Lost

Kaylie was 14 going on 21. She thought she knew it all but she was no different from all of her friends. They all wanted to grow up before their time and appear older than their teenage years. Dreams filled their heads of what it must be like to be older and have their own apartments, be able to date boys whenever they liked, come home at whatever time they wanted. They wanted to wear the clothes they chose without parents telling them the skirts were too short or the pants were too tight. They wanted to wear make up as heavily as they thought looked good without being frog-marched to the bathroom to wipe it all back off. But Kaylie was different from her friends, she really did have a reason to want to grow up. She was pregnant.1

It had all started when the previous summer she had a summer romance with a guy from her school who was two years older than her. At the time she had only been 13 but even then she was developing attitude with her parents. Mike was 15 with dark messy hair and a slight hint of goth about him. He listened to metal music and didn't speak much. But Kaylie had been fascinated by him from the first moment she set eyes on him. Mike had a brother called Caleb who was in the same year at school as Kaylie and her best friend Lauren. Lauren and Caleb had been dating since they were like 10 years old. They told everyone they were just friends but the whole school knew they were more than that. So, that summer the four of them spent every day hanging out together and eventually Mike started to talk more about himself. He sat with Kaylie in the garden and gave her one earphone while he had the other in and they lay close to each other listening to his music. Kaylie hated metal, every word seemed to be about hate and anger and it was just something she couldn't relate too. She tried asking Mike why he liked it so much but he never really gave an answer. He spent most of his time just laying around with his eyes closed lost in his music.2

Towards the end of that summer Lauren and Caleb threw a party. Of course Kaylie and Mike were both there. She had made a huge effort to look grown up and gorgeous with her new purple dress and her darkened eyes; trying to appear slightly goth the way Mike did. After being at the party for a couple of hours Mike asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and listen to some music and of course she said yes. It was her first time in his bedroom and it smelled strange, not the typical musky smell of teenage boy, something strong and unfamiliar to her. His walls were covered in posters of Metallica, Korn, and other bands she had never heard of. His curtains were closed and he walked over to his stereo and put a CD on. Then he reached under the bed and took out a small box. He asked her if she minded him having a smoke and she said no. She thought he meant a cigarette, but instead he opened the box and brought out a little bag of green stuff. He took a cigarette paper in his hand and sprinkled in some tobacco then some of the green stuff on top before rolling it up. Laying back on the bed he took a long drag and held the smoke in his mouth for a while before slowly exhaling and filling the room with white smoke.3

He offered some to her but she refused. She lay down on the bed next to him though. Before long the smoke being breathed so close to her made her feel floaty and relaxed. Even Mike seemed more relaxed than his normal self as the two of them lay there giggling about nothing. No words were spoken when he kissed her, it was just something that happened in the moment. She felt her whole body tingle as she shared her first proper kiss with the boy she had been chasing all summer.4

Over the next year Kaylie and Mike became inseparable. Her parents didn't approve of her dating so they did their best to keep it a secret. She often said she was going out to meet Lauren when actually she met with Mike. After they had been dating for a year they celebrated their anniversary by going for a picnic on the beach. They spent the whole day there laughing and throwing each other in the water, acting like kids and burying each other's feet in the sand. As it got later in the day and the beach began to empty Kaylie started to get out their pre-packed food and Mike lay on the blanket smoking his pot. She had been intrigued by it for a while and for some reason that day she decided to try it. As the smooth sharp smoke hit the back of her throat she felt the same floaty feeling she got when she breathed it passively only on a much stronger scale. She lay back and looked at the sky and they talked about the shapes of the clouds. The picnic didn't get eaten, just spliff after spliff got smoked until they were too stoned to move at all. As the breeze in the air became cooler they cuddled into each other in the picnic blanket, little grains of sand stuck to their skin. By the time it had reached about 9.30pm when she was supposed to be home she was losing her virginity on the beach and conceiving their child.5

