Nicotine and Self Esteem (cont)

He had some girl call her that night. She was laying in bed around 2 am when her phone rang. The caller ID showed his name. She got excited but let it ring for a while. This was the first time he'd called her in a really long time so she wanted to preserve it for a while...but not too long. She answered her phone. On the other end of the phone, another girl's voice spoke the most heartbreaking words a girl could here. "...leave him alone. He doesn't like you anymore..."1

She hung up before anything else could be said. At first she felt nothing. Nothing at all. It was one of the weirdest feelings in the world. She couldn't sleep, even though she was ridiculously tired, so she just layed there. She tried to convince herself she was ok. She tried to convince herself she didn't need him. She tried to forget that she loved him.2

The next morning she woke up completely numb all over. But she knew she had to walk it off, her parents were out of town and she was throwing a party.3

As soon as she stood up, she was hit by the train. Her mask was forced from her face. She sat back onto her bed and curled up with her pillow. The pain was unbearable. The tears poured from her eyes. Her face was drenched. She was crying so hard it felt like she was doing sit ups. Her throat was on fire. Her head was pounding. Her hands were clenched so hard her nails were digging into her palms. But she couldn't feel it. The last time she cried that hard was the day after her birthday. The day she found out her grandpa was dead.4

She cried until she couldn't cry anymore. She had literally ran out of tears. Her body couldn't do it anymore. She wasn't physically strong enough to cry anymore. She layed there for a little to recompose. Then she felt anxious. She got out of bed, grabbed her cigarettes, and went outside, still in her pajamas.5

The smell of tabacco filled her noise as she opened the pack of Marlboro Lights. It's one of the most comfortable smells she knows. 6

As she inhaled the smoke, the numbness returned. She liked it better this way. Her face was sticky from her tears. Her throat was sore but she didn't care. She kept inhaling until she all she could taste was burnt plastic. She tossed out the filter and lit another one.7

After three or four, she went back inside. It was time to get ready for her party.8

Her brother knew something was up: the bags under her eyes were a dead give away. She assured him she was fine. If she could lie to herself, she could lie to anyone.9

All day she forced back tears. All day she tried not to throw up. All day she was miserable. The only thing she wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. But she couldn't.10

Her then best friend came over to help get ready. Instead of letting her talk and cry about it, her best friend made her get a grip and get ready. Which is what she needed. Right?11

Her other friends started showing up around 10. There was a boy there she had known for a long time but had just recently started talking to again. She was excited to see him. She was single for sure now. There was nothing to feel bad about. After a few shots of Captain Morgan and a mixed drink of Vodka and Hawaiian Punch, she started having a really good time. The numbness had returned and she liked it.12

But then she started to notice he wasn't drinking. She lost interest. One of her best guy friends was starting to feel her. So she went with it.13

It started off as suggestive touching. He held her waist. She touched his leg. Little things like that.14

They had known eachother for a long time and there had always been a sort of tension between them. The act was long overdue.