Heaven Sent

Pain, burning and crippling, filling my body. I’d been writhing in agony for two days, since I’d been hit by that big rig, unaware of everything besides the pain. The hurt increased with each hour spent in the hospital, growing so unbearable that I could hardly stand to even breathe. It grew to a point where it even hurt to think. Then suddenly, it stopped. I had died, but until the next day, I would believe that I was dreaming.1

Heaven was gorgeous, a huge forest that stretched out in all directions. The green branches of the trees reaching upward to hug the violet sky filled the air with the scent of pine and cinnamon. The purple sky that arched overhead was clear and flecked with stars, which glowed silver. A fat, platinum moon hung in the sky, looking like a belly heavy with child. The air was rippling with the twittering songs of birds and the dull rumble of guitars and drums. Other animals and people walked slowly along the wide forest paths.2

I walked slowly through the place. It was a dream world, surely. No other place could look like this. A few pools of yellow light fell from the trees, illuminating my way. Looking up, I saw that the light was coming from large glass and wood tree houses built high above the ground. I wandered on, headed to some unknown location. I came upon a field that rose out of the tree line and was covered by a sea of rolling green waves. Fireflies danced over the hilltop, lighting the small area. 3

Climbing up the hill, I lay down near the top. The tall grass was soft beneath me, like a pillow. The air was sweet and cool. I removed my shirt and used it to cushion my head. I let the music fall over me, and I closed my eyes. I fell asleep, expecting to awaken again to the unbearable pain. 4

The next day, not only did I not wake up to the writhing agony, I was in the exact same spot on the hill. I light breeze tickled my bare chest and stomach. Pulling the shirt over my head, I walked down the hill bewildered. Where am I? I wondered with my brows furrowed together. As I entered the forest, I hooked my hand around the arm of the first person that passed me, and demanded to know where I was. When they informed me that I was in Heaven, my first instinct was to laugh, except that it did explain many of the phenomenons of the strange place. My second instinct was to panic. I had died! It only felt natural to panic after something like that had occurred. It must have shown on my face, though, because the other spirit advised me to simply pretend that I was still living. I nodded and left them.5

Thinking it over, I wondered how that would even be possible for me. With Kaya, Matt, and the rest of my friends and family back on Earth, it was impossible to just imagine that nothing had happened. Kaya. My heart ached with each thought of her. I shuddered at the thought of what it would be like for her to attend her boyfriend’s funeral. As horrible as it was for me to be apart from her, I concluded.6

As the days wore on, my longing for life increased. This was not Heaven, I decided, it was Hell. If it were Heaven, then my best friend and my girlfriend would be here too. It had to be Hell. No other place would taunt me like this. Still, I forced myself to behave semi-normally. 7

I got a tree house. A large one, with plenty of room for me to paint and draw. But it smelled of raspberry, the same scent as Kaya’s shampoo. And more maliciously, it had filled itself with photographs of my loved ones. They grinned down at me, mocking me with their life. 8

It wasn’t that I focused on them. I did attempt to ignore the photos and to concentrate on other things. Unfortunately things got done quickly in Heaven, leaving me with free time. Free time that I spent looking at the pictures, tracing my rough, russet fingers over their intangible faces. Kaya stared up at me from the glossy paper. I wondered how much she missed me. If she had moved on, or if she was still mourning my passing. I did not know whether or not Heaven and Earth times corresponded. It could have been a year there, and I would never know.9

I began to force myself to do other things with my time. Looking at the pictures only caused me pain, so decidedly I chose to paint images to replace them. I spent every waking hour drawing or painting, trying to ease away my heartache. The result? Hundreds of images of Kaya, each one sending a painful pang through my chest. 10

I think part of the problem was that I had not known that I was going to die. I’d had no chance to tell everyone that I loved them, and that I would miss them. It had thrust itself suddenly upon me, giving me no time to prepare myself. I thought on this constantly, wondering what they were doing, how sad they were, and if they were sad at all. What I longed for most at that point was some way that I would be able to tell them good bye and that I missed them.11

The next several days were spent hunting for some way to communicate with the living. My first and most obvious plan had been tossed out early in the search. Only spirits with higher seniority than me were able to project themselves down on Earth. Without a backup plan hidden in my back pocket, I simply wandered aimlessly, asking anyone I could for a remedy to my problem.12

Many of those I spoke to were just as clueless as I was. Several of those were searching for the same thing as I was. We promised to tell each other if we found anything, and moved on.13

It was another month, before my search produced a product. Jerry, one of the spirits that I’d promised to keep in contact, had sent me an old computer with a letter instructing me how to use and set it up. Apparently it would allow me to send and receive e-mails from Earth. 14

A grin set on my face, I eagerly set it up. Then, with the decrepit machine squatting on my smooth wooden desk, I turned it on. I held my fingers poised over the keyboard as I waited for everything to load. I began to think over what I would say. I already knew that the first e-mail would be sent to Kaya, but my mind drew a blank on what it was I should say. How did you tell someone anything when you were dead? How could you possibly make any of it sound normal?15

After clicking into the messager, I attempted to start it several times, and backspaced it several times as well. Typing this e-mail was proving to be a lot more difficult than I had expected. I gave up trying to erase the weirdness of it, trying only brought me close to angry tears, and just wrote what I wanted to say.16

My fingers flew over the keys, now that they were free, pouring out my thoughts and feelings into the short message. This was the only way I’d be able to talk to her until I either learned to get to Earth or she came up to Heaven, and both were to far away for me to simply not talk to her.17

As I ceased typing, my final product read:18

Kaya, it’s me, Chris. I know that this shouldn’t be possible, but it is, and I wanted to say something to you. Needed to, really. Heaven is a hell without you here. I miss you so much it’s worse than lying in the hospital was. I wanted to watch over you, and believe me I would have, but it’s against the rules right now. But I can still talk to you, with this computer, if you want me to. It would really make me happy if you did. If you don’t though, well at least I got to say goodbye, and that I love you.19

~ Chris20

I moved the cursor down and clicked send. I leaned back in my chair, feeling a little more relaxed. I cracked my knuckles and bent forward again to type the next message. Hopefully, soon this place would feel a little more like heaven.