Rantings Of A Teenage Nut

Shhh... do you want to know a secret? Promise not to tell. Promise you won’t ever spill a word of what you see to a single soul other than yourself. Promise... to bring this with you to your grave. Haha. I’m getting a little morbid, huh?1

Yeah. I gotta know that you’re trustworthy before I divulge anything else. You see, I’m this... person who could get into a lot of trouble if what I’m doing gets out. What I’m doing, see, is not... legal. Not normal. Weird, that’s the word you’re looking for. Weird, that’s me.2

I crossed the line between sanity and madness without even knowing it was there. I was happily traipsing in the land of the madmen before I even realized that I’d been doing a juggling act on a tightrope all my young life. 3

I was eighteen, I was in the prime of my life, and I had my whole life ahead of me.4

The trouble started when I told my first big lie. When I took my first item from the supermarket. When I stopped eating. When I started throwing myself onto the train tracks to await certain death.5

You’d think that the latter would be a highly noticeable thing, but not for the fact that I did it in the midnight hours and whenever I see the tiny dot of light indicating an oncoming train, I’d get this sudden fear in my throat that caused my legs to propel me back onto the platform, back to safety, and there I’d lie quaking and shivering till long after the train had passed in its long, throbbing growl. 6

***7

Yeah. I know I have a problem. I know I should be on medication, or sedated in a mental ward, or whatever. I know I’m a danger to myself, as they would say.8

Yeah, I know all that. Yeah, but so what?9

Do I look like I care about what happens to me? Do I give a fucking damn about my life (or death)?10

We are all put on this earth to die anyway.11

Sooner or later, we’re all just gonna end up buried six feet under, or burnt to a pile of ashes scattered over some random “favourite” place. 12

I’d prefer not to have such a run-of-the-mill, straight-off-the-statistics kind of life. Thanks, but no thanks. 13

I’d done my throwing-myself-off-the-train-platform act since I was in high school. Probably since last year, when the pressures of the A’ Levels got too much. Probably that was not the real reason why I was doing it then. I mean, now that I’m at Princeton, and I’m a straight-A scoring chick on the Dean’s List... and I’m still pulling my little stunt in the middle of the night.14

I look all perfect and put-together and cool-as-ice on the outside—you know, pale skinny girl with a best friend (almost) perma-glued to her hip, sauntering down the walkways with ease, confidence... and more ease.15

I just wondered why I stopped eating.16

I just wondered why I courted death so ardently... but I don’t want to die.17

At least, I didn’t.18

Now, everything’s changed and all the bets are off. Now, I just want to die. And I did. I think. 19

***20

Carson saw me in the hallway that night.21

I was aimlessly roaming the library block as I couldn’t get to sleep (surprise, surprise) and was trying to find a way to break into the glass-walled, alarms-protected sanctuary of the library (yes, just add breaking-and-entering to my ever-growing list of felonies).22

“Minxi?” Carson’s perfect features rearranged themselves into a semi-puzzled frown that still strived to look cool and put-together. “What’re you doing here?”23

Seeing a girl prowling a deserted corridor at 3am probably didn’t give off very positive vibes.24

My glance swept him from head to toe and the dishevelled clothes, half-empty beer bottle in hand and rosy tinge in his cheeks told me everything I need to know. Frat parties, I thought, without some disdain, and the disgust must have registered on my face, for Carson raised himself to his full footballer-height of 6 ft 2 in and glowered down at me. “Yeah?”25

Like him, I quickly rearranged my features into that cool, ice-queen look and responded airily, “Nothing. I’m just trying to break into the library.”26

Ohmygod! I hadn’t meant for that last bit to slip out! Honest, I hadn’t!27

However, to my surprise, Carson’s look of astonishment quickly changed to one of hilarity. After he finished chortling (prettily, it’d seem), he shook his head at me and smirked. “Really, Minxi. You’re amazing.”28

Okay, he thought I was joking. I allowed myself a little exhale of relief, and prepared to make my graceful exit.29

Not.30

“Really, Minxi,” he drawled again, and this time, I realized (somewhat uneasily) how his full footballer’s height was blocking my way out too. 31

“...Don’t you think that people like you... should go out with people like me?”32

Really! That was the most pathetic pick-up line I’d ever heard in my life! Not that I’d heard that many, but that’s beside the point.33

He was still talking, “So, quit being so high-and-mighty and see what life has got to offer. See what I have got to offer.” And he winked at me! Oh, the nerve! “What do you say?” he smiled a slow, predatory smile. Then, he reached out and put a hand on my forearm before I could even register the nightmare that was happening to me right at that moment. And I wasn’t even sleeping! Oh God, this was getting too tiring...34

