It was cold out, but not freezing. Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky, winter yes, but nowhere near the cold, which could be expected soon. Feodora was used to the cold and the hand-me-down coat, which she had inherited from her older sister when she'd out-grown it, was big on her and warm. She had spent most of her ten years in Baday on the Bolshaya Belaya River, a small village of ten thousand or so. Feodora was talking with her imaginary friend in the woods near the cottage her mother and grandparents shared with her and her older sister.1
Startled, she heard a deep voice saying, “And who might this be?” Feodora looked up to see a man with a doll in his hand. “Who is the light-haired blonde who has come upon us?” he asked the doll. The doll was pretty with dark hair and blue glass eyes.2
“Feodora,” said the girl almost to herself.3
“Did you hear something?” he spoke to the doll.4
“Feodora,” she said much louder.5
“Ah, Feodora. That's a pretty name.”6
“What's your name?”7
“Demyan and this is Inna,” he replied, indicating the doll and smiling brightly.8
“Why do you talk to a doll?” asked Feodora, her sky-blue eyes sparkling with mischief.9
“Well, who were you talking with when you were talking? I didn't see anybody? At least I have a doll to talk with.”10
She blushed three shades of red. “I was just singing,” she lied.11
“I see.”12
“What are you doing here? You don't live around here, do you?”13
“Inna and I thought this would be a good place to play. Would you like to play with us?”14
Feodora recognized no danger in this stranger. Strangers were rare in Baday.15
“Yes. I want to play.”16
“See if you can keep up with us,” said Demyan. “If you can, I'll let you play with Inna.”17
He walking quickly further into the woods, Feodora followed closely behind him. She had no fear. She knew the woods well.18
19
20
“Police,” answered Inga Stanislav.21
“My daughter hasn't come home. Something terrible must've happened!”22
“Just a moment...what's your name?”23
“Agalaya Saveli in Baday. My daughter....”24
Baday was in the Usolsky District of Irkutsk Oblast, Russia. Inga was one of the officers assigned to the Usolsky District.25
“Relax, Ms. Saveli. Your daughter probably got lost.”26
“My neighbors and me have searched all over for her. It's late and it may freeze tonight,” the concern in the woman's voice was obvious. Inga could imagine a matronly woman with tears running down her face.27
“Please describe her,” said Stanislav.28
“She's got light blonde hair and gray-blue eyes. You've got to find her!”29
“What was she wearing?”30
“A dark blue dress and a brown coat.”31
“How tall is she?”32
“137 cm. Please help!”33
“About what does she weigh?”34
“I think about 32 kg.”35
“And what is her full name?”36
“Feodora Saveli. Please find her!”37
“How old is she?”38
“She's only ten.”39
“Okay, she'll probably turn up okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Where are you located?”40
“The last house on Vadim Rd.”41
42
43
Two days later the search for Feodora had held no positive results. They kept expanding the area of the search. The man who called himself Demyan was driving in his car. Along a road where the houses were few and apart, he slowed to speak to a girl who was walking in measured paces with an obvious attitude of determination to reach a set destination. “You seem to be in a hurry,” he said to the girl with a stick of candy in his mouth. As he had hoped, her eyes focused on the candy.44
“Yes, mister. It's almost time for supper.” 45
He stopped the car and she stopped.46
She had light brown hair and hazel eyes. She was a little taller than Feodora. She was also a year older. By her apparel, he knew that she was of a poor family. Few of the people of this village had significant possessions. Her coat fit well, but was obviously worn. She wore a red scarf over the black coat and the hem of her gray dress reached her shins. Long white socks stretched beyond sight into her skirt. 47
“Would you like a stick of candy?”48
Her eyes lit up. “Please, mister. Yes I do.”49
“Do you know where Georgy Street is?”50
“Yes....”51
Before she could give him directions, he said, “If you'll show me, I'll give you a piece of candy and then I'll take you home.” He opened the car door for her and she got inside. He gave her a stick of candy.52
“Thanks, mister.”53
She never arrived home.54
55
“Inspector Ipati?”56
“Yes, comrade,” Boris Ipati replied to Inga Stanislav.57
“In the past three days, two young girls have come up missing. I fear something sinister has happened to them.”58
The inspector was her superior. She always felt intimidated by his heavy build, dark hair and eyes, and his bushy eyebrows in spite of the fact he was always affable with her.59
“It does seem bad, is there no trace of them?”60
“So far, no. They are both from Baday, Dunyasha Nazar and Feodora Saveli.”61
“Any similarities?”62
“Beyond their disappearances, they were approximately the same age and size.”63
“Could they be runaways?”64
“Not likely at their ages, one was ten and the other eleven.”65
“Not unless they vanished at the same time,” agreed Ipati.66
He shifted in his large, red leather chair and Inga felt it necessary to straighten her posture for fear she was slouching. Boris always felt that Stanislav was a handsome woman with her short brown hair and petite figure. He knew that though she appeared delicate, she was well toned and probably in better physical shape than himself.67
