Doug's Story

-The Part That Precedes The Actual Story-1

Doug worked days in the Westboro Branch of the Big Bags Bank Co. His daily routine was very much set in stone. He woke up around 6, showered and than ate breakfast at 7. Around 8 or 8:10 he arrived at work, depending on traffic. From 8-8:15, or 8:10-8:35 (again depending on traffic), he would flirt with Susan who was Mr.Stone (the branch manager)’s secretary. Some days he felt he made it farther than others, one Monday he felt that she had even hinted at a sexual attraction, which had made sitting awkward early that day. From 8:30-11:30 he worked, helping people get loans or helping the bank’s finances by denying perfectly reasonable loan requests, and than went to lunch at 11:31. His favorite lunch spot, favorite meaning close to work and cheap, was George’s Meat on Stick.2

-3

George himself was a fine upstanding illegal Russian immigrant. He knew that Doug liked his Meat on Stick burnt a little with extra something sauce. Every day he had three ready to go for Doug, as well as a diet cola. It cost Doug 5.50 a day to eat, and was almost low on calories. The afternoons ran slowly, Doug normally took twenty minutes off around 2 to excuse himself to the employee’s restroom where he would masturbate, normally thinking about Susan.4

When work finished at 5, he would leave for home, arriving at 6 or 6:10, based on traffic. He watched the news from 7-9, and than went to sleep, but not before masturbating at least once more, again thinking about Susan.5

Doug led what most people would imagine to be a somewhat fulfilling and normal life. He ran out of tissues faster than some, but all in all he kept money in the bank and loans out of the honest people’s hand. But all this changed the day Fulson’s Chemical and Genetic Research Plant exploded, sending a cloud of noxious and toxic fumes over Westboro. At first the general populace was worried, and considered suing the small time Chemical and Genetic Research Plant, but decided against it when the plague of zombies caused by the fumes began over running and eating said general populace.6

Doug was part of the fortunate few who survived the first night, thus giving meager hope to the small amount of survivors, the group of whom amounted to ten average and unremarkable citizens, three teens who were hopeful (of who one was the High School Football Quarterback, one was his virgin cheerleader girlfriend, and one the geeky yet handsome love interest who never got his chance (9 out of the 10 average citizens believed the geeky lad would end up porking the cheerleader)), one was an ex-military survivalist who led the local militia, disenchanted with the government and bitter over the zombie-overrunning of his militia, and the final was a government scientist who had come down from the facility in the early stages of the zombie invasion, carrying only a folder and refusing to show it to anyone.7

All in all the group was doing well enough hiding out in the old abandoned cereal factory, until the angry rantings of the ex-military militiaman accidentally opened up the doors of the factory and let in the flood of zombies. The 10 unremarkable citizens were bitten and 9 of them eaten in turn. The others escaped out the back door.8

Doug had the serious misfortune of being the 10th unremarkable citizen who was bitten, not eaten, and rose to join the ranks of the undead horde. This is his story.9

-One of Us-10

He wasn’t quite sure what woke him up first, the splitting headache that was making his ears bleed, the queasy feeling in his gut that was reminiscent of the time he drank the water in Tijuana, or the fact that George, looking very much decrepit and dead, was gnawing on his right thigh. Deciding against trying to actually figure out the cause, he settled on a startle yell, which came out as a gurgled moan. George looked up from his attempted meal and let out a similar yet slightly different gurgle, which for some odd reason Dough understood.11

“Ah, you’re not dead. Pity, I’m dead hungry.” George said, getting to his feet. Doug noted the old Meat on Stick vendor’s movements were stiff and jerky, and was startled to find his were as well, but after some awkward shuffles, he found himself standing. Even more awkward he noticed, was that he was surrounded by the equally decrepit and half eaten former neighbors he would ignore on his way to work.12

“What happened?” Doug asked, the sentence came out as a long and questioning moan, which George seemed to understand.13

“No idea.” George said. “One minute, standing and selling meat of questionable source on cheap wooden stick, next minute beating back dead people and than minute after THAT, walking with them.”14

“So… what do we do?” The former banker said.15

“As far as I tell, walk around grumbling about the state of dead society and eating any survivors.” A nearby dead woman said. Her clothes made her seem to be a waitress of some kind. The serving tray she held backed the idea up.16

“And… we do this mindlessly?” Doug moangurgled, continuing his trend of asking questions to help this plot along.17

“No…” George returned. “We follow him!” He lifted his arm stiffly, pointing behind Doug. A half moment of shuffling Doug saw what George was pointing at, a zombie, clad in the clothing of a fueler from the local gas station, looking slightly less decrepit than the rest.18

“Eat the living!” He yelledmoaned. The mob gurgled their agreement.19

“Why?” Doug asked (his incessant question asking makes this author strain for verbs denoting questions, resorting to an old classic and parenthesized witty remark). A moment passed before the gas fueler raised his arms and yelled again.20

“Ask no questions!” To which the mob moaned in agreement once more. As one they turned and began shuffling in the direction the survivors had taken off in. An hour or so of shuffling passed before the mob found the first signs of scared escapees.21

“What is it?” One of the mob asked. The leader walked forward and examined the find, before turning and addressing the mob.22

“The living are this way.” He cried out. “One of them has DEFECATED in this bush!” There was a great gurgle of excitement and one or three moans of disgust, and the mob continued their shuffle. George and Doug shuffled at the rear of the mob.23

“So… we eat them?” Doug said.24

“Ja.” George said.25

“Why?”26

George looked at Doug, and a long stare between their dead eyes ensued, before George attempted what Doug assumed was a shrug.27

