-Santiago 1
The train ride to Quantico, Virginia was unremarkable, and, as they say, uneventful. I partook in limited and empty conversation with a few fellow travelers whom, oddly, I don’t recall ever seeing again. My recollection of whatever exchanges we had was colorless and cold. Later, that proved to be the general character of the officers and officer candidates I got to know. They affected a certain detachment. Perhaps the young men on the train were just nervous. But we were all going to be Marines.2
When we reached Virginia we boarded a bus. It was upon getting off that bus that I first saw Sergeant Santiago. He didn’t smile. He was a dark skinned, Hispanic Marine dressed in the most crisply and uncomfortably starched fatigues imaginable. His cap, which was ironed along several razor edges, sat squarely (roundly) atop Santiago’s head. It was slightly cocked forward over his eyes, but just enough to create the inception of a shadow, which, as well as suggesting a certain darkness, also connoted intent, planning, meticulousness and pride. Santiago’s starched trousers, honed to every bit as sharp a crease as a marine’s dress trousers, were bloused impeccably atop his highly polished boots. His name, stamped in black permanent ink above his breast pocket spelled “SANTIAGO” in perfect letters. The polished brass of his belt buckle and tip gleamed. Santiago’s salty fatigue outfit was, in fact, anything but casual. He stood before a second, smaller bus as it pulled up to where we waited.3
“You wheele get aboard de bus. You wheele sit in de firs seat you fine. You wheele na talk. You wheele na move. When de bus stops you wheele get out de bus and form a column o' twos. We wheele march into de squad-bay. You wheele fine a rack. You wheele eyeball straight ahead at de bulkhead. You wheele na flap your gums. You wheele na move. Is da clear?”4
There was some mumbling.5
“I did na hear you! Dere is only one answer to ‘is da clear’ and da is: Yes sir! Is da clear?” 6
“Yes, sir!”7
“I can’t hear you!”8
“Yes, sir!”9
“I can’t hear you!”10
“Yes, sir!”11
And so it went.12
That afternoon everyone was given a haircut and handed a field jacket. It would come in handy the following morning at 4:30a.m. as we stood in front of the Potomac River, its icy wind cutting through our new issues.13
In the evening we were given further instructions by Sergeant Santiago which essentially covered hitting the showers and then hitting the rack. No one had particular difficulty understanding Santiago except me, because by the time I emerged from what was, apparently, a far too leisurely bathing experience, not only was nearly everyone else gone, so was my towel. I thought someone had either taken it inadvertently or had purposely done so. It was only years later I realized Santiago had removed it intentionally with the aim of embarrassing the last man out of the shower, teaching a valuable lesson, and setting the stage for the entertainment that was to follow. 14
To make matters worse I took extra time (an inordinate amount of it) out of desperation, to look for the missing towel – of course, to no avail. Where the hell could it have gone? And by then everyone was gone, showered, dried, and ramrod straight “in fron o de rack!” as I wandered into the squad-bay stark naked to confront Sergeant Santiago.15
“Wellllllllllllllllllllllllll! Look wha we have here!” he bellowed.16
After walking the entire length of the squad-bay, flanked by two rows of snickering, towel clad, shaven-headed, smirkers, so delighted it wasn’t them…this time, I almost made the mistake of trying to explain my misfortune. Santiago didn’t give me the chance, fortunately. I was later to learn one never explains anything in the Marine Corps. “No excuse, sir,” is the only answer.17
“You have a bad attitude, cahndee-day!” he said menacingly. 18
I thought: I don’t have a bad attitude....This wasn’t my fault!19
Silence. 20
I thought: If he only knew what happened. Then I mistakenly said, “Someone took my towel, sir.”21
The sergeant put his face barely inches from mine. His eyes narrowed. He was a serious as a shroud. “I’m gonna bury you, cahndee-day.”22
That night, as I lay in “de rack,” I wondered if I’d make it. I was not off to the best of starts. The night, far from being warm and embracing, was fractured into quintessential aloneness. There was just you the subject, and your object: achieve whatever they ask. Do whatever they say. And, don’t get buried!23
I knew no one in the big room. Anyone I did know was far, far away. Here and now, a world away, in the squad-bay, with lights out, I only knew solitude as all lay still. There were no comments, no sounds. I thought there was no breathing. Forty-four terrified, flawlessly behaved, stunned minds and bodies lay stiff and awed, rehearsing the instruction set on us for reveille:24
“When de lights come on in de squad-bay, you wheele be in your skivvies, on de deck, in fron-o-de-rack wid your blanket in your lef han…de top sheet and de bottom sheet in your righ han. De rack will be compleely stripped. You will hol your bedding gear up above your head and eyeball de bulkhead. Is da clear?”25
“Yes, sir!”26
“I can’t hear you.”27
“Yes, sir!”28
The instruction was then followed by: “Now… get in de rack!”29
One burst of frenzy.30
“Too slow! Get outta de rack!”31
Another burst.32
