Mia sat in the lounge, drinking her Blue Tale Drink, watching her friend danced with any man. The fast pace music filled the air and the men made their catcalls to Kat, as she was dancing very sexy. 1
The lights flashed to highlight Kat's dance moves, the men were drooling and Mia knew trouble was brewing. The Cargo Men picked up after the May-High forces destroyed their freighter. Their hormones were pumping into over time they spent the last eight months without any women. 2
Mia noticed group of women that kept eyeing and whispering. It did not take the ship long to hear the news that Mia and Jason had broken up. People made snickering remarks under their breath. Kat's laughter filled the room. These were the moments, she tried hard to remember her past, when her feelings or other people made her feel as an outsider. 3
She turned her chair to watch the view, and sipped on the Blue Tale Drink. This was her reason to come to the lounge to be with the stars. The tiny beams of light flickered and sparkled, which gave her peace to her soul. The warship vibrated, the engines were in overdrive to get to the launch site, as the stars looked further away. Home was somewhere out there. 4
"Will you quit sitting there like a robot and join the party!" Kat spun around and grabbed her drink from the table. 5
A chubby man grabbed Kat and brought her to the dance floor again. Mia rolled her eyes and watched the stars. A hand touched her shoulder. 6
"Hey, baby, time for a dance." He pulled Mia from her chair, drugging to the dance the floor. 7
Yanking her arm free, she grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm behind his back. She slammed him into the wall, as a couple men raced to her. 8
"If you want to keep your family jewels intact, I suggest you stay away from me," Mia ordered.9
They stepped back and raised their hands in the air. The soldiers from the ship were laughing until they could not breathe. Mia returned to the table and sat down in her chair. 10
The music ended and the lights came on. Returning to the table, Kat blew kisses to all the men, she danced with. She pulled out her chair and sat down. 11
Picking up her Pink Comet Drink, Kat took a gulp. "Why do you've to be some mean to men? All they want is a little fun." 12
"Hooarh!" The men screamed. 13
"Some days, I think that you don't get me." Mia folded her arms across her chest. 14
Kat pointed her finger. "You know, you should give up the act, I can't remember my past bit. Because it's very old!" 15
Mia turned around and stared Kat down. "You've no idea! What's it like..." She paused. "One of these days you're going to get bust for drinking too much." 16
"I'm a girl who likes to have fun. Before I died on a mission... like the planet we're heading too." 17
"Maybe you should grow a spine and face your father instead trying to numb yourself from your emotions." Mia stood and turned away, while all eyes were watching them. 18
She stormed out of the lounge and Craig followed her out into the corridor. 19
"Mia!" 20
She leaned against the wall and fighting back her tears. "What?" 21
He placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'm going to the Upper Deck for some food. Do you want to join me?"
She looked up into his eyes. "Look, Craig, I'm not looking for a date..."22
He smiled. "You're looking for a friend and an ear."23
She smiled. "True. Alright."24
Walking to the lift, they entered it. 25
A few seconds later, they were at the Upper Deck. Craig found a table by the huge windows; he motioned for her to come. She noticed all eyes staring at her, her heart began to race bit faster. She sat down in the chair and watched the stars. 26
The waitress walked over to them. "What can I get you both?" 27
"Two blue drinks for now," Craig said. 28
"I'll be back in a few." She winked at him. 29
Mia turned her head. "You want her, don't you?" 30
His face turned red as a smile appeared on his face. "I'm all man." 31
"Then ask her out." 32
He chuckled. "You're giving me dating advice. That's funny..." 33
Mia turned her chair around and stared at him. She gave the sense of a great warrior trying to take a peep into his soul. "You wanted this meeting." 34
He raised his hand. "I'm sorry. You're a woman who knows what she wants and doesn't play games." 35
"True." 36
The waitress came back with their drinks. "When you are ready to order use the menu computer in the table. They are working again." She smiled at Craig and walked away. 37
He watched the waitress returned to the counter. "Mia, I'm going to ask her out." He turned his head back to her. "How much do you know about Kat?" 38
She leaned back in her chair. "Fact or gossip?" Her eyebrow went up. "You and Kat did date," she whispered. 39
He nodded. "When we were at the academy, we dated. She has many emotional scars. Her drinking has got worse over the years." 40
"It sounds like you are taking her side. I don't understand why you and Jason are always protecting her. I know who her father is." She took a drink and scrolled the menu. 41
"A few years ago, myself, Kat, and Jason captured by pirates. Things were really hairy in that situation. Jason and I learned something about Kat." He played with the glass. 42
"We all have deep dark secrets, I just can't remember mine. Kat has hurt my feelings and when she's drunk she can say some mean things." Her dark eyes stared into his. "If she does not face her past, she's going to destroy her life and others. Just maybe, she will listen to you." 43
Craig sighed. "I'm supposed to be helping you." 44
She grinned. "I know. I'll be careful how I handled Kat." Mia chose her dinner. 45
He made his choice. "I've notice you staring at the stars. What do you see when you looked at them?" He caught her glimpse into his eyes. 46
"Home," she said as she gave a deep sigh.