“I don't doubt that we'll find them, but I do doubt that they'll be alive. I think we have a killer on our hands.”68
“I'll put more people on it, right away. Since it is your area, I'll let you head it up. Keep me up to date.”69
Inga was both pleased and frightened by the responsibility she had just received. She was honored that Ipati placed such faith in her, but she was afraid of failing.70
71
“We found the body of Dunyasha Nazar," said Officer Makar.72
Inga wanted to scream inside when she heard the word body, though she had known she would. “What was the condition?”73
“Her throat was cut and apparently she was molested. Her clothing was scattered around her body.”74
What kind of monster were they after? Molesting and killing young girls, it was important to make certain that everybody in the community and neighboring townships take precautions. “Take the body to the Examiner's quickly. I need to know all the details.”75
She rang off and called Inspector Ipati. “Dunyasha Nazar has been found, her throat cut. I think we can assume that the other girl is dead as well.”76
“Damn it!” he cursed futilely. “I couldn't help hoping. Any witnesses yet?”77
“We haven't really started to canvas for witnesses.” Inga felt a little uneasy.78
“I just want to catch this guy before he strikes again.” 79
“I think we should notify the papers in the area. I'd like to make a statement.”80
“No,” barked Ipati. “That might cause unnecessary panic. Let's keep this investigation as quiet as possible. If the press contacts you, offer no comment other than the case is under investigation.”81
“Yes Sir.”82
A few hours later the Examiner called. “Police,” answered Inga.83
“Ilya Lyov, Examiner's office. Officer Stanislav, please.”84
“Speaking.”85
“Dunyasha Nazar died as a result of blood loss because of severed carotid arteries. She was then sexually molested.”86
“Molested after she was killed?”87
“Yes, that's correct.”88
“Anything else?”89
“Not really, Stanislav, that pretty well covers it.”90
“Thanks,” she said and rang off. She called Ipati and filled him in.91
92
Two days later, Feodora Saveli's body was found in the river, naked with her throat cut and apparently molested in a similar manner. Word of the murders spread throughout Baday, but they were not known in the surrounding communities. Inga felt this was a poor decision on the part of Ipati, but she had no choice but to go along with it. The people of Baday were closely watching their children, especially their daughters.93
Then the unexpected happened. Igna received a call from yet another panicked mother from Baday. After getting all the information she called Inspector Ipati. When he heard her voice, he said, “Not another one!”94
“Yes, but this time it's a twelve year old boy.”95
“That really surprises me,” he admitted. “Usually these perverts have a sexual preference. I actually thought that boys were not his thing.”96
“I feel stupid for not considering it,” Inga confessed.97
“No more stupid than I. Let's not beat ourselves up about it. Instead let us catch the bastard.”98
“With everybody watching, I don't understand how he got this kid.”99
“Inga, I don't think anyone anticipated that he'd nab a boy.”100
“Do you think he'll strike again?” she asked.101
“I really don't know.”102
“I still think we should go to the newspapers. What if he goes somewhere else?”103
Impati had the same fear, but he didn't want his superiors to feel it was out of his control. What they didn't know, he felt, would not come back at himself. He wanted to keep it confined to Baday.104
“Your comment, if you are asked, is still that it is under investigation. Don't give out any details.”105
“Yes Sir.” Inga was angry now. Did another child have to die?106
107
Ten year old Anastasiya Oleg disappeared from her home a day later. The time uncertain, her parents had left her at home with instructions not to leave the house. When they returned home, she was gone. Her body turned up in the woods in a similar condition to the others. On the same day, the boy's body was found in the river. He, too, had been killed and then molested.108
Inga was furious, “Either you go to the papers or I will. This maniac has got to be stopped. We have no witnesses and no physical evidence beyond the bodies and the fact that he killed them with a very sharp instrument.”109
“Okay,” said Ipati. “Make the statement to the press. What are you going to say? That there is an unknown child killer on the loose? Can you imagine the panic you'd cause?”110
“Can you imagine another death?” she argued vehemently.111
Ipati could see it blowing up in his face either way. “I'll call the press myself and give them a statement,” he said finally.112
It turned out after the press release that there had been similar killings in other communities, small townships like Baday. The four murders in Baday were the last to be reported. No one was ever apprehended for the crimes.113
Author notes
Well, Jodie, you whip my ass regularly in contests and this contest will probably draw others who will beat my ass, but I've decided to enter it anyway. I don't know if you've read this story or not, but I think it deserves another gold
.