It had now been 12 weeks since that day at the beach and for the past 7 weeks she had known she was pregnant. She had no idea how to tell her parents or Mike for that matter. When the morning sickness had been really bad she excused herself from class saying she had a stomach bug and ran to the toilets. She knew she couldn't go on not telling people but it was impossible to find the right words. Not only would her parents kill her for having slept with someone at 14 they would also want to kill Mike for getting her pregnant. She decided she couldn't be a Mom so young and thought of ways to disguise her growing bump then having the baby alone and leaving it somewhere; that way she could just get on with her life. But already clothes were starting to get tight and she knew it wouldn't  be long before she would have to ask for new ones. There was just no way she could tell her Mom about this.6

One morning she got up early and took all her school books out her bag. In their place she filled it with clothes and a blanket. She went to the kitchen and stuffed all the pockets with food then went into her father's bedside drawer and lifted his emergency $100 that he always kept there.7

She left for school as normal, saying bye to her Mom and leaving the house at the usual time. She headed to the bus stop and got on the school bus. At school she got off the bus and walked about half a mile to the main road. She had no idea where she was going but it had to be far away from here. Her heart was thumping when she boarded the bus that would take her to the main train station and she knew people were looking at her in her uniform wondering why she wasn't going to school but she did her best to ignore them. She knew once she got to the train station she could use the restrooms to change into normal clothes and put some make up on so she looked older. When the bus finally arrived at the station she looked at the board with all it's place names and picked the furthest one away then went to get changed before making her way to the desk to get a one way ticket.8

She had chosen New York as her destination. It was about 3 hours on the train so she chose a couple of magazines to pass the time. Just a few pages into the first magazine was an article on teenage pregnancy that she couldn't even bear to look at so flicked past it. She found an article called "20 questions to see if he is the one" and opted for that instead. Sitting on the train there was no real emotion inside her. There was no fear, excitement, nothing. It was almost a numb sensation of knowing that was just what she had to do. She would go home once she had had the baby and somehow given it to someone else to look after, but for now she had decided that running away was her only choice. She couldn't let herself think about how her family would feel when they realised she wasn't coming home that night because as soon as she let that thought cross her mind she could feel a huge lump fill her throat and her eyes fill up. The thing was, she really loved both her parents and couldn't bear the thought of them being worried sick about her. Maybe in a few days she would find a call box and let them know she was safe.9

When the train arrived in the centre of New York (a place she had never been) she was almost immediately hit with the feeling of terror. There were so many people swarming around her, business men and women power walking around with briefcases; groups of Chinese tourists in circles taking pictures of buildings. The buildings were huge compared to back home and whilst she was so scared being there alone she also knew this was a place that nobody would even notice her. She would just be another person in the crowds. She started walking having no clue where to go, for the first time the thought crossed her mind of where she would actually sleep tonight. She couldn't afford to pay for a room as she only had $60 left and that money had to last her. So she just walked and walked before seeing a bus that would take her to Central Park and jumping on it. The park seemed like a good place to go, it was full of people rollerblading and playing games on the grass. There was a feeling of safety about it for her. The night was starting to close in and she headed towards some trees in the distance. In the trees she saw a small wall and legs aching from all the walking she climbed over it and sat on the grass and bark at the other side. For the first time since finding out she was pregnant all of the emotions came tumbling out as she sobbed, lost and alone in this strange city.10

That night she barely slept at all. Every noise made her jump and get up to look around. She knew there were dangerous people out there and did her best to keep herself hidden and safe. By the time daylight came back around she was utterly exhausted and freezing cold. It was coming into Fall and with only a light blanket she had no idea how cold it got in the middle of the night outdoors. She decided to start walking again before she was spotted by someone and hopefully warm herself up. 11

