Lost

Kaylie was 14 going on 21. She thought she knew it all, but so did all of her friends. They all wanted to grow up before their time and appear older than their teenage years. Dreams filled their heads of what it must be like to be older and have their own apartments; be able to date boys whenever they liked; come home at whatever time they wanted. They wanted to wear the clothes they chose without parents telling them the skirts were too short or the pants were too tight. They wanted to wear make up without being frog-marched to the bathroom to wipe it all back off. 1

But Kaylie was different from her friends, she really did have a reason to want to grow up. She was pregnant.2

It had all started the previous summer, when she started having a crush on a guy from her school who was two years older than her. At the time she had only been 13 but even then she was developing her rebellious streak. Mike was 15 at the time, with dark messy hair and a hint of goth about him. He listened to metal music and didn't speak much. Kaylie was fascinated by him from the first moment she set eyes on him. Mike's younger brother Caleb was in the same year of school as Kaylie and her best friend Lauren. Lauren and Caleb had been dating since they were like 10 years old. They told everyone they were just friends but the whole school knew they were more than that. So, that summer the four of them spent every day hanging out together and that was when Kaylie's crush on Mike began. 3

As the weeks of the Summer holidays passed Mike and Kaylie grew closer. The small things he did meant so much to her, when he would take one of his earphones out and hand it to her so she could listen as well. Sometimes he would drape an arm around her and they would lie on the grass feeling the warm sun beat down on them, lost in their own little world. Anyone who saw them would wonder what they had in common, but they both looked so peaceful with their eyes closed, lost in music.4

Towards the end of summer Lauren and Caleb threw a party. Of course Kaylie and Mike were both there. Kaylie made a huge effort to look grown up and gorgeous with her new purple dress and her darkened eyes; trying to appear slightly goth the way Mike did. After being at the party for a couple of hours Mike asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and listen to some music, she said yes. It was her first time in his bedroom and it smelled strange, not the typical musky smell of teenage boy, but something strong and unfamiliar to her. His walls were covered in posters of Metallica, Korn, and some other bands she had never heard of. His curtains were closed and he walked over to his stereo and put a CD on then reached under the bed and took out a small box. He asked Kaylie if she would mind if he had a smoke and she shook her head and smiled at him. She thought he meant a cigarette, but he opened the box and brought out a little bag of green stuff. Holding a cigarette paper in his hand, he sprinkled in some tobacco then some of the green stuff on top before rolling it up. Laying back on the bed he took a long drag before slowly exhaling and filling the room with white smoke.5

He offered some to her but she refused. She lay down on the bed next to him though. Before long the smoke being breathed so close to her made her feel floaty and relaxed. Even Mike seemed more relaxed than his normal self as the two of them lay there giggling about nothing. No words were spoken when he kissed her, it was just something that happened in the moment. She felt her whole body tingle as she shared her first proper kiss with the boy she had been chasing all summer.6

Over the next year Kaylie and Mike became inseparable. Her parents didn't approve of her dating so they did their best to keep it a secret. She often said she was going out to meet Lauren when actually she met with Mike. After they had been dating for a year they celebrated their anniversary by going for a picnic on the beach. They spent the whole day there laughing and throwing each other in the water, acting like kids and burying each other's feet in the sand. As it got later in the day and the beach began to empty Kaylie started to get out their food and Mike lay on the blanket smoking his pot. She had been intrigued by it for a while and for some reason that day she decided to try it. As the smooth yet sharp smoke hit the back of her throat she felt her head go fuzzy; floaty but heavy; but she liked it. They lay back on the blanket and looked at the sky and talked about the shapes of the clouds. The picnic didn't get eaten, just spliff after spliff got smoked until they were too stoned to move at all. As the breeze in the air became cooler they cuddled into each other for warmth with little grains of sand stuck to their skin. By the time it had reached 9.30pm and she was supposed to be home, she was losing her virginity on the beach and conceiving their child.7

Twelve weeks has passed since that day at the beach and for six weeks now she had known she was pregnant. She had no idea how to tell her parents, or Mike for that matter. When the morning sickness started, she excused herself from class saying she had a stomach bug and ran to the toilet. She knew she couldn't go on not telling people but it was impossible to find the right words. Not only would her parents kill her for having slept with someone at 14 they would also want to kill Mike for getting her pregnant. She decided she couldn't be a Mom so young and thought of ways to disguise her growing bump, maybe she could hide the pregnancy and be brave enough to give birth alone. She could leave the baby somewhere, outside a hospital maybe and get on with her life. But already clothes were starting to get tight and she knew it wouldn't be long before she would have to ask for new ones. It was like a ticking time bomb, but there was just no way she could tell her Mom about this.8