“Get in de rack!”33
Pause.34
“ Too slow! Get outta de rack!...Get in de rack…get outta de rack…get in de rack! Get outta de rack! We can do this all night. You ladies wanna do this all night?”35
“No, sir!”36
“I can’t hear you!”37
“No, sir!”38
“You girls ready to get back in de rack?”39
“Yes, sir!”40
“Get in de rack!”41
Bangmnmf!42
And the lights went out.43
Not too far away, but deep enough in the night, a train whistle blew. It spoke to me and probably everyone else in “de rack” that first night. Its very sound seemed to carry hope because somewhere out there someone was going someplace, headed toward a future, maybe with a friend, maybe alone, but embraced by any number of life’s good elements: faith, joy, love, security, worth, companionship. The train passed farther into the night leaving in its wake silence, time.44
Then another came from nowhere; another whistle proclaiming warmth and promise. Going somewhere, now. And my comfort, I suppose, lay in the knowledge that the good destiny I imagined the train carried, or was bound for, would, and must someday, be mine.45
It went on like that all night. No one slept.46
Author notes
For those interested, the rest of this story can be found in my book "4313 and Beyond"...with info and reviews on WWW.GAAZERIER.com and avails at B&N.com as well as Amazon.com
Option #2...CHARACTER
A contest entry
- To Inspire, Make, Die... by imagist.
345 points, ended October 8, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - military school/boot camp by Elvenfairy.
175 points, ended April 4, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - No Goodnik Moose and Squirrel!! by jessicakristine.
350 points, ended June 8, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Hoo Raw
Great intro to the story. Set up by the quintessential "There was just you the subject, and your object: achieve whatever they ask." Interesting to read the comments esp. from the younger readers. Hope someday they'll understand the price you paid for the "humor". Perhaps someday they will understand more about "tempered steel", I've met many guys who served. Most of the guys in the Army survived. The espirit de corps of Marines is measurably different.
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An interesting read.
I enjoyed your description of a first night Marine. Rang true and quite exciting up until the reference to the train whistles and what the sound meant to the protagonist. How does one go from a scared/threatened recruit into a 'comfort zone' because of train whistles? I thought that a bit over the top, but that's just me. Your last sentence was great, and most likely true.
Thanks for sharing.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Erm..I liked it, but I dont really get it.
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Semper Fi
from the ole Corps
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the marines are tough, they always have been. I've always wondered why they are such a crazy branch of our army, oh well, that is the army for you. Anyways, this was an amusing story, thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!
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Marines are not part of the Army ...magot!!!
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Santiago was amazing. Perfect in every shape of the word. Loved it. Great job.
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hm...
thank-you for your entry, i will be reviewing the finalists momentarily! -
DUDE, there's an actual drill instructor named Santiago, but the one i'm referrring to is at the Paris Island Training Facility. He's almost EXACTLY like your character...so I wonder. Is that who you mean to epitomize? or is this completely unrelated?
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wow someone has intense torture issues but i liked it and i liked the character Santiago, i like how he spoke. Thanks for entering!
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I loved this!! I love the setting, as I said before in Quick Comment, I love military stories, everything was very authentic except for the accent. I really dislike reading dialects (my own personal pet peeve, there's nothing wrong with them in literature ) and I think someone who was in the Marine Corps long enough to be in charge of a platoon would have lost the accent. What with living in close quarters with all the other men and hearing their accent, and conformity being so important in the military. Also I have many Latin friends myself and they don't speak like that, even the ones who do have accents.
Anyway, still, I liked this. The imagery was great, everything else was authentic, I loved the description of the train (and of Santiago's) uniform, I could imagine everything perfectly. Finalist list.
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I loved seeing Quantico, VA at the beginning! (: I live in DC myself so it was like seein a little piece of home in your story (:
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I'm generally not into the whole military scene when reading books (watching movies or tv shows is another story), but I did enjoy this one. I love Santiago, and his accent rang clear in my mind. I did spot a few grammatical errors, so you may want to read it over. I hope they're not in the published version.