She had walked all round the city for hours when she saw a girl sitting under a railway bridge. The girl didn't look much older than Kaylie but straightaway Kaylie could tell she was sleeping rough. She had a sleeping bag next to her and a bag and Kaylie couldn't help but to walk towards her. As she grew closer she could see the girl's eyes were a mess, she had thick red cold sores all round her mouth. She was starting to wonder if speaking to this girl was such a good idea when the girl beat her to it and called her over. It turned out she was 19 and a crack addict. Kaylie didn't really know what crack was but she knew it was a hard drug and she knew it was something she never wanted to touch if that's how it would make you look. But the girl, Alicia, was nice and it was good to have someone to talk too. After a few hours they were chatting like they had known each other all their lives and Kaylie finally admitted that she was pregnant. Alicia told her she would take her under her wing and look after her, at least for the next few nights until she had decided what to do. Kaylie reckoned from the books she had read that she must be about 4 months pregnant by now. Alicia told her she had had a kid too when she was young who lived with her parents now. Since she had got hooked on crack at the age of 17 she was no longer welcome in the family home. They left their spot under the railway bridge and Alicia took her back to the house she and about 10 others squatted in. It had bare brick walls with graffiti all over them and the floors were covered in syringes and burnt tin foil. But Alicia said to ignore all that and just think she would at least be dry at night. When Kaylie found a bit of floor that didn't look too bad and went in her bag for some food, Alicia's face lit up. She said she hadn't eaten anything at all in at least two days and Kaylie thought nothing of sharing her crisps and chocolate. Then Alicia asked if she had any money so they could go get some coffee, how good it would be to get something hot inside her, she was freezing and Kaylie knew she looked ill. Seeing as Alicia was taking her under her wing, Kaylie told her about the $60 she had with her. It was a big mistake. Before she knew it Alicia had guilt tripped her into taking every last cent off of her by saying how badly she needed a hit; and Alicia would look after her and get her food and keep her safe, so she owed her didn't she?12

Every day Kaylie found herself thinking of home, thinking of her clean bed and warm bedroom. Her nice clothes and all her friends. And Mike. She missed him so bad. She wondered how her parents were and hoped they didn't have the police out looking for her. Not even Lauren knew she was pregnant, no one should really have any idea what had troubled her so much that she felt she had to run away. She hoped and prayed her parents didn't think she had been abducted or something. She truly didn't want to cause them pain and suffering but she knew it was probably unavoidable.13

On day seven of being in the squat she had seen every drug she had ever heard of in drug education books being smoked, swallowed or injected. She had seen massive arguments, violence, and experienced so many emotions she didn't even know she could feel. The most common emotion being fear she didn't even know existed. Every day and every night was a battle not to make Alicia angry when she was already pacing the floor crying and screaming about needing money for crack. Kaylie felt helpless, she wanted to stop Alicia being in pain even if it did mean her getting high on drugs she knew could kill her. She knew she had to get out of there before she decided to take one of these magic potions to block out all the pain as well. These people were a mess, she never wanted to turn out like them. But what would happen if she went back home now? She didn't even have a dollar to her name now to call home. But she knew she had to leave the squat even if it did mean freezing and being alone again all night.14

So that night she left. She walked for hours and hours until she found a quiet spot back at the park where she had spent her first night in the city alone. As she climbed up on the small wall she lost her footing and landed heavily on her front. Pain began ripping through her stomach and lower back but she tried to breathe through it and calm herself down. By the time it was daylight again she could see her pants were soaked with blood and all she could do was lie there on the grass in a tight ball praying for it all to stop. She tried to get to her feet but it hurt too bad, she began to scream as she couldn't take the agony anymore. No one seemed to hear her so she tried to get to her feet again and take a few steps; as dizziness washed over her and she collapsed to the ground she let out a high pitched squeal then everything went black.15

When she woke up she was in hospital. Some one had heard her cry and found her. Her parents were all ready there when she woke after the police called them to say they had found someone matching their daughter's description. She knew the baby was gone - she had lost him. They told her it had been a boy and she silently named him baby Michael. Her parents knew right now was not the right time for questions and they were so happy just to have their daughter safe and alive that they managed to just sit there and cuddle her. Deep down they knew why she had run off, they knew how they would have reacted if she had told them she was pregnant. They all blamed themselves for what had happened in their own ways.16

Two days later as they headed home as a family Kaylie felt more distraught than ever. Happy to be safe but her whole body ached with terrible sadness. She didn't know if she would ever tell Mike about baby Michael but she suspected she would one day. Her father wrapped his arms round her as they walked into the cold air towards the car. 17

"I don't know where you've been, who you have met, what you have seen. I don't know how you have survived Kaylie. But you have, and somehow you will get through this too." He squeezed his daughter's shoulders tight and planted a kiss on her forehead. She knew somehow he was right; she would get through this.