Kale’s car was not an option. So I lead Dugan around the corner of the mom and pop motel. Other travelers were busy packing up their cars and I wondered if Kale had paid for one or two nights. I didn’t notice a Do Not Disturb sign hanging from the door, but then again I hadn’t been looking for it.1
I slowly walked past a young family and it made me wonder what my parents were doing. I hadn’t seen them in four years. Did they wonder about me? I had never asked Sunsaray what they had been told. Did they even know I was alive? 2
Dugan trotted at my side, wagging his tail, just happy to be out of the room. His warmth and energy gave me a small amount of comfort. His steady footfalls helped calm my nerves and my heart rate slowed.3
It was mid-morning by this time and the sun was just hitting its high point when Dugan and I turned a corner that lead to a deserted parking lot. I suppose the motel wasn’t busy this time of year. While the front parking lot was filled with cars, this one had the feel of abandonment. 4
Piles of paper gathered under spindly saplings, while weeds grew through cracks in the pavement. A lone cart stood by a door at the end of the building. The door had either been taken off or torn off and had an open mouth appearance.5
Dugan’s fur stood on end and a low, soft growl rumbled from his throat, as we slowly made our way across the shadowy parking lot.6
“You’ve gone far enough Raisa,” came a voice from the shadows.7
I paused. “Ahbree,” I chuckled. “I should have known it was you.”8
A lower chuckle answered mine. “And how were you to know?”9
“Kale.” One word, but this one word said volumes. 10
“Why couldn’t you just stay gone? We were doing so well without you. He hardly mumbled your name in his sleep anymore.”11
This was new to me. I didn’t realize they were still an item. I wasn’t concerned that he called my name, he’d been talking in his sleep since childhood, but I was flattered even if I didn’t want to be.12
Dugan’s growl grew in volume, as he slinked forward. Ahbree’s gun shifted to him as she stepped out of the shadow of a Spruce tree. “Get that thing to stop or I will shoot it.”13
I put a hand on Dugan’s back to stop him. He whined and looked at me as if asking to go for it. “No Dugan, stay with me.”14
Dugan lowered himself to his belly as he quieted, big, liquid brown eyes on me. I patted his head to tell him thanks.15
“Ahbree, I have no power over Kale. He’s a big boy and chooses who and what he wants. Hurting me or even killing me will not make things right for you two.”16
The gun trembled slightly in her small hand. I could see what drew men to her. Her petite frame and innocent doe like eyes were sure to attract attention. The cherry nose and dusting of freckles added to her charm and again the protect me vibe radiated from her. I could see why Kale had wanted her, but I could also see why he had pulled away. There was only so much pretend innocence could get you.17
“It might not, but I will feel better when you’re not here to distract him.” Ahbree took another step into the sunlight.18
“Are you really serious? If Kale finds out it was you, do you really think he’ll have anything to do with you?” I asked in a calm voice. Inside I was trembling. If she would have pressed me I would have folded, but she didn’t and I held my ground. I was hoping Kale would come looking for me soon. For now I needed to stall Ahbree.19
“He’ll never know,” she laughed and her thick chestnut hair fell in her face. “I can make it look like an accident. I’ve been trained, like you. I’ve even got my BOT’s still.” She raised a non-descript black bag.20
I backed away slightly. “An accident in broad daylight? Wow! That’s pretty impressive. Do you think you can pull that off? I mean even I would have trouble with that one.” That felt flimsy even to me but I couldn’t come up with anything better.21
She laughed louder and higher and I cringed. Dugan whined at my feet, but stayed. She was crazy; there was nothing more to say.22
“Ahbree, please, I can help you. I can talk to Kale. Tell him how much he means to you. He’ll listen to me. In no time you two will be together in some remote place. The Company will never have to know. You just need to let me go.”23
“Sunsaray said you would try to talk your way out of this.” Her gun dipped.24
Now I was confused, Sunsaray? When did she come into the picture? “Are you trying to say that Sunsaray is in on this?” I asked delicately.25
“I was with Kale when you called. Sunsaray was already informed. He didn’t even hesitate when you called. Not one word to me. He dressed and told me to leave and to lock up when I left. I knew it was you. You were the only one standing in my way. Kale would have been all mine.” She wiped her forehead, moving her long bangs to the side. 26
“I didn’t know he was with you. I told Sunsaray I was calling Kale. She didn’t stop me. How was I to know? I hadn’t talked to Kale in almost a year?” I held my hands out in surrender.27
Ahbree shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I know you don’t care. If you had cared you would have known. You are so self-absorbed.”28
I really didn’t know where to go from there. Dugan pushed up against my leg.29
***30
The room was quiet when Kale emerged from the shower. The water had cleared his head and he was better able to think through his troubles.31
His emotions crashed against him like an ocean wave against the sand. But like the sand that let the water strip the top layer away, his emotions lay bare. Stripped like a tree branch being bashed against a cliff.32
Raisa was what he wanted. What every fiber of his being craved. She would see that, once he got dressed. He was determined to make her his. She would see. He threw open the bathroom door fully expecting to duke it out until the end. Kale was let down when the silence of the empty room greeted him.33
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Comments
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para #2 doing. (You don't have this phrased as a question.)
