The plane ride1
To Israel was long
But I could feel shivers
Of excitement racing through my body2
I had only been out of the hospital for a day
And here I was on the air plane so far from the hospital
And from the difficulties that had haunted most of my life3
The whole time I was on the airplane
I didn’t hear any of the voices
I didn’t even see or feel anything strange
In my head I knew that it might be because of
The new medication called Zyprexa
(it was a medicine Dr. Knowlen thought would help me with my mood swings, but it was also a newer generation antipsychotic)
And the effects of eating again
But part of me wondered if maybe Fellingham
And the others only lived in the United States4
The idea that I might be free of intrusive voices
For the entire six weeks of our vacation thrilled me
I remember laughing a lot on the plane
And feeling this free feeling bubbling up inside me5
When we arrived in Israel6
Everybody on the airplane clapped
I clapped too
For many reasons7
The airport in Israel was smaller
Then the JFK airport had been
Outside everything looked different
The air was dryer and hotter
Everything was browner
And there were rows and rows of palm trees
Dotting the landscape outside8
Our apartment was in Jerusalem
We took a taxi there
The driver took us careening down the road
At about eight five miles an hour
We swerved in and out of traffic
And I could feel myself being jerked around in my sear
Several different times I wondered if I had
Survived everything this far
Only to be killed by a crazy cab driver9
Somehow we all made it to the apartment in one piece
And piled out of the car and up the stairs
With six weeks’ worth of luggage in our hands10
The sixth day in Israel11
Was the first time I really slipped up
But definitely not the last12
The food in Israel turned out to be really good
And I was hungrier then I ever remembered feeling
The first few days I figured it was okay to eat a little more
Then I usually allowed myself
After all I had literally been starving myself for almost a year
And I was still considered to be quite underweight for my height13
By the sixth day of eating way more then I was used to
I started to decide that my clothes felt tighter on me
The thought that I might have gained a lot of weight
Terrified me and made me feel sick to my stomach
Visions of myself weight three hundred pounds
Flashed through my head over and over
I clutched my stomach
It felt distended and swollen14
That night after dinner
I excused myself to the bathroom
Knowing I had to reverse the path
Of all the food I had just ingested
I had already taken my night time meds
But I would just have to risk that
The thought of gaining weight was so frightening to me
That there was no other option
In the bathroom I stuck my fingers down my throat
Wiggled and then vomited
I repeated this process several times
Until nothing was coming up but bile15
I don’t think I could even breathe properly
Until I was certain that I was free of food16
After purging I washed my hands
Wiped down the toilet seat
And sprayed my air freshener around the room17
Then on an impulse I opened the medicine cabinet
I don’t know what I expected to find in there
But when I found the diet pills I knew I had to try a few
Just to see if they actually worked18
The directions said to take one
So I popped two
With some water from the sink19
Then I quietly replaced the bottle
And exited the bathroom20
My parents were waiting21
For me when I walked out of the bathroom
They asked me if I threw up
When I didn’t respond and hung my head
Mom spoke to me in a firm voice22
“We know you made yourself throw up and it’s not okay. You can not keep doing this, you’re going to make yourself really sick.”23
She lectured a little longer
I just kept nodding
I knew I had screwed up
And I promised my parents and myself
That it wouldn’t happen again
I really wanted the promise to be true
And I tried to keep it24
But in the days that followed I purged even more
Soon I was purging two or three times a day every day
I was also taking the diet pills every once in a while
I had no idea how much I weighed
And that made things even worse
The apartment had had a scale in it
But I noticed that my parents had hid it on me25
I tried not to throw up my meds
Because I knew that would mess things up
I’d had enough experience with meds by now
To know that when I took them things were easier26
One night however
I had just taken my night time meds
Including my sleeping meds
And I thought I was just going to bed
But I was so hungry and thirsty that I just couldn’t fall asleep27
About fifteen minutes after I had been medicated
I decided to get out of bed for a small snack
I took one piece of bread and a piece of cheese
The bread and cheese didn’t satisfy me
So I took two more pieces of cheese
And then a cookie
After eating all that
I could swear my stomach was expanding
And that my thighs were ballooning up28
I knew I had taken my meds
But I made the decision that
Getting rid of all those excess calories
Was more important than sleep29
Quietly I slipped into the bathroom
And purged out everything
Then feeling much better I lay in bed30
Sleep was seeming impossible31
I ended up tossing and turning until midnight
And then writing in my journal for a while
And then tossing and turning some more32
My brain was running on hyper speed
As a hundred thoughts a minute churned through
I felt it was my duty to record everything
So I scribbled into my journal until my fingers burned
And my hand was crying for mercy
I guess I felt like writing out all the pain
Would somehow make it all worthwhile33
Fragments of memories34
Snapped through my mind
Like some sort of mental slideshow35
I remembered:36
Sliding down the waterslide at the Jerusalem pool earlier that day
The splash of cool water keeping me in the present joy37
Snap!38
I remembered years and years worth of
Standing in front of mirrors
Frowning and wonder if the fat reflection
Is really what I look like
Or just a distortion created by my mind
As a result of my eating disorder
and wondering if I would ever be able to tell the difference39
Snap!40
I remember being eight years old
And secretly eating peanut butter straight out of the jar
Without even worrying about the calorie contenet
Or planning how I was going to purge it out41
Snap!42
I remember standing in dance class
All sweaty and hot but completely focused43
Snap!44
Sitting in the hospital
With a tray of too much food in front of me
Slowly eating a bowl of cheerios one at a time45
Snap!46
Sitting in a ER room
Slowly sipping down vile charcoal47
Snap!48
More and more snapshots floated through my head
Some pleasant
Some nightmarish
All going through my head at once49
I didn’t go to sleep that night50
Because no matter how hard I tried
I couldn’t stop the racing thoughts
And the slideshows upon slideshows
Of memories that pounded through my brain51
As the memories flashed through
I realized that I couldn’t tell if
Some of them were real memories
Of things that had actually happened
Or false memories that my brain
Had dreamed up for crazy reasons52
I figured it was just another instance
Of the lines between reality and
Imagination blurring too far and too much53
About a week into our vacation 54
I noticed I was covered in
What looked like bug bites
They were itchy and annoying
I would itch one until it bled
And then when that one stopped itching
Three more popped up around the scab55
Soon I had more bug bites
Then clear skin
The bites were all over me
And seemed to be growing in size56
Mom and dad had a couple of them
But they were not nearly as big
And they certainly didn’t’ have as many57
Mom took me to a dermatologist
He looked at the bites and then asked us
If we had any animals in the apartment
We were staying in58
Mom said no
But then she remembered that the people
Who were renting us the apartment
Owned a fluffy white dog
She mentioned the dog
And the doctor nodded59
He explained to us that we had fleas
In our apartment and that the fleas
Had been only biting the dog
But now that the dog wasn’t there
The fleas were biting me and my parents
I had more bumps on me because I
Was evidently allergic to fleas
And half of the bumps were a kind of allergic reaction60
It figured
I seemed to attract strange problems61
The doctor prescribed me Prednisone
And a cream to rub on the bumps
Adding your comment: