As the books I so reverently read would say, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach dropped. I just stood there with my heart pounding and hands shaking. My hair was still wet, so I didn’t know if it was sweat or water that slipped down my spine.1
I couldn’t speak. I don’t know if I would even if I could. Speech, something we all learn as infants had flown from my capabilities, as a bird flies from the nest when it’s time to leave.2
What was I to say? Many nights before I left I pondered my reasoning for even thinking about leaving. All the bitten nails, all the pulled out hair, never did produce an answer. So I stood there, clutching my day old clothes and looking for an escape.3
“Raisa, did you hear me?” Kale asked breaking the silence.4
I blinked. Still no answer came to me. Finally I looked away and replied, “I really don’t want to do this right now. We’ve bigger problems than your ego.”5
Kale’s mouth dropped and I knew I’d hurt him. He really wanted to have this conversation right this minute. I wasn’t ever going to be ready. I did not contact Kale for almost a year so this conversation would never happen.6
“My ego? You are incredible! You walk out with only a 'see you around' and it’s my ego you bring up?”7
He got up and stalked over to stand inches from me. His warm breath blew feather soft across my cheek, sending chills down my arms. He must have still been drinking coffee while he waited for me. With every breath he exhaled the bitter smell washed over me. I closed my eyes fighting the urge to reach out and touch his cheek. His old whiskers were begging to be caressed.8
I sighed shallow and crunched my eyes tight, fighting both the urge to touch and the urge to punch him. Taking him down would be very satisfying.9
“Look Kale, you want to do this? Fine we’ll do this, but not now. We figure this out first.”10
Kale didn’t look happy, but he held his tongue. He dropped his fists from his hips and I hadn’t realized they were there. I took a step back to give us both space.11
“Fine, I'm gonna shower.”12
He walked around me to the bathroom. I opened my eyes as I heard the door shut and my shoulders slumped. I hadn’t realized how hard that was going to be when I called him.13
***14
The last ten hours had brought one difficulty after another to Kale and he leaned over the sink. What he saw in the rectangular mirror shocked him. His sandy hair was a mess. Sections of it were sticking up in places, giving him a rockstar look. He smirked slightly. That’s when his attention turned to the rest of his face. The day old beard was to be expected. The prickles tickled his palm as he ran his hand down to his chin. What haunted him was how sad his eyes looked. It was as if his world had crashed, once again.15
He didn’t want to admit it, but Raisa had hurt him. He wanted, no, needed to know why she had left. It seemed like their relationship was going well. Every minute was spent together and it was great. Then one day she said she was done. Raise walked away. Kale hadn’t heard from her since then and in one night his life was turned around.16
Kale shook his head. He really wanted this to be done. He needed answers. Kale gripped the sides of the sink tightly. His fingers lipped around the ivory porcelain. 17
Standing right in front of Raisa before, Kale had to press his fists into his hips to keep from grabbing her arms and pulling him to her. Kale knew her soft curves would mold perfectly to him. Her ringlets begged for him to curl them around his fingers, the softness called to him.18
It was very hard for him to walk into the bathroom. So here he was gripping the sink, waiting for the water to warm up.19
***20
I had to get out of there. One more minute there and I would burst. Dugan’s ears perked up and he lunged to his feet to stand beside me.21
“Let’s get out of here Dugan.” With a small woof Dugan lead the way to the door. Although I knew I shouldn’t, I left. Any more time with Kale, in the same room with him would be disastrous. There was too much tension, too much unfinished business between us. I had to get away.22
Sunlight streamed in through the opening of the doorway. Dugan pranced out first. I held my hand on the knob a little longer than necessary as I glanced around the room. Although we’d only spent a few hours here, and most of that was arguing, I was sad to leave it. 23
I sighed deeply as I closed the door one last time.24
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Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hey Brooke,
This must be a rewrite. I've read it before, but I see you've done a good job of correcting the typos. Only found one-para16-line5 "Raisa'. Looking forward to your next installment
steve
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Sounds like Raisa is gone again. Poor Kyle. Not you really have me curious as to what happened before. Kyle sounds like he's totally in the dark and Raisa doesn't sound like she intends to give up any information, yet I get the feeling that she was very hurt also.
I hope you don't keep Kyle or your readers waiting and wondering much longer.
Great writing and I'm really getting into your story.
Trish
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Trish you are a great supporter
Thanks
You know how true love can hurt when it is betrayed? That's about the short version of this, or what I hope people will get from the cryptic hints I have given.
