In just a little while1
I would have remembered2
staying up all night on the phone 3
instant messages from invisible friends.4
I could've turned to their yellow smilies and 5
hugs in parenthesis.6
A moment more, and I would have remembered7
the sweet taste of peanut-butter fudge ice cream8
sraight from the carton,9
my smile at seeing that red Netflix wrapper10
squeezed in among the bills in the mailbox,11
or writing a new poem.12
The little things like that.13
I may have seen lifelines14
if I'd only raised my eyes up15
to the heavens.16
But I didn't.17
The night was too long18
full of deep pain to drown in.19
and I mounted that chair20
tied that sleek, smooth cord21
in a knot and pulled it22
into a noose, narrow as my tunnel vision23
around the neck, kicked the chair and24
OhGodPleaseNoHurtsCan'tBreathAirHurtsNoDon'tWantToDidn'tMean25
NoPleaseNoCan'tBreathGodWhereAreYouNoI'mSorrySoSorryAir26
PleaseNoPleaseNoHurtsMyHeadNoMyThroatPleaseGodPleaseIamSorry27
NoPleaseAnotherChanceNoAnotherChancePleaseOneMoreOneMoreOneMore28
Chance29
No...... 30
Author notes
If you're feeling suicidal, don't do it. Think about what you will lose. Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
For the contest: Pity the Child from Chess
A contest entry
- Think you gotz poetry skillz? by Naive..
190 points, ended September 26, 2008, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Suicide. by easily amused.
100 points, ended May 7, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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Whoa. Very deep. It tells a strong message, which is about suicide, and how you could regret it in your last second. I really like it, it shows the truth about how you might think about suicide once your in the middle of doing it.
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Thats deep.
wow.
umm.... wow.
this has a really great messege!
I like it.
good job.
and thanks for entering! -
Such a powerful and emotional piece. <3
Outstanding job!
-- Tor -
this is so well done.
so you really are a talented writer and not a murderous villain as i postulated three minutes ago on another of your poems. -
Never take your life, no matter how bad things get. People don't understand that when they kill themselves, they also kill their family, friends, and everyone else who cares for them. This is a lovely and powerful write good job.
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exelent
What a cleve way to put a plea accross.
Well done.
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It's nice
It's very nice. Suicide is a hard topic and you made the bitter truth shown. It's good!
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I like it. There really isn;t much else to say. Slightly depressing, though I have and will never be suicidal. Thanks for the advice about suicide anyways, though!
-Dani
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Really well done. It was awesome and truly inspirational. Unexpected twist at the end wasn't looking for it.
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Very interesting. The poem follows a nice, simple pattern. And then, at the end, it goes all haywire. Very much like the way these emotions can turn a life inside out. Excellent portrayal of an emotional crisis, and I love the fact that you do not promote this action. I have read far too many "poems" from wannabe emos who think that suicide is fun and cool and "the only way out." To be honest, it gets sickening after a (short) while.
Having been on both ends of this emotional spectrum, I know what it feels like - both to lose someone, and to think you've lost everything. Thank you so much for this beautiful poem and, most of all, the offering of help at the end. Great work.
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wow
that was really moving. It was awesome. It was just beautiful
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:(
i think it makes sence i like it tho and its nice to know -
Really well done...point taken. Tis obvious you are making the point of do not do it...unlike some poems I have read/written which seem to encourage these feelings.
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oops meant good piece
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Hey !It's sort of weird cause i have the feeling I've read this.Maybe i did if you posted at All poetry.It's a good ppice and i enjoyed it.You see ,i think it's that good that i hadn't forgotten the last lines.They're my fav.Keep it up!
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Very well thought out and written, but also sad and thought provoking.
Well done
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This is really sad..
Is it something you felt, or something you'd imagine you would feel?
I liked the way you changed your mind at the end..
It's a clever write. -
WOW!!! Wonderfully done. So many people need to stop and think before commiting suicide.