“We just do.” He explained.28

“Why not… burgers or… I don’t know, cats instead of the living?” Doug inquired.29

“We have neither the facilities to create burgers, or Chinese to provide cats.” George stated. “And the living taste good.”30

“Better than Meat on Stick?” Doug wondered, which caused George to think for another moment.31

“Perhaps, but perhaps even better if they were on stick…” He idea’d out loud, which Doug ignored, for his inferior dead ears had somehow picked up the noise of movement from a nearby house, and he was inexplicably drawn towards the dwelling, and George followed.32

The door was already open, and odd sounds were coming from the upstairs. Doug and George shuffled to the top and peered into one of the rooms whose door was ajar. Inside he recognized the quarterback and cheerleader, having vigorous sex on the bed, the cheerleader’s bucks and moans translating awkwardly in Doug’s dead ears.33

“Should we… go in and eat them?” Doug asked.34

“It would be rude to interrupt now.” George chastised. “Besides, you should let the hunger build, do you not feel it growing in you?”35

“Well I definitely don’t feel what normally would be growing watching a barely legal cheerleader get ram-rodded by a reasonably well built QB…” Doug said, attempting a frown but finding his dead lips unaccommodating.36

“So that’s a yes?” George asked.37

“Yes.” Doug answered. Suddenly the passionate moans and half-screams died away into a single disappointed cheerleader’s mumbles and a quarterback’s triumphant grunt. The two zombies burst through the door. One heroic attempt and quarterback beating later George and Doug stood over the quivering and shaking cheerleader, who was beyond screaming for help.38

“So… do we kill her too?” Doug wondered.39

“Yes.” Came a groan from the door. They turned and found the mob leader standing in the door. “Kill and eat. Does not the prospect of eating the young female’s flesh excite you?”40

“In a very different way than it used to.” Doug said, turning back to the shaken girl. In her fright her skirt had torn, and her underwear was showing, and the top of her uniform was split to show her cleavage. But staring at what had once been the wet dream of many young men, Doug did not feel lust, not in any form, only hunger. Suddenly his instincts took over and he lunged forward, Before he knew it his teeth sunk into her neck, and his mouth filled with the sweet taste of blood and flesh.41

“Congratulations…” the leader said. “Big Bob feels you are now… one of us.”42

Doug ignored the statement and chewed on the cheerleader’s chin.43

-Skip Desert, Go For Coffee-44

Two devoured lovers later Doug and George followed Big Bob back to the larger zombie mob, which was gathered around the town’s school bus, banging its sides and moaning pointlessly.45

“So we’re going to hit the bus and wait for them to fall off?” Doug asked.46

“Can’t do much else.” Big Bob replied shuffling off to join the mob. George and Doug watched from where they stood, seeing the ex-military man arguing with the government scientist and geeky teen. He raised the rifle he was holding and let a bullet fly, which struck Doug’s left shoulder, blowing a chunk off. Doug didn’t feel any of the pain normally associated with a high velocity chunk of metal screaming through the air and inserting itself at extreme rates of spin, only a slight annoyance at losing a part of himself he would never get back, similar to when the doctors removed his tonsils.47

A moment later a second shot rang out, blowing the greater part of the dead waitress’ skull off. The mob looked to her as she stood there confused, before exploding in angry moans as she collapsed.48

“Is she dead?” Doug wondermoaned..49

“Looks to be.” George grumbled.50

“How is that even possible? Aren’t we dead as is?” Doug questiongurgled.51

“I don’t know what we are.” George said. “All I know is…” His words ended as his skull exploded outwardly. Doug watched the body collapse before feeling a gurgly moaning anger explode in his stomach. He charged forward (as quickly as someone with limited control of his motor functions) and slammed into the side of the bus. Doug’s angry movements tipped the bus a little further, causing the three on top to fall. The government scientist and geeky teen landed on their feet and took off running, taking refuge in a nearby Starbucks. The mob fell onto the militiaman, tearing him apart.52

“Are you not going to join us?” Big Bob asked, watching Doug shuffle towards the shop.53

“No…” Doug angrily gurgled. “I’m going to skip dessert, go for coffee…”54

“We’ll catch up!” Big Bob waved, before turning his attention back to chewing the militiaman’s aorta.55

-A Reasonable Ending-56

Doug broke through the window to the Starbucks, and found the scientist and geeky teen taking refuge behind the barista’s counter, locked in what they certainly believed was a passionate last chance. As he approached they looked up, only to see their looks of fear change into looks of confusion. Their mumbled living words became coherent in Doug’s ears.57

“…he looks alive again.” The woman said.58

“Yeah, he does.” The teen agreed.59

“The effects of the gas must be temporary… lasting only a few hours.”60

“Temporary death?” The teen asked.61

“Not death, but more an intense mind dulling coupled with an equally intense hunger.” The scientist said.62

“So… I was a blathering retard who had the munchies?” Doug asked.63

“Essentially.” The scientist said.64

“So all the people eaten… all the dead…” Doug said, putting his hand to his head at the unfathomable psychological damage he was likely going to face.65

“Do you feel… normal?” The teen asked.66

“Judging by the biological reactions he’s having to my appearance, yes.” The scientist said, disgusted. Doug caught himself staring at her shapely legs and ripped blouse and turned away.67

“I guess we can only rebuild.” The teen said, to which the scientist agreed and pulled him into her. Doug stared over the mob of people regaining sanity and could only wonder at what was going to become of them all.68

Suddenly he looked down and uttered,69

"My shoulder hurts..."70

and passed out from blood loss.71