I wish the best of luck with this endeavor, and I would totally be interested in reading more if I wasn't such a poor bum.
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I loved this story and it held a lot oh humor which i suppose really should not have been humorous. Anyway, your portayal of Santiago was absolutely fantastic and how you put across his accent for all to hear was super ingeious. You write some wonderful tales which i enjoy, especially your sci fi ones. But this one, was just delightful. Poor fellas on their first night having to tolerate this shit from someone who was about to make your life hell...but boy, he was going to give you something that would last you the rest of your lives. Pride! Just delicious! Thank you so much for this stunning read which i shall bookmark. (p.s. If there were any mistakes here, I didn't notice them because i was having too much fun reading.) lol!!!!!!!!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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So this is an excerpt from a published book, sort of a sneak peek preview for those interested? Let me tell you, I'm interested. There wasn't a whole lot of plot in here, but that is most likely because it's only a small excerpt from a much larger story. Good job.
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I'll have to look into this, I love reading about other people's military experiences.
Extremely well written, as always.
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wow that was cool. I usually don't like those type of stories though. BUt you gave it insight. I will say that i know this is a preview, but I didn't see any really plot in that piece. it was like you just picked any random piece from your book and posted it. NOt that it wasn't good. BUt i have a feeling it could have been a better excerpt. But good job anyways.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Oh my gosh i love this! Thts all i can say
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Well done
I immediately recall the movie "A Few Good Men" when I started reading this. Santiago was a name of a Marine killed in that movie so this immediately made me think of it!
However, your Santiago was not a victim, but rather an annoying (like them all!) superior office. His accent is portrayed very well, and even though hearing Hispanic people talk isn't funny, it is funny to see their accents spelled out!
So this is actually a published work and you put it on here? Wow, cool! I can appreciate a good sneak peek!
Good show, chap!
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compelling...
...definitely makes me want to read more. The balance you've struck of humour and melancholy is fantastic...I disagree with able's last point about Santiago not speaking the language, I think you've got him spot on, and the way you've written it is perfect English (well, almost!) just with that hilarious accent.
Great job
x
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FOR THE RECORD
Thank you for the kind comments...but I must clarify for you and Abelaz...Santiago WAS real! And he DID speak exactly as represented. No one really had any difficulty with his language or with understanding him. The United States Marine Corps is a rather democratic organization...(lol) in that there is only ONE way to do things, regardless of how one expresses it, hears it, understands it. And that ONE way is: The Marine Corps way! If one does things in THAT way, it matters not what you call it or how you pronounce it! Santiago did just that, and was an exemplary marine.
GA
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boy u wheele make me laugh. lol. i love this.
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Absolutely love the part about Santiago's cap (sitting roundly atop his head) and all that the tilt of it suggested and connoted. Wonderful!
Also love his speech... the way it's written in his Hispanic accent, probably enhanced because I can actually hear that accent in my head. "You wheele eyeball straight ahead" hilarious!
I found the train whistle haunting. I think it would have left me with a desolate feeling.
Great story (as usual)!!
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This is an awesome read; just spectacular (and you had me laughing). The setting was fantastically described and the characters well formed. I enjoyed the reflection bit the most. Very impressive.
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Well done. I really enjoyed reading this, it made me laugh, haha. Santiago, whether you wrote him to be funny or not, definitely was the best part of this story. His language was perfectly done and you really got the feel of his personality, his ideals, etc. I think you wrote this very well.
There weren't any spelling or grammatical errors so far as I could see, so good job.
Best of luck in the contest!
Chrissie
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Credibility
Hi—Gary----I think you’re sucking me in, again, and it seems almost intentional.
I will do a critique of the first two paragraphs, pointing out things; I think are literary errors, or issues of—?—able style. I will limit it at two paragraphs, because I don’t think there is even the possibility you will agree with me. At the end I will give you my thoughts on the story.
The train ride to Quantico, Virginia was unremarkable, and, as they say, uneventful. I partook in limited and empty conversation with a few fellow travelers whom, oddly, I don’t recall ever seeing again. My recollection of whatever exchanges we had was colorless and cold. Later, that proved to be the general character of the officers and officer candidates I got to know. They affected a certain detachment. Perhaps the young men on the train were just nervous. But we were all going to be Marines.
(Three things with this paragraph: ONE--- In the first sentence, you isolate the word [and] with a comma before and after it. I know the author is given a good deal of license in the use of commas, as they pertain to pauses desired. If the comma after [and] is calling for a pause, I think the sentence reads better without it.
TWO---the use of the titles [officers and officer] I submit the plural for officer, along with the word [and] should be eliminated.
THREE---The last sentence should be an add-on to the previous one. It comes across as a lot more powerful to me as an add-on.)
When we reached Virginia we boarded a bus. It was upon getting off that bus that I first saw Sergeant Santiago. He didn’t smile. He was a dark skinned, Hispanic Marine dressed in the most crisply and uncomfortably starched fatigues imaginable. His cap, which was ironed along several razor edges, sat squarely (roundly) atop Santiago’s head. It was slightly cocked forward over his eyes, but just enough to create the inception of a shadow, which, as well as suggesting a certain darkness, also connoted intent, planning, meticulousness and pride. Santiago’s starched trousers, honed to every bit as sharp a crease as a marine’s dress trousers, were bloused impeccably atop his highly polished boots. His name, stamped in black permanent ink above his breast pocket spelled “SANTIAGO” in perfect letters. The polished brass of his belt buckle and tip gleamed. Santiago’s salty fatigue outfit was, in fact, anything but casual. He stood before a second, smaller bus as it pulled up to where we waited.3
(The third sentences is short and jarring, almost an interruption to the flow. If it was introduced as an add-on, to the next sentence it would in my opinion have a lot more power. [----fatigues imaginable and he didn’t smile.] I think you need a comma after [a] in the fifth sentence, to emphasize the word certain. Last but not least, the word [salty] used to describe Santiago’s fatigues if used in the Canadian Navy would have been an insult. Something salty would have been something seedy or inferior.)
Okay I thought the story was very good, given your passion for playing with the English Language.
You have one glaring credibility issue with this story, at leased based on my experience in the military. Santiago seems to be the picture of perfection in everything except his language. He prides himself on everything from the crease in his pants to the tilt of his hat and yet, doesn’t take the effort to learn the language of the country he’s serving.
In all my experience with the military in this country, I have never met or heard of a high ranking non-com or commissioned officer who spoke broken English and this country is by-lingual.
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Nicely written, and with a crisp perfection that corresponds with Santiago's uniform and demeanour. I liked how you used the whistle at the end to sum out the emotional response for this piece - of going places and of leaving things behind.
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Sorry it took so long! I am not sure I can go into a terrible amount of detail here because, as you know, I prefer to comment on pieces that strike me with a hidden meaning that needs to be given careful thought and consideration.
That being said, I did enjoy this piece. As always you have a crisp writing style that allows the events to pass swiftly and the characters to appear real. Of course, I especially liked this because of the humourous side - we all have times in our lives that warrant a certain amount of cringing when we look back on them. I am astonished that you can write about this without feeling embarrassed. I suppose what happens in the army stays in the army, or something of that sort.
I enjoyed Santiago's demenour and way he articulated himself, I do not often find you focusing on accents so much so it was great to imagine him speak. I did feel he was a touch too German in my mind, but I imagine that is just the way the reader interprets the speech.
The last couple of paragraphs were excellent. You used a particularly great method of showing how trapped and closed off the Marines felt, and the last line was superb (so simple and yet so poignant and powerful).
Excellent work as always, Gary. I would be interested to read the full story. Here, have some clappy men...
- CC
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Hehe...
Been a while.
It's like you write on perfectly polished marble.
No mistakes, no editorialising, and enough information to form a clear image in the reader's mind.
Santiago was definitely the hilight in this piece. His character is fantastic, and absolutely hilarious.
You portray the loneliness and solitude well - especially the idea that human beings, in the most terrible of times, find comfort in hope, and grasp at the slightest bit of it in order to feel a sense of security.
Well done, a joy to read.
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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in stanza 14, the last sentence... well, duh. In 42, im sorry but what the hell is bangmnmf! lol. Is that him colliding with 'de rack' Reading the dudes accent was tedious. Over all i think it was pretty good, but, i think that this isnt your best work.
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What I really like about this story is that the writing is as sharp and clean as Santiago's uniform. The last paragraph elevates the story to a higher level. The description of the train whistles is particularly effective following the narrator's humiliation. Not only is he separated from his family and friends, but also his sense of self has been challenged. I would expect the whistles would speak to each man of loneliness and probably evoke a feeling of envy for the passengers of the train, but you also mention "warmth and promise," which seems right but is probably the last thing I would feel in that situation.
This story is both amusing and poignant.
