that children could be so easily abducted. Small villages are usually safe. Fedora was used to the woods, she knew them well. He mother did not worry until she did not return.
I really enjoyed this story. Good luck in the contest
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Thank You
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like this story. Although I often write crime stories, this was a departure from the norm in that it is set in Russia.
Andy
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The claps didn't show up.
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Apparently Russians don't teach their children all that stuff about candy from strangers and such. I know my grandparents told me that stuff all the time.
That's democracy for you. Mmm... democracy. -
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Hi there!
This is a small rural community in Russia and the assumption is that strangers are a rarity and not regarded with fear. That may not actually be the case, but it is fiction.
Speaking of democracy, who do you figure for president? I'm not crazy about the choices, but I prefer Democrat. I really have no idea who'll win.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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interesting...i like the foreign names as well. this seems to jump around a lot though, and doesn't go into a lot of depth and detail. but an intersting read.
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Thank You
I'm glad that you like the Russian names. They're legitimate names. Also the town is real.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Andy
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I think your missing some breaks for the story IE *** that could just be the way I interputed it. Very well written and nice flow. I had a good understanding what was going on job well done.
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Thanks Neal
I'm glad you like this story. It was a little different for me. Setting it in a small Russian village, I had to do some research. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
How are things going?
Andy
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I thought that this was a fairly good story and had a fairly decent premise. However, I was dissapointed in the fact that it seemed to jump around a little too much. That however, is simply my personal preference. The story could have been dragged out a little longer and that would have helped with some of the detail and the overall flow. Overall a very decent attempt. Good luck. Das ve dania.
-Raven -
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Thank You
Though I did write it for you contest, I like the results a lot. Thanks for hosting, reading and commenting. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Great piece of work! Smooth flow. I wished you'd punish the killer but... Oh well! Nice portraying of the mindset of people in small townships. If only the other communities were as willing as Baday, the killings would have stopped a long time ago. Accurate observation. We in this part of the world see a lot of similar situations, with so many villages. Keep writing!! All the best in the contest!!
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Thanks Kirin
It won gold in one of the contests, but I've yet to see how it will do in the contest for which it was written. I'm glad you like this story.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Andy
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Great story! I didnt know how time passed when I read the story. It had the fast paced action feel to it that I didnt take my eyes off it for before it was completely over. I felt sad for the poor kids. I have just one suggestion in a perfectly written story
"Feodora was used to the cold and the hand-me-down coat she had inherited from her older sister when she'd out-grown it was big on her and warm." I think this sentence could be broken into two because as it is, its a bit confusing.
Thanks for entering this story in the contest
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
This story was a little different from my norm. I'm very pleased that you like it.
I've reworked that sentence and I think it reads much better now. Thanks for pointing it out.
Andy
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Andy, you certainly stayed within the contest rules.
The plot is well defined, the killer and abuser is a rather vague character that we only get a glimpse of in the early part of the story. But we follow his actions without trouble in this almost ‘Police Report’ narrative.
I like the way you present the children; you allow enough so the reader can feel sorry for them and anger at their killer, but you don’t over-indulge us in their terrible plight.
The dialogue between the officers works very well. Not only does it move the plot along, but also allows insight into the police policy and procedures which are apparently similar the world over.
“You got a politically explosive situation, so keep it as quiet as you can.”
“Works for me---if it doesn’t involve me or mine.”
Of course if ‘Joe Public’ knew, it might save a few lives, isn’t part of the deal. They can’t chance riots or vigilantes, which would reflect poorly on the Government.
I didn’t really edit. But I did notice this; Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky, winter yes, but no where (nowhere) near the cold, which could be expected soon.
And this; “I'll put (more more) do you want more twice?) people on it, right away.
Good luck in the contest.
Geri
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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