I shrieked.35

I shrieked really loudly. 36

Carson got a big shock and jumped back from me. “What the fuck...” he muttered under his breath and advanced towards me again.37

So I did what I did next.38

I mean, I had to do what I did next—anyone would have done the same, right? 39

I took my hand out from behind my back and hit him with the baseball bat I’d been planning to use to break into the library. I hit him. Over and over again. 40

***41

Brianna the Bimbo saw me coming into the dorm at the break of dawn. She was standing at one of the windows looking all weary and pensive (yeah, right).42

“Yo,” she pulled a long drag of her cigarette, “what you doing up so early?”43

I ignored her and went past her into the hallway. 44

“Bitch!” she hollered after my retreating back. “I don’t have to be nice to you, you know?”45

My hands were shaking but she didn’t need to know that. I quickly walked down the corridor and quietly opened the door to my room. 46

Brianna was the dorm manager and the reason Jaime and I called her the Bimbo was that at the beginning of the term, she had refused to accede to our request to have adjoining rooms to each other. Oh, and also for the fact that we had known her since junior high, and she had made it her sole mission in life to make our lives miserable. Ah well, but we were in college now—couldn’t she at least have let bygones be bygones? Too late now—Jaime was stuck in a room all the way down the hall, and mine was right next to the toilets. 47

I sat on my bed and assessed the situation.48

Or, there would be a situation to assess if I had dragged back his body. No, no I don’t mean he’s dead per se. He’s just... passed out. 49

After a solid six, seven thumps with my bat, Carson was a gasping, bloody mess sprawled across the squeaky-clean linoleum of the library corridor. I suddenly felt sorry for the cleaning lady. 50

I sat there and thought about that for a bit, and then I got up and paced my room some.51

What was he doing there anyway? Why had he chosen such a bad time to turn up? Why could he not have just let me go off? Then this wouldn’t have happened—this was his entire fault... 52

Yes, yes...53

I tried to slow my pounding heart. Great, I was probably going to suffer from arrhythmic heartbeat on top of all my other issues.54

I continued pacing my room. I didn’t know why, but I was just so frightened... I’d never hurt anyone else before... all my destructive tendencies were aimed towards me—solely me. Never others... 55

The phone suddenly gave a shrill ring, jarring me out of my wild rush of thoughts.56

I stared at it. It rang and rang and rang. 57

I sat down on the hardwood floor, back pressed against the door. Pretty soon, they would all start storming in.... 58

The ringing finally stopped. 59

***60

I think I fell asleep sitting with my back against the door. 61

When I cracked open my eyes, sunlight was streaming in through the gauzy curtains on my window and everything was bathed in a golden, everything-is-okay-with-the-world light. 62

I yawned and stretched like an alley cat.63

A blunt force suddenly sent me lurching forward, and only at the last moment did my reflexes kick in and I pushed out my hands to prevent my face from meeting the floor.64

“Aww!” I screamed at the shock of pain (and also the shock of being attacked so suddenly and soundlessly) coursing through my wrists.65

I heard some confused stumbling behind me. “Minxi? Minxi! What’re you doin—are you okay!” 66

Jaime came into view then. Her pretty auburn curls were bouncing furiously across her back as she reached down and yanked me to my feet.67

I was sullen and adamant. “Jai, you shouldn’t burst into my room like that.” 68

She looked guilty at my admonishment. “Sorry! But what were you doing on the floor?”69

I shook my head.70

My best friend looked at me a moment more, then gently nudged me. “C’mon, I just wanted to tell you—we’re gonna be late for Psych 101!”71

I caught a glimpse of the sunflower clock ticking merrily away on my night table. “Yikes!” I shouted, momentarily normal. “Let me get changed!” 72

***73

I took a few steps tentatively into the classroom and felt this sudden seizure of fear and panic in my chest.74

It was a few days after the Carson incident, and I hadn’t expected to run into him so soon on campus. But there he was, sitting at the back of the classroom, looking as smug and perfect as always. 75

I stopped. I froze.76

Mr. MacMillan glanced over at me. “Minxi? Why are you standing there?”77

I gulped. I was certain Carson was going to give me away any moment now. 78

The past few days, I’d alternated between being guilt ridden and forgetful (so that I could still live a fairly normal life) and had thought (naively) that that horrible night was finally behind me. Apparently not. 79