One minor suggestion. In Paragraph 1, you say that the "recollection" was "colorless and cold." I think you mean the "exchanges" were "colorless and cold," though I suppose it could be both. I would have written this as "My recollection is that whatever the exchanges we had, they were colorless and cold."
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in paragraph 6 - "I did na hear you"... you don't need the extra apostrophe because he's not done talking...
Very intriguing. Your story drew my attention and kept it until the end. I wouldn't mind reading more
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Ah! I did love it. Mostly for the train imagery and even more for Santiago's accent. I can't leave a real comment, yet, but I will.
Very pleased,
-xylo -
Very Well Written,
and quite entertaining.
Is 'revele' spelled correctly? Couldn't find it in Rhymezone.com.
My boot camp was similar, but I just thought it was silly. We had to say, 'Sir, yes Sir' and 'Sir, no sir.'
We had rack races, in which we had to carry our racks out of the barracks and then carry them back in, so on any so forth.
My first class petty officer, company commander, was black. His only sense of humor showed when he was punishing us, or on graduation day when he seemed almost human. He spoke perfect English.
Andy
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Realization, discovery...and a tough sergeant with a harsh, amusing accent. Great work, Gary.
Thanks for writing!
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Simply amazing as always. And I have know a full drill sergeants and you hit it on the head! Fantastic GA! How I have missed your stuff!
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Good job! Keep it up
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Sorry it took me a couple of days to read this, but I'm glad I did, so I could read it uninterupted (please excuse my spelling). Again I am glad to read another tidbit into Gary.
Thanks for sharing.
Brooke
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Good description
I could relate to the feeling of being so alone in a barracks with so many people. It reminded me of when I joined the Navy. I think you captured the personality of the Sergeant perfectly and what a humbling experience bootcamp can be.
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PERFECTION!
This is perfect. What else can I say? Oh, yes. Take a bow!
Anaya Roma
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Ha Ha it was funny and some how interesting. Most funny stories dosent have meanful story but your one did, lol. I loved it!
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Well, I must admit that this was a brilliant read. Believe it or not, I actually understand a bit of what you went through, being an Air Force enlistee myself, but obviously not to the same extent. I remember going through exactly the same experiences, what with the "I can't hear you!", the first shower, "Get in de rack, get outta de rack!" and all of that insanity they put you through. As always, Mr. Azerier, you do not disappoint.
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When I read Santiago's first lines, my first reaction was to laugh. However, as I read on, I realized that although he speaks with a heavy accent (and you wrote that quite well, actually
) he doesn't let anyone set so much as a toe out of line.
I felt bad for those men--especially for the main character.
He's so lonely and unhappy, and then to be picked on by Santiago....
The imagery in this piece was very, very good. I could imagine the train, full of those distant, detached Marines-to-be; the scene after Santiago took the towel; those poor guys, all lying there in "de rack" scared out of their minds. And all the while, that Santiago character just waiting to torture them a little more....
Thank you for suggesting this to me; I enjoyed it, even though it covers a subject I have rarely read about in the past.
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I could imagine Santiago's accent perfectly, my principal spoke like him he had a very heavy accent also. This was very funny and pooor soliders, this is one of the many reasons why I wouldn't join the military XD!
Thanks for suggesting this to me this was defintley worth reading!
3 clappy's for you!
-Miranda
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Superb story.
You do write amazingly well, lucidly, interestingly. I enjoyed this and felt I was there as an invisble passneger.
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Hehehe. Most enjoyable, Gary, most enjoyable.
I must admit, the end caught me by surprise, I'd been enjoying it so much I could have read on for hours. Then it finished, haha. So very good work there.
I'm not sure there is much more I can say. Nothing wrong that I could spot, not that I expected to find anything, your writing is always meticulous. At least, to my inexperienced eyes. *laughs*
Once again, thanks for the heads up on this.
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Wow, you did an awesome job with Santiago's accent! I could hear it so clearly in my head. This is a great story. I also loved the descriptions you used for the groups of people; the guys on the train, the shaven-headed smirkers. You managed to convey the essence of them in just a few words.
I think my favorite part is Get in de rack…get outta de rack…get in de rack! I mean, it's funny to me, but that's only because I wasn't there. Santiago would have had me jumping!
A couple things I noticed:
In P3, "honed every bit to as sharp a crease", I think the "to" should go right after "honed": "honed to every bit as sharp a crease"
P6, when Santiago quotes himself, "one answer to ‘is that clear’ " he actually said "dat" earlier.
Again, what a vivid story!
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