Andy
- Monsters Demons and Villains group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Enter your best short stories by quicksilver moon.
300 points, ended September 1, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Astraa Aparition by Doppleganger.
520 points, ended September 16, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Are you...mostly clean? by CactusJack.
100 points, ends December 5, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Qualifying Round -The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
300 points, ended November 28, 71 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Though I really liked how this started, it come across as rushed and incomplete as it continued - it felt more like a summary and selective scenes from a much longer story - or a novel. I do like that you gave the story variety with the setting and the character names, but I felt that it lacked depth and a degree of emotional impact.
Thank you for your entry in Share the Spoils.
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Thanks Jodie
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. The story needs work. It would be nice if I had a story that didn't.
I hope you had a good time with your contest.
Andy
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Sorry Andy
I must say I didn't like this one too much. I suck as a virtual friend. The ending was flat the descriptions weak and you lost me at about three quaters in. Readers need a reason to keep reading. They need to feel the pain or need. You didn't make me like or dislike you characters they were all very bland. Even the killer. Sorry, gotta be honest. I will keep reading though. Only one bad review aint bad. -
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Well,
I meant for the killer to be vague, but I intend to rewrite this to add more feeling and suspense. Thanks for being honest. You make a good virtual friend. It wouldn't be good if you were dishonest.
Andy
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In the first paragraph, the second sentence: "Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky." I think this would be better as a full sentence and then "It was winter, yes, but nowhere near as cold as could be expected soon" would work as the following sentence.
The following sentence details Feodora's coat. If it's hand-me-down, it's obvious that it was given to her by someone else who no longer had any use of it - as that's what "hand-me-down" means.
I am wondering, though, if this is a true story of if it's one of your own imagination. If it's your own creation, then I think more could be added to it to make it even more evolving. For example, I think that you could have detailed the criminal more closely and given a few more physical and mental descriptions of him.
And the children, as well, seemed distantly described. And only two of the four children were detailed. I think you could have added more information about the investigations, the families, and even the deaths.
The effort of the police seems quite limited, though I think you were aiming for that. Still, I feel that the story would have benefited from a little interaction of the police with the families of the victims, or with the bodies. For example, since Igna was unhappy with the decision not to go public with the information, I think she should have ventured beyond her orders and tried to track down the criminal herself.
I'm not entirely sure what time period this is based in, and I think that that could have an effect on how law enforced would react to this kind of crime. The knowledge they seem to have regarding similar crimes resembles the kind of information that police would have nowadays rather than a hundred or so years ago.
The time period could easily be conveyed through at least one additional scene – and would work well if incorporated into a scene also involving Igna's personal investigation of the crimes. And, I really think that after a few investigations, Impati would find out about her going against his orders and there would a very tense conflict. That would add to the story a lot of emotion and probably even help the readers feel more closely familiar with Igna and her resolve.
Speaking of resolve, there isn't much of a resolution to this story. And, I know that it is meant to end with the reader feeling disappointed about the criminal getting away with four gruesome murders. But, the criminal could at least have a run-in with the police – or at the very least, with Igna.
The only problems I noticed were the ones I mentioned. Overall, this story is very well written and very well detailed. Still, it could be longer and could involve a greater level of action and emotion. Nonetheless, you have a talent for this, Andy. Great work! Thanks for sharing this. And good luck in your contests. -
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Thank you for the very detail critique.
I agree about the first sentence and I'll do something about the redundancy of Feodora's coat.
Fleshing out is one of my weak spots, but I do want the killer to be vague. I'll have to think about this. Site policy does not permit anything which might seem to suggest explicit sex with minors, so I intentionally avoided detail there. As to motivation, I'm therefore somewhat limited. Delfishie had a good piece involving a man with sexual feelings toward a child, but stayed away from details. It merely alluded. I'll see what I can come up with. I could give him more of a physical description that only the children see.
