It Hurts When I Think About You

I kept trying to avoid sleep these past few nights. After my last psychological break down (I had been sleeping way too much, and literally thought my childhood friend was outside my window, when he's no longer living near me), I decided that I should try to just nap in little intervals. But the more I tried to deprive myself of sleep, the more I realized I was hurting myself even more. 1

My eating habits were off the charts. I would gorge myself constantly, yet I was still a skinny girl. That still didn't keep me from calling myself anorexic, or as I had just figured out the other night, the correct term was anorexia nervosa. Without that nervosa, it was just saying I didn't eat. That wasn't the term for me whatsoever. I continuously ate, only gaining a pound or so, then losing it two days later, along with five more pounds. It sort of made me think of myself lucky, that I could be so skinny and my family had to deal with weight issues. But that was fine, because we were all getting through this, somehow.2

I thought about why I kept doing this to myself. Did I want to be noticed? I mean, I had a vicious cycle with my eating habits. I would not eat, then when I felt too sick, I would gorge. As I felt stomach acid trying to work its way up my throat, I would control with medicine I didn't even really need. Then, when I thought I was done 'throwing up' (if it got real bad, I would lie and say I was spitting up all my meals), I would stop eating again. I especially hated eating food in public. So, what kept making the thought of not eating appeal? The thought of me trying to gain someone's attention, angered me. I wasn't as stupid as some of my friends, who would go to extreme limits to finally be allowed or offered to be something. But this was insane. 3

My thoughts wouldn't scramble to a conclusion. Better yet, they did, but I wouldn't accept it because the guy hated me. He was repulsed by my very presence, each day and night that he had to deal with me. So, why would I do it for him? He was overweight, claimed to be Mexican, but we all knew the truth. Indians have great resemblances to Beaners. Besides, his green orbs just look at you once and grab a hold to you. I didn't know any other dark person with eyes like his. Except...for myself, but I was a black-eyed girl in the average man's eyes. Nothing beautiful or special about me, in any way. The only thing alluring about me was that I was what that boy wanted. Every little particular aspect he wanted in the other girls, I had. But he refused me. 4

It was a shame, because great minds think alike. 5

I sighed, trying effortlessly to shred his face from my memories. It was to no avail, as his tan face, dark curly hair swept into my view. It was hopeless to even try, because he was stuck in the back of my mind. If I were to somehow get brain damage or forget most of my life, he'd probably still be there. No matter what I did in a day's time, I thought or dreamed about him. I was avoiding sleep. I was trying to stop eating so I could I get delusional, most likely. I was bound to kill myself if he didn't get out soon. 6

Now see, normally I don't make such a big deal, but you have to understand, I've loved him since the day I laid my eyes on him. I remember the date clearly, September 2nd, 2005. It would never leave, just as well as his curls and emerald eyes. He would die, and I would still remember every detail about him. That was how much I wanted him. To be with him...7

To have him hold me each night. The fact that it would never happen killed me inside out. So that's why I was so used to not eating. I had once shared a table with him. When he caught on, I ceased eating, giving my food to the girl from band that was pregnant; twins. So now I wondered, if I could get help. Whichever choice I picked, there was a opportunity cost. If I chose to love him forever, I was bound to have to suck it all up and live. Yet, if I decided to try hating him, it would just kill me more and more. 8

This was just to hard for me. 9

And I would always love Jacob Thomas Sellman.