I stared at Carson in my creative writing class. Was he even in this class? No. So what was he doing here? To torment you. The answer popped into my head a split second later.80

I stiffened visibly. “Minxi?”81

I blinked. Once. Twice. 82

“Minxi?” Mr. MacMillan called again.83

I turned and ran out of the room. 84

“Minxi!” 85

I ran harder. 86

Away... I’d to get away from here...87

I ran down the long winding corridors and burst out of a set of double doors onto the picturesque landscape of the campus. “Minxi!” 88

Ohmygod, the voice was still following me... 89

A hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder. I whirled around in stark fear.90

“Jaime!” I yelped in relief.91

Her eyes were round with worry and wonderment. “Minx? You alright?” 92

I nodded, still slightly wheezing from the mad run earlier. 93

“Why were you running away? I was calling you...”94

I nodded again, now too jaded to answer. “I gotta go, Jaime. I’ve... something on.” And I turned away from my best friend, not knowing that it would be one of the last times I’d see her. 95

***96

Jaime went to Germany on a students’ exchange programme in the summer. 97

I didn’t go as I wasn’t too high on the idea of taking a ten-hour flight to a foreign land. Besides, I was having a hard enough time maintaining my grades to stay on the Dean’s List.98

Brianna was the first to break the news to me. 99

She had come into my room through the half-open door and started off tentatively, “Did you hear...” 100

I barely glanced at her—my headphones were snug over my ears, blasting loud, psychedelic rock against my eardrums. 101

“Jaime got into an accident.”102

I still wasn’t looking at her. But I heard her. Oh, could I hear her clear enough.103

“Minxi?”104

I leant over and hurled the contents of my stomach out. Okay, good, I didn’t even need to do the self-induced puking tonight. 105

“Minxi!” I heard her scream.106

I passed out. 107

***108

When I came to in the infirmary later, there were a crowd of blurry faces standing in my view. I blinked and the mess of faces solidified into a couple of familiar ones.109

Dr. Kieran and Missy, the nurse, were peering at me in concern. 110

Instantly, I felt an overwhelming rush of guilt rise up in me. Oh... I was in trouble again—I was making these people worry for me again. 111

I bit my bottom lip. I believed I was the only freshman that they had seen more than a dozen times in the last six months—I was checked into the infirmary so many times by so many different people that I’d lost count of the exact number myself.112

“Hey,” I said weakly. I even attempted a smile. It probably came out looking more like a grimace though.113

Nurse Missy mirrored my grimace on her pretty face. “Minxi, Minxi, oh dear...” 114

I resolutely refused to look at her. “Doctor?” I peered up at him. “Jaime... have you heard about her? Is she going to be alright?” 115

A shadow of doubt suddenly fell over his weathered, kindly face. “Yes, Minxi. I heard.”116

I waited for him to continue on. He didn’t. 117

“Doc?” I finally prompted. 118

I knew that he was avoiding my gaze when he abruptly moved over to the other side of the examining room. My eyes followed him, drifting over the white walls, white floors and white ceiling. So white... so deathly white. The thought surprised me. 119

“Minxi,” Missy said softly.120

I finally diverted my gaze towards her. 121

Her deep blue eyes were heavy with sorrow as she told me the truth, “Jaime’s dead.”122

What? I stared at her, uncomprehending. “No—” I started, then stopped. No, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. Jaime could not be dead. No way. 123

“Missy...” Dr. Kieran had walked back over to us and was giving Missy a warning look. 124

“Is it true!” I shouted.125

The doctor looked visibly alarmed. “Minxi—”126

“So it’s true!” I was still shouting away.127

“Missy, get me the—” Before he could even finish his instructions, I’d turned and grabbed the heavy metallic syringe from the bedside tray and stabbed it into my arm. 128

***129

It was filled with arsenic. 130

I was dead.131

I killed myself by injecting myself with a syringe full of deadly stuff in the doctor’s office.132

Ha. I wish.133

I woke up again, and wished I hadn’t woken up. Dr. Kieran informed me that my parents were well on their way to the university and that I would probably be on the first plane back to wherever I’d come from.134

I turned to swing my legs off the bed, but he put a hand out to prevent me from doing so. “Please, Minxi,” he said in a tired voice. 135

Then, as if deciding that he couldn’t really trust my compliance with instructions, he twisted his neck around and hollered a name. “Landon!”136

I stiffened immediately. Landon. Ohmygoddamnit Landon. 137

Landon was my dream. Landon was my fairytale prince. Landon was my destiny. Why was Dr. Kieran calling for Landon?138

