Milla {Prologue}

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Milla came into my life unexpectedly fifteen years ago. I had no plans of being with her mother Candace who once was my girlfriend, the woman who I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Before I even knew her mother was pregnant, we were already broken up with each other and had no thoughts of getting back together. When the baby was born, I promised that I would help take care of my child. Candace wanted us to get back together but I felt nothing special between us anymore. I lost interest in her. Fifteen years ago, I was twenty years old. I loved literature and poetry. I was going to become a writer and poet. After I broke up with Milla's mother, I found a new love: heroin.2

When Milla was born, Candace wasn't around to help take care of her. Candace died right after giving birth to our daughter. I was stuck with her. I had to raise her and take care of her. A month later, I grew to love Milla. She was adorable and one of my new loves. Back then, she was my happiness and a gift from her mother to me. She was the only one who wanted to be around me while I was on drugs. She stayed by my side because I was her father and she loved me. She was the light in my darkness.3

Our relationship as father and daughter was enough for her. Because of sleepless nights due to nightmares, she slept in bed with me. These nightmares occurred almost every night with her, resulting in me having some sleepless nights. I'm not so sure if she really had nightmares every night or if she just used that as an excuse to be with me during the night. Either way, it was worth it. I would rather not sleep well myself during the night and have her be able to sleep like a peaceful angel than have it be the other way around. 4

During the day, she would climb on top of my lap and ask me to read her a story. I couldn't refuse to read to her. I would pull out my notebook and flip through the pages to find her a story that I wrote that I could read to her. She loved hearing the stories I wrote. She took after me and had my love for writing. Years later, she would be a good writer who would write in her room for hours at a time. 5

Sometimes, I'd take Milla out. I would take her to get ice cream since she would be begging me until I finally gave in to her. Her favorite ice cream was chocolate and she loved it best in a waffle cone with hot fudge on it and with a bright red cherry on top. We would sit down at our usual table at the ice cream place. I would watch her eat her ice cream and watch as she enjoyed it and how the ice cream would start to melt and it would drip down the cone and get all over her hands. 6

I would take her to the park sometimes just so she could get some fresh air. Her favorite time to go there used to be in the fall when all the leaves would fall off the trees. She loved kicking around the leaves on the ground and making a pile for her to jump into. 7

But most of the time, she just liked to spend time at home with me. Having her father around and me telling her how much I loved her was all she ever wanted. When she was little, I would laugh as she giggled whenever I kissed her on the cheek and told her how much I loved her. I told her that nearly ten times a day. She didn't mind. In fact, she loved it. 8

As she got older, I met Sherry. I guess that when Sherry came into our lives, I spent less time with my daughter. I gave her less attention than she needed. I was so busy with Sherry and heroin that I nearly forgot about Milla. Every minute that past, I spent the time with my new girlfriend who I wanted to really marry. I figured that maybe if I married Sherry than I would be giving my daughter something I thought she needed but really didn't-a mother. But all she ever needed was me and now I realize that.9

I hated myself for forcing Milla into prostitution and I was angry at Sherry for making me force my daughter to do it. I never really thought about it. All I thought was that nothing bad would really happen to my little girl. I just thought that she would lose her virginity to grown men she didn't know and she would help us earn money that way. I felt very horrible about it. The truth was that I didn't fully understand what my little girl had went through.10

She told me that she had been raped and that the man who did it to her threatened her. Then, I found out that she broke into someone's car and  stole their money on the same day she was raped. I wish she would have told me this earlier. She wasn't being paid enough and the pressure Sherry and I gave her on bringing home all of the money forced her to steal. 11

That's not all I didn't realize about her.12

I failed to realize that my own daughter needed me to be there for her all the time. I failed to realize that she was slipping into depression and an addiction of sleeping and pain reliever pills. Maybe if I actually looked to see the signs, I could have saved her. Maybe I could have stopped her from trying to attempt suicide or trying to overdose on pain reliever pills accidentally. 13

I was her father and she needed me but I wasn't acting like her father. I wasn't there for her. I neglected her in ways that she turned to pain reliever pills and cutting. 14

I wasn't trying to ruin Milla's life or make her unimportant and miserable. I was trying to make mine better but in reality, my life was hell. I thought that Sherry was giving me love and things that no one else was able to give me. But she was only making things worse. I was trying to make my life better and as I tried to work on making Milla's life a little better, it was too late. By then, I lost her and there was no way to get her back. The person I loved and still thought of as my little girl was gone.15

Now that she's no longer with me, I keep her diary as a memory of her so I have something to look back on. I also keep my photographs of her and the videos I taped of her throughout the years. Everyday, I sit on this couch and flip through her handwritten diary, memorizing every single entry she wrote. It helps me remember her and think about her much clearly. But most of all, it keeps me waiting for the day for me to be reunited with my daughter who I so long to meet again one day. 16