Edlin, spy by night, nurse by day!

yes it is going to sound weird but that is because for the assignment we had to get together with a partner and ask them questions, and make a story with the answers they gave us. 1

The story: 2

Edlin Magli Garcia opened the book in front of her at it's marked page, letting her fingers brush over the grainy paper idly flipping pages without taking notice to the words on them. She held the book in front of her face in an attempt to hide her smug grin that revealed her braces and malicious smile from the surrounding public. She was taught to have perfect control of her emotions, to blend in with her surrounding atmosphere, to take an almost unbiased approach towards the people that cross her path. 3

It was a new world, a new her. There would be no more late night movies, no random chatting sessions with friends, no possible chance of keeping her boyfriend and her old life from clashing with this new world she'd been thrown into. There was no going back to the quiet normal life she led before, when there was never an abnormal day to deter her from achieving her goal of obtaining a degree in the nursing field. Although she had recently graduated from Forte Meade High School, she was quickly sought out as a recruit for the American government and trained to become a spy. 4

Her current mission was to infiltrate the hospital posed as the surgeon's personal nurse. He was said to be using illegal organs to replace damaged human organs; without the patients knowledge. The thought of using animal parts was bizarre! Edlin didn't have pets though so the news was easier to digest than for others. 5

Edlin wore a white nursing outfit, with a green bow in her hair. Green was her favorite color. There also needed to be a balance of color with the solid white outfit as well, so she also wore a green bracelet with her favorite number seven charm. 6

The soft echo of her shoes brushing the ground rebounded off the walls with her every step down the seemingly endless hall way. She went over her plan in her mind, double checking her advantages and disadvantages, and her escape plan. She smiled slightly as she thought of her precious car. Her blue Jeta sat just outside the south exit of the hospital awaiting her. 7

A sign hung above a door to her right, it's inscription in both English and Spanish. Being Mexican, she was fluent in both Spanish and English thankfully. Edlin walked through the door and took the needed preparations for the surgery before becoming the doctor's shadow. Reassuring herself of her own self confidence she was secretly grateful for the Humanities, Algebra, English, Ethics, and Sociology classes she began taking earlier that year. She felt the college life was far better than high school, and in a way had mentally prepared her for the next step after high school, and for this assignment. 8

The doctor snapped on his gloves and the surgery had begun. Edlin followed directions very well, never faltering when the doctor asked for an instrument. The profession suited her talents perfectly. She silently thanked herself for not pursuing a career in drawing or professional photography since both are her hobbies. Although she couldn't deny that all her years of competing in soccer tournaments hadn't done wonders keeping her in shape. She made her mind up at that moment. Edlin would finish her mission here and then quit the academy and follow her dreams to become a nurse. 9

Edlin watched the doctor continue the transfer of the illegal organ into the patient's body. It wasn't in her power to stop the transplant, only to observe and condemn. With her job done, Edlin excused herself from the operating table as the doctor finished sowing up the woman lying on the table and another nurse quickly took her place. She quietly walked out of the room but not before grabbing a piece of parchment of the animal organ's order slip, her proof, and the doctor's jail papers. 10

Filled with energy of another days good work, she shook her head to clear her mind of thoughts of the operation as she slipped into the drivers seat of her car, started the engine and drove off. Edlin smiled and said to herself, "Traveling anywhere by myself is so much more peaceful than with my family". Then she began to sing to her self softly. Usually only daring to sing in the shower, she couldn't help but be joyful in knowing that her dreams were just past that red light in front of her at PCC where she would make them come true!

Author notes

Okay so this story was really for my college comp class, and i have to read it in front of the class in the next few days and I just feel like I need reasurance that it sounds okay. lol

And yes it is going to sound weird but that is because for the assignment we had to get together with a partner and ask them questions, and make a story with the answers they gave us.

So I NEED feed back ASAP!

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8
  • Lol. I kept laughing at the points where I could see the info from your partner´s answer ingested into the story. It´s an old story, so you probably don´t still need feedback asap, but since I read it I thought I´d leave a comment. Considering the assignment this is pretty damn good work.

  • I really love this. the description of characters and thoughts are amazing.Everything is explained and that makes it easier to follow , I love the end of this piece..it made me smile

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Awe, thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad that you liked it and it made you smile. Hopefully like this --> Haha.


  • Reaver Greeters member
    October 15, 2008

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    Hope this got you an "A" ...

    Ok, for starters, I hope you got an 'A' on this cause it was wonderfully done. I didnt' think it weird in the least. It followed a clear story line and the imagery you brought forth with the descriptions was amazing sort of mundane things that we don't ordinarily think about that bring things into clearer perspective...

    ---
    the grainy paper idly flipping pages , smug grin that revealed her braces and malicious smile , a green bracelet with her favorite number seven charm. , < these are just a few of my favorite descriptions!

    ---

    I thought it was a bit stronger in the beginning, but that is only an opinion...not a bad mark on the work at all...ecause as i said, i really enjoyed reading it.

    I liked the idea of stealing organs and the name Edlin was creative.

    Bravo! Ovation!
    Really loved it..you write beautifully
    Rian Dyiti

    • amanda vampiress silver member
      October 15, 2008
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      Awe, your words mean alot to me! Thank you for reading and commenting! Actually, I agree, the beginning is a lot stronger than the ending, because I had a page limit. Other than that, anything goes. lol I'm glad you liked it.


  • StreetRider
    September 5, 2008

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    Lol, the ending was weird and funny in some sort of way. I did enjoy this story, and I bet your classmate will too!Good Job!

    Cheers,

    ProneDust


  • terror
    August 31, 2008

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    Some stunning descriptions here 'The soft echo of her shoes' Love the way everything is described. I can really feel the charectures emotions, I like her optimistic aproach to life.

    Only thing I would change is the word bizarre in 'The thought of using animal parts was bizarre'

    Other than that the story is very effective and I am hoping you will continue it.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.

    • amanda vampiress silver member
      August 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Oh, yes, your right about the bizarre part, I will make changes soon.

      As for continuing it.....possibly. lol At the moment I am focused on rewritting the first two chapters for my story Moon's fury....but if i do decide to continue it i will let ya know.

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