I didn't want to become too repetitious about the kidnappings, so I chose to detail only two of them. I guess I might detail another one and/or expand a little more about the two already described.
Having Inga tell the family of one of the children's deaths would make a good addition, but I think it should only be done once.
Inga's is actually directly over the investigation, but I could make it seem that she is getting close to the killer, but for the killer to escape, she can't get too close. Perhaps a description of a car that was new to the area or something.
It's set in modern time, but I want that a little vague so that it will read, allowing the reader to picture for themself the town and the era.
If I stretch it out, I can give Inga and Impati more conflict.
I think, rather than having the killer have a run in with Inga, I may have a police officer tell her about having seen the car and man, but having noted little or nothing about it. The ending is a little lacking. I'll work on it. It definitely looks like I have my work cut out for me
Thanks again for the review.
*Andy*
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“My neighbors and me have searched all over for her. It's late and it may freeze tonight,” the concern in the woman's voice was obvious. Inga could imagine a matronly woman with tears running down her face.27" I would change me to I. I really enjoyed this and felt it was really well written. Very enjoyable my friend
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Hmm.
Now I don't remember if 'me' was intentional or not. I feel like the improper use of English in this case might add to the feeling of distress the woman has. She's a woman of lower station. What do you think?
I'm glad you like it. Thanks for catching 'me'. I'm thinking on it, but I'd like your further opinion. Thanks also for all the applause.
Andy
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I really think you did an excellent job.
The interaction with the criminal and the children (esp. that part about the doll) were excellently executed.
Although this story is rather cut and dry (with it based mainly around dialogue and small paragraphs of description), I think that you more than managed to keep me interested. I just HAD to know what was going to happen to this criminal, if he would ever be stopped.
Also, I didn't like Inspector Ipati - I really think that he was part of what was going on. I mean, better safe than sorry, right? He obviously lives by something entirely different.
The Russian names of places and people were really well done. Some of them were hard to pronounce, but I guess that's Russia for you - unless you've lived there before.
The last paragraph makes me feel as though there should be more. I would like to see this man apprehended, though. I simply hate him.
Good luck in your future writerly endeavors,
Lady Editor
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
This story was for a contest that wanted a serial killer in a small Russian village. I found the village and Russian names at Wikipedia and on Google. They are authentic. The story is fictional, though someone told me that it is similar to a real case. That's completely coincidental.
I'm sorry if the last paragraph seems incomplete. The bad guys are usually caught in stories. I wanted to break from the norm.
Andy
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Very captivating story Andy. It kept my attention all through.
I like the small time shifts after each pause. It had you wondering at each pause if another child had been killed.
It was interesting how you started it with the killer coming upon the first girl in a seemingly friendly manner luring her with a doll and candy. It was pretty obvious he was up to no good but the extent he took it to was rather surprising. He was one sick dude.
Good plot line and it flowed well. The placement in Russia and the names gave it a slightly different feel. It also helps give credence to the captains reluctance to reporting it to the public. That would never happen here under such circumstances. Or so we would hope. *scratches head*
The only typo I caught is a misplaced end quotation mark in p.72.
I enjoyed reading this twisted tale.
Nicely done. Congrats on the trophies.
Greg
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Thanks Greg!
I was trying to win a contest with this story. The requirements were a serial killer in a small Russian village. I thought the story turned out very well, but in only got bronze in the contest for which it was written.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like it.
Andy
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The conversations between the Monster and the innocent youngsters were done perfectly.
Andy, I enjoyed this story as much as I did the first time. Well, enjoyed might not be the correct term
. People might think I’m kinky—but then I am aren’t I 
.
What I was attempting to put into words is you did a terrific job of constructing this plot. By allowing the reader to ‘See’ and hear almost everything that is happening through the characters' use of dialogue and action, you breathed life into the story.
The narrator is so behind the scenes as to be invisible.
The conversations between the Monster and the innocent youngsters were done perfectly. The Russian children were coerced by the same methods or delights as any child.
You know I read an article about a Russian serial killer who targeted children. Many of the cases were never connected until after the Soviet Union folded.
Apparently he moved unhampered around the country but since he was never captured, and the authorties tried to keep it hushed up, no one every discovered how he did it or how many young victims he claimed.