In a list
Tell me what you think and show errors too. Thanks
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This is an inriguing story. I thought your description and dialogue were very well done. I'm definitely going to read further.
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You have some great characters here, namely Mia as others have already pointed out.
When I get from this is a rather original story. I don't see too many stories like this that start off quite different from mainstream movies and books.
The whole atmosphere you created in the beginning was realistic and alluring. I could see things quite clearly without much detail, because of the way you word things so smoothly.
That's really all I can say, because you already have other readers who think the same things about this.
Good show, lass.
. Rewarded 8
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Mama Mia!
I like Mia. The character is, to say the least, multi faceted. The story is good, with more work it will be even better.wor
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This is a very interesting read. I did notice a few places where it read a little rough but I think that was just your choice of words... which may have been in the characterization of your character. Know what I mean. The way you choose for that character to be.
Other than that this was a fine read. And I like the character of Mia. Not many women can grab a guy and throw him into a wall.
Good job
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Thanks for reading
I am glad that you like it.
I have so adding more to the ending now,
Lynn
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Mia is an interesting young lady, both emotional and brutally efficient
Hi Lynn, died on a mission? Sounds like this is going to be one intriguing story
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I will have to get to the first chapter and see how it starts.
Mia is an interesting young lady, both emotional and brutally efficient when it’s necessary to protect herself.
Picked out a few things to look at:
Mia sat in the lounge, drinking her blue tale(or tail-- saga or appendage? )drink and watched (as) her friend danced with any man.
The fast pace music filled the air and the men made their catcalls to Kat, (whose dance was very sexy)as she was dancing very sexy.
1 Mia noticed group (groups of or a group of)of women that kept eyeing and whispering.
when her feelings or other people (‘s feelings) made her feel as an outsider.3
which gave her peace to her soul. (which gave peace to her soul)
He pulled Mia from her chair, drugging (struggling or dragging her to)) to the dance the floor.
Then slammed him into the wall, as a couple (of) men raced to (towards) her.8
Why do you’ve (you have) to be so mean to (the) men? All they want is a little fun.”12
“One of these days you're (you’ll) get busted for drinking too much."16
Geri
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Hahaha, Mia rocks! I love her character. She seems multifaceted, and that's a sign of a good character in any genre.
Sooo, Craig and Mia, hmmm? Niiiice. Unless I'm getting ahead of myself...
Kinda sucks for those guys who were out for 8 months without any women on their ship...they should complain to someone about that.
It looks like you've already gotten a lot of good help on this chapter, so I'll try to avoid what others have already helpfully suggested.
eyeing and whispering. - eyeing...her? and whispering, maybe
had broke up s/b had broken up
These were the moments, she tried hard to remember her past, when her feelings or other people made her feel as an outsider. - this is in reference to Mia not remembering her past beyond when she woke up in the pod, right? maybe clarify that part a little bit, like:
These were the moments she hated most, when she knew that everyone else in the room could remember more than two years back in time; The abundance of their memories and feelings made her feel like an outsider.
Or something.
This was her reason to come to the lounge to be with the stars. - need a colon after lounge
A hand touched her shoulder.6
“Hey, baby, it’s time for you to dance.” He pulled Mia from her chair, drugging to the dance the floor.7
This could all be one paragraph here, I think. Either the chubby man came back for Mia, or it's someone new, but it's hard to tell.
The soldiers from the ship were laughing until they could not breathe.
SO funny! Hee ha!
Kat pointed her finger. "You know, you should give up the act, I can't remember my past bit. Because it’s very old!" - for some reason I finally got what this part means. The punctuation you used here really made me think Kat couldn't remember her past bit (whatever that was) and I thought she was saying she's old or something...gah. Maybe something more like: "You know, you should give up the whole I-can't-remember-my-past bit. It's gotten very old!"
Before I died on a mission... - sounds like she already died! "Die" instead of "died" will make her less undead during this convo.
She stormed out of the lounge and Craig followed her out into the corridor. - really sounds like he was right behind her the whole time, with him in the same sentence. How about splitting it up, like: She stormed out of the lounge.
"Mia!" Craig called; he had followed her out into the corridor.
Alright - not really a word. All right, or just okay, maybe?
Yeah, neat to see chapter 2 there. I'll wait eagerly for 3!
. Rewarded 8
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Hi Lynn,
You mentioned you were looking to strengthen this piece and even considering publishing. So I'll leave a couple thoughts.
Well, from what I noticed of a quick read is that your piece is heavily "over-telling" in the "telling vs showing" spectrum of writing. The sentences tend toward being "She did this, he did that, they did this, he did that, she did this" structure which is very action driven. My subjective advice would be to pull in some setting action and imagery, as well as show, rather than tell a lot of what you explain. For example:
"The fast pace music filled the air and the men made their catcalls to Kat, as she was dancing very sexy."
Why not just say this:
"Hey sexy!" a man near the bar shouted. The guy slumping against him bared his crooked teeth in a grin and catcalled. The fast-paced music filled the air as Kat danced on.
This is what I mean by showing. (And no, I'm not saying that you have to use my version. Come up with something that feels right to you! This is just something off the top of my head). The point I'm trying to make is: Don't tell the reader "It was because of so and so". Instead, lead the reader to that conclusion without ever saying it.
On a positive note, you have a good grasp on making the story situation/plot realistic. It's a little overplayed, but I think tweaking the narration, varying sentence structures and adding more setting would ease that.
Oh a stylistic note. In the dialogue at the end, I noticed that you put the actions before the speech. It's not something I often see, and it snagged me, making me take notice and pulled me out of the read. I'm not sure if this is just me -- because of my critical eye -- or if this is something to be wary of.
Final couple notes: Be careful of grammar. It may seem like unimportant when compared to the meaning and story and action, but it does affect the read. I noticed a few run on sentences, etc.
When you're describing something, or narrating in general, it often makes for stronger prose to avoid "was" and "were". Example:
"Their hormones pumped into overtime. They had spent the last eight months women."
Now, in my opinion, the new version of the sentence is descriptively active. This makes it more interesting. In any case, my overall opinion is that I'd love to see the story more focused, but it's a good piece. I hope my thoughts are some useful.
Good luck writing (and revising if you so choose)!
Keep typing,
Solidarity
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Interesting
The characters' actions kept me really interested and the detail-choice in the beginning was superb! I could actually envision the nightclub. You kept my interest, which is a sign of good writing and a good beginning.
Just a few points:
Even though it was realistic and the actions were interested there seems to be little to no emotional depth to their actions at all...like everything feels sort-of forced and put in with no forethought and reaction of emotional consequences. It sounds like the two characters have some form of history between them...the way they talk is very organic but it'd be better if you expanded on their mindsets a little more because the title of the story gives the impression that there's some great severity within the plot.
In sum, good writing but it needs to be fleshed out more!
Jay
. Rewarded 8
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"and watched her friend danced with any man"- and watched, as her friend danced with (m)any men
"as she was dancing very sexy"- as her dance was very sexy
"noticed group"- noticed a group
"for they spent"- for they had spent
"drugging to the"- dragging her to the
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A wonderful read! Waiting for Chapter 3. :. Rewarded 6
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Pretty good. Would definitely like to see more of this. Good write!
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