Landon came bounding into the room just then. “Hi, Dr. K. What’s up?”139

Dr. Kieran shot a cautious glance my way. “Er Landon, would you mind looking over Minxi here?”140

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up—I was that mortified. 141

“Hello, Minxi!” Landon said to me then.142

I didn’t answer him. I was still trying to stop my heart from practically leapfrogging out of my chest and into him.143

I could feel two pairs of eyes boring into me right at that moment.144

“Y-yeah, hi,” I managed to sputter out. 145

Then I sorta lost my train of thought the next moment because Landon’s hand was warm on my arm and he was helping me up from the gulley. 146

***147

When I was safe back in my room and the blanket was pulled right up to my chin, I allowed myself the luxury to think back on all that had happened. 148

Landon had walked me back to my room. 149

Landon had talked to me about... stuff.150

Landon, the Landon that I’d been dreaming about since... the first day of school, had smiled at me and called my name.151

I couldn’t believe it. I sat there, grinning that stupid, silly grin like a teenage schoolgirl having a crush.152

And then the reality sank in.153

Jaime was dead.154

Jaime was dead.155

Jaime was dead.156

Jaime was dead.157

How many times do I have to say it before it’d sink in? How many times do I have to repeat it to myself, silently in that empty room, before the truth hits home? Huh? 158

Over and over again, I mouthed the words to myself.159

Over and over and over again. Till the tears ran dry and I finally stopped crying and only as I lay there silently gasping for breath did I know that I had even started crying.160

Jaime, Jaime, oh my dear Jaime.... how could you be...161

I gave a violent shudder. I couldn’t even comprehend the fact that dead could be a state that we could be in. Not right now, anyway. Someday, but not right now. Not now, not now, oh no, especially not now.... How could it be true? How could it happen??162

I sat up shakily from my bed, fumbling blindly for my phone on the bedside table. 163

The dial tone sounded once then the call connected through. “Hello?”164

“Linny?” I was so happy that I forgot my surprise.165

“Oh, Minxi!” and then Linny, Jaime’s fifteen-year-old sister, started blubbering incoherently on the phone that I got so sick and had to hang up on her.166

Jaime, Jaime, Jaime.... it was true—she was dead. 167

My best and only true friend in the world... and she had gone and left me behind... all those years of knowing each other and having fun and sharing that soul connection... it was all gone... everything was gone....168

Gone, gone, gone. 169

I decided to go to the train platform that night.170

***171

I stood at the edge of the stone platform and stared down at the dark red cobblestone paving the tracks, unseeing.172

This is it, I told myself. Go for it, Minxi... 173

I shut my eyes and willed my breathing to be even and calm. 174

Jump. Jump, jump, jump.... 175

I pushed myself off the platform and leapt into the air, and for one moment of pure, unadulterated bliss, I felt truly free for the first time ever.176

Uh... did I, or didn’t I leap off?177

Why was I still staring down at the railways—instead of lying on them? 178

I blinked, and then I felt this heavy, warm hold around my arm. I glanced down slowly at the long fingers that had wrapped itself snugly around my forearm and the large hand they were attached to. 179

I looked up. I blinked. “Landon?”180

To say that I was confused would be an understatement. 181

He had held me back from leaping onto the train tracks? He had followed me out here in the middle of the night? Why?182

I thought about smiling but the smile died about one nanosecond after my brain sent out its electrical signal. 183

“What are you doing, Minxi?” he was asking me.184

I stared at him a moment longer than shrugged him off angrily. “It doesn’t matter,” I muttered. His grip on me refused to loosen.185

“What could be so bad that you have to end your life?”186

His honesty appealed to me, but honestly (pardon the pun) I wasn’t in the mood for a self-analysis session right then.187

“What I choose to do with my life doesn’t concern you,” I said coldly. Then I tried to shake him off again.188

“Isn’t this a rich girl’s world,” he muttered.189

I glared up at him. “Yeah. What do you know.” 190

“A thin girl’s universe,” he continued on, as if he hadn’t heard me.191

At that moment, I looked down, at my pale skinny wrist swallowed up by his much larger hand. How adorable it looked. How... compatible. I banished that thought immediately. 192

“I don’t know.” I shrugged infuriatingly. “I guess there just isn’t that much point to living right now.”193

He suddenly took one big step backward and yanked me along with him.194

“Hey!” I protested. I want to die! I wanted to scream, to thrash out at him, but I didn’t. The look he gave silenced me I guess.195

