My Heaven

I opened my eyes. Everything around me was blurry and unrecognizable. Nothing looked familiar to me, but somehow I knew the place. The only time I remembered seeing this place was in my favorite dreams. I was in my own personal heaven.1

A bright light flashed in front of me as I started to walk forward and I was back in the car. Someone was screaming in the mangled wreckage; me. Next to me, sitting upright and unconscious, was my soon-to-be husband, Nate. Nate’s condition in the accident shocked me back to my heaven for a split second. Scarlet blood spurted from a giant gash across his forehead, staining his pale cheeks and sky blue polo. I reached over to wipe Nate’s hair out of his cut, but quickly recoiled my arm with a scream. A sharp pain of a thousand searing knives pulsed through my body from stomach.2

Not wanting to look, but needing to know, I peered down at my stomach. When the car had wrapped itself around the tree the windshield had shattered and a large piece of glass lodged itself in my abdomen. My eyes rolled back into my head at the sight of my wounded stomach and I was back in my heaven.3

Heaven was clearer this time. I was standing in the middle of the most magnificent meadow I had ever seen. Giant willow trees were spotted all over the lush green meadow. Bending down to run my fingers through the blades I found that the grass was pillow-y soft. Some ump-teen feet away from me was a beach with white sand and a majestic blue ocean. There was a slight breeze but not even a ripple on the water.4

Voices and sirens sounded from out of nowhere, shocking me back to the car wreck. Red and blue lights flashed on the tree in front of me. I tried to scream but stopped short on account of when I sucked in my breath the glass cut me deeper. Nate was still sitting unconscious in the driver’s seat, still breathing.5

“Help me get these kids out of here!” a husky male voice shouted outside the car.6

A man in a paramedic’s uniform was at Nate’s door and carefully pulling him out. His figure was blurred around the edges along with everything else around me. I tried to unbuckle the seat belt that bound me in the car but my arms wouldn’t move. The pain in my abdomen was quickly ebbing away. The car wreck slowly faded into the meadow and the voices and sirens now sounded distant.7

The scenery was becoming more vibrant by the second which could only mean one thing, I was dying. I could no longer hear the voices of the paramedics and the sirens were just a low humming in the distance. Nate had to be here too. How could he survive and not me? This couldn’t be my heaven if Nate wasn’t here with me.8

Twilight wasn’t exactly ideal for searching for someone, but because it was always twilight in my heaven I had to deal. I spent hours looking behind every willow tree until there was nowhere else to look. There were other people in my meadow but not a lot, and none of them was Nate. They all had some strange glow around them. No one glow was the same either, each a different color. Looking down at my arms and hands I saw that I had a grayish glow. Later I learned that these glows represented our personalities and feelings.9

Nate was nowhere to be found. What was going on here? How could this have happened? I knew Nate had his own version of heaven, but he also knew what my heaven was like. And we had agreed that when we died we would find each other in my heaven; it was more romantic by far.10

I thought back to that night. Nate and I sat huddled together on my couch next to a warm fire. My fingers wound through Nate’s and he rubbed the back of my hand lovingly.11

“What’s going to happen when we die?” I asked solemnly.12

“What are you talking about?” Nate asked curiously.13

“If we die, what will happen to us? Will we ever see each other again?”14

“Of course we will.” Nate said soothingly. “I promise that when we die, we’ll find each other in your heaven.”15

“Really? You mean it?” I asked with some enthusiasm. “What about your heaven?”16

“My heaven is wherever you are. I swear. I will never leave you.” Nate squeezed my hand and kissed my lightly on the top of my head.17

The memory faded out, leaving me to wonder where Nate could be. Then a horrifying thought hit me square in the face. Perhaps Nate hadn’t died. Maybe the paramedics were able to save him before he drifted away from the Earth for good. That left me in this dazzling but incomplete heaven alone.18

I shuffled over to the ocean, flinging myself into the icy water. It hit me like a million pin-pricks all over my body. The taste of the water quickly drowned out all of my painful thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t salty like the oceans on Earth, but sweet like sugar water. I took gulp after gulp of the sweet water, taking in the taste of the sugar and feel of the cool liquid sliding down my throat. It was phenomenally refreshing. The water cleared my mind enough to think clearly. Nate wasn’t coming; he survived the crash.19

It appeared that no physical fears were here in the meadow; not one sign of a bug or insect. But there was no such thing as getting rid of an emotional fear, and that was my biggest fear of all. I could no longer be with Nate, I had lost him forever and it was out of my control. Tears streaked silently down my cheeks. I couldn’t feel them, but the strange salty smell and taste gave it away. I looked down at my feet and noticed my aura. Last time I had checked it had been a light gray color, but it was quickly darkening to black; a reflection of my depressing mood.20

I slowly walked over to the nearest willow tree, my head hanging down with my ebony colored hair concealing my face. The shade of the tree combined with the twilight drowned all the surroundings in a thick black darkness. Laying on the comfy grass, I looked up through the willow branches at the few twinkling stars in the purple streaked sky.21

Images of Nate clouded my mind. His bright blue eyes; how they sparkled with his constant delight. His shaggy chocolate tinted hair and how it was always falling perfectly over his long eyelashes. The sugary vanilla smell that always hung over him and intoxicated my mind every time I got the tiniest whiff of it.22

I missed the feeling of security I got when he held me in his strong arms. I missed his slow breathing that willed me to sleep every night, even in my worst moments. There was no this could be my heaven. It couldn’t be possible.23

~*~24

The days drifted by, growing more and more unbearable as they passed. I wandered aimlessly around my meadow, talking to people when talked to but otherwise keeping to myself. My aura was now completely black and clashed horribly with all the others around me.25

A few days after my death I learned of a small reflecting pond just past the willow trees.26

“What does it do?” I asked the girl standing at the edge. Her aura glowed bright pink and yellow; a happy, bubbly personality I assumed.27

“It lets you see what’s going on down on Earth.” she replied with a wide smile, showing off her perfectly white teeth.28

I stepped closer to the edge of the pond and peered in, but only my reflection stared back.29

“I can’t see anything.” I whispered quietly but loud enough for the girl to hear. “Why can’t I see Earth?”30

The girl looked me over and sadness shined in her golden eyes. “You haven’t let go of what you love?” she asked, but it sounded more like a statement.31

“Of course not. How could I possibly let go of the love of my life?”32

“I wish I knew how to help you,” the girl said. Her words were coated with a thick layer of despair. “Everyone here has their own journey. Some take longer than others to let go of their past lives, but it happens eventually.”33

Leaving me to think about what she had said, the girl gave one last glance toward the pond and skipped back to the willows and the meadows. I never learned the girl’s name, nor did I ever see her again. She never told me why we had to let go of our past to see through the pond, but I had my own theories. The only good explanation I came up with was that we had to let go in order to not hurt as much when we saw our loved ones. It was a good theory, but one I would never be able to prove to myself. I couldn’t ever let go of Nate. I would just have to wait until it was his time to join me again.