Congratulations on trophies.
Geri
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Thanks Geri
Thanks for reading and commenting again. I appreciate it.
So, there was actually a serial killer similar to this? Didn't know that. As you know, this was inspired initially by a contest. I think it turned out well. I'm glad you like the way it turned out.
Andy
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This really kept my attention. I did not see any glaring punctuation or grammar errors.
I thought the story flowed well. I liked the way you kept the abductor vague. I thought this added to the story in that in most crimes like this, the abductor is vague, until he is caught.
The setting, a small Russian village, allowed me to believe that children could be so easily abducted. Small villages are usually safe. Fedora was used to the woods, she knew them well. He mother did not worry until she did not return.
I really enjoyed this story. Good luck in the contest
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Thank You
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like this story. Although I often write crime stories, this was a departure from the norm in that it is set in Russia.
Andy
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The claps didn't show up.
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Apparently Russians don't teach their children all that stuff about candy from strangers and such. I know my grandparents told me that stuff all the time.
That's democracy for you. Mmm... democracy. -
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Hi there!
This is a small rural community in Russia and the assumption is that strangers are a rarity and not regarded with fear. That may not actually be the case, but it is fiction.
Speaking of democracy, who do you figure for president? I'm not crazy about the choices, but I prefer Democrat. I really have no idea who'll win.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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interesting...i like the foreign names as well. this seems to jump around a lot though, and doesn't go into a lot of depth and detail. but an intersting read.
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Thank You
I'm glad that you like the Russian names. They're legitimate names. Also the town is real.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Andy
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I think your missing some breaks for the story IE *** that could just be the way I interputed it. Very well written and nice flow. I had a good understanding what was going on job well done.
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Thanks Neal
I'm glad you like this story. It was a little different for me. Setting it in a small Russian village, I had to do some research. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
How are things going?
Andy
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I thought that this was a fairly good story and had a fairly decent premise. However, I was dissapointed in the fact that it seemed to jump around a little too much. That however, is simply my personal preference. The story could have been dragged out a little longer and that would have helped with some of the detail and the overall flow. Overall a very decent attempt. Good luck. Das ve dania.
-Raven -
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Thank You
Though I did write it for you contest, I like the results a lot. Thanks for hosting, reading and commenting. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Great piece of work! Smooth flow. I wished you'd punish the killer but... Oh well! Nice portraying of the mindset of people in small townships. If only the other communities were as willing as Baday, the killings would have stopped a long time ago. Accurate observation. We in this part of the world see a lot of similar situations, with so many villages. Keep writing!! All the best in the contest!!
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Thanks Kirin
It won gold in one of the contests, but I've yet to see how it will do in the contest for which it was written. I'm glad you like this story.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Andy
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Great story! I didnt know how time passed when I read the story. It had the fast paced action feel to it that I didnt take my eyes off it for before it was completely over. I felt sad for the poor kids. I have just one suggestion in a perfectly written story
"Feodora was used to the cold and the hand-me-down coat she had inherited from her older sister when she'd out-grown it was big on her and warm." I think this sentence could be broken into two because as it is, its a bit confusing.
Thanks for entering this story in the contest
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
This story was a little different from my norm. I'm very pleased that you like it.
I've reworked that sentence and I think it reads much better now. Thanks for pointing it out.
Andy
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Andy, you certainly stayed within the contest rules.
The plot is well defined, the killer and abuser is a rather vague character that we only get a glimpse of in the early part of the story. But we follow his actions without trouble in this almost ‘Police Report’ narrative.
I like the way you present the children; you allow enough so the reader can feel sorry for them and anger at their killer, but you don’t over-indulge us in their terrible plight.
The dialogue between the officers works very well. Not only does it move the plot along, but also allows insight into the police policy and procedures which are apparently similar the world over.
“You got a politically explosive situation, so keep it as quiet as you can.”
“Works for me---if it doesn’t involve me or mine.”
Of course if ‘Joe Public’ knew, it might save a few lives, isn’t part of the deal. They can’t chance riots or vigilantes, which would reflect poorly on the Government.
I didn’t really edit. But I did notice this; Gray clouds hung in the early afternoon sky, winter yes, but no where (nowhere) near the cold, which could be expected soon.
And this; “I'll put (more more) do you want more twice?) people on it, right away.
Good luck in the contest.
Geri
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