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This is a gripping poem. I've dealt with suicide in my life. My father and uncle both committed suicide. I know how it feels at the other end, having lost someone to it. My foundation before those events was shaky, but my faith in God has grounded me in something solid I know won't ever go away. My father loved me and he was my greatest supporter, and my self-esteem is very high because of his influence. I never thought that his death, although tragic, would also teach me a lesson about my worth in the Heavenly Father's eyes.
God bless you for bringing this issue up and for the hotline in the author notes. We all must remember the sweetness of this life, even when it is going sour.
Write On!
Beth
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Wow. Thats incredible. the last lines... the struggle and wanting out, is just realy harsh to read, realy makes you feel.
Well done.
Dani. -
Hmmmm...
Poetry isn't my metier, though I really enjoy the rhythmic synthesis of words and meaning. Purely from that perspective, I felt this was a very satisfying write, but I have grave reservations about this particular subject as a poetic piece. I always hated Sylvia Plath's inclination, and, as a psychiatric nurse, hated the suicidally inclined and their distorted view of life and its problems.
I stress that this is a purely personal prejudice, and cannot, in fairness, comment on the content of this. Nevertheless, the emotional input and word selection point to someone who may very well have "been there, done that", and for all I know, has a much better grip on the issues involved than I can hope to understand.
The rhythm and acceleration at the end do point to the finality and frailty of judgment in the grip of despair; I agree, don't do it, there's no future in it (obviously!) and whilst no-one can promise resolutions to every problem, suicide solves nothing in the final analysis, or if it does, no-one has returned from the dead to tell us!
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gripping
Though I could see how others might find the ending too rushed, I thought it perfectly gave the reader the feeling of the horrible panic, the seconds feeling like hours, the kicking feet. The common, familiar details in the poem, the 'yellow smileys,' the ice-cream, the red Netflix packet all are common things that we all identify with, putting us in the narrator's shoes all the more. It makes the beginning lines, "In just a little while, I WOULD HAVE remembered" seem so much worse, that there would have been a way out for this person, a reminder to so many that there is hope if we raise our eyes up and do not drown in the pain. I admire you for daring to think so bluntly about this painful topic.
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wow
that was awesome.
the way at the end the person changes his mind and how he struggles. that's hard.
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Brilliant!
Simply brilliant... I heartily appreciate the way you have brought out emotions.
Though I get depressed sometimes, I am not into suicide! But well, I guess I will forward this to some folks who really need to read something like this!
Peace... -
This was nicely written, with just the right touch of emotions. It wasn't overly done or over the top, and I really liked how you changed the pace of the poem at the end there. It captured that moment perfectly. Well done.
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You did an excellent job portraying this ~ best of luck in the contest
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A wonderful poem. A lot of people commit sucide and even more consider it, I do alot. Most poems on this kind of criteria are overly depressive, not-so-creative, almost senceless peices of literature but this one was quite the opasite. Loved it.
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holy-wow. that was just... great.
im not too good at poetry, but that was amazing.
beautiful =)
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Holy...-passes out-
A-FREAKING-WESOME!!
Beautiful turn on suicide. Brilliantly done. XD You have totally extinguished any possible doubt I may have had in the future about suicide. Even though I already loathe it. XD
Well done. ^__^
Good luck in the contest. XD
-HT
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Wow...
this was defintley something to think about.
I agree with platinum maybe the last bit would have been better in single stanzas otherwise this is a powerful poem.
Suicide isn't a light matter. -
I didn't think they ending was that effective with all the words smashed together. maybe if you had made a stanza with short lines to make them stand out if would have been more effective.
Example:
Oh God
Please
No
Hurts
Can't
It would give your piece a nice edge and make the emotion and words much sharper and more effective.
You also might want to fix the space bewteen the lines and make stanzas to convey different points.
I liked the personal details you put into this piece. It gave your piece a nice spark.
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