***196

“I’m messed up,” I told Landon frankly, not bothering to sugarcoat it like all the other fake things in my life.197

“So you pretended your best friend was dead,” he deadpanned. 198

I gave my tenth shrug of the night. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I do, and sometimes, I don’t. I guess, right now, I do.”199

“Why?”200

I gazed off into the faraway distance. We were sitting at a 24-hour outdoor cafe on the outskirts of town and I was huddled into my ratty hoodie, cursing myself for not wearing something warmer. Ah, I’d thought I was going to die, you see. No wonder I hadn’t thought about the weather turning colder. 201

Landon noticed and slid his mug of cuppa across the table towards me. I gratefully picked up the steaming cup in my hands and took a sip.202

“I had a fight with her before she left,” I finally said.203

He nodded encouragingly.204

“And I... I couldn’t take it, I think. She was gone just like that and I was left here all alone...”205

“Have you thought about calling her? You know, maybe she feels as wretched as you do.”206

Bloody hell, he sounds just like a shrink, I thought with a flash of annoyance, but then Landon’s open, concerned face came back into focus and the anger dissipated. 207

“I mean, I don’t even know whether you are real,” I mused aloud, and to my horror, realized tears were dripping down onto the monochrome table.208

“Hey, hey,” he said softly, and reached over to wipe off my tears with a clean napkin. “It’s gonna be okay.”209

Yeah, I thought grimly, looking at him, that is, if I can find a way to convince myself that you are real and I’m not making you up in my head. 210

***211

When I woke up the next morning, with the sunlight streaming in prettily through my filmy drapes, I didn’t know whether I’d just dreamt everything that had happened the day before.212

I sat up slowly and looked around my room. 213

Clean white walls devoid of anything. Check. Wooden chest of drawers. Check. Oak study table. Check. White Macintosh on table. Check. Everything was in its place. 214

Okay, I could deal. I was back in my world.215

“Rich girl’s world?” I mused aloud to myself. “Thin girl’s universe?” 216

I snorted. Did I really think that of myself? (Or else why would I have dreamt about it.) True, I was rich, skinny and white... but what did it matter? What did any of it matter anyway? I’d lost my best friend, I’d near-zero self-esteem, and I was having lucid dreams about a boy I’d never talked to in my life!217

I was on my way to a major meltdown and I still didn’t have the guts to jump onto the train tracks when a train was actually on it. Not good... that was so not good.218

I groaned and sat up in my bed, dragging my comforter around me. I really didn’t want to go for lessons... but really, that was the only thing I had going for me at that moment—my studies. Sad, but true.219

I got up from my bed and kicked off my blanket. 220

Suddenly, there was a frantic knocking on my door. I glanced over at it tiredly. Oh brother, was I still dreaming?221

I walked over to the door, my feet dragging across the hardwood floor as if I were in an underwater dream. 222

“Hey,” I started to say, determined to give Brianna a piece of my mind. I was so certain that it was going to be her—I mean, who else could it be?—but then the door swung open and revealed the most surprising of faces.223

“Minxi,” he said, his voice thick with worry. His perfect features were creased in an expression of equal concern. 224

I could only gape at him in astonishment. I mean, what was he doing here, outside my room? 225

“...Are you okay?” Landon was saying. 226

I blinked at him some more.227

“Minxi?” Then he actually reached out his hand and touched my cheek!228

I screamed and jumped back about five feet. Then I reached forward and slammed the door in his startled face. 229

Ohmygod. What had just happened? 230

I sat back down on my bed and tried to steady my breathing. A million thoughts were running through my mind and they were threatening to take over every sensible piece of nerve I’d left. 231

What was Landon doing here? What did it mean—that everything that I’d thought was a dream had been real? How could it possibly be, when I’d thought that it was nothing more than a dream... okay, a very real dream?232

I squinted off into the distance and tried to gather my raging thoughts. 233

It was real... It wasn’t... It was... 234

Ohmygod, I think my head was probably aching a lot more than it had been when I just awoke. 235

But Landon was outside, and it meant something, didn’t it?236

That thought broke through all the rest of the haphazard ones and I leapt off my bed so quickly that I landed wrongly on my ankle. I didn’t care what was real or not anymore—what mattered then was that he was standing outside my door right at that very moment, probably feeling very confused by my erratic and bizarre behaviour— but it was going to be okay, because I was going to open that door and apologize to him...237

The door swung open for the second time in five minutes. 238

I inhaled deeply and opened my mouth to speak—239

The hallway was empty. 240