One morning she got up early and took all her school books out her bag. In their place she filled it with clothes and a blanket. She went to the kitchen and stuffed all the pockets with food then went into her father's bedside drawer and lifted his emergency $100 that he always kept there.9

She left for school as normal, saying bye to her Mom and leaving the house at the usual time. She headed to the bus stop and got on the school bus. At school she got off the bus and walked about half a mile to the main road. She had no idea where she was going but it had to be far away from here. Her heart was thumping when she boarded the bus that would take her to the main train station and she knew people were looking at her in her uniform wondering why she wasn't going to school, but she did her best to ignore them. Her plan was to get to the train station then change into normal clothes and put some make up on so she looked older; hopefully then she could blend in with the college students wandering around. 10

She had chosen New York as her destination. It was going to take about three hours on the train, so she bought a couple of magazines to pass the time. Sitting on the train there was no real emotion inside her. There was no fear, excitement, nothing. It was an almost numb sensation of knowing that this was just what she had to do. She would go home once she had the baby and hoped someone else would be looking after it by then. For now running away seemed like her only choice. She couldn't let herself think about how her family would feel when they realised she was missing, it hurt too bad. She loved both of her parents and couldn't bear the thought of them being worried sick about her, yet she also couldn't face their looks of disappointment if they knew the truth. Maybe in a few days she would find a call box and let them know she was safe.11

When the train arrived in Manhattan she was immediately hit with the feeling of terror. There were so many people swarming around her, business men and women power walking around with briefcases; groups of Chinese tourists in circles taking pictures of buildings. Straight away she knew this was a place that nobody would even notice her, she would just be another person in the crowds. Kaylie began walking aimlessly, with no clue where to go. For the first time the thought crossed her mind of where she would actually sleep tonight. She couldn't afford to pay for a room as she only had $60 left and that money had to last her. So she just walked and walked before seeing a bus that would take her to Central Park and jumped on it. The park seemed like a good place to go, it was full of people rollerblading and playing games on the grass. It was huge and yet there was a feeling of safety about it. The night was starting to close in and when she entered the park she headed towards some trees in the distance. In the trees she saw a small wall and legs aching from all the walking she climbed over it and sat on the grass and bark at the other side. For the first time since finding out she was pregnant all of the emotions came tumbling out as she sobbed, lost and alone in this strange city.12

That night she barely slept at all. Every noise made her jump and get up to look around. She knew there were dangerous people out there and did her best to keep herself hidden and safe. By the time daylight came around she was utterly exhausted and freezing cold. It was coming into Fall and with only a light blanket she had no idea how cold it got in the middle of the night outdoors. Momentarily she thought of snuggling close to Mike, of her family, of her warm bed at home. She decided to start walking again before she was spotted by someone and hopefully warm herself up. 13

She walked round the city for hours when she saw a girl sitting under a railway bridge. The girl didn't look much older than herself but straightaway Kaylie could tell she was sleeping rough. She had a sleeping bag next to her and a carrier bag by her side. As Kaylie grew closer she could see the girl's eyes were sunken, she had thick red cold sores all round her mouth and looked a mess. She was starting to wonder if speaking to this girl was such a good idea when the girl beat her to it and called her over. It turned out she was 19 and a crack addict. Kaylie didn't really know what crack was but she knew it was a hard drug and she knew it was something she never wanted to touch, especially if that's how it made you look. But the girl, Alicia, was nice and it was good to have someone to talk too. After a few hours they were chatting like they had known each other all their lives and Kaylie finally admitted that she was pregnant. Alicia told her she would take her under her wing and look after her, at least for the next few nights until she had decided what to do. Kaylie reckoned she must be about four months pregnant by now, her tummy was swelling but not quite a bump. Alicia told her she had had a kid too when she was young who lived with her parents now. Since she had got hooked on crack at the age of 17 she was no longer welcome in the family home. 14

They left their spot under the railway bridge and Alicia took her back to the house she squatted in. In the first thirty minutes of being there, Kaylie saw at least another ten squatters wander around. It had bare brick walls with graffiti all over them and the floors were covered in syringes and burnt tin foil. Alicia said to ignore the mess, just think she would at least be dry tonight. When Kaylie found a bit of floor that didn't look too bad and went in her bag for some food, Alicia's face lit up. She said she hadn't eaten anything at all in at least two days and Kaylie thought nothing of sharing her crisps and chocolate. Then Alicia asked if she had any money so they could go get some coffee, how good it would be to get something hot inside her, she was freezing and Kaylie knew she looked ill. Seeing as Alicia was being so nice by taking her under her wing, Kaylie told her about the $60 she had with her. It was a big mistake. Before she knew it Alicia had guilt tripped her into taking every last cent by saying how badly she needed a hit; and Alicia would look after her and get her food and keep her safe, so she owed her didn't she?15