Thanks for reading and for liking.
Brooke
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The story is coming along beautifully
Duggan’s still with us
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Hi Brooke, good dialogue between these two characters. You can really draw those descriptions *dancers*
The story is coming along beautifully but this scene seems a bit too condensed. The activity doesn't move the plot. Probably just me, but him taking off for the bath and her just leaving all seemed a bit abrupt. Nothing was acomplished.
Perhaps keeping the readers on edge, and not allowing them to understand what her history with Kale is all about, was your intention. If that’s the case it worked. You made me all the more curious as to what you are planning next.
Couple things to look at;
“I really don’t want to do this right now. We’ve bigger problems then ( than) your ego.”5I
did not contact kale (Kale) for almost a year so this conversation would never happen
I opened my eyes as I heard the door shut and (my) shoulders slumped. I
Kale’s mouth dropped and I knew I’d hurt him. He really wanted to have this conversation right this minutes.(minute.)
One more minutes (minute) with Kale, in the same room with him would be disastrous.
I held my hand on the knob a little longer then (than) necessary as I glanced around the room.
Geri
dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I'm hoping that the next part will help this part along. When I'm done I want all the parts to just be chapters so it won't be dragging out when the slow parts come.
OK I needed to get Raisa out of the motel room and this unfortunately was were it was headed *sigh*, so I ran with it. I don't control my stories, they control me
Thanks for all those pointers and I hope I've fixed them
Thanks for reading also.
Brooke
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Oh, man! I thought she was going to open up to him. She even admits to herself that she wants to. Why is she being so damn stubborn? Women!
Gonna leave us hanging longer on the outcome of their little scenario, eh? Nice descriptions throughout as always. The others covered the typos I saw.
So now she's leaving their hiding spot by herself. Probably not a good idea there. Her emotions seem to be getting the better of her judgment. Looks like the action is about to restart. Let's see what she gets herself into now and if Kale will catch up in time to save her from herself.
Another great part. So let's see what happens next!
Keep it coming!
Greg
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I never said Raisa was smart, well maybe I did. But who is really smart and sane when it comes to their emotions?
Yep the action is about to start again.
Thanks for reading
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Ok, Brooke, you're gonna have to get writing! How many parts left before you need to write more? One? You better get to writing! hahahahahaha
Please? I'm dying to know what happens next!!!!! -
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Did I already post this? I can't remember. Oh well, I've got one more in this chapter and I've started the next chapter. I'm about ready to wrap this up.
Thanks for reading again and I really need to get on those errors
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No, I just got impatient and read ahead! Sorry for the confusion!
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Good
I so want Kale and Raisa to get together. At the momment it just dosen't seem likely. There were a few typos as Vakynie has pointed out as usual. Another good read. Keep it up.
Julie
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Oh my, I didn't see that coming. I so thought the convo was happening now; keeping us all in suspense a bit longer, then, eh?
It seems to me that the story's gotten a bit slow with the past relationship; it is a vital and integral part of your plot though, and I like the job you're doing of complicating the plot with it. I'm really looking forward to more of the running and shooting and stuff, though; that part was awesome for me.
Bits I got distracted by were:
with only a see you around and it’s my ego - maybe if you put the "see you around" in single quotes, it would help it stand out from Kale's sentence better
I heard the door shut and shoulders slumped. - my shoulders slumped, or his?
He wanted, no needed to know why - kinda got me a bit confused for a minute, maybe put "no, needed" in between some dashes or drop the "no" or something?
But dang, your descriptiveness rocks! The ringlets thing, oooh. And when Kale was gripping the sink, and the description of his face...niiiice. Rawr! The "rockstar look" made me
, cuz you know they take three hours to look like they took no time at all. Looks like Kale has them beat!
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'graph 5: We've bigger problems (than) your ego.
'graph 6: He really wanted to have this conversation right this (minute).
'graph 21: One more (minute) there and I would burst.
'graph22: You used the phrase "One more minutes" twice now in the last few sentences. Too repetitive...
'graph 23: Sunlight streamed in through (the) opening of the doorway.
Hmmm... I get the sense that Raisa has no desire to return to the room with Kale. Could make things interesting...out on her own--not sure who to trust. You're really doing a good job capturing these characters' feelings, which makes it so much easier to read. Keep writing this, Brooke! We're all looking forward to reading more!
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