This was a well written piece. Even though I picked up here in mid stream, I was able to figure out who the good guys and bad girls were.
I liked your characters - and the names you gave them! Originality points! yea!
It had good flow, dialog, and a clear direction.
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I agree with Phil. Raisa is totally cool and you've got a lot of tangents set up in the story to continue from in one way or another. I hope you keep it going!
You've posted another part? I'm off to read it.
Greg -
Afraid to finish? Man, I know the feeling...I HATE that feeling....you MUST finish...and expand...and allow Raisa to continue...she's took damn cool not to!
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Ok,ok, ok, you've convinced me. I'll post what I have. It's not finished, but I'll put it up. It's an action scene, so it takes me a little longer to do.
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Phil and Val have covered the typos I saw.
What an interesting little twist. I knew something would happen when she left the room but this was totally unexpected. It explains much of Kale's side of their conversation. Sunsaray's involvement is no surprise. I've been suspicious of her from the start.
Good descriptions to bring you into the story as usual. I like how Dugan sensed Ahbree and warned Raisa before she appeared or spoke. He has been a great additional character in the story.
I'm really liking this story. It's taken a different direction from the beginning while keeping an active thread to it so you never know what to expect next.
Nice little cliffhanger ending too. Has enough time passed for Kale to have come looking for her? Does he even remember that his 'job' right now is to protect Raisa? Hmm.
Great chapter Brooke!
Nicely done!
Keep it coming.
Greg
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I haven't picked this up this week yet. I think I've afraid to finish it. I really like the character of Raisa.
Maybe I'll finish it.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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I'm still diggin' this story, Brooke, and I really think you could expand this entire thing into a longer piece...novel-length of course! I hope you do!
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I am so behind on the edit, but I can't believe you commented again
Thanks for reading and for really liking the story.
This weekend I am doing all the edits to all parts and chapters
Thanks for reading. And I just might have to make this a novel
Brooke
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Real good
I think this is really good! very well done to you.! Why not visit my page and read some of mine? Just click adventrous five dont click the ones with the tiltle An intresting tale or five go to castle island
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for reading
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that was so detailed, good write and very trixy...
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that
was good
i loved it
i was really involved
it was greatly detailed
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Hieightened Intenseity
Oh no I hope Raisa isn't going to be killed off before she tells her true feelings to Kale. I couldn't bare it ,if that happened. Too much to take in. Please dont let it happen.
Julie
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Ooooh I knew it, I KNEW IT!! That tricky Sunsaray was not to be trusted! (though she has a cool name) ...although...all we have is the word of a madwoman on that...nice...I'm not really sure whether I can believe Ahbree or not!
Oh my goodness, this is about to get crazy. I can only assume Ahbree, stalkerwoman that she is, has been trailing Kale the whole time! That's crazy, but I think we've already established that. And oh so addicting to read...
I really saw that back lot there, with the paper under trees and the weeds in the cracks. Nice job on the descriptiveness there.
I can't WAIT to see what happens next.
Some stuff:
protect me vibe radiated from here. - protect-me, from her? I think?
Ahbree, please I can help you. - either a comma or period after please
In not time you two - no time
self absorbed - I'm not sure but I think it needs a hyphen between the words
She would see that once he got dressed - comma after "that". Rewarded 8
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Ok I made the corrections you and Phil suggested. I just hope I can continue to to write this. I'm not sure I want to end it. It's like giving yp my baby
Thands for reading
Brooke
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'graph 3: His steady footfalls helped calm (my) nerves and my hear(t) rate slowed.
'graph 23: In (no) time you two...
'graph 27: I hadn't talk(ed) to Kale in almost a year.
Uh oh...things are about to pick up now. Curious, how did Ahbree know where to find them? And Sunsaray is in on this...as i suspected!
Now, the question is: Why? Why do they want to get rid of Raisa..ok, Ahbree's reasoning is clear, but Sunsaray's? Hope you let us in on this bit of info. This is another excellent piece from you. It's a completely different story than what I've read of your stuff before, but that's good! You're stretching out, trying something new, and as far as I'm concerned, it's working!
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