With each day that passed, Kaylie found herself thinking of home, thinking of her clean bed and warm bedroom. Her nice clothes and all her friends. And Mike. She missed him so bad. She wondered how her parents were and hoped they didn't have the police out looking for her. Not even Lauren knew she was pregnant, no one should really have any idea what had troubled her so much that she felt she had to run away. She hoped and prayed her parents didn't think she had been abducted or something. She truly didn't want to cause them pain and suffering but deep down she knew it was unavoidable.16

On day seven of being in the squat she had seen every drug she had ever heard of before being smoked, snorted, swallowed or injected. She had seen massive arguments, violence, and experienced so many emotions she didn't even know she could feel. The most common emotion being a level of fear she hadn't even known existed until now. Every day and night was becoming a battle not to make Alicia angry when she was pacing the floor crying and screaming about needing money for crack. Kaylie felt helpless, she wanted to stop Alicia being in pain even if it did mean her getting high on drugs that could kill her. She knew she had to get out of there before she decided to take one of these magic potions to block out all the pain as well. These people were a mess, she never wanted to turn out like them. But what would happen if she went back home now? She didn't even have a dollar to her name now to call home. But she knew she had to leave the squat even if it did mean freezing and being alone again all night.17

So that night she left. She walked for hours and hours until she found a quiet spot back at the park where she had spent her first night in the city alone. As she climbed up the wall to get over onto the secluded bit of grass behind it, she lost her footing and landed heavily on her front. Pain began to rip through her stomach and lower back but she tried to breathe through it and calm herself down. By the time it was morning she could see her pants were soaked with blood and all she could do was lie there on the grass in a tight ball praying for it all to stop. She tried to get to her feet but it hurt too bad, she began to scream as she couldn't take the agony anymore. No one seemed to hear her so she tried to get to her feet again and take a few steps; as dizziness washed over her and she collapsed to the ground she let out a high pitched squeal then everything went black.18

When she woke up she was in hospital. Some one had heard her cry and found her. Her parents were already there when she woke. Everything had moved so fast from them, another day of waiting for news then being driven all the way to New York after the police arrived saying they had found Kaylie. They were angry and confused but more than anything relieved that Kaylie was OK. They knew she was in hospital but had been assured it was nothing life threatening. The last thing they expected to be told when they arrived was that she had miscarried. She was just fourteen years old and already lost a child. They wished she had told them about the baby, yes they would have been angry but they would have supported her. They could have helped.19

Kaylie knew the baby was gone as soon as she woke up in the hospital. They asked if she wanted to see him but she refused, knowing he was too small to look like a proper baby yet. Inside her head she silently named him baby Michael. She couldn't speak to her parents who sat in the corner of the room and tears rolled down her cheeks. Her Mom came over and held her close, the pair of them both in tears, lost in their own thoughts. Deep down they knew why she had run off, they knew how they would have reacted if she had told them she was pregnant. They all blamed themselves for what had happened.20

Two days later and with heavy hearts they headed home as a family. Kaylie, filled with sadness from the loss of the little boy she would never know. Her parents filled with mixed emotions: relief Kaylie was safe, sadness they had lost their grandson, uncertainty about what the future would hold. 21

As Kaylie sat in the back of the car she breathed onto the cold window making it steam up. She ran her fingertip through the steam and wrote a M into it. Mike, lovely Mike, what must he be thinking? She wondered if she would ever tell him about baby Michael. She knew he had a right to know. Her thoughts drifted to her lost son, how she had wished the pregnancy would just go away, how she thought of leaving him outside a hospital somewhere and guilt tore through her. 22

For the first time she realised that she had just been young and stupid, too young to have had sex, too young to deal with the consequences. She ran away because she was terrified of people's reactions, she was too unsure of her own feelings. She wanted space and to escape, she wasn't ready to deal with being a parent. She wanted time out to decide what to do, away from everyone else. The last thing she wanted was to end up in a squat full of junkies and alcoholics. She just wanted space! Not to end up in a whole new world of problems! And now the decision had been made for her, her baby was gone. A silent tear crept out the corner of her eye as those words played over and over in her head. 23

Gone.24

Her baby was gone.